kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I'm gonna burn everything. 10 years of love letters. Poems, notes. Photographs. I'm going to cleanse my space of her. It will do two things: -eliminate reminders of her -get rid of all hope of her coming back I think you keep the things, in a way, for fear that when they come back, you don't look like an as*hole for trashing mementos of them. Well, I don't care. I'm not the as*hole, she is a bona fide bitch and I am really starting to hate her. I just want to erase the last 10 years of off-an-on dating with this self-absorbed wh*re. If y'all have opinions on the Burnfest, let me know.
ioncebelieved Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 NOT YET!!!! Just wait until you are in a better frame of mind. Then do what you must.
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 An idea, perhaps. Put all that stuff in boxes and take it to a relative or friends house. Have them stash it away in an attic or something and then forget about it. One day, when it's the farthest thing from your mind, someone will come across those old notes and pictures, and you'll be able to look back fondly at a snapshot of your journey through life.
porter218 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Excellent idea. I have done that after my more painful breakups. I take a large fire proof planter and throw absolutely everything from the relationship in there and set it ablaze and happily watch it burn will I sip my wine and celebrate a new beginning.
Author kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Yeah, motive, I know. I'll be able to look back on them fondly... what's the goddamn point? I don't need mementos. I don't need to hang onto the past, even when I'm over it. I wanna burn this girl out of my mind. I've been tearing her pictures and notes up already, and it feels good. So, why keep these things. Is there a point, at all?
porter218 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Totally do it. If you are done with her it will feel good. After I did it I felt like a new person and I could let go of my anger, and I never looked back again.
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 For better or worse it's a part of your life. I have pictures of old girlfriends in a box somewhere.. even ones that broke my heart... but it's part of my life, and I don't think I would destroy those things. They don't hurt me anymore anyway. Well the recent one does, but I've got those pics stashed away. I know I'll regret it if I throw out everything. I don't need a ritual to move me forward. I understand the symbolism, but I don't think it's necessary. Time is already starting to do it's thing. I'm feeling less pain.... You will too.
sailing Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 A lot of people advocate rituals like this, and I'm sure it is cathartic, but I think I would just feel a bit deranged, muttering over embers.
Author kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 So if they're stashed away, instead of burnt, what the h*ll is the difference? To me it's not about symbolism, it's about knowing those things aren't in my closet anymore. Porter, I like the way you think.
ioncebelieved Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 For better or worse it's a part of your life. I have pictures of old girlfriends in a box somewhere.. even ones that broke my heart... but it's part of my life, and I don't think I would destroy those things. They don't hurt me anymore anyway. Well the recent one does, but I've got those pics stashed away. I know I'll regret it if I throw out everything. I don't need a ritual to move me forward. I understand the symbolism, but I don't think it's necessary. Time is already starting to do it's thing. I'm feeling less pain.... You will too. My sentiments exactly. I have a box as well, and it does not phase me to look through it anymore. You want that as a reminder of something you got over and finally conquered it after it had you for so very long.
ioncebelieved Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 So if they're stashed away, instead of burnt, what the h*ll is the difference? To me it's not about symbolism, it's about knowing those things aren't in my closet anymore. Porter, I like the way you think. The symbolism is YOU BEAT IT, MY MAN!!! You finally beat it! I could never trash my stuff from her. I want it as a reminder I beat it! Because right now it is kicking my a$$ still and she is winning in NC!!! I sent her an email today. But it was not too sappy.
Art_Critic Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If y'all have opinions on the Burnfest, let me know. Use lighter Fluid..... Unless you have children then a cleansing can very well be what the Dr ordered... Now if you have children then that stuff should be kept in boxes for them...
Art_Critic Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 For better or worse it's a part of your life. I have pictures of old girlfriends in a box somewhere.. even ones that broke my heart... but it's part of my life, and I don't think I would destroy those things. They don't hurt me anymore anyway. Well the recent one does, but I've got those pics stashed away. I know I'll regret it if I throw out everything. I don't need a ritual to move me forward. I understand the symbolism, but I don't think it's necessary. Time is already starting to do it's thing. I'm feeling less pain.... You will too. I've done both.. I've kept photos and I've burned.. it is all what the heart feels that matters.. You have to do whatever it takes to move on...
Author kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Thanks for everyone's replies. I'm going to self- threadjack right now, b/c I am mired with regret. Here's what I'm feeling: that I was a huge wuss in my R, and had a big hand in its demise b/c I didn't stand up for myself. CaliGuy advocates this book No More Mr. Nice Guy a lot. I read a review of it: Many nice guys did not have their needs met as boys. As a coping mechanism to try to get their needs met, they try to be nice. Later in life, Nice Guys apply the skills learned as a boy in dealing with women - by being nice - it does not work. When being nice does not work, the Nice Guys try to be even nicer. Men need to set healthy boundaries in relationships with women. Avoiding conflicts in relationships is problematic - Women do not feel safe with a man they know they can push around. A woman wants to know you will stand up to her. That is how she will feel secure in the relationship. There is a catch - she has to test to see if she can trust you. When you set a boundary, she may strongly test and push against the boundary. She will tell you that you are wrong for having the boundary and do her best to find out if the boundary is for real. Generally, when women feel secure, they feel loved. When a man stands up to a woman, she believes he will likely stand up for her. Setting boundaries creates respect and makes women feel secure and feel loved. * I should have stood up to her. She lost respect for me b/c I constantly took her SH*T. I'm so pissed at myself for not being a man.
