IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I could use some incite from the older and wiser folks on the forum on this. I've been in my first real deep relationship with a girl for 2.5 years now and it’s been quit a journey. I've learned alot bout myself, her and love and all the pluses and minuses of a strong relationship. It seemed destined or fate that we should be together. I was friends with a son of friend of her family for many years but we never meet each other up until one day back in Sept of 05 I had to bail my friend out of a situation and to make up for it, he took me out with his local "friends" which included my soon to be girlfriend. We met, and according to her, she fell in love with me at first site, everything about me was perfect to her. Needless to say, she didn’t' want me to get away so she got me somewhat "drunk" and had me stay the night. We didn't make love, but we held and talked to each other and it was pretty much from that day forth we were together. I initially didn't find her very attractive but once I got to know her, I fell more and more in love with her as we started closer to each other. Hell, the street that she lived on was the same name as my last name! I dunno about you, but if that isn't fate or irony, I dunno what is. We both have been through alot, good and bad. We see our faith in Christianity the same way, we both desire not to have children and enjoy our time and money to ourselves with our careers. We both share so much in common and yet are still two different people. We deeply respect, care and are honest about each other, as I asked for us to be from the first day we meet. Its been my dream come true. To meet such a wonderful woman that we share and feel so much for each other, I’ve never been happier, even during the rough times. But recently, she's been gone a month and a half now for an archeology dig. We both knew this was gonna happen, and we knew we weren't going to find our limits of being apart until we tried them. This is our second year of doing this, and so far, its now been 1.5 months that shes been away. We’ve been in constant contact over the phone, but it seems like this distance is starting to get to us, as we keep miscommunication and getting frustrated when we do so. Were planning on seeing each other in a few weeks and maybe that will rekindle us after being away for awhile as they say “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” The biggest worry im having is since this has started I’ve been eyeing other woman out in the world and started to think “Wow, there are a lot of attractive woman out there. I love my girlfriend dearly, but shes not the prettiest thing, but I fell in love with here for her heart, not what she is” But why I am I starting to think I could do better? Why am I thinking and pondering if I could find some other “greener pasture’ A girl who’s more attractive in certain way s. But then I worry about loosing the one and maybe only chance I’ll have of finding such a awesome woman. But my mind goes back to “Yeah, but if your loosing sexual, attraction interest, even lacking it from the beginning, whats the point” Then I just start this inner self argument about looks vs heart and being honest that I myself am no Brad Pitt and maybe im not destined to have a very attractive woman but instead one with a big heart, not a perfect figure. I dunno, maybe I’m being immature and need to get my act together or maybe it’s a sign that someone else even better is out their waiting for me. Part of me says, I won’t know till I try. The other part says if I try, I loose the best I already have forever. __________________
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 yes there are many hot chicks out there and we all have insanely high standards. Not true. Having said that it's not a matter of wanting the hottest chick out there is it Icewind? If it's more about liking some women you feel are more equal to you in the physical sense then there could be problems long term with your current girlfriend. Are you still attracted to your g/f physically? Does she turn you on or are you looking to satisfy some global standard of who you should be dating given your own physical appeal? But I would caution you on making any big move based solely on that, I mean hot or not and at the end of the day when you get to know even the hottest girl, you will still have the same problems. Men and women have the same types of day to day problems and run ins and all that fun stuff regadless of hotness level.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Are you still attracted to your g/f physically? Does she turn you on or are you looking to satisfy some global standard of who you should be dating given your own physical appeal? But I would caution you on making any big move based solely on that, I mean hot or not and at the end of the day when you get to know even the hottest girl, you will still have the same problems. Men and women have the same types of day to day problems and run ins and all that fun stuff regadless of hotness level. Of course I am still attracted to her, but my mind can't stop comparing her physical traits with the much more "attractive" features of slimer woman and it really bugs me that my mind keeps comparing her to other woman even though her heart and personality is what I really love about her. I guess my mind is thinking "Man, all these freaking woman out there, maybe theres one that has her personality but even hotter and hell, maybe even fewer problems and meets more of my expecations" But on the same side, my mind replies back "You farking idiot, you've been wanting, wishing and waiting for someone this special for so long and now your gonna leave her on the account she doesn't meet some of your lady specifications in regards to body? You farking fool, the woman is even up for allowing for a threesome down the road and hell, likes to watch porn with you and even likes to admire other ladies, what the hell else do you want? If you screw this up, you'll hate yourself forever" Thats pretty much what goes on in my mind, and having OCD doesn't help.
