carrot10 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 My bf and I have been exclusive for 10 months. He brought up the idea of a threesome with another girl last night. I said I might do it as long as he was only with me or only watching. Then he said what if she brought her boyfriend? Would I do it with the boyfriend? I said no. This all was said while we were having sex and I realize he was talking about a fantasy. However, I feel sad that he wouldn't mind having another random guy f*ck me. Am I overreacting?
KinAZ Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I would compare that to his overall behavior in the relationship, any other problems or issues, etc. I know people have their different kinks, some people get a thrill out of other people watching, and others would feel jealous to have someone else see their mate even in a provocative way. Take clothes for example, some men like their women to wear rather sexy clothes all the time, like they get a kick out of knowing that other men are turned on by what they have. And then their are others who would be terribly jealous if you wore a revealing shirt to the mall. I know it's not the same, just trying to point out that people don't all feel the same way about certain things. Personally, it's not my cup of tea either, and I might feel slightly disturbed as well. So, no, I don't think you're overreacting, but that doesn't mean it's anything to worry about. Maybe you can just ask him some general questions about what he likes and why. It might set your mind at ease.
electric_sheep Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 It sounds like you guys just have very different attitudes about sexuality. You seem to attach more meaning to it than him, and it upsets you that he has such a cavalier attitude about it. Sex is pretty important, so it's understandable you would want him to see more eye to eye with you on it. It's also possible he is just f**king around and playing mind games, trying to get under your skin. Or perhaps the idea arouses him, but the reality wouldn't. I think it's the rare man that can see another guy balling his girlfriend and be okay with it! They do exist, though.
electric_sheep Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 BTW, you probably feel disrespected because I'm guessing your boyfriend is somewhat aware of your attitude/feelings about sex, and hence he knew the 3some talk would make you a little uncomfortable. I'm guessing he didn't bring it up in a particularly sensitive manner either.
Author carrot10 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 well, I didn't want to make a big deal about it but I said "I think you and I are very different because there is no way I want to see you with another girl" He said it was just a fantasy and would never want to do anything that would hurt our relationship.
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Great, talking about doing another girl while he's having sex (oops, making love) with you.... Give him an F- for timing... OP, you feel what you feel. There is no right or wrong to that. Examine the feeling and see if it matches with your moral and spiritual code and your desires from the relationship. Express that to your BF (not during sex ) .... His job, if he loves you, is to respect and validate your feelings about such an intimate matter. I hope he does
KinAZ Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Well, if you're still uneasy about it, why not just ask him more about his fantasies in general, and/or tell him about yours. You may not have to ask specifically about threesomes if you don't want to keep attention on what happened, but just some questions to give you a general idea of what he likes and why. Telling him some of your own might make him feel more comfortable talking about it without being scolded for sharing. That is, of course, unless you think you might not want to know.
Author carrot10 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I am trying not to make waves but I think I'm allowing this treatment by trying to be "the cool" girlfriend. This is all my fault. I've made so many mistakes in this relationship!
Calisto Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Any guy who brings up threesomes at all is not in love with you and you need to dump him quickly If he loved you, you would be enough and he would not want to share yousleep with anyone else, even for some fantasy. Don't know why bringing another guy into it would upset you but the fact that your boyfriend doesn't love you enough to just want to sleep with you does not. Having a general threesome fantasy and sharing it is one thing, as we all have fantasies, but to actually bring it up as really asking you means he doesn't love you and wants to have sex with someone else. think about it. He doesn't love you.
Author carrot10 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Calisto, this is why I am upset. I think the same thing. If he loved me, the thought wouldn't cross his mind. I understand the 2 girls and 1 guy fantasy, but the thought of another guy? I don't know what to do. He is going to say (like he did last night) that it was just talk and I shouldn't be upset. But to me, he was testing the waters to see if I would do it. I think I'm going to take a break from this relationship. I really love this guy-this sucks!
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 OP, if you do "take a break", be sure to be clear with your BF about the reasons. Ignore his sweet talk. He needs to hear you. Then, let him digest it in your absence
Jilly Bean Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Carrot - is this the same guy you posted about recently that has all the emotional walls up and you felt like you could not get close to him? Is this the same guy? If so, girl, I think the case just keep mounting here, doesn't it? I know I advised you on the other thread to drop him, as if you were looking for more intimacy, it didn't seem like he would be the guy. This only compounds my earlier take.
Calisto Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Calisto, this is why I am upset. I think the same thing. If he loved me, the thought wouldn't cross his mind. I understand the 2 girls and 1 guy fantasy, but the thought of another guy? I don't know what to do. He is going to say (like he did last night) that it was just talk and I shouldn't be upset. But to me, he was testing the waters to see if I would do it. I think I'm going to take a break from this relationship. I really love this guy-this sucks! Yeah, I would take a breakfor a while. It's summer and you can meet a better guy!
