carrie3107 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Does anyone feel less stressed or less anxious that the ex is out of your life????
stlnsmile Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I do, the stress is a lot better. I think for me, my ex was judging me and my family so harshly at the end of the relationship, and I knew, even though I didn't know really, that he was not in love with me any more, that I was clinging on so tightly, wrapping myself up into nots, trying to be what he wanted me to be, trying to support everything that he wanted, that I literally felt like a ball of barbed whire, all twisted up, messed up, unhappy, confused, insecure, beaten up etc....I felt like nothing really. And now.....wow.....I can see how great my life is, and how much I have going for me, and how much I have grown with out him, and how he was holding me back, keeping me from what I wanted to do, keeping my selfesteem in such a place that I could not function. He was so nice about it too "Babe, why don't you try....", and "why is your mom being that way" etc....so it never seemed like he was being abusive at all. But now that I look back, he was chiseling away at my foundation, my relationship with my parents, and with myself. I had nothing because of him, had lost or left everything that was important because of him, but I couldn't see it. It was my fault as much as his because I wanted to make the choices that I did. I wanted for example to not like my mom at that point.....she was makin me nuts, so when he said stuff about her, I was like "yeah". I never supported her, and in the end, do you know, he said one of the reasons he was leaving was my mom. Well the funny thing is, he never knew my mom, I never told him how sick she was etc....because I kept agreeing with him. I don't know if this makes a lot of sense to other people, because being involved with someone narcissistic is an adventure in itself that few can relate to. But his opinions of my mom in a way came from me, because I wanted to rebell then against her. I never told him anything good. I guess I just see how I was responsible for his opinion of things and of me. I never tooted my own horn, I guess I thought he saw me for what I was, for the good me, never felt the need to make myself look good or important or special. Too humble I guess. If that can be a fault. With him, it was my downfall, I wasn't as good as he was in his own eyes. Its complicated, but to make a very long post, short.......yeah.....I feel much better now that he is gone in the stress department. And I don't judge myself and kill myself and tie myself into knots anymore.........yeah me!!!!!! I love me:)
sunshinegirl Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 It's a good question. I'm not sure. But I can say that I am less cynical and negative. Kind of like stlnsmile, something about being with my ex had me talking about many of my friends, family, and work colleagues in almost exclusively negative terms. I complained about them more than I talked about their good qualities. I attribute this at least in part to my ex being a very cynical person and one who is not prone or is not able to actively see the good in people. Conversation flowed much easier when it was "can you believe so-and-so did this?" instead of "so-and-so did the sweetest thing today..." He didn't respond much to the latter type of conversation opener. The irony is that in the wake of my breakup, all of those people that I bitched about to my ex have been the best support network I could have ever asked for. They have really stepped up and proven themselves to be loyal friends. Makes me ashamed to have been focusing on their negative traits with the ex...and perhaps a source of relief that I am no longer with such a negative influence in my life.
sultry33 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 yeah i feel less stressed.. daughter an him no longer at each others throats but then again my daughter has bf now who is decent an she has left school.. has job future.. all this he didnt think she would get! 3 months... is all it took. still wont come back though;) can say its been nice without the constant worry that he would loose it with her.. hard being stuck in the middle
ate_the_paint Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 It's half and half. I loved it when she was home and felt like giving me affection. She had a way of lifting the stress off my shoulders and making me feel the love. But I don't miss her going away all the time and making me wait. Wow, waiting for someone is hard. I don't miss it when she was always looking for attention from other guys even though she wore my engagement ring, and I don't miss worrying about how she always seemed to have one foot out the door. I am so glad that stress is gone.
Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Thing is...when he was with me, I always felt small and silly. All the things that I wasn't good in, or didn't know about always seemed to come up when he was there. The only thing that I was good in..that he seemed to enjoy was my performance in bed, and not even intercourse, but my way of foreplay...something to write in my resume, huh? Anyway...he wasn't great to be around. And yet I loved him. I don't even know why, but I really did. And so...I am less stressed, and more stressed at the same time.
stolenheart123 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I am less stressed about the constant worry of what else will go wrong in her life that I will have to fix. She had a job I got for her, and all she did was complain, about how it wasn't enough money. I told her to focus on school when she came home from work. She's 31 and doesnt have her GED, i told her how to study, but she never listened to me. All the while im working 100+ hours a week for a business I bought on my own while attending college for biochem major. I told her to save money, no matter how little it seemed. Just 5 dollars a week would of made me happy, but NOOOOO, all she thought about was drinking redbulls none stop. She pawned my engagement ring I gave her so she could buy redbulls. The day I found out she did that, I left and havent spoken to her since. I supported her financially, gave her rent money, paid her bills, took care of her daughter but in her eyes I was still no good. Im 23 now, I look back and see she caused me alot of stress, I wonder why I even miss her.
critter909 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Like Paint I'm half and half. Toward the end of the R it got very stressful and painful and I missed him constantly, worried, so similar to what I have now that he is gone. But I really miss him and the times when he was sober, not hung over etc. and we could be loving and fun.
inulg Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Like Paint I'm half and half. Toward the end of the R it got very stressful and painful and I missed him constantly, worried, so similar to what I have now that he is gone. But I really miss him and the times when he was sober, not hung over etc. and we could be loving and fun. sigh i feel the same way unfortuantely
stlnsmile Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Geeezzzz, did we go out with the same guy. I swear it was the same, for some reason his life was always perfect, nothing bad ever happened to him, and for some reason, expecially towards the end, my life seemed to just go down hill no matter how hard I tried. And I mean silly things, like it took 4 mo. to get into a dance class that normally would take a week, and he would think it was because me or my mom was slacking in someway. Of course he was doing this thing and that thing and always no matter what, better of course than what I was doing, if I was playing a sport, his sport was harder, if I was looking good, he was looking better...I think you dated a narcissist too. I can't explain it to anyone else, but if you did date someone like that, the self esteem issues you are going through are because of that, not because of you. Thing is...when he was with me, I always felt small and silly. All the things that I wasn't good in, or didn't know about always seemed to come up when he was there. The only thing that I was good in..that he seemed to enjoy was my performance in bed, and not even intercourse, but my way of foreplay...something to write in my resume, huh? Anyway...he wasn't great to be around. And yet I loved him. I don't even know why, but I really did. And so...I am less stressed, and more stressed at the same time.
stlnsmile Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 And just to set the record strait, now that he is gone, my life has become stellar....Im doin everything I ever wanted to do and more. I just got the best job in the world, Im making more money than I ever thought I could at my age, Im doing all these competition lines in dance, preforming on T.V., doing really well in my sport, working out at they gym, just everything is coming together, and my friendships are doing great, I get invited to parties all the time, which when I was with him, I had hardly any friends. Soooo believe me, it had to do with him.
justaman99 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Does anyone feel less stressed or less anxious that the ex is out of your life???? For me it was doubt. She had me questioning who I was, like I was a bad person, that I wasn't a man, that I was broken and weak. It was the hardest thing to think. She made me believe this by her actions during the end of our relationship and just after. How she could so easily fall into dating another. That told me her heart wasn't there. Then I look back on it and know inside that I gave her what I believe a lot of women could only hope for once in a life time. That's not an ego talking, it's just the truth. So in the beginning it wasn't stress it was me doubting myself and questioning who I am, wondering if someone can really appreciate it. It's amazing what some people, those that lack a true heart and ability to love can do to someone that has a huge heart and can love. It broke me or made me think I was broken. Not anymore. Bottonline is if you ever find someone that constantly seeks confirmation from you, asks you what you think about them without offering any opinion or heart about how they feel, always looks for validation, gets angry with you for trying to help, always looks to you to show admiration and caring don't date this person. They will suck you dry of any of your good being. All they want is to know where you are without offering anything in return. It's a huge insecurity and one that can't be solved by you no matter how much you put in.
Simon Leon Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Am I less stressed, I am finally able to look in the mirror an like what I see. No..my stress if diminishing. Still love th fudk out off her though. John
The Y Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I think it's here. I feel it. Yup. Less stress. Ahh...