Walk Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I think it's human nature to occasionally view others and wonder if our partner matches up. Especially when our partner is gone for a period of time. Add in the frustration and conflict of miscommunication, and suddenly others start looking a heck of a lot better then they would've if your partner and you were getting along great. A month and a half of not having sex will definitely skew your vision toward attractive women. I'd suggest hanging in there until your gf gets home, take a few months to think about how you feel when she is there and your needs are being met.. then measure your desire for more attractive women against what you have at home. I know if I had to go that long without sex I'd start noticing other guys. But personally, I think you're looking because your needs aren't being met right now, and its creating enough disconnect between the two of you that little issues are begining to seem like large issues to you. Is there anyway you could visit your gf for a couple days while she's on her dig? Maybe explain to her that you really need to reconnect with her right now, and that its important for the both of you that it happens.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 We talk on the phone every night and last month we managed to see eachother for one day during the weekend and it was just...I dunno, such a relief to have her back. I was so in lover with her all over again, much like I was when we first met, we thought we'd never have that feeling back again. But I guess its true what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. She'll be back for around 2 weeks this weekend, so we'll finally get some quality love/sex time in after three months. Even still, I just can't help but wonder and I feel so bad for wondering...... What makes it worse is that she's told me many many times times that she loves the way I am, phsyically all around, she wouldn't change anything. I'm still under the impression that all woman want Brad Pitt lookalike face and matching body otherwise, its not good enough deep down. She stated many times that even thinking of me and parts of my body gets her wett and excited and it sometimes takes a bit of work for me to do the same for her as she physically isn't the most perfect woman. No thanks to my lack of self confidence and loner geek stage all my life, even to this day I have a hard time believing I'm that good looking to her and thats what makes me feel so bad, I can point out several physical things about her that I'd wish were changed, but I still love her heart and soul so much, I feel so torn and such an ******* at the same time.
GoodOnPaper Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 The biggest worry im having is since this has started I’ve been eyeing other woman out in the world and started to think “Wow, there are a lot of attractive woman out there. I love my girlfriend dearly, but shes not the prettiest thing, but I fell in love with here for her heart, not what she is” But why I am I starting to think I could do better? Why am I thinking and pondering if I could find some other “greener pasture’ A girl who’s more attractive in certain way s. But then I worry about loosing the one and maybe only chance I’ll have of finding such a awesome woman. But my mind goes back to “Yeah, but if your loosing sexual, attraction interest, even lacking it from the beginning, whats the point” Then I just start this inner self argument about looks vs heart and being honest that I myself am no Brad Pitt and maybe im not destined to have a very attractive woman but instead one with a big heart, not a perfect figure. Don't self-depreciate. Regardless of your own looks, you are entitled to have your own preferences for what/who you find sexually attractive. This sounds like you are on the road to settling. It's very unlikely that settling will make you happy in the long run. My wife is overweight -- at times has been very overweight. When we met, we clicked on a lot of companionship levels, but she was way more into me than I was into her. Since I had been miserable at attracting women, I married her despite my lack of attraction for her, thinking my feelings would grow. Not a good plan. It turns out that my issue wasn't with her weight, but with being uncomfortable being seen with someone so far outside society's physical "ideals". Over the years, I got over this as I learned more about what physical and personality features I am really attracted to, but in the meantime a lot of emotional & intimacy barriers have built up. I thought maybe you were headed down a similar road until I read this: But on the same side, my mind replies back "You farking idiot, you've been wanting, wishing and waiting for someone this special for so long and now your gonna leave her on the account she doesn't meet some of your lady specifications in regards to body? You farking fool, the woman is even up for allowing for a threesome down the road and hell, likes to watch porn with you and even likes to admire other ladies, what the hell else do you want? If you screw this up, you'll hate yourself forever" IMO, intimacy is what really generates long-term attraction, and if you two are this open with each other, I'd say there is very good LTR potential.
hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 love has no eyes, when you truely love someone, you dont see what they look like. YOu see what they are inside and out. It is human nature to look at beautiful things be it a person/place or thing. But there is no comapirisons with love. Again, love is blind, if you truely love this woman there are no doubts, no second guesses....period. You need to figure out what true love is, cause when you find it, nothing else matters.
