kizik Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 You have to know how attractive you are. And it's hard knowing that after a breakup, because your ex has twisted your mind so much that you feel like the loser they made you out to be. Oh, they screamed at you, lied to you, maybe cheated on you, told you in so many ways that you're not good enough. It's easy to forget that this person who has recently hurt you so badly, once smiled at you, listened intently to what you had to say, was excited to spend time with you. Minor revelation today: go ahead and act as if someone is into you, even if you haven't met them yet. Someone is thinking, "Damn, kizik is one smart, good-looking dude and I wanna get to know him." Because someone will be thinking this very soon. But only if we can be happy, despite the heartbreak we've been through. How can we be happy? Start be realizing that you didn't change; your ex's perception of you changed. You're still the same sweet, caring, intelligent, HOT person you always were. For some reason, they don't see that person anymore. It's not your fault, and it's not their fault. You didn't change and you still have the same capacity to bring joy and love to another's life. For instance, I know for a fact that I have "helped" several people here on LS, and that I may be helping you right now, as you read this thread! My insights and intelligence haven't changed just b/c some stupid girl failed to see the good in me. And go ahead and act as if someone is totally into you. You're a catch. Maybe you're not meeting people right now, but if you put yourself in enough social situations, you will. Be happy knowing that you didn't change, and can still bring lots of light and love into this world. I believe that the number one most attractive trait in a person is their own inner happiness. My ex is an unhappy person, and as a result, she became less attractive in my eyes. She made ME less happy! But now that I'm not involved with her, I'm finding myself again. Go ahead and love yourself for who you know you are. You are not who your ex made you out to be. You are you, before and after your ex. But you probably weren't you during the downfall of the relationship, b/c unhappy people have a way of changing us. That is only temporary, though. We're getting it back, slowly but surely. Smile, be confident, know that someone will be into you soon. And you will undoubtedly attract others!
stlnsmile Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 You know that day Kiz, the one when you finally poke your head out into the sun and all of sudden, the pain is gone, the doubts are gone, the guilt is gone, the what ifs are gone, all of a sudden the sun is shining again, and people are laughing again, and you are laughing again. You can breath and it doesn't hurt to do so. You can smile and its not fake. You actually can hear what someone is saying to you, and actually means something, and its not like you are pretending to be intersted, you are. You can hear!!!! You can breath!!!! You can think!!!! You can exsist in the world, and be happy you are. Today was one of those days Kiz, and I think you maybe on your way to having one too:) I don't know why, there were a few things that happened lately, and it was just utter and total freedom from bondage. I can't explain it, it makes no sense to even me, its just that day where you realize your exsistance is important again. Its funny though, I sort of woke up today and realize, boy, I haven't been taking care of myself, even though I thought I had. I was going through the motions of caring for myself, but now, I really really want to, and am actually excited about it. I just have had my day in the sun Kiz, and I don't think I'll be goin back anymore to the dark scary place:) I feel happy for you:) Glad to hear your having some moments in the sun as well.
sultry33 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 yes your damn right! put on a smile even if you dont feel like smiling.. i saw a friend of mine who i had not seen for couple yrs at the club on sat.. he been through breakup too he sent me text later that night saying "was great to see you again.. really missed your smile.. damn that lights up any room" bless him:D everytime i felt a bit down at the club i looked at my girl mate and smiled.. felt better.. i concentrate on me now.. look hot yeah.. swpend lots on hair extensions as i love them.. tan, perfume , clothes.. just because i can;) get out an flirt x
motive2002 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I'm handling fresh rejection, so the whole self esteem thing... Wait, what am I talking about, There isn't any.
sunshinegirl Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I believe that the number one most attractive trait in a person is their own inner happiness. My ex is an unhappy person, and as a result, she became less attractive in my eyes. She made ME less happy! This is big. I was very happy and in a very good place in my own life when the ex showed up in it over a year and a half ago. I was, by every definition, luminous. So for someone who was going through the hell of adultery/divorce, it's no wonder he was attracted to me! The big problem seems to be that he was unhappy/shut down/unable to reciprocate. In short: I, a relatively 'whole' person, got involved with a very 'not whole' person and he sucked away some of my happiness and confidence. And apparently made me a less interesting person, if my housemate is to be believed! That's the thing, an unwhole person can't just channel the happiness/wholeness of others to fill up their own internal voids. And I couldn't give him what I had anyway. Thanks for giving me a flash of insight, kiz.
inulg Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Thank you! I'm slowly SLOWLY discovering what he left behind! and what he took for granted in the first place!!
