hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Ok so I posted a thread a few days ago about some problems my bf and I are having. I want to talk to him about it all but I dont know how to bring it up without him being on the defensive (which is how he usually gets when I try to talk to him). I dont think the he DOESNT love me anymore. I just feel like we are in that "comfortable" state of mind that we dont have to tell each other and we dont have to show each other affection. We have had our differences and I believe he is hesitant about it all because of some dishonest things he has done (he didnt cheat on my physically). He doesnt show any feeling when we argue or something goes wrong. I take that back...he shows anger pretty well. I have taken to not even telling him that I love him anymore because when he says it back, he sounds like he is only saying it because he is obligated to. I guess I feel the need to actually say something now because I have been reading some of the threads in this catagory and I dont want our relationship to end up like some of the ones I have read about. We, by no means, have a sexless relationship but I fear that if things keep going the way they are going, his lack of affection towards me will end up in me losing my desire for him sexually because If there is no emotion in it there is no point. Because I remember the first time we had sex after he had a EA (sorta). He was very affectionate, he held my face and kissed me and it was like actual "making love" and I had to fight back tears. But it hasnt been like that in a while and I think it was only that way because he knew that I was afraid I had lost him. What do I say? Is there anything I can do or is this enevitable after being together for a long period of time?
I am who I am Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Ok so I posted a thread a few days ago about some problems my bf and I are having. Got Link? Because I remember the first time we had sex after he had a EA (sorta). I'm out of the loop... whats EA? Erectile Arousal?
Author hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Got Link? I'm out of the loop... whats EA? Erectile Arousal? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156182/
KinAZ Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Have you heard of a book called The Five Love Languages? It's not a large book, and some of the stuff is pretty basic, but it might be what you're looking for. It basically talks about how people show and expect love to be shown to them in different ways. Also how sometimes we're showing the other person love in the way that we would like to be loved, but it's not what they need specifically. Likewise, a guy could think he's doing enough, but he's not showing it in the way you need him to. And so, in short, one party might request something of the other, and the other might not give it because they're just not feeling very loved either. And so, the book basically asks you to identify what makes you feel loved, what makes the other person feel loved, and instead of telling this guy to do things you've already told him before, start showing him love in the way he needs it. Basically, someone is going to have to step up. If you pull back because he pulls back then it's not going to solve the problem. I might not be doing it any justice in my explanation lol, but it's a pretty neat book and works for more than romantic relationships.
Author hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 No I have never heard of that book, but it just seems to make sense. The sad thing is, is that I am not sure how he needs to be loved. He wants to be able to do things on his own but I have SOME trust issues with him that we are trying to work through. Last weekend was my younger sister's b-day party at a friends house and her friends are kinda wild (drink alot and smoke pot) well she wanted me there with her and He didnt want to go so he asked if it would be ok if he could go out with his best friend and I go, so I did. (but I took a few of my friends with me) I was home by 12:40am and he didnt get back until 3:30am (even though he said he would be in by 1). I am not saying that he is cheating on me, or anything but thats what he wants to be able to do. He wants to do things on his own and me not question him (because I didnt) but when I step back and let him do things like that, he over steps the line. It has only been 4 months since his EA and he isnt happy because I havent gained full trust for him. Maybe I shouldnt be with him (which is what I have been told in the past) but I love him and I cant help that, I just dont want to walk away not knowing if there was something I could do to save our relationship.
