SingleDad Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I am tired of getting so much advice to move on and find someone else after separation. Marriage is a committment. With children, there is also a committment to them. Marriage can be rocky, marriage is not always fun, marriage can be alot of hard work, sometimes one or the other spouse may feel out of love with the other. 50% of marriages end in divorce. 60% of all children will see their natural parents divorce before they reach adulthood. Why do so many people give the advice to just give up when their spouse wants out - to just "go out and have fun for yourself". What ever happened to doing everything you can to make things work ? If your love your spouse you should do everything you can to make things work, especially when kids are involved. Sure, you can try to start all over again with someone new - but chances are you will have the same issues with someone new 60% of second marriages also end in divorce. My STBXW and I do have many issues and conflicts to resolve. But I love her. I love my daughter. Deep down, I believe she loves me (and wishes I could be more understanding and emotionallly and spiritually connected to her) and did tell me once during this divorce that I should be fighting for the one I love. I also cannot comprehend the challenges in a life of passing our daughter back and forth between us for the next 15 years. Seems to me, that it would be so much easier to battle the odds and win back my wife's love. It wasn't very long ago that she was fighting to save our marriage when I was blind and not understanding our our issues. Now that the reality of a what a life would be like without my wife and with 50% of the time with my daughter, I understand what my wife meant. I have learned many lessions. Nothing is more important than my daughter. I am learning what is is like to be a dedicated loving father. I will do anything to make my family whole again. I have learned what it means to listen to my wife. before I was just hearing her - knowing the words she was saying. But that was not listening - listening is understanding what she is saying, empathizing with her, knowing how she is feeling, and being connected to her feelings. I thought that I was unhapppy with my marriage. But I did not know what happpiness was until I felt the anguish of being separated from my wife and daughter. All I remember is how happy and content I was with my life. Marriage is not a fairytale, times are not always good, but there are enough good times and good reasons to stay married - sometimes you may need to just savor the little moments to see the truth. I have 12 months to try to re-connect with my wife - which I believe is why the separation rules exist. Maybe it will not result in staying married. Maybe we will be good friends. Maybe we could have a better marriage than it was before. Why is it wrong to try ? Why is it wrong to keep the hope ? And, of course, for all you pundants out their, yes I also have to do it for myself to be strong and realize that there is also a probability that divorce is eminent. But how can I live with myself if I don't try ?
quankanne Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 your heart and mind are absolutely in the right place, the only fly in the ointment is the fact that she may very well have moved past the point where you are now, and is convinced that divorce is the answer. And that's the hard part. someone in the past posted on this forum about when couples break up, saying that the person doing the leaving has expended every effort to make things work, so by the time that person announces he or she is leaving/wants out, that person is "all gave out," while the partner is having to begin that same journey courtesy of a mental whack upside the head. you doing right by your family and your marriage is commendable – a good man or woman wouldn't strive for less – but you're also having to deal with the fact that she's mentally out of there ...
breeder83 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I'm not so sure about saving things as a noble and worthy cause..I'm not getting any younger and what life there is left needs to be lived to hilt, with my situation, (and I'm getting ready to walk if things don't change,) not sure how hard I need to fight when it would seem I would mostly be hitting my head against the wall and nothing changes.. with young children involved I can see it, but they hurt from watching mommy and daddy fight all the time, too...
Author SingleDad Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Yes my STBXW is completely convinced that divorce is the only answer and she has moved on into her own house. If I agree with her and simply move on myself then it is certainly all over. But what if, just if... over the next 12 months or more... she slowly over time begins to see that I am different... that I have learned a very hard lesson. That maybe I am the person, even better than the person she married. She just wants to be connected to someone - friendship with someone who really understands her - I have learned that through this process... and I am in the best position to be that person. With a 2.5yo daughter, my STBXW will be in my life for many years to come... she may see things about me with my daughter that she didn't see before. If I move on - I am closing the doors to her and a united family forever... What if I want to keep the door open for a year or two... She calls me nearly everyday for one reason or another - even if it is to vent at me. I do not need to move on to a new relationship - I certainly would not be ready for one or even want one after what I have been through... but yet I continue to love my wife. I certainly may be setting myself up for another heartbreak, but I would likely have the same heartbreak in another relationship.
