My BF is taking some serious babysteps..considering cheating

[bish]

I see it as why waste her time when her obvious goal is sex, and she knows she's got a good, constant and ready source for lovin' from her ex? .

 

And why can't SHE initiate sex? maybe thats what the guy is waiting for because he respects her and wants HER to let him know that its ok.

[Shygirl15]

I am really depressed with all these comments, but I sincerely appreciate your views. I'm not trashy or a cheater, and I'm in love with my boyfriend (he doesn't know that yet). I just get all these ideas on cheating because I'm sexually frustrated. I don't want any sex, I want to have sex with him. So I found myself in a position thinking about sex with him all the time. I'm not usually like this with guys, maybe because other guys were much faster, I don't know.

 

However, I have this gut feeling that he's seeing other people on the side. It's like his phone never rings when he's with me, like he puts it on mute or something? Why is that. I have noticed also he always calls me before I call him, and if I happen to call him, it's always a missed call. I have not been to his place yet, like I said we have been hanging out in public since we started dating. Maybe if I went to his place we would have had sex by now..

 

Why is it a bad thing wanting to have sex with someone you love and after 6 weeks? How many people we know would have sex with people they just met at the bar or club?

[Shygirl15]

Um, have you ever been to his home? Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else?

 

The "faith" thing might be a real reason to avoid meaningless wanton sex, or it might be a convenient cover for someone who won't have sex with you yet and wants to keep you around....say, someone with a girlfriend?

 

Could be seeing someone else... I mean who knows what goes on in these guys' minds. However I know for sure he stays alone as we talk on the phone thoughout the night everyday. Last night he was very romantic and said he finds me very attractive and also said he wants to meet my family so we should plan for a trip later this year (my family lives in another country).. I just wish he could make that move and save me from my ex-BF.

[AAlike]

I am really depressed with all these comments, but I sincerely appreciate your views. I'm not trashy or a cheater, and I'm in love with my boyfriend (he doesn't know that yet). I just get all these ideas on cheating because I'm sexually frustrated. I don't want any sex, I want to have sex with him. So I found myself in a position thinking about sex with him all the time. I'm not usually like this with guys, maybe because other guys were much faster, I don't know.

 

However, I have this gut feeling that he's seeing other people on the side. It's like his phone never rings when he's with me, like he puts it on mute or something? Why is that. I have noticed also he always calls me before I call him, and if I happen to call him, it's always a missed call. I have not been to his place yet, like I said we have been hanging out in public since we started dating. Maybe if I went to his place we would have had sex by now..

 

Why is it a bad thing wanting to have sex with someone you love and after 6 weeks? How many people we know would have sex with people they just met at the bar or club?

 

I don't think that anyone is questioning your motives behind wanting to have sex with the new guy, I think that the only questions have been centered around wanting to potentially jeopardize a relationship that you don't really seem to have a full grasp of by having sex with your ex.

 

Now - I think some people on here are being a tad melodramatic...sex with someone that you've had regular sex with before can take on a much different, business-like context than someone that you're head over heels for, so I can completely understand how you're able to compartmentalize this enough that you could do it just to quell your libido for now and have it not affect your feelings for mr. slow play. I know lots of people that hook up with ex's during "droughts" or downtime, not because they still have that flame for them, but just because it's simple.

 

This would be all fine and dandy IF it was established that you were not yet in an exclusive arrangement and/or relationship with this guy, which, honestly, all signs would point to that you are NOT in such an arrangement. I mean, 6 weeks is not that long, you don't spend weekends together, it seems that there's still an air of mystery about him, and you're not sleeping together...yet you are calling the guy your boyfriend and saying that you love him. In my opinion you need to establish the true boundaries of your relationship because you're clearly somewhat confused by all of this and it's pulling you in different directions. You need to ask him his feelings for you and how he perceives what you have, don't even mention sex. Find out if he's truly just in the "feeling out" stage with you, or if he's giving you the runaround. I think that this will make your decisions about what to do sexually with both him and the ex a lot clearer and easier to act on.

[carhill]

I have not been to his place yet, like I said we have been hanging out in public since we started dating. Maybe if I went to his place we would have had sex by now..

 

Assuming you're local to him, tell him you would love to fix him dinner at his house on Sunday evening (one of your "normal" days). If you both work Mon-Fri, you'll, at this stage, likely end the evening "early" since you need to get up for work the next day. IMO, this would be a perfectly normal move into his personal space.

