4givrnt4gtr Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Oh but I love getting in Sh**** So, I dated this guy for a year...it was getting pretty serious. Then I found out some dirty texts to some chick and I ended it. Ive been thru every single emotion in the book. From the I hate you how could you, to the ok maybe we can figure this out. So, long story short, after he didnt show up to meet me and then sent me a sad email about how he couldnt see me as just a friend, i told him i was willing to give us a shot but i needed him to think if I was what he really wanted. I asked him to be sure he wanted me before he gave me a call. And that if he didnt, then id understand. Two weeks pass by and I heard nothing from him. In the meantime my best friend (guy) started to put moves on me. I tried to fight it, but unfortunately last weekend we both got drunk and ended up making out. (no sex though). At this time i was sure my ex wasnt going to call me again, that he didnt love me, so I had to move on. On Monday I received the news that I got into graduate school. My ex knew about my anxiety about getting in so I texted him letting him know I got in. He called me that night and we talked a bit. Nothing personal, just congratulation and we talked about what we were doing and after a while we hang up. I was left with the feeling he just didnt want me but didnt have the guts to tell me. THen today he called me again. We talked for a while, joked laugh. At this point my friend has been on my mind a lot, and what we did on saturday. Im sure my friend and I are never going to be anything, but still. I was feeling a bit awkward talking to my ex. I miss him like crazy, but now Im feeling guilty, and a bit confused. Then it got worst. He asked what I did this weekend. I told him I hanged out with my guy friend and my other friend, went to the beach and then to a bar. He asked if I got wasted. I said I got a bit tipsy but that since my other friend lives by the beach we stayed there. He then said "I hope you didnt do anything stupid" I asked what he meant and he said that he hoped I didnt hoke up with my guy friend. I was dumbfounded. I asked him why he thought that and he said he didnt know, he just got a vibe. That sent chills up my spine. Now here's the kicker....i denied we hoked up. I said he is my best friend and I wouldnt do that. I felt guilty saying it...but at the same time...I dont know, I just couldnt make myself say I did. Its not like I cheated...but still. He said ok, and that anyway it wasnt his business. I feel horrible. What should I do? should I come clean and tell him I made out with my friend? Should I just let it die since we are not together anyway? ughh this is horrible. I feel just as bad as what he did.... what should I do?!?!
ate_the_paint Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Don't tell him. It will do no good to anyone in this case. Like he said, it's none of his business. If he insists on pressing the issue, tell him "I am not comfortable discussing this and want to drop the subject!"
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 He stopped communicating for two weeks. That's about as final as it gets. With this in mind, he has given up all rights to have any say in what you do. You owe him nothing, especially considering his past behaviour. I wouldn't have lied to him, instead telling him it was none of his business.
Prodigal Princess Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I agree with TBF (as usual). You have no reason to feel horrible or guilty! You should be relishing in the afterglow of being accepted into grad school (congratulations, by the way!), not worrying about a phone conversation you had with a cheating ex. His comment meant something to you but I doubt it meant anything to him. It sounds like just a teasing throw-away line that accidently hit a mark. I think if you brought it up with him again he'd probably just be confused as to why you felt the need to explain yourself, and you would feel worse because you would be again putting yourself out there with someone who is not reciprocating. I think the best move you can make right now is to go No Contact. Then focus on all the hot, single guys that you will be meeting at grad school!
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I agree with TBF (as usual). You have no reason to feel horrible or guilty! You should be relishing in the afterglow of being accepted into grad school (congratulations, by the way!), not worrying about a phone conversation you had with a cheating ex. His comment meant something to you but I doubt it meant anything to him. It sounds like just a teasing throw-away line that accidently hit a mark. I think if you brought it up with him again he'd probably just be confused as to why you felt the need to explain yourself, and you would feel worse because you would be again putting yourself out there with someone who is not reciprocating. I think the best move you can make right now is to go No Contact. Then focus on all the hot, single guys that you will be meeting at grad school! hmm well i guess if it had been an teasing remark, like one he did earlier in the conversation "any hot dates for this weekend?" then i wouldnt have worried....but no, he actually sounded concerned/jealous. He asked if we could go out sometime. Since I had asked him to do that when he felt sure it was me he wanted it made me feel all that much worst. Man...my life got so complicated in less than three weeks.... I wish i could easily just say screw you, and enjoy the attention my friend gives me, or meet other guys.... what a hot mess
Prodigal Princess Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 He asked if we could go out sometime. Since I had asked him to do that when he felt sure it was me he wanted it made me feel all that much worst. I thought that you asked him to contact you if he was sure he wanted to be with you? He didn't. You contacted him first. I say - not good enough! So did you agree to see him again? I wish i could easily just say screw you, and enjoy the attention my friend gives me, or meet other guys.... what a hot mess I know the feeling! You know, it would be easier to actually do this, if you weren't still in contact with him.
