blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Help me get some perspective. My S/O has managed (somehow) to make it to most of my prenatal appointments. When he has missed them, it was usually due to work or being out of town. But today he wants to miss the prenatal appointment because there is a european soccer match on TV. Personally, I think that is a pretty dumb reason to miss the prenatal appointment. Am I overreacting? I think part of why I am upset is because he has effectively ruined most of the latter part of my third trimester with his alcoholism. I am just waiting until I recover from birth to make a decision about whether or not I will stay with him, but I have to say this really isn't making a good case for him. He doesn't know I'm waiting until after I recover to decide whether to be with him or not - he thinks everything is OK now.
JackJack Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I think part of why I am upset is because he has effectively ruined most of the latter part of my third trimester with his alcoholism. I was just going to ask if maybe he wants to stay home and watch, the "soccor game" and have some drinks and that might be his real excuse for not going. I'm sorry this is happening blind you and your child deserve better.
Art_Critic Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I went to all of them except the diabetes test.. ( I just couldn't be away from the office for that long ). I also did not go to the last one where they were checking whether or not she was dilated.. I think if you want him to be there then he should go.. Game or not.. on the other hand.. if they are just testing your blood or something like that then expecting him to be there might be a bit much.. I remember some of the appointments and afterwards thinking.. damn I really didn't need to be there.. but I was there.. It seems that your SO is going to be difficult all the way thru this and will most likely also be difficult afterwards too... I don't envy your position B_O.. you certainly don't need any extra stress on you and he needs to be OVER compensating... To me missing an appointment for a soccer match is so self serving...but you have to pick your battles.. if you don't need him there then maybe a reprieve for him might be in order...
bootylicious Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I am sorry this is happening to you B_O. Personally, if my SO chose to watch football rather than go to a prenatal appointment with me I would be gutted, so I don't think you are over-reacting at all. Your SO is already on thin ice because of his behaviour throughout your pregnancy and I agree with JJ that you and your child definitely deserve better. Look after yourself and use your energy for the birth. That is wise that you are waiting until after the birth that you are going to decide whether you want to be with him or not. Take care.
Nemo Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 But today he wants to miss the prenatal appointment because there is a european soccer match on TV. It's not just "a European soccer match." This is Euro 2008, one of the most important and pivotal contests in, perhaps, the greatest game of all. I don't think anybody should have to put up with missing out on such joy just so they could attend yet another routine medical examination. Anyway, that's just my humble opinion.
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 My S/O has managed (somehow) to make it to most of my prenatal appointments. But today he wants to miss the prenatal appointment because there is a european soccer match on TV. If it was me I'd tell him, is ok honey, enjoy the match. Who's playing? (But then, I'm supposed to be a bitch for guys to like me and that makes me a doormat.) Btw, thinking of dumping him after the birth is crazy, you'll need him.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 It's not that I need him there. I just wanted to see what HIS choice would be, without any input from me. And I got my answer. I guess I just have to catalogue this along with all the other incidents to make sure I have a complete picture about what I'm going to be dealing with in terms of the baby and my S/O. He called me to reiterate that he would be watching the soccer game, and that he didn't understand why I was upset. According to him, during this conversation we communicated. But I don't agree. At the end of the conversation he ended up saying that he would meet me there. I said, do whatever you want to do - it really doesn't matter to me and I can handle this by myself.
JackJack Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 "Btw, thinking of dumping him after the birth is crazy, you'll need him." Not if he can't be depended upon. If he is not going to grow up and get some help for his issues she might as well do things herself and be better off.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Btw, thinking of dumping him after the birth is crazy, you'll need him. I seriously doubt I would need an alcoholic partner who goes out at random intervals and doesn't come home until the next day. Why on earth would I want to coparent with another unreliable, irresponsible adult human being? Seems me like it would be more of a burden than a help to have him around.