Nevermind Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Bottonline is if you ever find someone that constantly seeks confirmation from you, asks you what you think about them without offering any opinion or heart about how they feel, always looks for validation, gets angry with you for trying to help, always looks to you to show admiration and caring don't date this person. They will suck you dry of any of your good being. All they want is to know where you are without offering anything in return. It's a huge insecurity and one that can't be solved by you no matter how much you put in. This makes me wonder if my relationship was a vicious circle. I felt like a doofus with him, and I sometimes said that, he got angry, I felt more like a doofus etc. He never admired me, and I never looked for admiration. He also always said that I showed him love in a way he had never felt before. He said he felt so loved by me, it was the best feeling ever. So...can I have been like justaman's girlfriend and loving at the same time? Was it my fault just as much as his?
LikeCharlotte Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Does anyone feel less stressed or less anxious that the ex is out of your life????No. Our last month was tough but still, no. The ex was a bright light in an otherwise dim life so any stress out break up caused was worth it at the end of the day. I felt safe and happy most of the time and he did try to help me manage anything that came up no matter how trivial (unless it was about him or us - he was often at war instead of with me, ya know?). I could say it is worse now but it isn't.. Life is just as stressful as it ever was. It was nice to have someone there for awhile. I'm grateful.
foxh1234 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 It's been 13 weeks and my life is alot simpler for sure. Less stressful, not so much. I still think about her and miss her and miss what we had when things were good. Life is getting better, just need more time.
kizik Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Hey Fox! Nice to "see" ya. Um, how do I feel... ignored, angry, resentful. But I love myself, so that's important. Simpler, yes - good point F. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, no epiphany on here that can heal you. The only thing that can heal is time. Bet you haven't heard that before! But if you fill your life with enough meaningful activities and people, time passes faster, and one day you will find yourself over your ex. Wa-lah!
tealeafbud Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Does anyone feel less stressed or less anxious that the ex is out of your life???? Yes totally and completely, but that wasn't always the case. I used to believe I might have made a mistake leaving her, but anyone that can have some tool basically live with her after a few weeks of dating/porking obviously has issues. Especially since it was only 2 months after I broke off the engagement. It's no doubt a rebound, but what do i care? i don't. I used to. IN addition, she still wants to be friends with their ex (me) behind the new love interest's back. I am starting to feel apathetic towards her even though I did speak with her today. It was weird. I really wasn't caught up in old feelings. It was more like talking to an insurance agent or something. So anyway, yes, right now, I do feel less stressed and less anxious now that I've moved on. Not sure about her.
flosslight Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Yes!! I got depressed during my relationship and I blamed who I was living with and my jobs. That was not the problem! I have crappy jobs now and my roommate is not great, but I am. I usually can deal with stress in my life but trying to deal with the relationship sucked me dry. I feel so free. I will admit sometimes I wish I had the wisdom to see at the time we were not right together. I think it might be because I wish I could have dumped him or had it at least be mutual, but I loved him and really thought we could work out our problems. I know now that I was not a priority for him, but I could not see it during the relationship. One silver lining is that I will never let someone treat me like that again. He was not horrible but he was not great.
justaman99 Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 This makes me wonder if my relationship was a vicious circle. I felt like a doofus with him, and I sometimes said that, he got angry, I felt more like a doofus etc. He never admired me, and I never looked for admiration. He also always said that I showed him love in a way he had never felt before. He said he felt so loved by me, it was the best feeling ever. So...can I have been like justaman's girlfriend and loving at the same time? Was it my fault just as much as his? I don't understand your view. You said you didn't seek admiration from him, that he felt a love from you like no other. This was not the girl i dated so the comparison isn't the same at all. Why did you feel like a doofus? HE sounds more like my ex than you do.
