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Posted

Well, if you've been keeping up on my posts, you'll know that I am in an LDR with someone I feel is unsure of me.... last night's conversation on the phone with him just confirmed every "gutt" feeling I've been having in the last few weeks that have lead up to this point.

 

A few weeks ago... my LD bf stopped talking to me as frequently as he had been. Going from every night all night to about 20 mins every other or every third night. My intuition told me that he's losing interest -- signs are always obvious it's just that when you're the one whose on the recieving end, it's kind of difficult to see it because you're on the inside looking out and you don't want those signs to really mean anything.

 

Last night he called me and we got to talking about how I'm gonna be there in less than 2 weeks - 12 days to be exact... and because he's been working a lot and because he's been stressed a lot I asked him if he's really gonna be ok with me and my daughter going there. He said yes - and then he said "and plus you've already bought the tickets" which to me sounds like "well I have not other choice because you've already bought the tickets".... and I analyze EVERYTHING so that to me is a red flag.

 

So, he then got to talking about how he's been depressed and he can't really pinpoint what is causing it and that he feels like all he wants to do is runaway and not have contact with anyone he knows so that he wishes he could just stop caring and wants to feel numb to any emotions... etc...

 

So I pried it out of him and asked him if he wants me to back off a little and give him some "space" (even though we live 1200 miles aprt already) he kinda got defensive and said "i don't really think I want you to back off, i don't really know what I want".... so then Pandora's box was opened at that point because he completely spilled his gutts to me - which I completely commend him for because that is a hard thing to do...

 

Here's a shorter version of what he said to me:

 

"I still have love for my ex wife, I am obsessed with her, I had a very deep love for her which makes it hard for me to let anyone else in because she hurt me very very badly, I don't want to lose you but I don't want to let you in (emotionally) either because i fear i will get hurt again, i feel i am in love with you, i feel like now i am pushing you away but i don't want to push you away, i feel like i'm hurting your feelings, i feel it's not fair to you that the actions of another person have caused me to put a guard up, i don't know what i want, i have a very weak spot in my heart for my ex wife which scares me because if you move here and there's a time when she needs a shoulder to cry on - i'm gonna feel bad for my weakness towrds her when i should have a weakness towards you, i feel guilty and bad that i am playing with your emotions... etc..."

 

So... I then asked him if he's even ready for a relationship with me (they've been separated for a year) and he said he wants a realtionship with me but doesn't know what he wants. I told him that he's ALWAYS gonna have a weakness for his ex and he got very mad and said he doesn't want that... he hates that he's got that weakness for her.

 

I just don't really know what to do anymore. Before I even got with him I specifically told him the exact things that he said to me last night. I told him that "I" feel that he's not ready and that "I" feel like HE would hurt ME - not ME hurt HIM - which he is so adament about. I risked alot of things to be able to be with him. I gave up my life - which i was planning to give up anways because my ex was very abusive and my LD bf helped me to leave him... but i gave up and risked almost everything i had in order to be able to be with him. I feel that he is and has played with my emotions... that's not fair to me.

 

What do I do? I don't want to go to see him now in 12 days because it's gonna be awkward and uncomfortable for me. But I have to because it's been paid for - costs $1400!!! A gift that my mother gave to me was to go see him and she paid $1400!!! She knew and knows what I feel for him!! And my poor daughter!! She's 5 but she is so excited to meet my LD bf , she talks to him on the phone all the time and thinks he's a wonderful man!! Little does she know that it's not working out :(

 

Also, I had tickets purchased to see him again in August (only cost me $200 but still) I asked him if he still wants me to see him then too... he said "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

 

I'm lost!! I don't feel sad or mad because I already "knew" this inside of me. I'm more disappointed if anything because of the false hope he put into my head - the AMAZING time we had with one another when I went to see him in April...

 

I had put off looking for an apartment here because I wasn't sure if I was going to move to where he is... but now I am looking. Why am I such a fool??? This is why I don't trust anyone anymore. My abusive ex did it to me - played games with my head and heart - and now my supposedly LD bf is doing it too.

 

So then as I was trying to wrap up our phone conversation, my LD bf asked me if I was mad at him... I said no and that I appreciate him being honest with me at least. He also asked if I'm still gonna come to see him... I said of course (Already paid for non-refundable even though deep down I don't feel my heart is safe to go there) then he asked if I'll still make love to him and i said of course...