blair08 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I seriously doubt I would need an alcoholic partner who goes out at random intervals and doesn't come home until the next day. Why on earth would I want to coparent with another unreliable, irresponsible adult human being? Seems me like it would be more of a burden than a help to have him around. I agree. I couldn't imagine going out to run an errand or something, and coming home to find him drunk trying to change the baby's diaper or something. Or him drunk passed out while the baby is screaming its head off.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I remember some of the appointments and afterwards thinking.. damn I really didn't need to be there.. but I was there.. It seems that your SO is going to be difficult all the way thru this and will most likely also be difficult afterwards too... I don't envy your position B_O.. you certainly don't need any extra stress on you and he needs to be OVER compensating... To me missing an appointment for a soccer match is so self serving...but you have to pick your battles.. if you don't need him there then maybe a reprieve for him might be in order... It's not about me needing him to be there - it's about what it shows when he puts aside his own needs to be there for me, to be supportive. I have to sacrifice a lot to carry and birth this child. It would be nice if he had to sacrifice maybe a percentage of what I do, just to show some solidarity or something. I think the reason I am so upset is mainly because of his behavior over the past 2 months, more than anything else. If he hadn't been such a complete asshat over the last 8 weeks, I would probably have absolutely NO problem with him missing this appointment - because in the bigger picture, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But in light of his relapse missing this appointment just makes him look like more of a jackass. I agree, he should be overcompensating. He's withdrawn so much from the bank of love that he currently has a negative balance.
Ariadne Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I seriously doubt I would need an alcoholic partner who goes out at random intervals and doesn't come home until the next day. Why on earth would I want to coparent with another unreliable, irresponsible adult human being? Seems me like it would be more of a burden than a help to have him around. Well, I don't know how bad his alcoholism is, to the point that he can't function. But you'll see how demanding it is to have a newborn baby. They wake up every couple hours throughout the night.
Touche Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I don't know. I'm no doormat but I was like Ariadne. I didn't need H to come to any of my appointments. The only ones I remember him coming to were the ultrasound ones. (I needed two ultrasounds.) Other than that, we were both working and busy and I just went on my own. It never occurred for me to even ask him. I get that he's recently effed up but you gotta pick your battles. Look at the BIG picture and whether he's there for you when you really need him to be. You said recently that he's been getting the nursery ready and doing all the right things. Focus on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Kasan Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Back in the dark ages when I was pregnant, my husband didn't come to a single appointment and come to think of it, I never saw any men in the waiting room. Must be a fairly recent thing for husbands to accompany their wives to these appointments. It will be over soon BO, your hormones will level themselves out and you will have plenty of time to make a decision about what to do about your SO.
blair08 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 It is good to focus on the positive and even praise him for doing things like helping out etc. BUT also don't excuse the inexcuseable either. I see alot of people thinking that just becasue their spouse is doing something good then they will let whatever issue is they may have thats effecting the relationship just slip by.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I don't know. I'm no doormat but I was like Ariadne. I didn't need H to come to any of my appointments. The only ones I remember him coming to were the ultrasound ones. (I needed two ultrasounds.) Other than that, we were both working and busy and I just went on my own. It never occurred for me to even ask him. I get that he's recently effed up but you gotta pick your battles. Look at the BIG picture and whether he's there for you when you really need him to be. You said recently that he's been getting the nursery ready and doing all the right things. Focus on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt. Normally I wouldn't really care whether he was there or not - so I was kind of confused about my own reaction. But I really think it mostly has to do with how he has been recently. It just feels like - he f*cks up and then he does a bunch of stuff to make up for f*cking up. You know what I'm saying? Like - I don't think he would have done ANY of the stuff that he has done to prepare for the baby, unless he had f*cked up. Because now he feels like he has to make up for being a jackass. But if he hadn't been a jackass, he wouldn't have done any of the good things. The reason he put the crib together is because the night before, he had been out all night drinking. So he stayed home from work and slept in and then got up and put the crib together to make himself feel better about being an alcoholic loser. And I'm sitting here thinking, is this how it's going to be? A series of f*ck ups followed by appropriate behavior? And is this something I really want in my life?
JackJack Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 "And I'm sitting here thinking, is this how it's going to be? A series of f*ck ups followed by appropriate behavior? And is this something I really want in my life?" I'm wondering if he is even aware of when he f*cks up? I would think so if he then feels the need to follow it with better behavior, but I dunno. If he is purposly trying to f*ck up then tries to smooth things over, then thats a mind game to me and no, you don't need it.