Nomad1 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Singledad - The advice you were given on LS is meant to help you cope with your situation. These guys have been through the same stuff you are now going through and have supported 100s of others in similar situations. Based on your account, things are heading in the divorce direction, irrespective of what you do or don't do. Of course it is commendable to want to keep a family together, BUT, does your STBXW think the same? I guess not! That is why you were given the advice you were give. It was meant to protect you. You will soon realise this and will come back on this board to lament about why you didn't heed the good advice. Your W does not value your M and your family. Otherwise she would have made an effort to get it right. Right now she is probably interested in someone else and sees the marriage and R as standing in the way of her happiness! Nomad1
WTFOVERMAN Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Clarity will come in time. I posted back in may about my thoughts on my current situation and I can tell you from my own perspective---False hope will only destroy you. My wife continued to tell me that she didnt love me like a husband anymore and just wanted a separation/space. Separation my a$$, its all lies....she was already emotionally involved with someone else and continued to lie about it. Its amazing how much your spouse will lie to you because of their guilt. Guilt could be brought on by many of things but humans will push the blame to justify. I had proof and the lies still continued to flow. Most spouses dont leave unless they have a great support group or something better! You got to move past this in order to live, 12 months or 24 months will not make a difference. If she loves you and wants to be with you, let her fight for it. In the end-the decision will be yours. Let her go and force her to make the decision! When she crawls back to you because you are what she wants, kick her to the curb or accept her back and prepare for the same thing later down the road. Insanity can be defined as "expecting a different result whilst doing the same thing". What have you done different? Has it changed the situation for her? Has it made it harder for you to accept? What has she done that has made you think she still wants to be with you? Step back and think about the situation at hand before you self destruct. Your only hurting yourself in the process. I was blessed that I received custody of my child out of this whole ordeal. Thats something that my spouse will have to accept down the road. You wife is not thinking about you, your child or anything else at this point. She has her sights on something else (not saying it is an OM) but it is something. But hey who am I to give advice....I've just accepted that my marriage is in the waste basket and I refuse to dive back in and retreive it. She must do that. I've done enough. You will wake up and realize that she is not worth all of this. If you dont think so, I will see you on here in a few months just like I am now. Go to the doctor and have them put a steel pipe in place of your missing spine. Lay down the law and get what YOU want out of this! Good Luck!
Billy Bob Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 If I move on - I am closing the doors to her and a united family forever... What if I want to keep the door open for a year or two... She calls me nearly everyday for one reason or another - even if it is to vent at me. She's moving on and you are in denial. As soon as you deal with that denial you can move forward with your life. She is way further down that path than you are, and is probably dating. How are you going to feel when she is completely in-love or infatuated with a new guy? You would be much better off if you stopped groveling and tried to move on. Figure that you and your stbxw both date other people, if both you and her don't find someone that makes you happier, then you have a chance to mend the fence later on. If she finds someone that makes her happier then good for her and you vice versa. If in a year or two she realizes you were her best match then maybe you have a chance to get back together.. By not moving on and groveling to get her back you are just delaying the healing that needs to occur in order to ever have a chance to get her back. The best way you could get her back would be to move on with your life without her, get a GF, be happy... then she will see what she is missing.. Right now you just appear as the obsessive, stbxh who can't let go!
Billy Bob Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 You will wake up and realize that she is not worth all of this. If you dont think so, I will see you on here in a few months just like I am now. Isn't that the truth!
Gunny376 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Reconcilation is like those ads you see in the newspaper that "You to can earn $100,000 a year selling cars!" Some do, but most don't! Six percent are out of the bussiness within sixty months, with another ninety percent within the first year. I'm not saying for you not to try and save your marriage ~ a pretty hard feat when one party has alredy checked out both emotionally and physically. If you haven't already, I'd read ilmw's anc cta original thread. I for one find life much more enjoyable not being stressed about my job, my carrer, where my wife is all ours of the night and who's she out scroggin. Eighteen years down the line I'm much better off without her. So what's your game plan for the next year and beyond, SD?
TrustInYourself Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 You need to be realistic with your situation. Your wife has to know you can move on with your life. Nothing is attractive about someone who is not independent. Holding onto the marriage will not convince her to stay married. Only when you are ready and willing to let go, do you achieve a mindset where reconciliation is possible. Think about that for a bit.
Recommended Posts