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I don't agree with the other posters. It's obvious he still has feelings for you otherwise he wouldn't see if you are hooking up. Only he knows how deep his feelings are but he did say he doesn't want friendship. He left it up to you if you want more too. You asked him to contact you when he knows and then you contacted him. You never put a timestamp on it so it coulda been 2 months before he figured it out. You can't put a timestamp or pressure and I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if he did that to you. In short when two people care for each other they don't cheat when there's a time off. Time off isn't a break up giving you an excuse to sleep around and not feel guilty. What you did wasn't cool but not horrible so I wouldn't tell him. You sound young enough to make a stupid mistake which didn't involve sex and learn from it. BUT don't ever think getting drunk is an excuse. Takes anywhere from 1-3 weeks before the brain moves on so he's still got a week. You both made mistakes (probably just hormones). Don't tell him jack and try to work things out after another week. Dump him if he cheated.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I don't agree with the other posters. It's obvious he still has feelings for you otherwise he wouldn't see if you are hooking up. Only he knows how deep his feelings are but he did say he doesn't want friendship. He left it up to you if you want more too. You asked him to contact you when he knows and then you contacted him. You never put a timestamp on it so it coulda been 2 months before he figured it out. You can't put a timestamp or pressure and I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if he did that to you. In short when two people care for each other they don't cheat when there's a time off. Time off isn't a break up giving you an excuse to sleep around and not feel guilty. What you did wasn't cool but not horrible so I wouldn't tell him. You sound young enough to make a stupid mistake which didn't involve sex and learn from it. BUT don't ever think getting drunk is an excuse. Takes anywhere from 1-3 weeks before the brain moves on so he's still got a week. You both made mistakes (probably just hormones). Don't tell him jack and try to work things out after another week. Dump him if he cheated. Well no it wasnt a "time off". I broke it off completely when I found those nasty texts to another girl. We didnt talk for a week after that and then he asked if he could text me and maybe talk sometime as friends. I agreed to that. We were also training for a marathon, so he asked if we could continue doing so. I said ok, but the first time we were supposed to meet he left me waiting for him. After I texted him asking him if he was coming he gave me a bs excuse about his car being broken. Then he send me an email about how in reality he just couldnt face me after what he did and that he knew he had lost me and couldnt pretend he was ok with that. I then sent him an email saying I had thought about giving him a chance if he tried hard enough to fight for us, but since it didnt look like thats what he wanted to do then, fine, good bye. He then responded with another email saying what a big heart I have and that although he wants to get back together he needs to do some "soul searching" and see where he stands. That maybe we could start slow, hanging out and slowly rebuilding what the friendship and trust we had. That was when I sent him the email where I said that he sounded like he wasnt sure it was me that he wanted. That before anything else I needed him to be sure and to take time away to think about it seriously. TO think whether he can respect me and love me the way I deserve to be. He never responded to that email. After two weeks I figured he had decided it was not worth the effort. So as you see, it wasnt as easy as "we're on a break". Its been really confusing and complicated. As much as I care for him...I cant sit here waiting for him forever. Thats why I did what I did... Now that apparently he got it together, it may be too late...Im not sure, after all its been more than a month (not two weeks) since we broke up. But i guess we'll see.
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 So as you see, it wasnt as easy as "we're on a break". Its been really confusing and complicated. As much as I care for him...I cant sit here waiting for him forever. Thats why I did what I did... Now that apparently he got it together, it may be too late...Im not sure, after all its been more than a month (not two weeks) since we broke up. But i guess we'll see. Awww don't give up this is confusing I know. But let me say this again, you were on a time off even though you "broke up". Every breakup big or small has a window that really is a gray area. What you do in that time window determins what happens in the future. Think of it as the same thing when you first meet someone you have that same window which I call the grace period like at work. How you behave determines where the relationship goes. Why do I say this??? Because we're all hot heads and we all say and do stupid things from time to time. We're not robots and emotions sometimes get the better of us. So should we be punished like little kids forever because of stupid little mistakes? NO we shouldn't. The only exception to this is cheating or anything meant to emotionally scar or hurt the person you're with. The other things are trivial and people need to stop acting like spoiled little kids expecting too much. You screwed up by over-reacting because you didn't say you had a talk about why he was doing it. Maybe you weren't being physical with him. Maybe you're controlling by giving him ultimatums, how often you two have sex, etc.... We don't need to know the details but there's a reason he did it and you haven't said you know what that is which leads me to believe you had a big roll in this. After 2 weeks you decide??? Come on you just got pissed you didn't get your way and he rolled over for you and you acted like a spoiled kid by showing him he screwed up by getting with another guy. You two never closed the relationship so you were on a break. Why do people always have an excuse to act badly? Seriously, enough with blame. Unless something bad happened or you're looking for a reason to dump him then talk to him. He's not going to cave in if he thinks you were at fault. If both of you were at fault this is the era of equality so the person who screwed up more (bigger picture of what lead to this) needs to apologize first.