 

I need to move on.... friends we have been and friends we will always be, but i just don't think he's EVER gonna let his ex wife go... I think something happened between the two of them to make him act this way all of a sudden.... it's just a shame that it happened AFTER the tickets were purchased.

Posted
So, he then got to talking about how he's been depressed and he can't really pinpoint what is causing it and that he feels like all he wants to do is runaway and not have contact with anyone he knows so that he wishes he could just stop caring and wants to feel numb to any emotions... etc...

 

He's "depressed" because he's not "over" his wife.

 

So I pried it out of him and asked him if he wants me to back off a little and give him some "space" (even though we live 1200 miles aprt already) he kinda got defensive and said "i don't really think I want you to back off, i don't really know what I want"....

 

Again, his head is all over the place because he can't have want he thinks he wants, and is afraid to take something that's being offered to him as he's still holding a torch his wife whom (legally, anyway), he's still married to...

 

Here's a shorter version of what he said to me:

 

"I still have love for my ex wife, I am obsessed with her, I had a very deep love for her which makes it hard for me to let anyone else in because she hurt me very very badly, I don't want to lose you but I don't want to let you in (emotionally) either because i fear i will get hurt again, i feel i am in love with you, i feel like now i am pushing you away but i don't want to push you away, i feel like i'm hurting your feelings, i feel it's not fair to you that the actions of another person have caused me to put a guard up, i don't know what i want, i have a very weak spot in my heart for my ex wife which scares me because if you move here and there's a time when she needs a shoulder to cry on - i'm gonna feel bad for my weakness towrds her when i should have a weakness towards you, i feel guilty and bad that i am playing with your emotions... etc..."

 

Kudos to him for being honest, but that's not quite enough. He needs to decide what he wants and not drag you along tied to the bumper of his car while he keeps driving around the block hoping the wife will hop in for a spin.

 

So... I then asked him if he's even ready for a relationship with me (they've been separated for a year) and he said he wants a realtionship with me but doesn't know what he wants. I told him that he's ALWAYS gonna have a weakness for his ex and he got very mad and said he doesn't want that... he hates that he's got that weakness for her.

 

Maybe he'll always be hung up on her, maybe he won't. You don't know that and neither does he at this point. TBH I think you may have said that because your feelings were hurt and you felt the need to lash out in a "What about me?" type of way. It might have been hard to suppress and what you were thinking, but it really didn't help resolve anything in a positive way, did it?

 

I just don't really know what to do anymore. Before I even got with him I specifically told him the exact things that he said to me last night. I told him that "I" feel that he's not ready and that "I" feel like HE would hurt ME - not ME hurt HIM - which he is so adament about.

 

*You* were thinking clearly. He's *not* and won't be until he comes to terms with his relationship with his wife. It's also possible that he's thought about your concerns since you expressed them and because *he does* care about you, he's now having second thoughts. If so, that's admirable.

 

I risked alot of things to be able to be with him. I gave up my life - which i was planning to give up anways because my ex was very abusive and my LD bf helped me to leave him... but i gave up and risked almost everything i had in order to be able to be with him. I feel that he is and has played with my emotions... that's not fair to me.

 

Now, stop and think a minute and re-read what you wrote. You said "you gave up your life - which you were planning to give up anyway." If that's the case, how is it fair or just to say your life is in ruin because of him if you knew you had to *do something* regardless to get yourself out of the place you were in?

 

It would be fairer to say that he was a catalyst in helping you see life doesn't have to be as dismal as it has been -- that there are people out there that are willing to help others in need and lend a hand. Not every person who comes into your life in this way is destined to be a life partner; sometimes they are just "enablers" to help you along in your journey. :love:

 

As far as "playing with feelings" goes, I don't agree that he's 100% to blame. *You* knew when you got into this relationship that he was still married (albeit separated) and was having a hard time with the break-up. Just as he provided you with a shoulder to lean on, you provided one for him as well. The fact that he is in such a quandary about his feelings and intentions is an indication that your presence in his life has "played" with his feelings as well. Have you considered that?