 

My personal opinion is to not take the easy path to satisfying your sexual needs with an ex, as this will likely poison the flow of the potential R you have going here. Would you want this guy to be doing that while you're quietly "in love" with him? I doubt it. Do what's right for you because it's right for what you want to happen in the future.

 

I think, after another month of progression with this person, everything will be much clearer for you. My compliments to you for your patience. Hope it goes well

[Shygirl15]

quote=carhill;1721109]Assuming you're local to him, tell him you would love to fix him dinner at his house on Sunday evening (one of your "normal" days). If you both work Mon-Fri, you'll, at this stage, likely end the evening "early" since you need to get up for work the next day. IMO, this would be a perfectly normal move into his personal space.

 

I really like this idea.. thanks!

[Shygirl15]

Okay, today is Friday, time is exactly 11:31PM, so that means he'll not call tonite, just like all past Fridays. I'm so dissapointed and even cried tonite. He obviously has other business going on on Fridays. What a shame, I had put all my eggs in one basket for this guy. My current plan is NC; I'll switch off my phone all weekend. And when we get to talk on Monday, I'll officially dump him.

 

I'm in no mood to meet my ex-BF too, we had agreed to meet tomorrow, but he'll just have to leave message to my voicemail..

[carhill]

Take some time for yourself. Maybe plan a long weekend away alone over the 4th. My wife is going to Vegas this weekend; packing right now. She could give you all kinds of ideas, none of which involve a man

 

Hang in there!

[Shygirl15]

Take some time for yourself. Maybe plan a long weekend away alone over the 4th. My wife is going to Vegas this weekend; packing right now. She could give you all kinds of ideas, none of which involve a man

 

Hang in there!

 

 

Thanks Carhill!

[Mahatma]

This is very simple. You make a move on him and see his reaction. If he happens to truly like you, the move will lead on for the rest of the night. If he acts really awkward or strange, its because he knows in the back of his head that he is cheating on his other girl you think he may be seeing on Fridays and Saturdays. Girls CAN initiate moves, but I wouldn't suggest doing it often, otherwise he will turn off completely and let you run the relationship. Sometimes us men need a jump start if we are nervous. You could also invite him over to your house for whatever reason you choose to make up. Sounds to me like he is interested in you, but may also be interested in another girl too.

[Star Gazer]

I understand that we've been dating for only 6 weeks and that he may still be seeing other people, since perhaps ours is not yet a firm deal, but where does that put me?

 

You can't cheat on someone you haven't established boundaries/exclusivity with.

[Mahatma]

You can't cheat on someone you haven't established boundaries/exclusivity with.

 

That is true also. If you guys have never talked about it, or even established the frame that you are dating, then really no one is cheating.

[sfsassy]

Hi Trubella, I had conversation with him, and he was very sympathetic, but said he didn't know much about the condition. So he said he'll look for more information online. He said he once lived with GF who had a 3-year old son with cerebral palsy, and he said he enjoyed spending time with the boy and took care of him in his GFs absence. He says he didn't see it as challenging as most people do.

 

Girl, I had such a huge relief.

 

I have Cerebral Palsy myself. Autism is a bit different, but it is great he is willing to learn, and he sounds very nice, if slow. I have a slow Catholic boy I like myself:)

[Shygirl15]

That is true also. If you guys have never talked about it, or even established the frame that you are dating, then really no one is cheating.

 

Thanks Mahatma, Star Gazer and sfsassy, truly appreciate your views. It's true that we never discussed if we're exclusive or not, but I'm not the type that would date multiple people just for the sake of it so on my partI was involved with him only. Like I said I really liked him, and in person he's such a wonderful guy but then his actions when we're away from each other tells a different story. I got a message from him this (late) afternoon apologizing for not calling last night because he went to a party (??). Anyways, my ex-BF seems to come through at very desperate moments, he called me this morning at 6am just to see how I am doing, and he has been calling every now and then the whole day today. He has no idea what I'm going through though. Not sure what I'm going to do, but I think I'll just take a little time to myself now to recover from all this and see what my next steps will be.

[Shygirl15]

I confronted him about dissappearing on weekends. He was very apologetic. Apparently during early days of dating, I casually mentioned that I use my Fridays to hang out with co-workers and Sats for running personal errands, so that's why he never thought of contacting me on those two days. It's true; this was my usual routine when I was not dating. So, we agreed that I will be the one to pick which days of the week we should meet. . So the w/end thing is resolved.