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Awww don't give up this is confusing I know. But let me say this again, you were on a time off even though you "broke up". Every breakup big or small has a window that really is a gray area. What you do in that time window determins what happens in the future. Think of it as the same thing when you first meet someone you have that same window which I call the grace period like at work. How you behave determines where the relationship goes. Why do I say this??? Because we're all hot heads and we all say and do stupid things from time to time. We're not robots and emotions sometimes get the better of us. So should we be punished like little kids forever because of stupid little mistakes? NO we shouldn't. The only exception to this is cheating or anything meant to emotionally scar or hurt the person you're with. The other things are trivial and people need to stop acting like spoiled little kids expecting too much. You screwed up by over-reacting because you didn't say you had a talk about why he was doing it. Maybe you weren't being physical with him. Maybe you're controlling by giving him ultimatums, how often you two have sex, etc.... We don't need to know the details but there's a reason he did it and you haven't said you know what that is which leads me to believe you had a big roll in this. After 2 weeks you decide??? Come on you just got pissed you didn't get your way and he rolled over for you and you acted like a spoiled kid by showing him he screwed up by getting with another guy. You two never closed the relationship so you were on a break. Why do people always have an excuse to act badly? Seriously, enough with blame. Unless something bad happened or you're looking for a reason to dump him then talk to him. He's not going to cave in if he thinks you were at fault. If both of you were at fault this is the era of equality so the person who screwed up more (bigger picture of what lead to this) needs to apologize first. Ohhhhhh so you meant to say I AM at fault of him cheating on me instead of coming to me and tell me something was wrong...ohhh my bad Look, as I said its a lot more complicated than what I can write here, but if you like you can always look at the history of the whole relationship in other threads where I fought for this relationship with teeth and nails. I gave him more than enough room to make up his mind. He said he liked to take it slow? ok, we took it slow and for the first 6 months we didnt define the relationship. So he couldnt introduce me to his family unless he was sure he wanted to marry me? Fine, I didnt meet anyone of his family members until about 8 months into the relationship, never pressured him, let him deal with his family issues. He always was busy and could only see me twice a week, when ofcourse we had sex, unless we ran out of condoms and he was too embarrased (and cheap) to go buy more. The more I think about it, you are right...It was my fault he cheated. Why? because all along he showed me he didnt care for me enough but didnt have the balls to tell me and break it off. So what did he do to get off of it? the easy thing, the one thing I told him I couldnt take. Cheated. And then to ease his mind, he cries telling me he doesnt know why he did it, why he threw away "the best thing" that he had. And still, here I am thinking this could be saved... yeah...im retarded .
loomis Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Heres all you need to know A guy who doesn't take a second chance with a smart, intelligent, graduate student such as yourself. He doesn't deserve you. Also don't give a **** what he says, you don't need to tell him anything. Be yourself have fun. You're single. I know you probably don't like that all too much. But It's a good thing.... All I'm saying is if I was dating someone who potentially (and you did) get into graduate school, I would love them to death....you're a very patient person. Use it on someone who won't throw it out the window
t_veron Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 And still, here I am thinking this could be saved... It's possible. This is the same for guys and girls. When the other person lets you get away with disrespect then it's human nature people take advantage. You gave him a wakeup call and he admitted he messed up. Might be worth seeing how things go. Trust me, most people make this mistake, it's part of the dating process. Of course if you're done with him then ya it's time to move on so this is totally in your hands as long as you don't let him get away with getting the goods without giving you the respect.
Kamille Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I gave him more than enough room to make up his mind. He said he liked to take it slow? ok, we took it slow and for the first 6 months we didnt define the relationship. So he couldnt introduce me to his family unless he was sure he wanted to marry me? Fine, I didnt meet anyone of his family members until about 8 months into the relationship, never pressured him, let him deal with his family issues. He always was busy and could only see me twice a week, when ofcourse we had sex, unless we ran out of condoms and he was too embarrased (and cheap) to go buy more. The more I think about it, you are right...It was my fault he cheated. Why? because all along he showed me he didnt care for me enough but didnt have the balls to tell me and break it off. So what did he do to get off of it? the easy thing, the one thing I told him I couldnt take. Cheated. And then to ease his mind, he cries telling me he doesnt know why he did it, why he threw away "the best thing" that he had. And still, here I am thinking this could be saved... [stands up and applauds] Nothing to say that hasn't been said by Age the Paint, TBF, PP or Loomis. T-Veron, are you saying he's excused for taken advantage of her vulnerability throughout the relationship? And you do realize he didn't contact her - she contacted him. And now, he is, again, taking advantage of the situation to try and keep her hanging on, with him getting minimally invested. 4giv, I'm sure your ex is going through heartbreak the same way anyone who loses someone would. Of course he doesn't want you to move on and of course he will try to figure out if you are dating someone else, out of jealousy. But, again, his way of going about it isn't respectful to you. You're broken up. You're allowed to date who you want. You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to.
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