KinAZ Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Well as far as the ways are concerned, there's: Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. The book says that if you've told a man a billion times what you like and don't like he already knows, so don't tell him anymore. LOL And then from there, as best as I can describe it, you want to judge what he has responded best to over time. The things he seems to like and appreciate most. Which of the 5 seem to have made him the happiest. For instance, I'm not much of an ego-stroker. I've never showered an ex with much flattery, as it's not a huge deal to me. After I read this book, I paid my ex some honest compliments and he lit up light a Christmas tree. And all that time, it never made sense to me how he could have questioned my feelings for him. The other thing, he had a problem with me not initiating sexual contact. Once you get comfortable with one another, you just figure the guy is gonna roll over on you when he wants some. LOL Although it's pretty basic, I didn't realize that he NEEDED me to show him love by initiating physical contact or saying nice things the way he did. I could care less about those things compared to acts of service. I don't need a man to tell me I'm pretty or that he likes my hair. LOL I don't need a man to say "I love you" at least once a week. Acts of service... doing things for me, shows me better than words ever could. Get the book, girl. Even if you decide not to stay with this guy, it's worth the read. You say that you don't know, but once you read it and think about it a bit, it'll come to you.
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Maybe I shouldnt be with him (which is what I have been told in the past) but I love him and I cant help that, I just dont want to walk away not knowing if there was something I could do to save our relationship. Yes there is something you can do, walk away. If that does not save your relationship it will at least save you. Of course it will be hard and of course it will hurt and create anxiety not knowing if he will come back to you, but clearly things are not going to get better at his side. You forgave him and he is certain that you are willing to do anything to keep him there, this kills the attraction, which I may add was already flailing for him since he had an EA. Nothing puts things into perspective more than having the rug ripped from right under you. I just don't think you can win him over by staying put and waiting for him to come around. He has proven to you by his actions that this doesn't work. I understand you love him but one sided love is not enough Hotpink, you need reciprocation otherwise you would not be here sharing your concerns with us. All the signs show that he is hanging on to the rel because it is comfortable but he clearly is not respecting your boundaries or needs or even giving his fair part to nurture love. You need to think about this with a cold head and not so much with your heart. It's good to love someone with all your might and with all your being but not when you are the only doing all the work.
Author hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I have left. When I found out about the EA, I left and went to my mom's he begged for me to come back. He promised we would work through it. Which we are but I am still not as comfortable as he thinks I should be with everything just yet. I was never the kind of person that NEEDED someone to say I LOVE YOU or to tell me that I was pretty, or stroke my ego. But after what he had done, it made me feel like I wasnt and he used to tell me these things. Thats where my questions lye, either he doesnt do these things because we are too COMFORTABLE with each other that we dont or he doesnt feel this way about me anymore. I feel like I need to explain these things to him and pending his reaction I will know what I need to do. But I dont know how to go about it.
Tomcat33 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I I was never the kind of person that NEEDED someone to say I LOVE YOU or to tell me that I was pretty, or stroke my ego. But after what he had done, it made me feel like I wasnt and he used to tell me these things. Thats where my questions lye, either he doesnt do these things because we are too COMFORTABLE with each other that we dont or he doesnt feel this way about me anymore. . How could you not NEED for your partner to tell you he loves you? And how could you not need for him to remind you of how attractive he finds you, or even that he keep his word when he says I'll be home soon and not 4 hrs later? These are basic needs we all have in a relationship. If he used to do these things before then clearly he is capable of doing them again. If he is not doing them it's because he is not feeling them. Have you sat down with him and expressed how you feel in a non threatening and loving way? If you have and still no show of improvement you really only have to options: continue on like this and hope that things will change magically or send him a message that he can understand loud and clear, "I love you but I cannot stay with you like this and with such little effort on your part, therefore I need to move on" It's easy to beg someone to take you back and to make verbal promises of what you feel and what you plan to do to make things work, but if you can't put your words to action then a verbal promise is nothing more than dribble. No amount of talk will make him do something he is not feeling to do, and just like his words are not good enough and you expect actions from him, the same goes for him. Your words are not good enough, but if you show him in actions you are not going to stand for this the message will be loud and clear. Is there something he needs from you that you feel you might not be giving him?
Author hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Well in the begining of our relationship I had lots of friends (guys and girls) and they are friends of mine for years. Before my BF we all were inseperable, and it wasnt until after we were together a while, and moved in together that this became a problem, and he told me that he wanted to spend more time with ME. