Just found this forum, have a big question and much needed vent? Need some .....

[ConfusedNKY]

Hi, I just found this forum and I really need some advice. I'm wanting to leave my husband, again...for the last time and want to know if I should be feeling guilty? He makes me feel like I should feel guilty....I'll give some background.

 

Met @ 17, Married @ 18, First child @ 21, Second Special needs child @ 24.....

 

For the first say 4 years of our marriage I had a constant barage of emotional abuse, along with being physically pushed around. This was a weekly occurance that would happen at home, around friends @ their homes and at times in public. Two of the worst times were when he shot our dog and said better the dog than me and then when he head butted me and threatened to kill me. The absolute rock bottom worst time was when my son almost drown because he wasn't paying attention to him. Thank GOD he wasn't all the way gone and I still get to have him with me here today.

 

For some strange reason he cut down his barage of insults and accusations to about every other month OR when we had a trip planned OR just something big happened.

 

It has now cut down to 2-3 times a year.

 

My husband has always been a drinker, he hit his max about a year or so ago when he was drinking a 12pk/night w/ a case or 2 per weekend. Fights were generally worse when he had more to drink.

 

During this past 12 years, the first year when we'd just met everything was great...we never even fighted. He was like a light switch after we married, I never knew who I would come home too. Now his light switch is like a dimmer, his insults and accusations are less obvious, more subtle.

 

Now I'm being told I don't take jokes the right way, that I don't have a sense of humor, that my family is trying to ruin our marriage, that I care for my dogs more than him, he even tried talking me into dropping out of college(I'm attending college to become an RN) to start babysitting.

 

My husband has a short fuse regarding my older daughter, he seems to expect perfection and puts to high of standards on her. She's begging me to leave him, the last time I left it was two weeks before she would even speak to her father on the telephone. When she was approximately 4 or 5 years old he made a rather insidious remark to her that I wouldn't even say to an adult.

 

He's one of those people that does something wrong and then will profusely apologize. He'll do things great for awhile, only to slowly slide downhill again and again and again. He'll cook and clean, and it all looks perfect to the rest of the world. His co-workers like him, his boss likes him, he does great at his job, he makes a good salary, has a decent house, 2 kids and a wife of 12 years. I sit here though always waiting for the next thing to go wrong, for the next snide remark or joke that I don't get. No matter what he's ever improved I always see him as the monster I've seen him to be so many times. He's even gone so far as to tell me that part of the reason he was so horrid at times is that neither of us knew how to be husband/wife, that I didn't clean, or cook right and he just did the best he could do(to help me be a better wife).

 

So, my question was should I feel guilty for having things in place to leave him? However having read this I believe I've answered my own question. I just need to know I'm not crazy.

[quankanne]

you're not crazy, just abused.

 

I can't honestly advise you to leave if he's truly making strides at becoming a better man, but then again, I can't say "stay" knowing he's abusive. And will do whatever he needs to keep you manipulated and under his thumb.

 

I guess the best I can come up with is the Dear Abby question of, "Are you better off with or without him?" Only you are qualified to give an answer.

 

meanwhile, know that we're pulling for you, and are here to support you when you need it. Personally speaking, I've got a relative in a similar situation as yours, but she tends to believe that her marriage to an abusive azz-munch takes precedent over her safety or that of her children, so don't ever hesitate to say you need a hug ... or anything within our collective ability, okay?

[ConfusedNKY]

The one thing I keep coming thinking is how can he really love me after all that's happened. The first time we split up, he had a girl in 3 days that he was "talking" too, he told me so in 3 days. They were having relations for sure within 2wks and moved in together in less than 4wks.

 

The past month since he's known somethings up he's gone to the bar when he told me he was going fishing. My friends have seen him at the bar dancing. He took a viagra without me there(was at the bar and told me he slept behind a store because he was too drunk to safely drive home).

 

Last wk he told me that he can't live like this anymore, that I need to go ahead and move out.

 

Then he'll turn right around and act like everything's just perfect!

 

Makes me crazy and confused............................................

[Ronni_W]

He's even gone so far as to tell me that part of the reason he was so horrid at times is that neither of us knew how to be husband/wife, that I didn't clean, or cook right and he just did the best he could do (to help me be a better wife).

You are not crazy. And I'm sure you have a perfectly appropriate sense of humour and perfectly adequate cooking and housekeeping skills.

 

If the part that I've quoted above is his current-day excuse for his past behaviour, then he hasn't made nearly enough and significant changes in his way of thinking...so, yes, there is always a chance for the 'monster' side of him to rear its ugly head.

 

If there is any part of you that wants to stay, I would make it conditional on him getting help with his anger and poor self-control issues, and going to AA or some other alcohol abuse program <-- This is equally important for you as for your kids.

 

You are not crazy. After 12 years, you surely can trust your instinct/intuition as to the likelihood of there being any of the significant, positive changes that you and your children need and deserve.

 

Best of luck.

[RubyTuesday]

No please don't feel guilty!! You are in abusive relationship, you deserve better for yourself and your children. Please make the appropriate accommodations to leave and never look back. You and your children will be better off for this, and you must know that.

 

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. No one deserves to be treated like that. Good luck with everything.

[marlena]

Leave yesterday! Don't give it a second thought...not one second thought. Save yourself. He is sick. Have not a doubt. Go and don't look back!