JackJack Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 This is more along the lines of some of the porn threads. OH NOOOOOO NOT PORN! Ok now that is over with. Its just something I've noticed and I'm not siding with anyone on it, I have put my opinon in on those threads before too. Why is it, when someone makes a post reguarding their spouse looking at porn and how they don't care for it, or wish they wouldn't etc, its told to them they are being controling? I don't get that. NOw, if the poster says, "I told him he couldn't ever look at it again and it better not be back in my house or we're done". I can see where the way they said it, might be a little controling. But since when can someone not a have a mind of their own or their own feelings towards a matter that bothers them without someone feeling they are controling because they feel a certain way on something? I don't see it to much if someone were to say their spouse was drinking alot coming home drunk and they asked their spouse to stop. I don't see where people say that is controling to ask their spouse to stop that, but I see it more with when they ask a spouse not to look at porn. OK discuss.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I don't like control of any kind. You clearly state your boundaries and if they're that important to you, you walk. Same goes for the partner. If they can't or won't abide by your (which should be few) hard boundaries, they're telling you something. Each person is responsible for themselves.
Author JackJack Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 So walking is best and not trying to work on a problem is what you saying? "If they can't or wont abide by your boundaries." Thats not controling? I hear ya on setting boundaries but what I'm saying is some might say you either do this or else is just as controling as someone who tells someone else their feeling on a matter is controling.
PandorasBox Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Some people don't set boundaries when in a relationship. Then there are some who do and they still get crossed. For me back before I was married, I told my husband, there were two main things I wouldn't tolerate. Abuse and cheating. He cheated, I walked. He crossed that cheating boundary after he knew how I felt. There are some people though who don't know how their spouse might feel on a certain thing, therefore it is wrong to tell them theya re controling. However, JJ, I have seen what you're saying. I do think its not right to tell someone they are controling just because they express the way the feel towards a spouse on a certain issue that they don't care for. Especially if it was something that the spouse either was never aware or if it was something that was never an issue or discussed. And yeah, good to discuss those things ahead of time.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 The other option is to continue allowing someone else to push the boundaries of your non-negotiables until both of you are insane. Healthy adults know when to stop. I just viewed the thread I believe this one stems from. Bottom line, don't agree to something you can't abide by. You've in essence created a false expectation in order to manipulate someone to enter a relationship with you.
Author JackJack Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 "just viewed the thread I believe this one stems from. Bottom line, don't agree to something you can't abide by. You've in essence created a false expectation in order to manipulate someone to enter a relationship with you." I understand and yes I think you probably read the one I did. But thats my point. Her husband didn't abide by how she felt. He knew how she felt apparently. HOWEVER once she made it known though that it bothered her and he crossed that boundary she was the one told she was controling. TO ME, thats not right. I understand he didn't abide by it, but becasue she told him how she felt on the matter she was told she was controling when she set the boundary. Thats what I didn't understand.
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