sunshinegirl Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I've hit a point where I'm just repeating stuff now (has anyone noticed?). There's nothing new to add, no new epiphanies or discoveries to be made. I'm recycling. I get stuck in the same loops. And then I break out of the loops for a little while, and then the bad loops overtake me again. And some very kind, patient people on LS are still responding to me, still supporting and encouraging me, and I am sooo thankful. I don't feel like I can blab on about this with my real life friends and family anymore. They have been wonderful, but even I know there comes a saturation point, and that I need to be a friend and family member back to them. None of them were enamored with Eric; to them it is certainly just a matter of time before I 'get it' too. Maybe today is just a bad day, I don't know. But it's hit me harder today than it has in awhile. I spent half a second thinking about contacting him--don't worry, I won't, I'm not stupid. I'm doing the right things - eating right, exercising, I have my first voice lesson tonight. I just don't know how to handle these mental/emotional demons without getting constant affirmation of all the many truths people have offered me in the last 6 weeks. I feel pathetic. Why aren't I over him yet??? Why am I still fighting back tears?
kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 You're right, there's nothing more to say. I'm going on certain catch phrases / insights. Here they are: -Live in the moment. Be here now. -Don't beat yourself up for not being over it. Emotions will surface and resolve naturally. Don't let guilt enter the equation! -Realize that it ended FOR YOU because your needs were not being met. Someone will come along and meet them and "you will see why it didn't work" with the last one. -Are you missing him, or the comforts of the R?* Important question that a poster brought up yesterday. -Stop the negative self-talk. "I feel pathetic"... etc. -From Swingers: "You don't think about the things you have. You only think about the things you don't have." -Meet people. A good conversation with a man OR woman will re-invigorate your faith in humanity, AND yourself. Hope some of this helps. -k
Nevermind Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 You are a human being, not a machine. We cannot force our emotions, neither in a good nor in a bad way. But we can ask ourselves why we feel the way we do and eventually change what makes us feel bad. For now, you're not doing bad. You're taking care of yourself, you're strong in the NC, you're caring about other people...you are doing fine. Give it time, the fact that he wasn't worthy of your love, doesn't make this love disappear over night. It takes time, and it's about ups and downs. None of this is pathetic. It is human, and it shows that you cared. I have to tell this to myself as well, that isn't pathetic...even though my ex thinks it is. You are not alone. Don't pressure yourself. Babysteps. And one day you will suddenly realize that you're over it...and you will be able to love again, unburdened.
sailing Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Keep affirming what you have learned, and rest assured time will take care of the rest.
BillClam Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I too have the problem of recycling thoughts, and it does suck. We both need to take the advice of others and learn to live in the moment, which maybe harder for some others, such as myself. But believe me, getting your head out of the past and on a positive track is a must. And it seems you've got some good things going for you already, so keep it up! Eventually you'll be on track of becomming the person you want to be, and they'll be the ones missing out!
CailinPig Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Sunshinegirl, It doesn't matter if you feel like you're repeating yourself. haven't you noticed that most people here do that anyway? have you noticed how everyone feels almost the same way after a break up? But the point of LS isn't to keep others interested in your daily epiphanies (or lack of them!), it's to help you to air out the problems in your head. Listen, we've probably all talked the ears off our friends. This is the one place we can come and just get rid of all the garbage that swirls around our heads.
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I was stuck on the "endless loop" for a while. Eventually it loses it's momentum. Hang in there!
orangehose Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Sunshine, I too feel like I'm not as over things as I should be. Thoughts re-surface, I argue with those thoughts, re-read things I've written, then other things re-surface. Even if there's an intellectual acceptance of things, the emotions still take a while to die out. I still go about my daily business feeling like something's not quite right, like something is missing. The heart takes a while to catch up with the brain. I'm trying to reconcile myself to the scary possibility that it might take a LONG time, more than the R logically deserves, and that that's okay.
critter909 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with us for hurting and still loving. If everyone felt as strongly and seriously about relationships then many of them would be better and last longer. I think we are the good guys and shouldn't beat ourselves up!