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Again, love is blind, If love is blind then why did they invent lingerie? Sorry couldn't resist... What makes it worse is that she's told me many many times times that she loves the way I am, phsyically all around, she wouldn't change anything. I'm still under the impression that all woman want Brad Pitt lookalike face and matching body otherwise, its not good enough deep down. She stated many times that even thinking of me and parts of my body gets her wett and excited and it sometimes takes a bit of work for me to do the same for her as she physically isn't the most perfect woman. So when you say prefect you mean she has weight issues? And did this happen gradually or did she already look like this when you met her? So you didn't mind her less than perfect physical appearance when did it did it become more aparent that this was a problem for you?
Shygirl15 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I have a feeling you're quite young, and haven't had many encounters with females? If so, your curiousity is very understandable. If your doubts are making you unhappy, you may want to explore around a bit. It's a risk though, but might be worthy.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I have a feeling you're quite young, and haven't had many encounters with females? If so, your curiousity is very understandable. If your doubts are making you unhappy, you may want to explore around a bit. It's a risk though, but might be worthy. Depends on your definition of "young" I'll be turning 28 this Saturday and the past few years i'm feeling old already, 9 years from graduating HS. I see how I look in comparison to the HS kids of today and I just feel freaking old. No, i've not had many close relationship with woman in my life. This is the very first INTENSELY close relationship i've ever had, with a LDR for several years coming in second which is now just friendship. Needless to say, the past nearly three years have been an interesting/learning experience, for both of us.
shadowplay Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Man, reading stuff like this just depresses me as a woman. It's fine to have your preferences, but why did you ever get involved with this girl if you weren't physically attracted to her?! And for 2.5 years no less? It's nice to say that you liked her personality, but you know that physical attraction is a necessary component of a successful relationship. I feel terrible for her. If only she knew what you were saying. Break up with her because the longer you stay involved, the more you'll break her heart.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 So when you say prefect you mean she has weight issues? And did this happen gradually or did she already look like this when you met her? So you didn't mind her less than perfect physical appearance when did it did it become more apparent that this was a problem for you? Its funny, she stated many times that she saw and fell in love with me during one of the hardest parts of her life. She was living with a roomate who was a sexist/racist dick who was also her collegee friend and field mate. She was trying to finish her masters in anthropology so she was a mental wreck about that, not to mention several other things. I guess when I look back on it, I hadn't had a girl in 5 years so my build up of emotion, romance, love and wanting to have sex with a special someone had reached critical point *was still a virgin till I met her*. Needless to say, when we met, that dam of emotions burst forth and completely saturated her in love, kindness and romance that she had never experience or though she would experience from a man. Basically, i'm more to her then she thought she could ever imagine and the more we began to know eachother, the more I just fell in love with "her" not her body. I guess in the when im like 50-60 years old i'll ask myself what will I regret more, that I married this wonderful but societal imperfect woman even while I wondered if there was someone better but better safe then sorry versus finding a more phsyically attractive woman but never finding having the heart and soul that I loved with this woman right now
shadowplay Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If you really feel that way you need to break up with her. The doubt will probably always haunt you. Also it's not fair to her. Physical attraction is necessary.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 If you really feel that way you need to break up with her. The doubt will probably always haunt you. Also it's not fair to her. Physical attraction is necessary. I dunno, I sense that even I found a Eva Mendes or Kathy Ireland, i'll eventually get bored with her looks and start all over again.
shadowplay Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I dunno, I sense that even I found a Eva Mendes or Kathy Ireland, i'll eventually get bored with her looks and start all over again. Even if she had a great personality?
