Kamille Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 You know what little experience I have had being partnered with someone who was, according to me, dependant on alcohol. You also know that at one point, I had realized that I wanted to be with him, for better or for worse. In all honesty, it sounds to me like, in this instance, you are using his alcoholism against him. There are two separate issues here: the fact he didn't meet your expectations when it comes to attending prenatal appointments and the fact that you feel, because of his actions last week, like your relationship is on the brinks because of alcoholism. I would suggest, for your healing as well as his, that you separate the two. For the prenatal appointment: You wanted him to go to the prenatal and he eventually offered to come, albeit not in a way you would have liked him to. Whether he was going to drink while watching the match is irrelevant. It sounds from a distance like instead of listening to each other, you are in a game of recriminations. For the recent re-entrance of alcohol in your life: I might be way off, but I feel like I can relate to the fear his actions are inducing, and the need to try and have some control over that fear. We all know though, that the basic principle is that you cannot control how an adult choses to live his life, what you can chose is how you react to it. And no matter how you navigate these emotions, you know how to get support whenever you need it (not that it makes any of it any easier). He is making you feel like you might be jeopardizing your vision of what good parenthood entails. You know you are the one who is going to sort out what actions to take. Sadly, you cannot control him, but, yes, you can chose to get out of harms way until he proves he has his act together, for your well-being.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I was being childish when he offered to go. I was angry that after all that, all the arguing and discussion and putting me through the wringer, he magically decides out of nowhere that he will go, all of a sudden. Then, when he suddenly decided the he would go, he was irritated that I couldn't just turn off my emotions and stop crying and be happy again. I can't go from zero to 60 in 3.5 seconds. I'm not a sports car. So he asked me to call him back around noon, and I did so. I was not looking forward to talking to him or hearing his voice - I dreaded it, in fact. I don't want to be breaking down all the time at work. It's embarrassing and unprofessional. I'd rather have not talked to him at all. He was being extra nice again, and he apologized and said that he should be more sensitive to my needs in light of everything. Well, yeah. It sucks to be in this position right now - utterly vulnerable, confused, upset, worried, anxious, unhappy, depressed. But he did throw it in my face that I wanted to hire a doula. So sue me, I want a reliable birthing partner. Now everything is tense and ugly. I feel trapped - if I hire a doula, he will be angry and probably bring that anger into the room where I am birthing. But how can I trust him after what he's done? How can I put aside my fears and focus on what I really need to focus on with all this stupid background noise to distract me?
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 He could have recorded it. You're doing the right thing by not saying anything to him about what happens after the baby is born. No point in making waves and giving yourself more stress.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Now everything is tense and ugly. I feel trapped - if I hire a doula, he will be angry and probably bring that anger into the room where I am birthing. But how can I trust him after what he's done? How can I put aside my fears and focus on what I really need to focus on with all this stupid background noise to distract me? Oops, sorry I didn't read the rest of the thread before seeing this. He's being an ass-fool right now and NEEDS to put you first. If you want a Doula, then he should understand that it's NOT about him - It's about you having a safe and stress-free delivery. I say that if he gets grumpy and moody during the birth, he can leave the room and miss out on the most important day of his life. HE needs to STOP being so selfish and put you first and if that means shutting up even if he doesn't agree with you, so be it.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 blind_otter, do you have anyone who could be an alternate birthing partner? This way, you can keep your SO in the loop and if he's unable to do the job or be there, you could rely on your backup. I replaced my brother in the birthing room for their second child because he fainted for the first one and was perma-banned.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 blind_otter, do you have anyone who could be an alternate birthing partner? This way, you can keep your SO in the loop and if he's unable to do the job or be there, you could rely on your backup. I replaced my brother in the birthing room for their second child because he fainted for the first one and was perma-banned. That's why I wanted to hire a doula - they are trained to be birthing support people. I don't feel comfortable asking any of my friends to be there - they either have families of their own or have no experience being around someone who is giving birth, and I don't want to risk having my birthing partner pass out or anything like that. My mom - well I think everyone knows about my history with her. I can count on one hand the number of times I've spoken to her throughout my pregnancy. We are not close. My older sister? Well, I just don't know. I don't feel comfortable asking her, either. For one thing she lives about 45 minutes out of town, and has 3 small children and her husband is rarely home because he travels so much. I would feel bad asking her, knowing she would have to jump through a lot of hoops and make a lot of arrangements in order to be there.... I'm just a pretty solitary, independent person.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 If I could, I would just give birth by myself out in the woods somewhere. I hate being a bother to people. I prefer taking care of myself and managing on my own. But I know in this case, I will need people to be there because I will probably hit a wall and get scared at some point, especially during transition.
Art_Critic Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 B_O.. Why not talk with your Dr's office about your options.. I know you can get a midwife at any moment during the process.. Your options may not be as limited as you are thinking...
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 B_O.. Why not talk with your Dr's office about your options.. I know you can get a midwife at any moment during the process.. Your options may not be as limited as you are thinking... Hah! My S/O's mother is my midwife. I'm seeing her today. And I have to explain to her that I don't trust her son, so I need someone else to be my birthing partner. The whole thing is just so awkward. I know the other midwives at the birth center are all trained doulas, so perhaps one of them would volunteer to be involved. It is very difficult to hire a labor support person this late in the game. Most of them want to be involved from the second trimester on, and very few are willing to take on a mom who is nearly 38 weeks pregnant.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 In all honesty, it sounds to me like, in this instance, you are using his alcoholism against him. Shucks. I usually agree with ya, Kamille. But having once been in exactly the same situation you gals were/are in ... the alcoholism (aka: illness) becomes as much of an excuse for the partner to dismiss otherwise irresponsible behavior as it is for the abuser. Most of the time, even more so. It’s not even about the soccer game or a single incident. It’s the accumulation of things she’s since learned about him (being smart enough to try living with him first ) ... that’s given her a BIGGER picture of what she might expect in the future. I can’t imagine how someone who’s made a habit out of disappearing for two-day drinking binges is going to be any better at co-parenting than he is at partnering. Otter may find herself single-handedly raising two children ... an infant and an overgrown adolescent. I have to deal with the f*ck ups in order to get the good behavior. Ah yes ... the short honeymoon phases in between. Been there! Otter, I’m just elated you’ve carried this pregnancy full term. I’ve been keeping my fingers crossed for you with baited breath. But underneath my excitement for you, I’ve also been secretly worried that this guy would end up being more of a distraction for you than a help. Yet, I’m trying to push aside my own experiences with this very subject and hold out hope that things will turn out better for the two of you. I keep reminding myself that you are amazingly strong, bright and intuitive ... and life hasn’t managed to throw a curveball yet that you haven’t had the courage and tenacity rise above. You keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. Eventually the answers you find for yourself will be the best ones. They usually are. Given your mix of experience, wisdom and compassion, you’re going to be an AWESOME mommy ... regardless of whatever kind of father he turns out to be. You’ve got a lot of your Dad in ya ... and given all you’ve learned from him, life and other people so far, my money’s on the prediction you’ll probably be a protective one, too!
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Thanks, E. That post brought tears to my eyes, especially when you said I have a lot of my Dad in me - that is the best compliment I think I've ever received. No matter what happens, I will survive. I always have, in spite of all the random crap that I have had to wade through in my life. And I will protect my son until I die.
JackJack Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I hope you do like Art and Jmargel did, and post a pic of him. All these babies being born...might be time to hit the Mrs. up for some baby making.
mental_traveller Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 How serious is this appointment? If it's routine then I don't see why he should be expected to go to *all* of them. I wouldn't expect a gf to go along with me if I went for a normal medical checkup, only if I was seriously ill in hospital or something. Lots of men don't even attend births, let alone prenatal stuff. IMO you are overreacting a little. The bigger issue is his alcoholism surely. Maybe you are projecting?
Author blind_otter Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Well he did end up going to the appointment. He met me there. It's always weird when I go into the birth center alone and EVERYONE asks me where he is, from the receptionist (who is my best friend) to all the midwives and the midwifery students (there is a midwifery school associated with the birth center). I complained to my bestfriend for a bit - she's used to it, she's been the one who has sat with me when he's stayed out all night, and on New Year's Eve she actually stayed the night because she was worried about me. Then he showed up and his mom came out to usher us into the exam room. (For those who don't know, she is my midwife). She asked me how I was doing and I smiled weakly and said "OK" and she gave me this sideways glance and said "It doesn't look like you feel OK." My S/O was sitting right next to me and I burst out crying and couldn't talk for a few minutes. According to S/O his mother looked like she was about to cry, too, but she pulled it together and I finally stammered out that S/O and I have been having problems and I was afraid that I wouldn't have a support person there for my birth, and should I get a doula? And then S/O's mom gave her son a stern look and said, "I know you too well to not know what's going on. You've been going out partying all night and not answering your phone." She knew exactly what was going on, and she gave him a talking-to. He listened and looked embarassed. He tried to defend himself a few times but eventually gave up. In the end, S/O's mom assured me that someone would be there for me to be my support person, whether S/O was there or not. That she would be my doula, and she would call another midwife to deliver the baby, if necessary. So in the end I felt better. My S/O swears that he will be there when the baby is born. I don't know if I believe him or not, but I guess time will tell and at least I know that in terms of the delivery, my bases are covered.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Relationships are what they are. Some guys and gals are big screw-ups, but to me its in the end. If we can work around all our mess ups and let downs, that is all that matters. To be honest, I would be more concerned about his drinking than him choosing a game over a prenatal appointment (though I understand how important it is to you). I mean newsflash, no one will ever get it right 100% of the time. We all make what might be stupid decisions when it comes to picking what is important when it concerns ourselves and other things and people in our lives. Another thing to think about is the child. You might think he is a terrible partner to you, but what about that child? How are you going to handle the chaos that is about to come and you make your decision on how you and your SO are going to deal with your parenting responsibilities and interactions with the child? Is he the kind of guy who believes that a family should be split? Is he one for distant relationship with his kids? Is he even ready to be a father? I mean if he has a such a problem with alcohol, how is that going to affect BOTH of your parenting skills? Before you start thinking about ditching him, start talking his issues, talk to him about your feelings, you BOTH need to figure out the relationship you are in and its path. I wish you both luck and congratulate both of your upcoming bundle of joy. DNR
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