 

What do I do? I don't want to go to see him now in 12 days because it's gonna be awkward and uncomfortable for me. But I have to because it's been paid for - costs $1400!!! A gift that my mother gave to me was to go see him and she paid $1400!!! She knew and knows what I feel for him!! And my poor daughter!! She's 5 but she is so excited to meet my LD bf , she talks to him on the phone all the time and thinks he's a wonderful man!! Little does she know that it's not working out :(

 

Why would you want to confuse your daughter and put her in the middle of this drama? Why would you want to confuse *him* further when he clearly is so unsure about his intentions toward you? Given the situation, *why* would your mother want you and her granddaughter to go through with the original plan now that you know where you stand?

 

If it were me, I'd cancel your visit. You may have airline tickets already bought and paid for, but *you don't* have to use them to visit him. Even if the tickets were non-changeable/non-refundable, check with the airlines what your options are. You may be able to cancel the reservation. True, you won't get your money back, but may be able to re-book seats on another flight at a later time.

 

If that's not possible, then go ahead and make the trip -- BUT do not go and see/stay with him. You didn't say where in Virginia you were going, but there are plenty of historic and interesting places to see/do in the state which I'm sure your daughter would enjoy as a special summer vacation. Or, think about you and *your mother* making the trip.

 

Also, I had tickets purchased to see him again in August (only cost me $200 but still) I asked him if he still wants me to see him then too... he said "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

 

I think you should quit asking *him* whether *he* wants to see you, and start asking yourself *why* YOU want to go see him given you're clearly not Number One on his list? I hate to tell you this, but right now the pecking order is: 1) His wife 2) Him 3) You.

 

I'm lost!! I don't feel sad or mad because I already "knew" this inside of me. I'm more disappointed if anything because of the false hope he put into my head - the AMAZING time we had with one another when I went to see him in April...

 

He's hurting and he's looking for validation that he's not as big a piece of crap as his wife has made him out to feel. The attention and admiration you give/gave him is something he craves and can't have with his wife.

 

Again, quit blaming him for leading you on. You also "knew" he was "not over" his wife when you re-kindled your relationship. Simply not fair (but probably makes you feel vindicated in some way). :confused:

 

I had put off looking for an apartment here because I wasn't sure if I was going to move to where he is... but now I am looking.

 

Good decision.

 

Why am I such a fool??? This is why I don't trust anyone anymore. My abusive ex did it to me - played games with my head and heart - and now my supposedly LD bf is doing it too.

 

When it comes to love, we're all "fools" to some extent. ;) Especially when we pin all our hopes and dreams on someone else and neglect to take care of ourselves.

 

So then as I was trying to wrap up our phone conversation, my LD bf asked me if I was mad at him... I said no and that I appreciate him being honest with me at least. He also asked if I'm still gonna come to see him... I said of course (Already paid for non-refundable even though deep down I don't feel my heart is safe to go there) then he asked if I'll still make love to him and i said of course...

 

WHAT???? You can't be serious? Knowing how confused he is about his intentions toward you, what "good" do you think will come out of having sex with him? It may be a nice "release" for him, but I guarantee you, it's gonna mess with your head even more if you do!

 

And, what about your daughter? Do you think it would be appropriate for you to be having sex with this guy in her presence? Does he?

 

I need to move on.... friends we have been and friends we will always be, but i just don't think he's EVER gonna let his ex wife go... I think something happened between the two of them to make him act this way all of a sudden.... it's just a shame that it happened AFTER the tickets were purchased.

 

Whether he comes to terms with his wife and decides what he wants out of life remains to be seen. But, in the meantime, EMBeee, you're right -- YOU DO need to move on and quit pinning your hopes for a happy life solely on another. Damsels in distress being rescued by Prince Charmings are great bedtime stories, but life is not a fairy tale.

 

Latch on to the negative energy you're channeling right now and put it productive use building a new life for you and your daughter. When the two of you are standing tall, someone will come into your life as an equal and worthy partner. Believe in that and yourself -- and let Mr. Virginia sort out his own.

 

Best,

TMichaels

  • Author
Posted

TMichaels,

 

I always like hearing from you because your replies always make sense! Thanks much for your reply :)

 

I guess now my question is this... to you or anyone who would be able to shine a light on this shadow of mine...