Touche Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I guess we're different, BO. I mean I don't care what a person's reasons are for doing this or that. I don't. I just look at the bottom line. No one will always do what you want when you want them to. No one. My H pissed me off big time a couple of times during my pregnancy. And after I let it be known he was great. I never questioned why he was being great..whether it's because he didn't want to make me mad, whether he felt guilty about his bad behavior, etc. etc. I only care(d) about the bottom line. Does he mostly try to do the right thing? Is he mostly there for me? Why am I thinking of the expression: "Don't look a gift-horse in the mouth?" Maybe that's not exactly the same thing but to my mind, it's similar.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I guess we're different, BO. I mean I don't care what a person's reasons are for doing this or that. I don't. I just look at the bottom line. No one will always do what you want when you want them to. No one. My H pissed me off big time a couple of times during my pregnancy. And after I let it be known he was great. I never questioned why he was being great..whether it's because he didn't want to make me mad, whether he felt guilty about his bad behavior, etc. etc. I only care(d) about the bottom line. Does he mostly try to do the right thing? Is he mostly there for me? Why am I thinking of the expression: "Don't look a gift-horse in the mouth?" Maybe that's not exactly the same thing but to my mind, it's similar. Well the thing is - I have to deal with the f*ck ups in order to get the good behavior. If it were all about the bottom line, that would be one thing - but I have to deal with the consequences. Sure, I agree with "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" - but if I have to get kicked in the head in order to receive the gift horse - do I really WANT the gift horse? I just don't want to be alone and having to raise the baby by myself, yet still involved in a relationship. I would rather just be alone, and not involved in a relationship, if I'm going to be doing this alone anyways. The relationship part just complicates things. Anyways, my S/O did not go to the AA meeting last night. I shouldn't have even secretly hoped that he would. He just really does not understand the extend to which he has f*cked up. He seems genuinely confused and has no idea why I would be upset with him, even though the last relapse incident was only a week ago. I suppose when you think about it, it makes sense. How could he remember when he killed so many brain cells on his 12 hour binge?
crosswordfiend Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 It's not just "a European soccer match." This is Euro 2008, one of the most important and pivotal contests in, perhaps, the greatest game of all. I don't think anybody should have to put up with missing out on such joy just so they could attend yet another routine medical examination. Anyway, that's just my humble opinion. Got that right! Russia versus Spain in the semi-final in what promises to be one of the most exciting matches of the tournament so far. I rescheduled important client meetings so that I can watch this match.
Author blind_otter Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 And FWIW, I did tell him that I think he's using the soccer match as an excuse to drink again. Naturally he swore up down and all around that he wasn't going to drink, but really. At this point I can't take anything he promises seriously. And I told him as much. I said, I would love to believe you - but I really just can't. I don't trust you and your word is worthless due to your actions in the recent past. So then he decided to tell me that he would not watch the soccer match, NOR would he go to the prenatal. He said he was just going to go running on his own. he was just being a pouty little baby. Then it changed to yes, he will meet me at the prenatal. I told him not to bother, at this point.
Art_Critic Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Anyways, my S/O did not go to the AA meeting last night. I shouldn't have even secretly hoped that he would. He just really does not understand the extend to which he has f*cked up. Sorry B_O.. He won't admit to himself that he has a problem.. this type of behavior will not stop.. So then he decided to tell me that he would not watch the soccer match, NOR would he go to the prenatal. He said he was just going to go running on his own. he was just being a pouty little baby. Then it changed to yes, he will meet me at the prenatal. I told him not to bother, at this point. What ever happened to video tape or a digital recorder? He is being pouty.. he might think there isn't any pleasing you ( I'm jumping into a drinkers head for a moment ).. He finally bends to give you what you want and that isn't enough ( I'm not saying he is right.. just what he is thinking ).. Justified or not you are the one who has to live with him and be happy.. and vise versa..
PandorasBox Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 He sounds like he is being childish. If he wants to go pout in a corner, let him. I think its possible to he wanted to stay home and drink too. Of course once you got back you'd probably be able to tell if that were the case or not. But still, I hate to sound like a wet blanket, but I don't know if it will get better or not. My guess is, probably not. The baby might make him grow up some, then again having a new life as a responsbility might make it even worse for him. You'll know soon enough.
Touche Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 BO, that's childish. If he said he was going to go with you then you shouldn't have told him not to bother. Yes, he was being childish before that but two wrongs don't make a right and he sounds like he's trying. As for the other post. Yes, I get what you're saying about getting kicked in the head before you get what you want/need. Only you can decide if the good outweighs the bad with him.
Calisto Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I would in no way want an active alcoholic to have any part in raising a child. I would dump him now, to be honest. Not to do with not going to an appointment but he sounds like a total loser and as someone mentioned, he could do a lot of harm to your child and can't be depended upon in any way, shape, or form. I don't know. I'm no doormat but I was like Ariadne. I didn't need H to come to any of my appointments. The only ones I remember him coming to were the ultrasound ones. (I needed two ultrasounds.) Other than that, we were both working and busy and I just went on my own. It never occurred for me to even ask him. I get that he's recently effed up but you gotta pick your battles. Look at the BIG picture and whether he's there for you when you really need him to be. You said recently that he's been getting the nursery ready and doing all the right things. Focus on the positive and give him the benefit of the doubt.
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