ianandris Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 This is big. I was very happy and in a very good place in my own life when the ex showed up in it over a year and a half ago. I was, by every definition, luminous. So for someone who was going through the hell of adultery/divorce, it's no wonder he was attracted to me! The big problem seems to be that he was unhappy/shut down/unable to reciprocate. In short: I, a relatively 'whole' person, got involved with a very 'not whole' person and he sucked away some of my happiness and confidence. And apparently made me a less interesting person, if my housemate is to be believed! That's the thing, an unwhole person can't just channel the happiness/wholeness of others to fill up their own internal voids. And I couldn't give him what I had anyway. Thanks for giving me a flash of insight, kiz. Oooh, sounds like me. Thing is, it only took 2 months for her to take it all. Still in the process of reclaiming myself from her...
quankanne Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 kiz, you remind me of the Maya Angelou poem, "Phenomenal Woman," in which the narrator sees the beauty of herself despite the fact that doesn't meet popular standards of what defines "fine-looking" – and you're 100 percent on the money!
Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Are we really the same? We change with our experiences. For me, the whole idea of love is somewhat tainted now. I will never be the girl pre-Giuliano again. I can't. This trust is gone. So, this in a way is his victory. Sad. Maybe in a while I'll think differently.
johnnienaked Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 So true. We attach all of our sexual worth and attractiveness to our SO. I have heard in the past that this is unhealthy, but why? I didn't want anyone else, why would I prance around and try and be sexually attractive to other people!? Thats what SHE did. The reason w e do this is because we committ to them! She kept her friggin options open, and i committed because I loved her, wanted to be with her, and didn't want anyone else. So who is unhealthy? The person who commits or the person who can't? anyway, awesome post man. So true and so friggin hard to do. But ya, get out there and get back to loving yourself. good advice.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Are we really the same? We change with our experiences. For me, the whole idea of love is somewhat tainted now. I will never be the girl pre-Giuliano again. I can't. This trust is gone. So, this in a way is his victory. Sad. Maybe in a while I'll think differently. It's only his victory if you let it be. You've got the right stuff inside. Over time, the pain will dull. This is a guarantee, if you let it!
Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Mh. The pain is doing quite good. I am only remotely emotional when I think about him. But I know you're right. Losing my trust because of him...that is nothing he deserves. *sigh* Baby steps. Thanks, TBF.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I'm awesome. Have I mentioned that? He may have smashed my pride to bits for awhile but I always know that I am smart, attractive and worthwhile. Loving someone who isn't prepared to be strong to be with me in no way hurt my ability to see that I am one hell of a woman. The sharks were circling me before he wounded me and they are still there now. You are damn right I'm a catch. What the hell was he thinking?
Author kizik Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 You are damn right I'm a catch. What the hell was he thinking? He wasn't thinking. Or rather, he was, but only about himself. They will probably never contact us again, but I'm pretty sure they think of us. Angrily at first, but as time goes on and they experience "lesser" people, the natural grace and kindness inherent in us becomes more and more apparent and the thoughts turn to guilt. Or is that just wishful thinking...
stlnsmile Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 So true. We attach all of our sexual worth and attractiveness to our SO. I have heard in the past that this is unhealthy, but why? I didn't want anyone else, why would I prance around and try and be sexually attractive to other people!? Thats what SHE did. The reason w e do this is because we committ to them! She kept her friggin options open, and i committed because I loved her, wanted to be with her, and didn't want anyone else. So who is unhealthy? The person who commits or the person who can't? anyway, awesome post man. So true and so friggin hard to do. But ya, get out there and get back to loving yourself. good advice. That was pretty awesome post. Boy that has me thinking:)
stlnsmile Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 He wasn't thinking. Or rather, he was, but only about himself. They will probably never contact us again, but I'm pretty sure they think of us. Angrily at first, but as time goes on and they experience "lesser" people, the natural grace and kindness inherent in us becomes more and more apparent and the thoughts turn to guilt. Or is that just wishful thinking... Boy Kiz, I hope so, I really really hope so. Keep waiting on that Karma train to show up:) I know I was a good girl, I know I was, I know I gave him everything...I know I romanced him, gifts, suprises, affection, fun, excitement, travel, everything, I know this new girl is not that way, believe me, I know. What goes around comes around is what I always say.