carrotgirl Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Why am I still fighting back tears? SSG, I think you're allowing yourself to feel these emotions today as your personal insurance policy against feeling them tomorrow. Just something to consider. Carrot
ianandris Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 There's nothing new to add, no new epiphanies or discoveries to be made. That, btw, is false. Usually when we find ourselves recycling thoughts, it's because we're doing the same things in our daily lives over and over and over again. Motion creates emotion. If you want to come to new conclusions, go out and do something entirely different from what you're used to. Break your routine. Take a few days and totally chop your schedule up entirely, then go hiking or something so you have time to think about things in a different enviornment. Try asking different questions, too.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Thanks, everyone. Really. I am, right this very second, doing okay. Drinking a glass of wine. Just made my first batch of homemade guacamole. If I do say so, it turned out better than what the ex used to make. Ha. Made plans for climbing tomorrow and dinner Fri with friends. Had my first singing lesson today (it was great! but now I have a froggy voice b/c I'm getting a cold). I am trying to ask different questions: namely, I have this whole thing going in therapy about how my choices in men reflect my relationship with my parents. My dad and I are making explicit efforts to spend more time talking and getting to know each other (we've never been very close). I can see patterns in who I've been attracted to my whole life based on my dad's emotional distance/unavailability. So all of that stuff is being examined and processed as I go along. But damn it all, I still get stuck. I still miss his companionship. I miss his "himness". Maybe I'm not digging deep enough to separate out that it's the companionship but not HIM that I miss. (Which is one friend's theory). Or I'm not recalling back to the fact that things felt...distant...even when I was with him, even when we were cooking together or whatever. Maybe I'm going to feel all this nostalgic longing for him, and for his body, until I meet someone else that I'm attracted to. Part of me thinks I'm still hooked because of the sex, the chemistry. I'd never had sex before him, and it's entirely possible that that is what gets me most stuck. I don't know. Now it's probably the wine talking.
ianandris Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Maybe I'm going to feel all this nostalgic longing for him, and for his body, until I meet someone else that I'm attracted to. Part of me thinks I'm still hooked because of the sex, the chemistry. I'd never had sex before him, and it's entirely possible that that is what gets me most stuck. I don't know. Actually, there's a lot of truth in that. To quote from a site I stumbled across: "Oxytocin, sometimes known as 'the cuddle chemical', helps bond the relationship. According to researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, this hormone has been shown to be "associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people". When it is released during orgasm, it creates an emotional bond - the more sex, the greater the bond. Oxytocin is also associated with mother/infant bonding, uterine contractions during labour in childbirth and the 'letdown' reflex necessary for breastfeeding." Maybe the abstinence peoples were onto something, no? Worth thinking about...
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 I was in 'breakup analysis' mode last night and was trying to glean clues about E. from reading his Myers Briggs personality profile. Along the way, I found some links between his myers-briggs type to schizoid personality disorder. When I read the wiki entry on schizoid PD, I snapped to attention, as I was surprised to see that E. fits most of the criteria, most notably: introversion, withdrawnness, narcissism, self-sufficiency, sense of superiority, and loss of affect. I'm not saying he IS a schizoid. But I slept better last night than I have in weeks, maybe because I definitely see a tendency toward schizoid-ism and if so, it really really means it wasn't me. I loved a schizoid-ish man - someone totally incapable of having a loving, reciprocal relationship with me...with anyone. Even better, this means he won't be able to do so with the hooch, either!! So I can stop comparing myself to her and wondering if she's going to be able to "unlock" him or bring out his loving, caring, generous side. The quote below was an especially apt description of E when it came to our relationship. Those people who have SPD are happiest when they are in a relationship in which the partner places few emotional or intimate demands on them, as it is not people as such that they want to avoid, but both negative and positive emotions, emotional intimacy, and self disclosure.[15] This means that it is possible for schizoid individuals to form relationships with others based on intellectual, physical, familial, occupational, or recreational activities as long as these modes of relating do not require or force the need for emotional intimacy, which latter mandate the individual will reject. Object Relations writer Donald Winnicott sums up the schizoid need to modulate emotional interaction with others by his comment that schizoid individuals "prefer to make relationships on their own terms and not in terms of the impulses of other people,"[16] and that if they cannot do that they will prefer isolation. People with SPD are seen as aloof, cold and indifferent, which causes some social problems. Most individuals diagnosed with SPD have difficulty establishing personal relationships or expressing their feelings in a meaningful way, and may remain passive in the face of unfavourable situations. Their communication with other people at times may be indifferent and concise.