Star Gazer Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Ya know, it's one thing for a guy to bring up having a threesome when you're on the couch watching a sex scene in a movie involving a threesome or some girl-on-girl action, but it's quite another for him to bring up the subject of having sex with other people while he's still inside you. You're right to feel disrespected. This guy has got some MAJOR intimacy issues... I'd be outta there fast. Easier said than done, I know. But this is a big red flag, IMO.
porter218 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Calisto, this is why I am upset. I think the same thing. If he loved me, the thought wouldn't cross his mind. I understand the 2 girls and 1 guy fantasy, but the thought of another guy? I don't know what to do. He is going to say (like he did last night) that it was just talk and I shouldn't be upset. But to me, he was testing the waters to see if I would do it. I think I'm going to take a break from this relationship. I really love this guy-this sucks! Carrot, I have been in this situation before. This same question was asked of me and I told him I didn't want to do it. But even the question alone forever changed how I felt about him. He never pushed the issue but after that question I paid really close attention and realized our views on sex were very different and I just couldn't picture marrying this guy..so I dumped him. I don't regret that decision 1 bit. It was hard to make such a big decision over something that seemed so small, but after I let him go I felt sure I did the right thing. My current husband also asked about a threesome, but it felt completely different because he wanted only a girl(absolutely no man) and that was because he wanted to watch me and the girl..he didn't care about doing anything with her. Completely different.
AAlike Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Calisto, this is why I am upset. I think the same thing. If he loved me, the thought wouldn't cross his mind. I understand the 2 girls and 1 guy fantasy, but the thought of another guy? I don't know what to do. He is going to say (like he did last night) that it was just talk and I shouldn't be upset. But to me, he was testing the waters to see if I would do it. I think I'm going to take a break from this relationship. I really love this guy-this sucks! Although, as Carhill pointed out, his timing and delivery were extremely poor, I don't know that you should necessarily be viewing it as you are. Honestly, if I were you I would be more comfortable with the extra guy and girl versus just the extra girl - at least that shows that he's not just conjuring up a scenario so that he can do someone else, he's at least curious if you would enjoy such a scenario as well. As far the notion that he wants to "share" you and hence doesn't really love you - again, I understand your logic...I have found that much to my chagrin I am relatively sexually conservative, and I personally could never handle seeing my GF in that mode with someone else. But there are plenty of guys that get excited about the prospect of seeing their girlfriend or wife get pleasure from and/or give pleasure to another guy - and I'd venture to guess that they don't think of it as "sharing" them and has nothing to do with how much they do or don't love them. For some guys, it's just about giving their SO the ultimate pleasure, others get turned on by seeing how much their SO can turn on another guy, like it reinforces how hot they are. Obviously I don't know your BF and how he really feels about you, my only point is that this suggestion by him does not necessarily imply that he doesn't really love you. If he said "hey I want to do another girl" that would - but the fact that he would want you to not only be involved in the experience but perhaps get some outside-of-the-box pleasure of your own from it, and that he told you that he'd much rather leave it a fantasy than jeopardize the relationship shows me that he's very considerate of you and was probably just trying to test the waters and establish some boundaries. again, the timing was not so great, but maybe he figured catching you in a lustful, unbridled state might be the best opportunity to bring this up. It also seems like he understood that you were probably not the type to be able to do this and come out unscathed and he has hence backed off (which is good, because a lot of people go along with it and find out after it's too late that they're not that type). So honestly, I wouldn't really read too much into it. If it continues to bother you, or if he brings it up again, you should talk to him a little more and maybe ask him to explain his motivation a little more. I'm sure that it will be more than "well, I don't really love you all that much so I figured that you're sharable."
Author carrot10 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 AAlike, thank you for your insight. He always puts my needs ahead of his in the bedroom. After I said it bothered me that he brought up the idea of another guy, he said he thought all girls had a fantasy of being with 2 guys. I said I don't. I am realizing that we have 2 different ways of looking at things. We are still trying to figure each other out. Your post makes me feel so much better. I tend to think the worst so that I don't get hurt down the line.
Refrain Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Gf, I love my bf talk of other women. I let him have other women. In return I have my freedom and lots of respect from him..and yet I used to be so so jealous of even thinking of sharing my bf with others. And of course I could not ever **** anyone else. With time, patience, practice, communication I understood that sex is fun and it could include others. My current bf loves to fantasize about sharing me because it is what turns him on. And it does same for me. There is a good book by Vicki Vantoch The Threesome Handbook : A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three
Shygirl15 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Gf, I love my bf talk of other women. I let him have other women. In return I have my freedom and lots of respect from him..and yet I used to be so so jealous of even thinking of sharing my bf with others. And of course I could not ever **** anyone else. With time, patience, practice, communication I understood that sex is fun and it could include others. My current bf loves to fantasize about sharing me because it is what turns him on. And it does same for me. There is a good book by Vicki Vantoch The Threesome Handbook : A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three Well, I suppose we are all just very different, and carrot should go with what makes her comfortable. A few months ago, I went through the same fantasy thing with my then BF and just could not deal with him anymore. His style was to call me on the phone while jacking off and tell me that he's in bed with Naomi Campbell and Halle Berry! and he would go on and on, on what they're doing to him and each other. A complete weirdo. That's just one example of so many such behaviours this person exhibited, and my worst fear was that one day, he's going to ask for a threesome, something I can never do, unfortunately.