Author kizik Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Look, as far as I'm concerned, I am the greatest guy in the world. Sounds grandiose, right? Here's what I mean: I provide such consideration and care, talent, honesty, humor, great sex, good vibes, "Golden Rule"... I really can't imagine a greater guy than me. Oh, did I mention I'm humble? This point of view may be exaggerating to some, but I am not only sure my ex can't find a guy as great as me... NONE of you chicks could find a guy as great as me! Ha... go ahead and call me an egoist. These are things I tell myself to build myself up, when no one else will.
stlnsmile Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Hey Kiz Charlotte and I already know that...you have a heart where others lack that certain location in their bodies:cool:
justine4 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 You have to know how attractive you are. And it's hard knowing that after a breakup, because your ex has twisted your mind so much that you feel like the loser they made you out to be. Oh, they screamed at you, lied to you, maybe cheated on you, told you in so many ways that you're not good enough. It's easy to forget that this person who has recently hurt you so badly, once smiled at you, listened intently to what you had to say, was excited to spend time with you. Minor revelation today: go ahead and act as if someone is into you, even if you haven't met them yet. Someone is thinking, "Damn, kizik is one smart, good-looking dude and I wanna get to know him." Because someone will be thinking this very soon. But only if we can be happy, despite the heartbreak we've been through. How can we be happy? Start be realizing that you didn't change; your ex's perception of you changed. You're still the same sweet, caring, intelligent, HOT person you always were. For some reason, they don't see that person anymore. It's not your fault, and it's not their fault. You didn't change and you still have the same capacity to bring joy and love to another's life. For instance, I know for a fact that I have "helped" several people here on LS, and that I may be helping you right now, as you read this thread! My insights and intelligence haven't changed just b/c some stupid girl failed to see the good in me. And go ahead and act as if someone is totally into you. You're a catch. Maybe you're not meeting people right now, but if you put yourself in enough social situations, you will. Be happy knowing that you didn't change, and can still bring lots of light and love into this world. I believe that the number one most attractive trait in a person is their own inner happiness. My ex is an unhappy person, and as a result, she became less attractive in my eyes. She made ME less happy! But now that I'm not involved with her, I'm finding myself again. Go ahead and love yourself for who you know you are. You are not who your ex made you out to be. You are you, before and after your ex. But you probably weren't you during the downfall of the relationship, b/c unhappy people have a way of changing us. That is only temporary, though. We're getting it back, slowly but surely. Smile, be confident, know that someone will be into you soon. And you will undoubtedly attract others! You're right Kizik. People should be boosting their own self-esteem after a breakup. For me, I didn't have him telling me anything bad about myself (quite the opposite in fact, he was the one who had problems with his self-esteem). Yet still, splitting up with someone, whether they've been insulting or brought you down, does make you feel less of a person I guess. Building up the self-esteem is definately the way to go.
Author kizik Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Bumped. Why? Because you're still you. Don't forget it.
tinke Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 long ago, someone said on these threads (gunny, I believe) that people tend to trade down with their break-up. I found this to be very true. People seem to leave for someone less complex, less challanging, etc. This helps me. Sometimes folks just aren't up to a bigger person and go after the lesser! (easier, by definition)
miss_28 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 This is big. I was very happy and in a very good place in my own life when the ex showed up in it over a year and a half ago. I was, by every definition, luminous. So for someone who was going through the hell of adultery/divorce, it's no wonder he was attracted to me! The big problem seems to be that he was unhappy/shut down/unable to reciprocate. In short: I, a relatively 'whole' person, got involved with a very 'not whole' person and he sucked away some of my happiness and confidence. And apparently made me a less interesting person, if my housemate is to be believed! That's the thing, an unwhole person can't just channel the happiness/wholeness of others to fill up their own internal voids. And I couldn't give him what I had anyway. Thanks for giving me a flash of insight, kiz. good post...
sedgwick Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Last night I turned down an invitation to go out to a club and dance. This is the kind of thing I would have wanted to do two years ago, before I met him. But I automatically said no to the invitation. And why? Because I'm totally not cute enough to go to a club. Two years ago I might have thought I was, but I'm still at the stage now, a year and three days after the breakup, where I feel totally and completely unattractive. I cannot fathom anyone ever being attracted to me again, mentally or physically. He took all that with him when he left. I am way, way, WAY too ashamed of my looks to even consider flirting with anyone or asking them to dance. I think I just turned all that off. I don't want to bug anyone by making them look at or talk to me. He taught me that lesson. There was a time when I felt like a catch, but now I just feel like an annoyance. As such, I pretty much stay away from people whenever I can. I used to think guys could be attracted to bellydancers, but then I found out they only want musicians. Curses, foiled again...
Nevermind Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 He taught me that lesson. Did he ever make bad comments about your looks or showed you that he didn't find you attractive? Also, guys don't fall for belly-dancers, they fall for woman. What I mean is: the profession is not important. The person is.
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