 

However, too bad this resolution came few days after I had amazingly hot all-night-long sex with my ex at Marriot..

 

Sex is still the part that I'm still not sure how to deal with, as far as he's concerned. I just cannot ask a guy to be intimate with me, I never have. They always initiate. I was just talking to him on the phone, he says our next date includes trying Japanese food and visit the aquarium in Baltimore, and after that Italian food , sex is definitely not on the menu. I'm so attracted to him beyond belief at this point.

 

Last night we went out for dinner, then drinks..I got somewhat drunk. Then I was all over him, like seriously all over him, I was touching him and play with his hair and stuff, guess what, all he did was kiss me like I'm a little baby, on the nose and on cheeks. I mean what's up with that, he's only 7yrs older! So I asked him to give me a full kiss, to which he delightedly did. So I don't know, maybe he's the type that waits to be told what to do and what not to do. I mean, he always let me pick the restaurants and activities we'll be doing on the day we meet.

 

Also, I have been nagging him to quit smoking from day one. He knows it really bothers me. He has agreed and is trying to cut back. Could this be a reason he's not intimate with me? Maybe because he thinks I think he stinks smoke and all that?

 

Much appreciation to any advice!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Because maybe he wants to respect you as a woman and sees you as such! why the hell are you in a rush to have sex with him in the first place? maybe he's one of those dudes who cant control their emotions when they come to sex and he wants to make sure he's nicely invested before jumping your bones.

[Shygirl15]

Because maybe he wants to respect you as a woman and sees you as such! why the hell are you in a rush to have sex with him in the first place? maybe he's one of those dudes who cant control their emotions when they come to sex and he wants to make sure he's nicely invested before jumping your bones.

 

Ok, Chrome I respect that. And I know that he really respects me, but it has been two months now damn it! How long am I supposed to wait for God's sake. I'm one of those that connects even better after sex. Now I'm spending night after night thinking about having sex with him.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ok, Chrome I respect that. And I know that he really respects me, but it has been two months now damn it! How long am I supposed to wait for God's sake. I'm one of those that connects even better after sex. Now I'm spending night after night thinking about having sex with him.

 

Damn give him time. maybe he went through a bad break up before. So he's leery of getting involved.

 

If anything one night just get him back tou your place, undress and have some nice thongs and matching bra on and white high heels and tell him your ready for loving. lol. That'll get any red blooded man started!

[Javelin]

However, too bad this resolution came few days after I had amazingly hot all-night-long sex with my ex at Marriot..

 

So you went ahead and cheated anyway?

 

You might as well break up with him now, you've just killed your relationship for a selfish desire.

[theobserver]

Shygirl I'm not going to jump on you.. actually screw that.

 

I'm not going to say you have now "cheated" although technically you have although that depends on how this guy stands on if you both needed the "exclusive talk" to be honest I didn't even know there was such a thing as having to discuss being exclusive with a person until I came to these forums I presumed when I was dating someone that was it unless I was going to some speed dating bar . Atleast the situation with my partners has been we're just simply together until we call it off or ask to see other people but I digress.

 

This guy your dating clearly has old values and likes to take things slow, he's been brought up that way or chooses to be this way maybe he has a deformed penis or some weird scar and is afraid you'll reject him unless he thinks you're completely into him. (I knew a guy that had a huge scar from his upper chest down to his belly button he would never take off his shirt or have sex with a woman for a long period until he was sure he wouldn't be ridiculed) however I think it's likely this is just his way.

 

Fact is you have your own ways too. You could of easily solved this problem by just freaking asking him if you could have sex . There are many ways you could of done this to make it clear. He does seem the type of person that just needs to be told these days most people are expecting sex within the first 2 weeks or it's not on. Others however aren't looking for the casual I don't think he is either and is waiting for the right moment and wants to build a connection not on sex.

 

Is he right in doing this? In some ways yes but at the end of the day sexual compatability can be a deal breaker no mater how strong that non sexual compatability. End of the day though you have slept with your ex merely to get your kicks, not only does your ex now know your an easy lay whenever your horny and believe me he'll come back for more and you'll give it but if things did work out with the current guy one day you'll let slip what you did or he'll find and he might not exactly be pleased.