Shygirl15 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 My current husband also asked about a threesome, but it felt completely different because he wanted only a girl(absolutely no man) and that was because he wanted to watch me and the girl..he didn't care about doing anything with her. Completely different. Can't he just watch a lesbian video, perhaps with someone looking a little like you??? Seriously, I think a thought of having a girl infront of me, and having to do things on her, and she does things on me, plus another person watching just freaks me out.
twice_shy Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 My bf and I have been exclusive for 10 months. He brought up the idea of a threesome with another girl last night. I said I might do it as long as he was only with me or only watching. Then he said what if she brought her boyfriend? Would I do it with the boyfriend? I said no. This all was said while we were having sex and I realize he was talking about a fantasy. However, I feel sad that he wouldn't mind having another random guy f*ck me. Am I overreacting? No, you are not overreacting, but it depends on how you two view 3somes. If a girlfriend of mine wanted a 3some, and told me that during sex, i'd pull out, open the door and tell her to get out.
AAlike Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 No, you are not overreacting, but it depends on how you two view 3somes. If a girlfriend of mine wanted a 3some, and told me that during sex, i'd pull out, open the door and tell her to get out. so, in OP's situation, you'd end a 10 month relationship instantly because of one sentence, without even thinking about her motivation behind saying that to you? Look, I understand the motivation behind the anti-cheating crusade that you seem to be on in all of your posts, and I'm on board for the most part - I think that cheating is the ultimate slap in the face - do your SO the courtesy of breaking up with them and then you can act out on whatever impulse that you have. However, I think that just looking for a reason to distrust someone is what kills relationships. I mean, they've been together for 10 months, maybe he just felt comfortable enough with her that he felt that he could bring something like that up and maybe gauged her reaction improperly. maybe he was just bringing it up in a whimsical manner just to feel her out on something like this. it's not like the guy actually tried to pressure her into doing it or is telling her that he needs her to do it - from what she said he backed off once she wasn't comfortable with it. couples talk about this fictitiously all of the time (just read some other threads on here) - oftentimes it never goes beyond hypothetical talk, other times it does, but just bringing it up is commonplace. I personally am completely anti-threesome, whether in or out of a relationship - it's not something that I am morally opposed to but I just wouldn't enjoy it due to its impersonality. But if a GF of mine brought it up to me I wouldn't take it as a personal attack or a threat to my relationship, I'd take it as her wondering if it was also something that I'd like to experience and if so, that we could experience it together. Now, if after I told her that I would not be comfortable or interested in such a situation, she still persisted, then I would be concerned because it would be obvious that she is not conscious of my feelings.
AAlike Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 AAlike, thank you for your insight. He always puts my needs ahead of his in the bedroom. After I said it bothered me that he brought up the idea of another guy, he said he thought all girls had a fantasy of being with 2 guys. I said I don't. I am realizing that we have 2 different ways of looking at things. We are still trying to figure each other out. Your post makes me feel so much better. I tend to think the worst so that I don't get hurt down the line. It sounds like you have a guy that really gets turned on by seeing you sexually pleasured - this is not a bad thing by any means! maybe he was barking up the wrong tree, but it seems to me like his intent was more to say "hey, I'm comfortable with letting you push your sexual boundaries a little if you're into that, especially considering you're letting me push mine" than it was to say "you're expendable enough to me that I don't mind if you do another guy." you aren't into it, he knows that now, and no harm was done. I certainly don't think that anything that transpired here is indicative of him not loving you. now - keep in mind that I have not read any of your other threads, so I am only evaluating this based on this one incident.
twice_shy Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 so, in OP's situation, you'd end a 10 month relationship instantly because of one sentence, without even thinking about her motivation behind saying that to you? You obviously didn't read what I said. I said it depends on their views on 3somes. I was telling her MY view on them. However, I think that just looking for a reason to distrust someone is what kills relationships. ??? you mean I am not to be offended if someone I am with wants to have sex with someone else?? uh....ok:confused: I mean, they've been together for 10 months, maybe he just felt comfortable enough with her that he felt that he could bring something like that up and maybe gauged her reaction improperly. Again, if you'd read what i said, I said I don't think she overreacted, but it depends on her view of 3somes. maybe he was just bringing it up in a whimsical manner just to feel her out on something like this. it's not like the guy actually tried to pressure her into doing it or is telling her that he needs her to do it No, but if she isn't into sharing herself or him(and only she can decide that), and would consider it cheating, you bet she would be offended by it. I consider it cheating myself. and even if someone brought it up to "feel me out", it means they want to cheat. But again, it depends on how they view it. from what she said he backed off once she wasn't comfortable with it. yup, his dream of boning someone else was thwarted. Too bad for him. I personally am completely anti-threesome, whether in or out of a relationship - it's not something that I am morally opposed to but I just wouldn't enjoy it due to its impersonality. But if a GF of mine brought it up to me I wouldn't take it as a personal attack or a threat to my relationship, I'd take it as her wondering if it was also something that I'd like to experience and if so, that we could experience it together. And now you'd then know that you have a gf that wants to have sex with someone else and would like to make it a reality. But thats you and its your decision.
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