Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Deep, and I mean very deep down, yes I feel "bad" that I don't have a nice of a trophy to show off as other people do, and I feel I should be lonely and die alone the rest of my life for having such a thought. I guess really the only thing is her weight around the tummy and we'ved talk openly and very successfully about helping each other loose weight for health reasons several times. She stated that she fell in love with my body in my earlier chubbier form, so now that i've lost weight and tried to keep swimming, shes even more aroused thinking about me out in the field. He'll she constantly tells me shes "wet" in the morning in the company rig thinking about me. I guess my mind is so filled with "perfect" woman images that its hard for me to stop comparing in naked form from her to them. Sometimes were so in love, its not an issue and we have awesome sex. Other times, my mind simply doesn't know what it wants, and my sex drive suffers, and then I feel bad for not keeping it up. My mind for me is my own worst enemy. Thanks for the very honest post! I don't think you are evil for what you are thinking at all. I think it is ok to want to be with someone you feel proud of when you walk down the street with them. Having said that, a person that makes you feel proud solely on her virtues of attractiveness in body parts is prob not the kind of person that can sustain long term attention from you but you should not take my or anyone's word for that, you should experience that an find out if that is true, on your own. Perhaps there is a better person that is better matched for you in terms of what she looks like physically and how well you connect and it if you have a hunch this could be true then why not go out there and try to find her? The obvious is that you would risk losing something good and possibly end up with something not as good long term, but you could also find someone better all around? Now if this girl had a flat stomach like the women you are used to seeing in the images that turn you on, would this make her your perfect mate?
backto1 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Icewind, I went through the EXACT same feelings you did after I was with my ex-girlfriend after EXACTLY 2.5 years. I started wondering what else was out there, looking at all these hot girls and all that stuff. Well, I stuck with her because I loved her very much but I slowly lost all of my love for her and put her through a lot of emotional pain and suffering and feelings of rejection. After over 4 years of being together, SHE finally left ME because I wasn't giving her what I needed. This happened about a month ago and it broke my ****ing heart so bad. I am seriously depressed and I feel like I'll never find another girl again. At the same time, our relationship had become very boring / routine. We broke up once earlier in the year for a couple of weeks but she finally came back to me and I was happy again for about a month. Then we went right back into the same cycle and we both became sad. I tried to keep her happy after that but I can now tell that she just wasn't into me any more. She warned me many times that my lack of affection would maker her lose her feelings for me but I didn't do anything to change it. I wish I could go back in time and make it work. We had some other issues too but I think they could have been overcome had I been there for her like she was for me. I now realize that I didn't deserve her and she deserved someone who would love her equally. And my girlfriend was hot as hell too.... What should I have done? I should have broken up with her 2 years ago. I tried a couple times but it broke her heart so bad and I felt so sad that I took her back. Plus, going out with the friends and seeing all those hot girls out there feels WAY different when you don't have someone special waiting for you at home. It all feels so cold and pointless. Good luck, you're in for a long ***ing ride. If you can't rekindle the excitement and get those sexual feelings for her, save her the pain and end it sooner rather than later. You'll feel like crap but at least you won't feel guilty and have wasted another 2 years of her life like I did with mine. There's no easy way out of this.
hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If love is blind then why did they invent lingerie? Sorry couldn't resist... HAHA that is too funny
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I am actually having a lot of concerns and am considering breaking up with my boyfriend over this same problem. I'm not bad looking, but he is very attractive and I'm sure he's aware that he could have a more attractive girlfriend than me. His last girlfriend was very attractive, but he tells me their chemistry was weak, the sex was mediocre, and there was no intellectual connection. We have a great connection on many levels and great sex, but overall I do not feel that appreciated. I am starting to think I would rather be with a less physically attractive guy who is really into me and treats me great. I have had very attractive boyfriends and less stereotypically attractive boyfriends, and I always felt better with the latter, who treated me like a real catch. In fact, in those relationships, I think that because I felt more secure, I took better care of myself overall and really did look better, too. Now, I sometimes feel like no matter what I do, I can't keep up or compete, so it's disheartening. I have never cared much about looks, and while it's nice in some ways to have such a supercute boyfriend, it's not really worth the weirdness. I don't think this is the kind of thing you can sweep under the rug. I think it's hard enough to make a relationship work even with someone you think is really a great match for you -- throw in this stuff and you make it really tough. And I think holding onto her when you don't have the motivation to treat her well is doing her a disservice. It might be better to let her be with someone who really treasures her and makes her feel loved the way she deserves to be.
hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I dunno, I sense that even I found a Eva Mendes or Kathy Ireland, i'll eventually get bored with her looks and start all over again. Then why do you let it bother you if this is how you feel? I agree with the other posters, This kind of thing hurts my heart. You got with her because you were emotionally and sexually starved yet had never had sex before? Which I also understand why you are curious about others (if this is all you have known sexually) but there is no reason to drag this relationship on if you are going to continue doubting whether or not you want to be with her or is there something "better" out there for you. Have you ALWAYS felt this way about her, or is it just since she has been away?
stillafool Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Wow, I hope you don't end of hurting this lady. I think you are in love with her as a person. Maybe you just love her and aren't in love with her. Something is off. If you were in love with her it wouldn't matter about her body (or whatever you don't find attractive) you would still want her sexually, especially at this stage. I certainly wouldn't recommend marriage because if you think you don't want to have sex with her now what will it be like when everyday married life kicks in?
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I don't think this is the kind of thing you can sweep under the rug. I think it's hard enough to make a relationship work even with someone you think is really a great match for you -- throw in this stuff and you make it really tough. And I think holding onto her when you don't have the motivation to treat her well is doing her a disservice. It might be better to let her be with someone who really treasures her and makes her feel loved the way she deserves to be. Well, thats not it at all. I have and never had a problem showering her with affection, love and devotion, thats never happened and she can attest that she is still amazed that I didn't give up on her during her rough times or when she has her "Whiny bitch" moments. But then like I saw now, I saw a beautiful diamond in the rough and I wanted to peel back the layers of neglect, unloved and unappreciated that she has gone through all these years. She's an incredible woman. She put herself through college as a native american woman, with a masters in anthropology all the while living with a Bi-polar mom and a alchoholic dad. I"ve never meet such a strong willed and intelligent woman as her, shes been through so much and I feel its an honor to treat and spoil her like a queen that I know she is.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Have you ALWAYS felt this way about her, or is it just since she has been away? Its been like this for awhile now, dunno when it started.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 But then like I saw now, I saw a beautiful diamond in the rough and I wanted to peel back the layers of neglect, unloved and unappreciated that she has gone through all these years. She's an incredible woman. She put herself through college as a native american woman, with a masters in anthropology all the while living with a Bi-polar mom and a alchoholic dad. I"ve never meet such a strong willed and intelligent woman as her, shes been through so much and I feel its an honor to treat and spoil her like a queen that I know she is. I guess you just have to decide where your priorities lie. I don't believe anyone ever finds a "perfect" partner, but I do believe it's crucial to maintain a certain level of intellectual, emotional, and physical connection and attraction. For myself, I like to keep all that at around 80% or better. What it really comes down to is this: Does she meet your bottom line regarding physical connection and attraction? If she doesn't, none of that other stuff is going to override it.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 What it really comes down to is this: Does she meet your bottom line regarding physical connection and attraction? If she doesn't, none of that other stuff is going to override it. Neither, shes in between.
hotpinklove85 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Neither, shes in between. well then you need to stop pretending that you have everything else that you do, because if you did, and she really meant as much to you as you say she does, her physically flaws would seem minor. I dont mean to come off rude I just feel really bad for her, because if you have not expressed your feelings to her, then she probably thinks that everything is okay. And that is what you are leading her to believe. It its her weight then why dont you incourage her to go to the gym with you, go on walks, swim or just be active and eat healthy? I am in no way asking you trying to form her into something that you think she should be, but there is nothing wrong with being healthy.
Tomcat33 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Neither, shes in between. Maybe the weight thing is just a scapegoat keeping you from fully commiting to her? If everything else is great then it may be you've reached that point in the relationship where you are thinking is this it and will I be with this woman for the rest of my life? Maybe this scares you to think you won't be with anyone else? You said you have improved your physical appearance and lost some weight yourself, it could just be your need to prove to yourself you still "got it?" before you go ahead and fully comit to her?