 

This is now not about getting him to screw you, but telling him what you've done so he can decide if your'e worth it. Personally at the moment it just seems you're using this guy you've already betrayed him once what else are you going to do?

[kerrieberrie]

he's available to me from Sunday to Thursday, come Fri and Sat he kinda dissapears. It's sort of impossible to get him on Friday nights and Saturday mornings; he may emerge sometime around Saturday afternoon and come up with some story.

 

Something's not right here, and even you've picked it up? I think he's cheating on his gf with you. If he claims he likes you so much, he won't be seeing other people even if it's 6 weeks. He could be spending time with his friends, but hey, it's friday/ saturday? can't he spare a little time for you?

 

My friend, don't believe everything that men say, they are too afraid to tell us the truth sometimes. (we cry and we get upset). So, best thing is, trust your heart.

 

About your ex... if you're not doubting how appropriate or good it is for you, you won't be asking this question. Relationship when it's right, it'll be very straight forward! don't go back to an ex, you guys broke up for a reason.

[theobserver]

Something's not right here, and even you've picked it up? I think he's cheating on his gf with you. If he claims he likes you so much, he won't be seeing other people even if it's 6 weeks. He could be spending time with his friends, but hey, it's friday/ saturday? can't he spare a little time for you?

 

My friend, don't believe everything that men say, they are too afraid to tell us the truth sometimes. (we cry and we get upset). So, best thing is, trust your heart.

 

About your ex... if you're not doubting how appropriate or good it is for you, you won't be asking this question. Relationship when it's right, it'll be very straight forward! don't go back to an ex, you guys broke up for a reason.

 

I think you should read her response in page 3. His reasons for avoiding calling etc is because of something she said early in the relationship that she's usually out drinking/busy during fridays and saturdays etc which he took as her personal day to herself give him some credit for actually listening to a woman and taking what she says seriously. Also she has slept with her ex already and doesn't seem too sorry about it and is still being taken out to dinner with the "frigid" guy probably at his expense.

 

It's possible he could have someone on the side but she's actually cheated on him that much is fact.

[Stockalone]

I'm not trashy or a cheater, and I'm in love with my boyfriend (he doesn't know that yet). I just get all these ideas on cheating because I'm sexually frustrated.

 

So, why did your feelings change? Because I really don't buy the "I love him" when you go meet your ex to have sex in a hotel.

 

 

However, too bad this resolution came few days after I had amazingly hot all-night-long sex with my ex at Marriot..

 

That is just very, very sad but it is also brave to admit this.

 

Personally, I think it is insane that it is supposed to be o.k. to f*ck other people until you have an "exlusivity" talk. But I realize that a lot of people don't have a problem with this. So I am not calling it cheating (not that it would make a difference to me), and maybe Mr. Slow thinks it was not a big deal since you weren't exclusive. But I doubt it.

 

I assume you don't plan on telling him?

 

 

However, it seems like you were both leaning in the exclusivity direction:

 

On the other hand, I seem think he wants us to become exclusive. Since we met online, yesterday he said to me that we need to close our accounts because "things are really great between us". I agreed.

 

Granted, this leaves room for interpretation, but does there really need to be a talk that involves "from now on, none of us is going to f*ck other people?".

 

And you call him your bf, does he do the same, call you your gf? Because I would consider that to be exclusive.

 

 

I confronted him about dissappearing on weekends. He was very apologetic. Apparently during early days of dating, I casually mentioned that I use my Fridays to hang out with co-workers and Sats for running personal errands, so that's why he never thought of contacting me on those two days. It's true; this was my usual routine when I was not dating. So, we agreed that I will be the one to pick which days of the week we should meet. . So the w/end thing is resolved.

 

He could be seeing other people or he could be sincere about all this.

 

The thing is, why wait so long to become intimate with you if he is a player? It's not like you are the one that makes him wait. What does your gut feeling tell you? Is he sincere or is he hiding things? You were uneasy about him going MIA on the weekends. Do you believe him now or do you still have doubts?

 

He seems very traditional, maybe also shy and the "faith" might not be an act. This guy is taking his time and doesn't want to be, or can't be agressive.

 

Unfortunately, as a guy, if you are too passive, you normally lose. Most women might find that cute in the beginning but will soon become irritated by it. And after the Marriot incident, it seems that you are more receptive to the agressive guy. And you aren't really to blame for that. Most women are used to a different type of man. But hooking up with your ex because you weren't getting any from the guy you call your bf and claim to love seems just plain wrong to me.