 

What exactly would be the reason that his mind is so conflicted between me and his ex?? He's been separated from her for over a year now and she is with a new man and lives with this new man... she cheated on her first husband to be with my LD bf... cheated on my bf with her new bf and my bf can't see that there is a pattern???

 

I guess I'm just at a loss for words here because he was really wanting to get over her and the only thing I can think of is this... Her mother is remarried to his father (which is how they met in the first place)... when I was there to visit him, he was in a "fight" with her mother and wasn't talking to them even after I left there. I just feel like he "used" me and once they started talking again, he must've been seeing the ex more and more and talking to her more and more and boom... I am the forgotten one.

 

I just want to know why it's hard for him to make a decision... he can't have both! An how disrespectful they each are to the one's they are "with" especially with her driving around my LD bf in her bf's new car!?! neither of them have any regards to anyone's feelings but their own... I feel bad for them... I know she'll end up hurting him again... I just don't know that I'll be there for him the next time around... just gotta move on I guess... there is more fish in the sea!

 

Thanks for your replies!! :)

  • Author
Posted

HidingMe,

 

Thank you so much for your support! I am a bit distraught over this! I'm not sad or anything like that... I'm just disappointed because I knew all along and even before I got with him that he's got emotional baggage... he convinced me otherwise and I also thought that after one year (especially since she's living with another man now) that he'd be able to move on. I don't know... I do know that my mind is much clearer now and I don't want to be plan B... or #3...

 

I will keep you all updated however :)

 

I guess it just sucks to be me...

Posted
TMichaels,

 

I always like hearing from you because your replies always make sense! Thanks much for your reply :)

 

You're welcome. Glad to help if I can. :o

 

I guess now my question is this... to you or anyone who would be able to shine a light on this shadow of mine...

 

What exactly would be the reason that his mind is so conflicted between me and his ex?? He's been separated from her for over a year now and she is with a new man and lives with this new man... she cheated on her first husband to be with my LD bf... cheated on my bf with her new bf and my bf can't see that there is a pattern???

 

EMBeee, he may have been separated for over a year, but he's not yet divorced. That in itself should give you a clue.

 

If he AND she were truly interested in severing all ties and getting on with their respective lives, they would do just that. They haven't -- which means they are still "together" on some level. Maybe it's just to make each other jealous, maybe the two of them like playing games. I don't know, but one thing is certain: As long as they *aren't* divorced THEY ARE "together" and the past year or so "being separated" is purely a technicality.

 

I guess I'm just at a loss for words here because he was really wanting to get over her and the only thing I can think of is this... Her mother is remarried to his father (which is how they met in the first place)... when I was there to visit him, he was in a "fight" with her mother and wasn't talking to them even after I left there. I just feel like he "used" me and once they started talking again, he must've been seeing the ex more and more and talking to her more and more and boom... I am the forgotten one.

 

I think you need to get over this "he used me" business. You're giving him too much credit and sidestepping your role in this relationship. As I said before, *you knew* when you got into this relationship that he was not divorced and not over his wife. You even voiced those concerns to him early on.

 

His life has been in upheaval the past couple of years. Given that, he's in "survival mode" and not thinking clearly about anything but his own pain and grief. If you feel "used" I don't believe it's something he consciously orchestrated. You put yourself in the situation despite what your gut and head was telling you, and what's more, in a way you gave him "permission" to pursue a relationship with you even though his mind was muddled by expressing your concerns to him, and then forging ahead, anyway.

 

Think about it this way: If he was consciously using you, he'd be parading you around like a prize poodle in front of his wife letting her know how happy *he* is with *his* new love just to spite her. He's not doing that, is he?

 

I just want to know why it's hard for him to make a decision... he can't have both! An how disrespectful they each are to the one's they are "with" especially with her driving around my LD bf in her bf's new car!?! neither of them have any regards to anyone's feelings but their own... I feel bad for them... I know she'll end up hurting him again... I just don't know that I'll be there for him the next time around... just gotta move on I guess... there is more fish in the sea!

 

I think you're assuming too much here, EMBeee. You think the problem is he's trying to decide between two women. That isn't the case at all. HE IS STILL MARRIED to this woman and as long as he is, she's his wife.