SwampStud Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 love has no eyes, when you truely love someone, you dont see what they look like. YOu see what they are inside and out. It is human nature to look at beautiful things be it a person/place or thing. But there is no comapirisons with love. Again, love is blind, if you truely love this woman there are no doubts, no second guesses....period. You need to figure out what true love is, cause when you find it, nothing else matters. If love is blind, how come only fat women find me worthy of dating?
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 If love is blind, how come only fat women find me worthy of dating? lol.... finally a little humor. She's an incredible woman. She put herself through college as a native american woman, with a masters in anthropology all the while living with a Bi-polar mom and a alchoholic dad. I"ve never meet such a strong willed and intelligent woman as her, shes been through so much and I feel its an honor to treat and spoil her like a queen that I know she is. Dude you have issues. Looks fade, a partner in life doesn't. Take my advise and ask yourself this... 1) is she giving 2) is she flexible 3) does she have integrity... honesty,trust,loyalty 4) does she nag or complain If you answered yes to all but 4 then she's a keeper. From what you've said it sounds like you're gonna blow this. If you're still attracted to her then go show her. We all want a trophy but let me tell you, those trophy type really won't tollerate a guy like you unless you are millions. They like decisive confident and disconnected guys. You might do a little better for dating and fun but that's short lived. Let me tell you like it is... if you don't do right by her you need a good *ss kicking. Fight the urge to be a total jerk and realize you aren't going to do better for marriage. BTW, I say all this cuz I love ya
Krytie TV Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I've been in my first real deep relationship with a girl for 2.5 years now and it’s been quit a journey. This is why you feel like there might be something better. You haven't had enough experience with really good and really bad long-term relationships to ground yourself in what you truly want from one. I honestly think that if you're feeling this way, you need to explore it. It won't go away until you do. You may find you made a big mistake, and you may not, but even those mistakes can be very beneficial in your long-term happiness.
Trialbyfire Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 This is why you feel like there might be something better. You haven't had enough experience with really good and really bad long-term relationships to ground yourself in what you truly want from one. I honestly think that if you're feeling this way, you need to explore it. It won't go away until you do. You may find you made a big mistake, and you may not, but even those mistakes can be very beneficial in your long-term happiness. I agree with this but I will state that he'll regret this loss, big time! He's currently got a relationship where it's firing on an emotional, intellectual and a partially physical level. His concerns are strictly shallow. She deserves better.
Shygirl15 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 It its her weight then why dont you incourage her to go to the gym with you, go on walks, swim or just be active and eat healthy? I am in no way asking you trying to form her into something that you think she should be, but there is nothing wrong with being healthy. I think maybe he's just no longer attracted to her, which is not good, but understandable.
Shygirl15 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I honestly think that if you're feeling this way, you need to explore it. It won't go away until you do. You may find you made a big mistake, and you may not, but even those mistakes can be very beneficial in your long-term happiness. Very true.
stillafool Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 She's an incredible woman. She put herself through college as a native american woman, with a masters in anthropology all the while living with a Bi-polar mom and a alchoholic dad. I"ve never meet such a strong willed and intelligent woman as her, shes been through so much and I feel its an honor to treat and spoil her like a queen that I know she is. Are you sure you aren't just in love with her credentials? If you are in love with this lady it wouldn't matter about her weight you would still desire her. I've seen so many brides and grooms (that I didn't view as very attractive at all) talk about how beautiful or handsome their mates are and I swear I just couldn't see it. So love is truly blind to those things unless her appearance has changed drastically since you met her. If she was a little over weight when you met her why didn't it bother you then? I think the other poster was right who said you need to get it out of your system (dating a really good looking woman). Please break up with your gf first if you do. She doesn't deserve to be hurt.
