theotherone Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Hello, Two months ago a former girlfriend from when I was in my late teens / twenty years ago contacted me via the internet. Back than, we had an on an off connection for two years, largely through our friends that were seriously dating. She was still in high school, me in early college; she had some cold feet and just being younger, we never were that serious back then. I also sorta went through a smoking dope / traveling phase that probably was not that attractive, folly of a 19 year old - I'm not the same thank god I grew out of that. We completely lost touch. After re-connecting, so we go through three weeks of emailing each other a couple times a day, and set up a time to meet for lunch. The frenzy of contact was thrilling, and catching up worth of twenty years can be fun with someone that you have some common history. She was surprised how I turned out, etc. To be crass, I guess I was happy to find out she still looked so great. I guess there is some consistency there: she always found me interesting, I always found her hot - so a little bit superficial foundation to build on. We meet casually for lunch, and start texting each other at the same pace we had been emailing, and through some longer emails and couple phone calls, we both acknowledge an attraction to each other. She has some concerns about moving forward (she is separated,mostly, but other stuff too, etc.). But that said, we have some very hot texting, cyber sex, and see each other a total of five times, with the last time ending with a kiss. It probably would of went further but I was trying to honor going slow, so I vacated the vehicle though the forces of hormones and gravity were pulling both of us in another direction (which she acknowledged later...) It's been downhilll since....after being on cloud nine post-kiss over the last month. She canceled on me four times over two weeks, revealed she hooked up -- just eleven days before our kiss -- with a man she had a multi-year affair with but had said it was "over", said a couple little lies about that event (we were emailing and texting crazy the night she said it occurred), basically hasn't returned any of my phones calls. Even with the cold shoulder, she was texting me everyday. After the fourth cancel, I found this website and started to stop contacting her so our email threads went dead. But she kept texting for a week, and I finally confront her on our status - she says she is still "unsure" but still feels the same. I had a vacation planned out of state, so I said after emailing back a bunch of times in one night - lets take a week or two off to figure out things. Well, during that time, I get my head back on straight and stop thinking about her 24/7 and get back into some self-care routines like working out, sleeping and eating right, etc. cause I'm sorta a depressed wreck. In that state, I didn't go psycho on her, but know I know I showed a little bit of neediness about it all, that I'm sure scared her away a bit, but I it was congruent with the circumstances. I wish I would of handled it better. So I get back from vacation, I initiate contact with her over the last five days, but its all me via text and email with just short responses from her - she didn't start any of the connection. I know she has the right to change her mind, or even send some mixed signals. I can only control my reaction. I'm in a way better space than I was two weeks prior to our week or so of no contact during my trip, but now I miss our daily textings and emails. So in the depths of pining for her last night, I erased her phone number from my cell, and all of her emails. I don't have her number any more , unless I look it up on my phone bill. I'm not going to contact her anymore. What should I do if she contacts me, it will probably be by email? I guess I was cool land luke I could just be patient, but for some reason, I'm all squirrelly about this - and am stuck in all or nothing thinking. So, I admit it's fueling some obsessiveness on my part - which is about me - but at the same time, the whole thing hurts. I wish we would of stayed at the crush stage with no kissing, or least had a short fling - but being in between feels like real rejection and harkens back about her doubts she had about me 20 years ago - though she says its not me. She is not a very expressive person and can be passive, unlike me - so some of things she has said and wrote to me make me know I am special to her, but I just wish her actions matched her words.... So, I'm moving out of limbo land.... no phone calls, emails or texts from me, and I will cross the bridge when / if she contacts me next (she has NOT initiated contact with me for two weeks)..... 48 hours of no contact and counting....
megapositive Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Good for you! It sounds like the right thing to do. I know all about that obsessive thinking cycle... it's awful. Posting here does help. She sounds very confused and needs more time. If you can wait for her, it might pay off. Or is she super-sensitive and took your not contacting her for a couple weeks so personally she's too hurt to risk seeing you again?
Author theotherone Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 MegaPositive, Thanks for responding, I read about you in your posts and its sounds like you are getting confusing messages too in your situation. I will try to respond more in your threads..... Yes, she is probably hurting a little too, but I tried to meet with her face to face, or talk on the phone - but she was too busy or not available so we discussed by text and email. She said she was ok and thought it would be good for some space... I totally understand the rational reasons why she is unsure on proceeding, if the shoes were switched, I would have the same reservations, but I would of either not let it go so far in this direction, or would of made the decision to go for it, and jumped in whole heartedly. I rarely sit on the fence. It may be a gender and personality, mars and venus difference. MY BIG WONDER - If I handled things differently - not getting upset with she told me about sleeping with the guy recently when she gave the impression she wasn't seeing anyone, or not acted hurt after the fourth time plans fell through, etc., and just went with the flow - would she had the space to figure things out without me spooking her off as she realized she starting to get engaged in something that requires emotional responsibility? I am getting what I asked for - I told her before my trip and our break was that if we not going to get more serious, we had to have better boundaries. The texting/emailing every day was something lovers did, not friends. We would text - I'm doing this and that now and tonight, or whatever was going on in our lives (work, friends, family, etc.) But if she seemed free that night, I couldn't help to wonder, why can't we do something together or are you seeing the other guy or do you just want a cyber relationship? To be fair, I have more time and availability to invest in this. She has a young child, long commute, lives with a family member, separated for a year - in some ways I'm the other man, but I know her marriage is over, though her affair is not - though she says that it was really dysfunctional and only has bad things to say about this man. But it hurts for her to have such self control with me, and she describes just going back to this person despite saying to herself its over and never plans to see him again. Anyway...thanks.
Author theotherone Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 She just emailed me a one sentence reply to my last email from two days ago: something to the effect her response got lost in cyberland and she will try to email me again tomorrow. It's consistent message - an excuse of why she can not give a more intimate gesture right now but a slight hope for more in the future. I know I'm reading too much into that, but her email is symbolic of the last month. So, I'm like an addict....its not relapsing if I have...."limited contact with her and as long as I don't initiate it". But to prevent coming off rude, my plan is to reply to her tomorrow: "Hey, yeah didn't get that email. Hate when that happens. Hope you're having a good week." The ball is in her court, I've laid my cards down.....is this a good idea?
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