GoodOnPaper Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I guess in the when im like 50-60 years old i'll ask myself what will I regret more, that I married this wonderful but societal imperfect woman even while I wondered if there was someone better but better safe then sorry versus finding a more phsyically attractive woman but never finding having the heart and soul that I loved with this woman right now If you have doubts, they will likely plague you sooner rather than later. I'd use how open you are with her as your guide. Can/are you be completely open with her or do you find that you hide little bits of yourself here and there? If the latter is true, it's likely that over time doubts will magnify and pressure will build.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Even if she had a great personality? I dunno, possibly
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 If you have doubts, they will likely plague you sooner rather than later. I'd use how open you are with her as your guide. Can/are you be completely open with her or do you find that you hide little bits of yourself here and there? If the latter is true, it's likely that over time doubts will magnify and pressure will build. No, were really good at communication and being honest with eachother, I asked that of both of us from day one. Otherwise their wouldn't be much point in being in a relationship. My biggest fear of all is to lose her and then be wondering/worrying myself if that was worst mistake I could ever do, even if I found someone else but she wasn't as good personality wise in comparison
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 No, were really good at communication and being honest with eachother, I asked that of both of us from day one. Otherwise their wouldn't be much point in being in a relationship. My biggest fear of all is to lose her and then be wondering/worrying myself if that was worst mistake I could ever do, even if I found someone else but she wasn't as good personality wise in comparison But if you have great chemistry together emotionally and physically and you are sexually into her what's the problem? I don't get this physical thing that is holding you back? Is it that you fear what others think of you next to her? Now if you said to me I have never been physically attracted to her but we get along great that's a different story, but you were and ARE physically attracted to her so why are you second guessing that just because she doesn't fit some plastic mold of what she SHOULD look like. something doesn't make sense here. Does her body or parts of how she looks turn you off? Yes even if you had Eve Mendez, you would eventually get tired of her body too. The body itself is not what captures a person it is the whole package. Also you say she says that you turn her on but that she doesn't make you feel hot, has she ever made you feel hot? Is the sex good/satisfying?
Shygirl15 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I dunno, I sense that even I found a Eva Mendes or Kathy Ireland, i'll eventually get bored with her looks and start all over again. At least you'll know that you have an attractive GF, but you're just bored with her looks. If you have an Eva Mendes, not matter how bored you're with her looks, you'll not feel uncomfortable being with her in public, would you? Either way you choose, you're bound to regret later on; so go with what you really feel you want to do. If you're not happy with your GF's looks now, it's unlikely that feeling will change in future. And if you choose to stick with her anyway, you may end up being even unhappier and in the process, make her unhappy also. Not good. Another side of the coin is that you may find a drop dead gorgeous chick who will make you miserable in other ways, and you'll regret leaving your GF. It's your call.
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 No, were really good at communication and being honest with eachother, I asked that of both of us from day one. Otherwise their wouldn't be much point in being in a relationship. Boy Icewind you know how many people would DIE to be in your shoes? That's gold what you just wrote there.
GoodOnPaper Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 No, were really good at communication and being honest with eachother, I asked that of both of us from day one. Otherwise their wouldn't be much point in being in a relationship. My biggest fear of all is to lose her and then be wondering/worrying myself if that was worst mistake I could ever do, even if I found someone else but she wasn't as good personality wise in comparison Sounds like you have a great connection. It seems like you shouldn't do anything rash -- at least right now. It may just be a matter of some soul-searching and figuring out what love and attraction really mean for you. For some of us, it's hard to break out of the box that society wants us to think in.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Either way you choose, you're bound to regret later on; so go with what you really feel you want to do. If you're not happy with your GF's looks now, it's unlikely that feeling will change in future. And if you choose to stick with her anyway, you may end up being even unhappier and in the process, make her unhappy also. Not good. Another side of the coin is that you may find a drop dead gorgeous chick who will make you miserable in other ways, and you'll regret leaving your GF. It's your call. You pretty much summed up my dilemna perfectly
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Is it that you fear what others think of you next to her? Does her body or parts of how she looks turn you off? Also you say she says that you turn her on but that she doesn't make you feel hot, has she ever made you feel hot? Is the sex good/satisfying? Deep, and I mean very deep down, yes I feel "bad" that I don't have a nice of a trophy to show off as other people do, and I feel I should be lonely and die alone the rest of my life for having such a thought. I guess really the only thing is her weight around the tummy and we'ved talk openly and very successfully about helping each other loose weight for health reasons several times. She stated that she fell in love with my body in my earlier chubbier form, so now that i've lost weight and tried to keep swimming, shes even more aroused thinking about me out in the field. He'll she constantly tells me shes "wet" in the morning in the company rig thinking about me. I guess my mind is so filled with "perfect" woman images that its hard for me to stop comparing in naked form from her to them. Sometimes were so in love, its not an issue and we have awesome sex. Other times, my mind simply doesn't know what it wants, and my sex drive suffers, and then I feel bad for not keeping it up. My mind for me is my own worst enemy.
Author IceWind Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Boy Icewind you know how many people would DIE to be in your shoes? That's gold what you just wrote there. Yeah, I'd like to think we've been really good at being truthfull, honest and forgiving of eachother, as thats what I asked of both of us from the first morning after we met. Even then, we have our miscommunications, fights and arguements but learn, forgive and move on. I dunno how the hell other people do it when they don't do what we do.
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