elaina Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Hi IceWind, This thread is very sad. It is important that you decide quickly what you want to do, cause you are hurting her even if she doesn't know it if this is how you feel, cause you aren't being honest with her like you say, and I don't think you really love her either, like you say. The reason I don't think you truly love her is cause true love is a decision and a commitment. In life you will have temptations and if you get married to whoever, it won't be surprising if you at least once are tempted to go to "greener pastures" but true love means that you decide even when you don't feel like it, to put the other person before yourself... to be faithful to your wife even when she is not your ideal and to put her needs and wants before your own. When both people in a marriage put the other person's needs and wants before their own, then ideally both people benefit from the other's love. If you are thinking that you could do "better" it seems to me you don't love her, cause you are not thinking about her, but about you. I know you're not married to her, but the longer you date, the more people get attached to each other, whether in a good way or bad way. It is silly and unrealistic to expect any person to make one happy. That comes from inside of you whether you'll be happy or not, NOT the person you are with! I agree with Shygirl15 in this quote... "Originally Posted by Shygirl15 Either way you choose, you're bound to regret later on; so go with what you really feel you want to do. If you're not happy with your GF's looks now, it's unlikely that feeling will change in future. And if you choose to stick with her anyway, you may end up being even unhappier and in the process, make her unhappy also. Not good. Another side of the coin is that you may find a drop dead gorgeous chick who will make you miserable in other ways, and you'll regret leaving your GF. It's your call."
Author IceWind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Dude you have issues. Looks fade, a partner in life doesn't. Take my advise and ask yourself this... 1) is she giving 2) is she flexible 3) does she have integrity... honesty,trust,loyalty 4) does she nag or complain If you answered yes to all but 4 then she's a keeper. Yes to everything including 4, which i've found just comes naturally with woman, they always have some "woman" issue one way or another that we men don't get.
Author IceWind Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Are you sure you aren't just in love with her credentials? If you are in love with this lady it wouldn't matter about her weight you would still desire her. I've seen so many brides and grooms (that I didn't view as very attractive at all) talk about how beautiful or handsome their mates are and I swear I just couldn't see it. So love is truly blind to those things unless her appearance has changed drastically since you met her. If she was a little over weight when you met her why didn't it bother you then? The reason I don't think you truly love her is cause true love is a decision and a commitment. In life you will have temptations and if you get married to whoever, it won't be surprising if you at least once are tempted to go to "greener pastures" but true love means that you decide even when you don't feel like it, to put the other person before yourself... to be faithful to your wife even when she is not your ideal and to put her needs and wants before your own. When both people in a marriage put the other person's needs and wants before their own, then ideally both people benefit from the other's love. You forget that "human" love is far from perfect, all human love is going to have its "imperfections" Otherwise your statement would be correct. Only Gods loves is perfect. Careful before you judge others on their viewpoint of love, your's ain't perfect either.
t_veron Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Yes to everything including 4, which i've found just comes naturally with woman, they always have some "woman" issue one way or another that we men don't get. #4 is a tricky one. Most women when they like you nag until the nagging turns into resentment. Catch it early enough and stop it and you have yourself a good catch. The nagging usually means she's trying to tell you something and either you're not listening or she's having hard time telling you straight up or both. Schedule a night with her and tell her you want to have a long talk because you feel like you've been neglecting your relationship. Let her open up and listen to everything she has to say.
Adamagnet Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I am starting to think I would rather be with a less physically attractive guy who is really into me and treats me great. I hate to reinforce your idea, but statistics prove that a heterosexual relationship will last longer if the woman is more attractive than the man... I think I even recall a review of the study being discussed here.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I hate to reinforce your idea, but statistics prove that a heterosexual relationship will last longer if the woman is more attractive than the man... I think I even recall a review of the study being discussed here. Yeah, I read that article, too. I had a talk with him last night and told him what was on my mind. I even told him about this thread and said I wonder if he doesn't have the same kind of thoughts. He said he doesn't think it's true that he's more attractive than I am and gave some examples to support his point of view. He said he wouldn't have quit the band he was with for 15 years and moved to my city from 500 miles away if he wasn't very attracted to me. He said he can't even perform sexually if he's not attracted and he gets turned on just by looking at me. hehe He explained a lot of the reasons for things that have been bothering me, from his perspective. They made some sense, but I still don't believe him 100%. I should probably start my own thread if I want to keep talking about this. But it's not exactly easy to talk about.
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