northstar1 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I've hit a point where I'm just repeating stuff now (has anyone noticed?). There's nothing new to add, no new epiphanies or discoveries to be made. I'm recycling. I get stuck in the same loops. And then I break out of the loops for a little while, and then the bad loops overtake me again. And some very kind, patient people on LS are still responding to me, still supporting and encouraging me, and I am sooo thankful. I don't feel like I can blab on about this with my real life friends and family anymore. They have been wonderful, but even I know there comes a saturation point, and that I need to be a friend and family member back to them. None of them were enamored with Eric; to them it is certainly just a matter of time before I 'get it' too. Maybe today is just a bad day, I don't know. But it's hit me harder today than it has in awhile. I spent half a second thinking about contacting him--don't worry, I won't, I'm not stupid. I'm doing the right things - eating right, exercising, I have my first voice lesson tonight. I just don't know how to handle these mental/emotional demons without getting constant affirmation of all the many truths people have offered me in the last 6 weeks. I feel pathetic. Why aren't I over him yet??? Why am I still fighting back tears? I am right there with you. I have bored most of my friends to tears with my story and asking their opinion. They have given their opinions, but really they can only offer so much advice. eventually you have to do what is right for you. Im still struggling, since my situation is completely out of my hands, there is nothing I can do to alter things. Yet for some reason, I cannot fully let go.
roghornio Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I am right there with you. I have bored most of my friends to tears with my story and asking their opinion. They have given their opinions, but really they can only offer so much advice. eventually you have to do what is right for you. Im still struggling, since my situation is completely out of my hands, there is nothing I can do to alter things. Yet for some reason, I cannot fully let go. Read this from another forum... The physical heart is a magnificant thing. The work it does is simply amazing yet we only understand how the physical heart works, not the emotional heart. Can you remember the first time you realized you were in love? Do you remember how your heart felt? I can almost bet you couldn't stop smiling. The fluttering of your stomach and the "world is beautiful" feeling you had was only the beginninng stages; but it was yours and you could "feel" it. Think back to all the hours on the phone or waiting for an email just to say hello. All the text messages or the times you couldn;t wait to see, kiss and hold your lover. The hours spent getting ready and listening to love songs. The world had new meaning. The smile on your face couldn't get any bigger if you stretched your lips over your head. Your friends would be jealous when you spoke of your lover. The expression "you are so lucky" comes to mind yet in all realization, it not luck at all. "Does he/she have a friend?" As if the mere feeling of being in love would rub off and infect those around you like poison ivy. Love in the purest form is nothing more than magical. The day dreams, the thoughts, the gifts, the flowers, the kisses and most of all the "I love you's"....Life is finally good and I have met the man/ woman of my dreams. I don;t have to look any further because they love me and that is the way it will always be. Time presses on....the phone calls start to drop off. The time seeing one another starts to become more and more distant. The dreaded phrase "Tonight, I am just going out with my friends" starts to surface more and more. The time to return phone calls begin to not be 5 minutes but sometimes hours at a time. Where are they? Why don't they call? Plans being to be broken and excuses start to show their ugly face. The worst is yet to come. The green face monster begins knocking on your heart and your mind starts to visualize images it hoped it never saw.... jealousy. What if they are seeing someone else? You plan a date with your partner and they begin to check their phone over and over again. "Who are you texting?". Just a friend they say. Your mind says to keep it cool yet your mind is looking for a reason WHY they would be texting while you were only one foot away. Finally, you have had enough. The blaming starts, the fights begin to rage out of control and resentment of things in the past drive a wedge between you both....nothing can separate the hard feelings you harbor but distance. "IT'S OVER!!!" You scream!! "WE ARE THROUGH!!!!" "FINE!! I was going to break up with you ANYWAY!!" The car stops....the door opens and is slammed shut as you speed away.... alone. We have all been there. The scene above is just that; a scene. No matter how your break up occurred, it was still a break up. You don't feel any better about it than someone who broke up diferently. We all hurt. It's funny, the very thing we love with the most, is what feels so much pain. The tighness in our chest makes it hard to breathe. Panick starts to set in when you realize what just happened. Like a crime, the bystanders say "I don't kow really what happened...it happened so fast?" You try to reason with yourself and say "I will call tomorrow and apologize." It will be ok. Tomorrow comes and the phone doesn't ring and nor is it answered. Your heart not only hurts, it aches. Is it really over? Are they really that shallow to throw me away? Oh Gawd! What have I done!!! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME!!! I LOVE HIM/HER!! OH GAWD...PLEAE OH PLEASE BRING THEM BACK.....!!! The tears not only fall....they don't stop. The love that you thought was yours forever...is 100% gone. Time passes and you still find it hard to get out of bed. It's been weeks. Weeks turn into months. "I hope they call" you say to yoruself yet another day goes by and the phone is silent. When it does ring, you panick. Your heart begins to beat out of your chest yet when you pick up the phone....it's never who you want it to be. Letting go is the biggest step in moving on. Sadly, it sometimes takes a while to realize that your pratener has moved on. You may sit and try to convince yourself that they are still wanting you but 100% of the time: "Actions speak louder than words" I remember years ago, I had a friend of mine that was convinced her old partner was coming back. He met someone new and two years later was getting married. She said, "He will never do it." He was married two months later and she then said "It won't last." Where is the level of self-respect? Where is the voice of reason? When do we tell ourselves ....enough is enough?!?! In my 36 years, what I have learned is simple. I want you to put this in your head forever and never let go of it. I think it might save you alot more heartache and it has never treated me wrong. It has never failed. **Remember** If someone says they love you, yet doesn't consitently demonstrate it to you....they don't love you the way you WANT/NEED to be loved. You are no one's PLAN B or C. There is no excuse for not being TOP CHOICE. Those who say one thing and do another are not being loving and if they expect you to love them back 100% they are only fooling themselves. There are 2 types of poeple. 1. Givers 2. Takers. The roles can be switched in a healthy relationship but in an unhealth one, they stay the same. A giver (lilke myself) will give an dgive and give and give....and the taker will do exactly that (TAKE). until the giver realizes that no matter HOW MUCH I GIVE..IT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH....nor how much I "love them and what them to love me....It will ALSO sadly NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. We all need boundries. We have to convince ourselves THIS is all I can take and if it happens again. I am finsihed. Not only do we have to convince outselves, we have to demonstrate it. To follow through not only gains respect, it will also be considered a loving act no matter WHAT your ex says. You broke up because it was not getting any better. You gave them several chances and they failed you everytime. "BUT THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT!!!" No....IT WON'T! Talk is cheap. Think of it this way: Would you rather have someone tell you "If I had a million dollars, I would give it to you" or Opening your hand and GIVING YOU one million dollars. Now ask yourself WHY? I can tell you that one is REAL and one is WORDS. Do you want to BE loved....or told that you are loved? Ah, there is the rub! Learning to let go means to think about your relationship and analyzing all the ACTION involved instead of the words. No one says you have to let go of love. All you have to do is love them enough to let go of the notion that they are who they are. If someone is all talk, them love them enough to put them back on the market and have more self-respect for yourself that you don't want a talker. Ladies and gentlemen, We have often said, "they will never find anyone like me"... Who are you fooling? Why on earth would they want someone just like you when they already left you? If you have a food that you don't like eatting and you eat it over and over again....are you going to like it any better JUST because you eat it again and again? No.. Quit holding on to what you HOPED it would be or COULD be....it takes two. If one doesn't want the other...it will never work. Learn to dwell in the present; Not the past or what the furture could hold. Leaning to let go starts with you and focusing on what you want AND DESERVE. The more you try to put something into nothing.....the only thing you will have in the end... is nothing. -Your Friend, SuperDave71
Nevermind Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 That's a good read...I will certainly think about it.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Thanks roghorn. I'll have to read it in more depth. I am in the doldroms today. Partly because I have a chest cold and stayed home from work today b/c I'm tired and lost my voice. More because of having stumbled across the 'schizoid' thing that I posted about earlier, and it really fits my ex. And it really bugs me that it fits: it collapses my ex into even more of a two-dimensional figure than I thought or ever wanted him to be. It makes me so sad for him. It restores more of my self-confidence that I am a luminous gal after all, and that I didn't drive him away somehow... but it bothers me and I can't quite pin down why it bothers me so much. I know it's armchair psychology and I can't really know what's going on for him. But damn, the cluster of criteria are so, sooo spot on. Anyhow, any ideas on why this bothers/depresses me so much?