 

Hope springs eternal and he has a bad case of it. I don't know what her problem is. If she doesn't want to be with her husband, then she should end it, but I have a feeling the two of them enjoy being involved in some sort of perverted game. Whether they are or they aren't or whether she hurts him again is not your problem, and quite frankly -- why would you want to be part of such a twisted, messy affair?

 

It's never a good idea to get involved with someone who's gone through a painful break-up until they've had a chance to get their head together -- which usually takes a couple of years. At best, most people who get involved with someone so quickly after the demise of a prior relationship can hope for is to be the "rebound" lover -- someone who helps them continue to heal and mend. I don't think that's what you want out of this relationship, but to expect anything different is just fooling yourself.

 

This guy isn't two year's along in making peace with his marriage failing, HE'S STILL MARRIED, EMBeee. And, what's more he's doing nothing to end that relationship. How much more writing do you need on the wall?

 

You're right, there are other fish in the sea. I think it's time you "cut bait," and charted a course in less choppy waters. Otherwise, you'll just be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic -- and we all know how that passage turned out. ;)

 

Best,

TMichaels

Posted

I am really sorry, EmBEE.

 

You deserve much better than that!

  • Author
Posted

Hey all! :) It's always so nice to hear from everyone as I do feel lonely at times and this is my source of letting go of steam and just to vent and look for some moral support.

 

Last night he did call me. He was sleeping when I called him but he woke up and decided to call me - which I was glad to hear from him. His tone was very different than the night before. He seemed "better" we talked normal about what went on in my day and in his. He's always been a very insecure person and I don't know if his insecurity has anything to do with him being "unsure" of what he wants. But he's afraid (as he said to me) that I am (a.) not wanting to go see him anymore and (b.) that he's "pushing" me away. Even before this whole ordeal, he kept saying stuff like: "I bet you're gonna find another man before you come to see me".

 

When we talked last night... I can tell that I have my guard up again because everytime he told me he loves me... I just told myself "yeah right"... I don't like feeling like that! I feel bad inside - not because of the things he said to me the night before... but because maybe I really am backing off... it's very hard for me to let anybody "in" because of the abusive relationship I was in and I was letting him in at first (a little) but now I'm starting to shut that because of my defense mechanism and it just makes me feel bad that I can't let someone I care about "in" because they don't care about me.

 

Wow... I guess I'm at a stand still... and I don't want to turn my back on him.... but maybe it's what I need to do.... it's hard.......... LDR's are hard.... my psychic told me that she can see it working for us..... but I NEED to move there in order for it to work........... I believe that........ but I don't see me being able to move for a long time :(

 

 

Here's a song that I can really relate to:

 

Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy (very touching song)

 

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

 

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

 

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

 

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

 

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

 

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

 

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

 

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

 

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy

To walk right in and out of my life?

 

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Posted

Wow, beautiful and sad song. I'm sure it hits home for you.

 

Everyone here has given you great insight and support.

 

What I notice in your posts is that you are making excuses for his behavior. Coming from an abusive relationship, this might be something you do (I know I did, too.)

 

While it's good to understand someone, it is not good to make excuses for him. Is it okay that he is feeling sad about his ex-wife, even missing her? Yes.

 

Is it okay that he is feeding into these feelings by telling you she could come cry on his shoulder when she wants to? No. Separate the feelings and the behavior. One doesn't make the other right. He should be actively trying to get over the ex wife. No contact, no being there for her when she needs him, etc.

 

He doesn't get to pine away for her while staying emotionally distant from you. That's not fair to you. He must try to get over her, share his feelings with you and take the necessary actions to get closer to you. Like making you number 1.

 

If he's not doing that, cut him loose. You see that, right?

 

Don't go see him. Don't sleep with him. You are not his love. His ex-wife still is. If you settle for second best, he will let you...and he will never get over his ex-wife. Consider it doing him a favor by removing yourself from his confusion.

 

But, I know it hurts. Start healing yourself by not going to him for comfort over this painful situation. That would only further bond you to him and make it harder for you to leave, or to even have perspective.

Posted

1. He is not divorced and still says that he loves his wife.

 

2. You have only been a couple for a few months, and you are already planning on moving there for the upcoming school year.

 

3. He wants to make sure that if you visit you will still have sex with him - even though your 5 year old will be there.

 

Don't go. Don't uproot your child from the life she has known to live with some stranger, when it is pretty obvious that he is ambivalent to your coming there just to visit.

