Author PG Love Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 I was just curious. I guess I grew up in an era and when families were close and wrong doing wasn't condoned or tolerated. It didn't mean that they didn't love you(or my parents would have disowned me:p),but if I had cheated on my H, they would have supported him and my kids,not me. I just find it kind of interesting that we want our families at arms length, unless we need them for something. I understand this and this is how things started out with my family, but it has morphed into something completely different now. They are very toxic to the point where they all feed off of eachother. Case in point: they all went on Vacation 2 weeks ago (7 hours away) and stbx was calling asking me not to answer my phone anymore if my family calls because none of them can enjoy their vacation because they are all concerned about what I am doing while they are gone. I talked to them once or twice because they just kept calling an leaving so many messages. (Stbx and the kids went on vacation with my whole family). Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Well, PGLove certainly wouldn't be the first woman to abandon her family, and disown her extended family so that she could pursue her affair. Personally, I hope her stbx comes quickly to his senses, and moves on to someone that truly can love and care for him just as soon as possible. It sounds as he'd be far, far better off without her than with her. More than likely he'll be a far better dad (more stable and relaxed) with someone who didn't treat him the way PGLove admits to having treated him. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Well, PGLove certainly wouldn't be the first woman to abandon her family, and disown her extended family so that she could pursue her affair. Personally, I hope her stbx comes quickly to his senses, and moves on to someone that truly can love and care for him just as soon as possible. It sounds as he'd be far, far better off without her than with her. More than likely he'll be a far better dad (more stable and relaxed) with someone who didn't treat him the way PGLove admits to having treated him. I agree with you. I just found the family dynamic really interesting. I think that her stbx is better off without her too. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Thanks all for the suggestions and comments. Cantgiveup~Thank you for your comments I believe our situations are very similar. My family has always been closely involved in my life including my marriage and that has been part of the problem. It has taken me a while to realize this, but now that I do I am trying to set some boundaries with them. They side with him because they are all about the moral issues. They are super religious and don't believe in divorce so I am doing a bad thing, but it doesn't affect me being a good mother to my children. Morally wrong, yes and I will have to explain that to my kids one day. Stbx has been to the house in the middle of the night while OM was there and it still doesn't stop him from calling and coming over. Stbx is just hanging on to something that is not there. Owl~ I know it is over because there has been so much pain and hurt that it can never go back to anything good for either of us. No amount of counceling can make me love him. I'm not even sure I loved him in the first place. If you read my past threads you will realize that we got married on the fly because I didn't want to go home my first summer in college, so instead I got married. I don't love him, actually I have no feelings for him at all and he hates the things I have done to him. He thinks that I am hard and callous, which I am with him. Carhill~ You hit the nail on the head with this comment: (OP had affair (I presume), now H is allowed to harass her because she was "bad"). He is constantly harrassing and threatening to fight for custody if I don't give in and talk to him when he wants or meet him when he demands. I try and be as accommodating as I can to keep the peace, but it's getting to a point where I am tired of keeping the peace and want to move on and live my life. He needs to do the same and realize that he can find happiness with out me. I would definitely put an RO in place. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 OP, back to your original question.... "What can I do to fix this?" Examine your psyche and set relationship boundaries that are healthy for you, but also ones which you can enforce. Only you know that balance. Someone above mentioned that they wished they could be as "nasty" as me; I don't take that as an insult; in fact, I see it as a compliment and purely the result of MC teaching me tools to properly enforce my boundaries. This is global, not just with my wife. I don't define myself by being liked or by the opinions of others anymore. People, including family, take on far less importance in my life now because, prior, the importance I assigned was unhealthy for me. Does that make sense? Be consistent. If you set a boundary, there are consequences. You have to follow through. If, for example, ex comes by at 2am banging on door and you tell him to leave or you will call 911/police, and he doesn't leave, just do it. Let your actions match your words. Find people who support you. Engage a few loyal friends for support and make sure they know how much you value that support. You need a real-life hug and to hear the words that you are valuable and indeed doing what you think is right, even if some here, myself included, might disagree. We're either on your team or not. You decide Remember the OM/MM. I don't know backstory, but he likely loves you. He also was likely a signpost in your M; a wakeup call. How both of you acted is personal to you and you will reconcile those actions, but the psychology of the A showing you a different path is still there and valuable in itself. All for now... hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Be consistent. If you set a boundary, there are consequences. You have to follow through. If, for example, ex comes by at 2am banging on door and you tell him to leave or you will call 911/police, and he doesn't leave, just do it. Let your actions match your words. This actually almost happened. The night stbx showed up it was at 2am and it took me a while to get to the door. Stbx said that he thought I was calling the cops and waiting for them to show up before I opened the door. I told him that next time I would. Now his biggest thing is calling all the time. He does leave messages, but not enough detail that I don't have to call him back to see what he needs. I have gotten to the point of turning my phone off and telling him that I will check the missed calls and messages at certain times of the day and return calls as needed. This is harder to do when he has the kids though. To the people that said he is better off without me, you are exactly right and I am better off without him. He needs to find someone that loves him like he deserves to be loved, I am just not that person. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 This actually almost happened. The night stbx showed up it was at 2am and it took me a while to get to the door. Stbx said that he thought I was calling the cops and waiting for them to show up before I opened the door. I told him that next time I would. Now his biggest thing is calling all the time. He does leave messages, but not enough detail that I don't have to call him back to see what he needs. I have gotten to the point of turning my phone off and telling him that I will check the missed calls and messages at certain times of the day and return calls as needed. This is harder to do when he has the kids though. Just as Carhill said. Set boundaries and make them stick. To the people that said he is better off without me, you are exactly right and I am better off without him. He needs to find someone that loves him like he deserves to be loved, I am just not that person. You are both better off without each other is a much better way to put it. You need to understand that you moved on before him. So, it's going to take time for him... and limiting contact with you is the best way to accomplish that. He needs to heal, and that can't happen while your still around. So, that RO could be the best thing for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PG Love Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 As much as I'd like to do the RO, I just don't think it would be the best move right now (not that I've ruled it out completely). To put some distance between us for now, I have decided to move to another town as soon as I can get a house lined up. I can still commute to the same job, but I'll be at least an hour away from stbx and my family. I am hoping this will dissuade them from dropping by a little more. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 To put some distance between us for now, I have decided to move to another town as soon as I can get a house lined up. I can still commute to the same job, but I'll be at least an hour away from stbx and my family. I am hoping this will dissuade them from dropping by a little more. Though rather inconventient now, that is a good option long term. When in doubt move and leave no forwarding address. Link to post Share on other sites
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