kizik Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 Ladies and gentlemen, We have often said, "they will never find anyone like me"... Who are you fooling? Why on earth would they want someone just like you when they already left you? If you have a food that you don't like eatting and you eat it over and over again....are you going to like it any better JUST because you eat it again and again? I like this post a lot, but the part I quoted I think is a bit off-base. I agree that our exes will find someone quite different from us, because they're no longer into the "us". But when we say they'll never find someone like us again, what we mean is that the level of caring, kindness and support, as well as intelligence and integrity, are rare qualities to find all in one person. So, the chances are that the next dude or chick they end up with will not possess all of these qualities and the ex may (or may not) realize that though the grass looked greener, it's just new grass. And the new grass ended up being Astroturf - attractive and different, exciting, but ultimately devoid of inherent nature and goodness. "They won't find someone like us again..." I do believe this. And I don't care if it sounds pathetic; it's true.
PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 And the new grass ended up being Astroturf - attractive and different, exciting, but ultimately devoid of inherent nature and goodness. "They won't find someone like us again..." I love, love, love this! Mine has found astroturf ... it maybe greener, but it is all fake!
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Craaaaapppppp, I hate the downs. It definitely sucks being sick because I don't have enough ways to keep my mind occupied (I'm home from work today). I feel anxious, like chew my fingernails off anxious. Crap. Why? It makes no sense. I should be settling into acceptance that my ex has a lot of problems, that he was a poor partner for me. Finding out the schizoid stuff should have put my mind at ease. Instead it has had the opposite effect - I'm more agitated now than I've been in days. I want to talk to his best friend/my friend about it tonight (going to their place for dinner) but then again, I DON'T...and probably won't. They must be thinking it's about time I get over him. My girlfriend never especially liked him, and never liked him for me. So I'm sure for her she's thinking there's nothing to get over, and nothing more to process. He was a dick to his wife, according to her, and according to his best friend, has always been uncommunicative and was never a good match for me. So what is my problem? Maybe I should start drinking to take the edge off. (I won't... but this anxiety is killing me.)
ianandris Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 One word: Nyquil. I pound that stuff when I get sick. Spare time plus sickness plus heartbreak equals one unhappy, anxious girl. I'm not advocating escaping from your problems, just putting them off a bit until it makes sense to deal with them. Seriously, though, you should just try to rest up and feel better. It's not particularly easy to feel pleasant and chipper while sick when you're going through an awesome period in your life, let alone when you're dealing with a break up. Focus on feeling better, babying yourself, and you'll feel better. Take a nice bath, put on some peaceful music, and soak for a while. Or cuddle up on the couch with a big comforter, put on a movie, have some chicken noodle soup or something, and just vegetate. Lie on the floor in the sun. Whatever it is you like to do. I don't think you have a problem. You're in a place you don't want to be, is all, and that makes it easy to be anxious.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Thank you. It feels like the calendar has rolled back a month or so, to when things were really really bad and I could barely get out of bed. I'll take it easy this weekend, but definitely want to get out of the house tonight so will hang out on friend's couch watching movies instead of being alone. I might have to just show up at their place "as is" emotionally (I don't know if I can pull off brave, chipper front tonight) and hope that they can deal with me. Thanks again, though. It helps to hear that I'm not crazy or have some nutty problem. I must be underestimating how much being sick is affecting me.
flosslight Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I think I am finally moving from that state but I had nothing more to say but still felt messed up for a long time. I had so so many ephanies that I had actually already had. I know I bored my friends and family. It was nice though because I learned the limits of my family and friends. I loved my friends who supported me during this time. I would be lamenting the fact that I was STILL talking about it, when a good friend would just look at me and say "It is okay. It was a huge part of your life and we are here for you as long as you need". I also learned the friends who could hear about it for a tiny bit but not for long. It made me sad to learn they were not as great as I thought but I learned others were even better than I expected. I went through a period were I thought I was over it for two months but really I was just very anger and not talking about it. Then it came out again. I found what made it better for me was to just say "It is okay" It is okay for me to feel this way and it will get better. I also listen to "My humps" by the Black Eyed Peas when I'm upset because I found it impossible to cry for long when listening to that ridiculous song.
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