 

if this is meant to work out as a R, then it will work out without your rushing things so quickly. You have only been with him for about 3 months, and you are already planning on living with him? What is the big rush?

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted

lots of fabulous advice here I admit but I will go a bit against the grain of it all :confused: My boyfriend still sees his ex girlfriend twice a week...does stuff for her...gives her cash...drives me MENTAl...but he doesnt love her (thank goodness) he is just a genuainely nice guy.... things your guys said SOOO reminded me of my guy.

 

Dont base the decision to go or not on one or two phone calls.....when we are tired and stressed we say and do things we may not....

 

your situation is compounded by taking your daughter and with lots of very in depth talks etc going to happen you need to think that thru...

 

if I was you I would go.... when you get there say the sex and romance is off...lets have some fun....spend some time really trying to work out if he is still in love with the ex, with you, or mearly as confused as hell.... You may find once he spends time with you the issue of who he loves clears up

 

At the least take the holiday, will be stressful but at the end you will know where you stand...

 

Good luck....HUGS :)

  • Author
Posted
lots of fabulous advice here I admit but I will go a bit against the grain of it all :confused: My boyfriend still sees his ex girlfriend twice a week...does stuff for her...gives her cash...drives me MENTAl...but he doesnt love her (thank goodness) he is just a genuainely nice guy.... things your guys said SOOO reminded me of my guy.

 

Dont base the decision to go or not on one or two phone calls.....when we are tired and stressed we say and do things we may not....

 

your situation is compounded by taking your daughter and with lots of very in depth talks etc going to happen you need to think that thru...

 

if I was you I would go.... when you get there say the sex and romance is off...lets have some fun....spend some time really trying to work out if he is still in love with the ex, with you, or mearly as confused as hell.... You may find once he spends time with you the issue of who he loves clears up

 

At the least take the holiday, will be stressful but at the end you will know where you stand...

 

Good luck....HUGS :)

 

 

Well... I came back from my trip on July 13. Things went great! better than I had expected!! He did seem a bit more down than the last time I saw him. We felt like a couple and I actually got to meet the ex and I didn't feel one bit uncomfortable. i even spent a few whole days with her mother!! They all made me feel very welcomed and her mother (which is my bf's step mother by the way) said that their home is my home and made me feel very very much welcomed. I wasn't as emotionally saddened this time around after leaving though. Maybe it's because I know that I'm returning there now in 3 weeks... or maybe it's because I have my guard up. I don't know. I miss him though and he did make me feel loved... he even kissed me on the forhead in the morning when he awoke thinking that I was still sleeping... he is so sweet!! He is a very very nice man which is why I understand what you mean about your man being nice and genuine to his ex just because. August will be the deal sealer and it's going to let me know which way things will go... because that's when I tell him that he needs to put more effort into this... I will keep you all updated :)

Posted
Well, if you've been keeping up on my posts, you'll know that I am in an LDR with someone I feel is unsure of me.... last night's conversation on the phone with him just confirmed every "gutt" feeling I've been having in the last few weeks that have lead up to this point.

 

A few weeks ago... my LD bf stopped talking to me as frequently as he had been. Going from every night all night to about 20 mins every other or every third night. My intuition told me that he's losing interest -- signs are always obvious it's just that when you're the one whose on the recieving end, it's kind of difficult to see it because you're on the inside looking out and you don't want those signs to really mean anything.

 

Last night he called me and we got to talking about how I'm gonna be there in less than 2 weeks - 12 days to be exact... and because he's been working a lot and because he's been stressed a lot I asked him if he's really gonna be ok with me and my daughter going there. He said yes - and then he said "and plus you've already bought the tickets" which to me sounds like "well I have not other choice because you've already bought the tickets".... and I analyze EVERYTHING so that to me is a red flag.

 

So, he then got to talking about how he's been depressed and he can't really pinpoint what is causing it and that he feels like all he wants to do is runaway and not have contact with anyone he knows so that he wishes he could just stop caring and wants to feel numb to any emotions... etc...

 

So I pried it out of him and asked him if he wants me to back off a little and give him some "space" (even though we live 1200 miles aprt already) he kinda got defensive and said "i don't really think I want you to back off, i don't really know what I want".... so then Pandora's box was opened at that point because he completely spilled his gutts to me - which I completely commend him for because that is a hard thing to do...