 

You have a son that is autistic (?) and that might also play a role in why Mr. slow is taking his time. You said he has now taken more of an interest and seems to be willing to go along with it. He might not want to rush things and really wants to be sure that he is seeing a future for your relationship. A good men wouldn't rush into a relationship with a single mom and expose her kid to a new person when he isn't sincere in his intentions.

 

So I don't know, maybe he's the type that waits to be told what to do and what not to do. I mean, he always let me pick the restaurants and activities we'll be doing on the day we meet.

 

Also, I have been nagging him to quit smoking from day one. He knows it really bothers me. He has agreed and is trying to cut back. Could this be a reason he's not intimate with me? Maybe because he thinks I think he stinks smoke and all that?

 

Maybe he is somewhat of a doormat. There are guys that are afraid of doing something inappropriate and thus rather not do anything if they aren't sure you want them to. If a passive guy isn't for you, then cut him loose or try to get him to understand that it is all right to be more agressive.

 

I am fairly certain that you would have gotten a response out of him, had you told him that you really want and need the sex to take this relationship to the next level. Either way, that would have given you something to work with. He would either have agreed or he would have explained his reasons or maybe talked about his reservations.

 

I guess I don't understand why you can't tell Mr. Slow that you want sex but have no problem with a Marriot session with your ex.

 

I think that means you need a guy who knows how to push your buttons and one who doesn't need be told how and when to do it. Maybe you need to think about it, if Mr. Slow is really the kind of guy you can be happy with if he can't meet your needs.

 

I just wish he could make that move and save me from my ex-BF.

 

Come on! You know that isn't how it works. He didn't force you to hook up with your ex. That was your decision. He can't save you from yourself. Besides, how was he even supposed to know that you need to be saved in the first place.

[Shygirl15]

See, I'm not even sure if it's appropriate to call him my BF, just yet. I'm not sure if he refers me as his GF anyway. We're very close but truth is we're not exclusive because we have not had that talk yet. I cannot see him bring this up ever. All I can see is me bring it up, and him say "yes, of course". I can see myself ask to be intimate with him, and I can see him saying "yes, sure"!

 

Bottom line is, I really don't want to be the one running the relationship here. Like Stockalone said, it's kinda 'cute' in the beginning if a guy lets you call the all shots, but now it's becoming VERY irritating.

[Stockalone]

I don't think what you did was right. However, if Mr. Slow is indeed aware of the rules and didn't say anything to change those rules, you did nothing wrong either.

 

Seems to be a case of "hate the game not the player" on my part. If I ever date again, I need to make sure that I change those rules right from the start.

 

 

See, I'm not even sure if it's appropriate to call him my BF, just yet. I'm not sure if he refers me as his GF anyway. We're very close but truth is we're not exclusive because we have not had that talk yet. I cannot see him bring this up ever. All I can see is me bring it up, and him say "yes, of course". I can see myself ask to be intimate with him, and I can see him saying "yes, sure"!

 

I am still irritated by this whole "everything is fair game as long as you aren't exclusive" thing. I guess it is just that I am a very conservative guy. I would prefer the rules to be that you aren't seeing other people unless that has been talked about. I would have never thought about dating multiple women, let alone dating one girl and having sex with another, or even FWB. That is just gross. I don't want to date a woman who has sex with other men. Maybe that is unrealistic and makes me a relict, but I would still be furious if I later found out that was the case while we dated.

 

 

Bottom line is, I really don't want to be the one running the relationship here. Like Stockalone said, it's kinda 'cute' in the beginning if a guy lets you call the all shots, but now it's becoming VERY irritating.

 

How passive are we talking about? Does he offer you a choice, like pick one of those restaurants or does he expect you to tell him where to go and when?

 

He could have been afraid that you don't like what he chooses and that's why he let's you lead.

 

If you want him to take the lead from time to time, tell him that you would love to be surprised. Now that weekends are on the table, tell him you would love to spend a whole day where you don't know what you are going to do or where you are going.

 

And that he is only allowed to tell you what you should be wearing (as in casual, elegant, etc.) and when he will pick you up. Obviously, you should pick a day where you can get a baby sitter, so he can't simply show up one day and "steal" you away for that day.

 

You have dated long enough for him to know what you like, so he should be able to come up with something.