Nevermind Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I did throw everything away. Some pictures are still on cd's but everything that was on the hard-drive is gone forever. Some happy days are now as if they had never been. I am not sad that I did it, but I know that it would have been better to keep it and decide upon it with a calmer mind. Don't burn it. Put it in a basket and store it somewhere else. One day, you might want to look at it again. If only to see the way you've travelled to become who you will be. Funny, that I do not miss any of the presents he gave me. Nearly none of them had anything to do with the person I was. They were random. The thing I miss most is a pair of socks, that was a joke...but they were warm and cozy. Strange..
ioncebelieved Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I still would wait until you know for sure. Maybe like when you have a new love. Do want you want. I am getting that book because I keep hearing about it.
porter218 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 The symbolism is YOU BEAT IT, MY MAN!!! You finally beat it! I could never trash my stuff from her. I want it as a reminder I beat it! Because right now it is kicking my a$$ still and she is winning in NC!!! I sent her an email today. But it was not too sappy. My point proven....you Haven't beat it!! If you have beat it then you wouldn't hesitate at getting rid of useless mementos. This **** is your past..not your present or your future. What the hell do you still need it for? Like Art Critic said if there are no children with this woman then burn it. In truth how much do you think your next gf or future wife is going to like you holding on to old crap from a woman before her?? I wouldn't like it at all...so move on.
sunshinegirl Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I don't really think it matters. For me the biggest keepsakes were emails and photos. So with several exes I buried all the emails deep in my computer, not easily retrievable. But then my laptops were stolen, so now I literally have no record of those past relationships. Does it bother me? No. I don't need to look through that stuff. I think with my first ex I had a box of gifts and cards he had given me. Now I've either lost the box or it's gotten water damaged, or maybe I threw the stuff out eventually. I just don't think it's a huge deal either way if kizik burns the stuff or saves it. How many people really make a point of going through those mementos later in life anyway?
Nevermind Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I agree: do not hold on to the woman, but do not get rid of an entire chapter of your life because of her. That's also dependence. During these years you had memories, right? They made you become the person you are, and destroying a large part of your past might turn out to be a bad decision. I did, and I don't know if I will regret it once. But with the pain...it didn't help me much. I missed him, not his reminders.
Author kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Everyone here is going to think I'm crazy or schizo, b/c I'm going to respond to myself. Tell myself what I need to hear. Kizik: So you let this girl beat up on you emotionally. You didn't give her the boundaries you both needed. Well, she wouldn't NEED the boundaries if she treated you respectfully in the FIRST place. You took her sh*t out of fear. You loved her, and you didn't want to lose her. You took her sh*t b/c staying in the R was more important to you than having self-respect- WITH or WITHOUT her. You learned. You will not make the same mistake next time. And you are showing her that you are strong NOW, by not contacting her. You sent her that email and said you "wish her the best." That was the old you. You don't care about her anymore. The email was a slip-up, not a big one, but it gave her confidence and ego. F*ck her. She doesn't deserve an ounce of attention from you. She will go on to hurt others, but not you, my friend.
blind_otter Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I'm gonna burn everything. 10 years of love letters. Poems, notes. Photographs. I'm going to cleanse my space of her. It will do two things: -eliminate reminders of her -get rid of all hope of her coming back I think you keep the things, in a way, for fear that when they come back, you don't look like an as*hole for trashing mementos of them. Well, I don't care. I'm not the as*hole, she is a bona fide bitch and I am really starting to hate her. I just want to erase the last 10 years of off-an-on dating with this self-absorbed wh*re. If y'all have opinions on the Burnfest, let me know. I think it's a great idea. Just don't go out into the woods to do it. Some chick did that some years ago and started a massive forest fire. Safety first and only you can prevent forest fires and all that jazz. I held onto my wedding album for years after I split with my exH. I told myself, I like the pictures and I look great in them - I was barely 21 at the time. I also kept our honeymoon pictures. At some point, though, I realized that there was no need to hold on to those memories. I threw everything away and I feel lighter for doing so.
Author kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Sorry to mix two threads into one here. Based upon advice, I think I WILL burn everything. Anyone have opinions about the whole "wuss" factor I've inconveniently mashed into this thread as well?
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Safety first lol, yeah if you go on a memory-destroying, sentimental riddance thing, be sure to wear the appropriate flame retardant gear and have a fire extinguisher handy. Seriously though, if you do this, you'll look back and discover that she still had control. The fact that you want so badly to erase her from your life says that you still pine for her, even though your logical brain can't stand her anymore. Wait until indifference sets in. You are holding onto hate right now, and probably will for a while. I don't hate any of my old exes. They made a decision that was, what they thought the best one at that time. I still hate my current ex, but that too shall pass, and if I destroy all the memories I know I'll regret it down the road. Just put them away for a while. My opinion of course. You can always give the stuff over to me. I live fairly close haha.
Author kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Dude, let's hang out sometime. Seriously. I'll drive to Salem, or you can come up to P-Town. I could use any friend I can get.
CailinPig Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Kizik, you should do what you think is best. My personal opinion is that every experience, good and bad, build your character into what it is. Every experience is important. I would never burn things like that. Not love letters or photos. I would burn presents or throw them out perhaps, but soemone's words and feelings are important. Often if I have a down day and think I'll never find someone else, I look at how my ex appreciated me through cards and letters and emails. It picks me up. If he loved me, I can be loved again.
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