 

Here's a shorter version of what he said to me:

 

"I still have love for my ex wife, I am obsessed with her, I had a very deep love for her which makes it hard for me to let anyone else in because she hurt me very very badly, I don't want to lose you but I don't want to let you in (emotionally) either because i fear i will get hurt again, i feel i am in love with you, i feel like now i am pushing you away but i don't want to push you away, i feel like i'm hurting your feelings, i feel it's not fair to you that the actions of another person have caused me to put a guard up, i don't know what i want, i have a very weak spot in my heart for my ex wife which scares me because if you move here and there's a time when she needs a shoulder to cry on - i'm gonna feel bad for my weakness towrds her when i should have a weakness towards you, i feel guilty and bad that i am playing with your emotions... etc..."

 

So... I then asked him if he's even ready for a relationship with me (they've been separated for a year) and he said he wants a realtionship with me but doesn't know what he wants. I told him that he's ALWAYS gonna have a weakness for his ex and he got very mad and said he doesn't want that... he hates that he's got that weakness for her.

 

I just don't really know what to do anymore. Before I even got with him I specifically told him the exact things that he said to me last night. I told him that "I" feel that he's not ready and that "I" feel like HE would hurt ME - not ME hurt HIM - which he is so adament about. I risked alot of things to be able to be with him. I gave up my life - which i was planning to give up anways because my ex was very abusive and my LD bf helped me to leave him... but i gave up and risked almost everything i had in order to be able to be with him. I feel that he is and has played with my emotions... that's not fair to me.

 

What do I do? I don't want to go to see him now in 12 days because it's gonna be awkward and uncomfortable for me. But I have to because it's been paid for - costs $1400!!! A gift that my mother gave to me was to go see him and she paid $1400!!! She knew and knows what I feel for him!! And my poor daughter!! She's 5 but she is so excited to meet my LD bf , she talks to him on the phone all the time and thinks he's a wonderful man!! Little does she know that it's not working out :(

 

Also, I had tickets purchased to see him again in August (only cost me $200 but still) I asked him if he still wants me to see him then too... he said "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

 

I'm lost!! I don't feel sad or mad because I already "knew" this inside of me. I'm more disappointed if anything because of the false hope he put into my head - the AMAZING time we had with one another when I went to see him in April...

 

I had put off looking for an apartment here because I wasn't sure if I was going to move to where he is... but now I am looking. Why am I such a fool??? This is why I don't trust anyone anymore. My abusive ex did it to me - played games with my head and heart - and now my supposedly LD bf is doing it too.

 

So then as I was trying to wrap up our phone conversation, my LD bf asked me if I was mad at him... I said no and that I appreciate him being honest with me at least. He also asked if I'm still gonna come to see him... I said of course (Already paid for non-refundable even though deep down I don't feel my heart is safe to go there) then he asked if I'll still make love to him and i said of course...

 

I need to move on.... friends we have been and friends we will always be, but i just don't think he's EVER gonna let his ex wife go... I think something happened between the two of them to make him act this way all of a sudden.... it's just a shame that it happened AFTER the tickets were purchased.

 

He needs counseling. You do too. And your daughter will soon.

 

The biggest problem : You were a rebound . He used you to get over his ex. He needed you .

 

Second biggest problem : You were a former abuse victim. Not sure what counseling you received but the dead giveaway is a guy hung up on his wife and KNOWING no women wants that kind of baggage but you did. You were lonely and vulnerable. You involved your 5 year old in this mess. She now is attached to the non~attachable wounded husband of the ex wife who went away , off to greener pastures.

 

Third biggest problem : LDR. Very very hard .

 

4th biggest problem : You bought airline tickets. Did you buy cancellation insurance ? I know when you purchased them you had good intentions. But he changed . Going through a whirlwind of emotions.

Of course he wanted the sex. Looks like you gave it to him. You did ALL the work,. You bought the tickets ( or your mom ) you did the travel. He did the receiving of your booty.

 

He was depressed because he never left the ex behind.

 

This is HUGE mistake to move down there. He was there for you but he is NOT your anchor ! He is going to take you down with the ship.

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