stlnsmile Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 This makes me wonder if my relationship was a vicious circle. I felt like a doofus with him, and I sometimes said that, he got angry, I felt more like a doofus etc. He never admired me, and I never looked for admiration. He also always said that I showed him love in a way he had never felt before. He said he felt so loved by me, it was the best feeling ever. So...can I have been like justaman's girlfriend and loving at the same time? Was it my fault just as much as his? I get it because the discription you provide of your ex is very similar to me and to her I guess. I was looking for confirmation, validation, help, refused help...bla bla bla. At the same time, I was the most compassionate person in the world to him. Did everything for him, so I understand how she can say what she is saying, her and I are very similar, I felt like a doofus with my ex, he never admired me, I never looked for admiration, he as well said I loved him like he's never been loved before, his better half, what completed him, but was I a soul sucking wench at the same time? Probably. I guess thats what i have learned about myself from all of this, I know now, no matter what ever happens in my life, how to not be cliggy or needy or dependant. It was a horrilbe lesson to learn. I learned the hard way.....but I have resigned myself to the fact that much of the fault was mine, that I lost him for substantial reasons, I can accept that now. I know what I did was wrong. It hurt him, but I really didn't get it at the time. It was my fault in many ways. I guess all I am saying is the fact that you are asking the question is good, because until we can see our own fault in how things turned out, and change those things about ourselves, we can not hope to have successful relationships in the future. I will never do to someone what I did to him. So I have learned from it. I don't agree with many of his judgements about me, but that is seperate from what I did. At the same time, and here is hope, I can tell you that this has changed me in so many good ways, made me soooo strong, I don't think he'd even recognise the new me. So don't feel like a piece of cr** for being the way you were, see this break up as an avenue for change, you will change because of this and you will be a better person for it.
MalachiX Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 It's mixed to be honest. On the one hand, a lot of the things that would cause me stress, she would help me deal with. Problems with my family, problems with my work, a lot of stuff she was there for me. And most of the time she knew how to make me feel loved and I'll always owe her for that. At the same time, yes there's less stress. Less stress to always be available to her. Less stress in managing our many blow-ups and issues. And I admit I'm rather disgusted with myself because I know there's a lot less stress trying to figure out how to fit her into my life. Perhaps the biggest lack of stress though is the following: While I know my EX did love me, I guess there were times where she seemed to love me for who I am or who she thought I was rather than who I wanted to be. I'm a dreamer. I'm trying to work a career of rather major proportions. My EX always did her best to be supportive and think big but always on projects that were more down to Earth. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I think it was the way she knew best how to love me. I just think perhaps I wasn't and am still not ready to aim lower in my life. I was 21 when I met her and we broke up just as I was turning 24. I guess I kind of feel I have one last shot to shoot for the stars before I give up on my bigger dreams and no longer am willing to risk everything. That wasn't the frame of mind she was in. I don't blame her. I don't resent her. But she was in love with perhaps many of the aspects of myself that I didn't really like rather than the person I wanted to be and think I can be. And maybe that's what I should have been looking for. Maybe I should have settled down with someone who loved my flaws rather than my potential. Maybe I've really screwed my life up. But so what. If there's one way I really grew up after this relationship ended it's that I realize it's alright for me to make mistakes and then try to learn from them. I'm 24 and I've only got a few more years I think where I can feel young like this (and I didn't feel young for the last few years to be honest) and be willing to go for broke. If it's a mistake, so be it. I know I'll find someone to love again. It may take time but I'll find someone. And perhaps when I do, I'll know a little more about myself and know whether I'm the guy she thought I was or the guy I think I can be.
AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 And just to set the record strait, now that he is gone, my life has become stellar....Im doin everything I ever wanted to do and more. I just got the best job in the world, Im making more money than I ever thought I could at my age, Im doing all these competition lines in dance, preforming on T.V., doing really well in my sport, working out at they gym, just everything is coming together, and my friendships are doing great, I get invited to parties all the time, which when I was with him, I had hardly any friends. Soooo believe me, it had to do with him. Did your friends not like him? I was in this situation for years. One of my closest girlfriends was living with a guy that I, and pretty much her entire circle, could not stand. I'm ashamed to admit this, but we actually stopped inviting her to get togethers because we couldn't stand to be around him. If we had a girls' night, we would ask her. But if it was any type of event where she would probably bring him, we kept quiet about it.
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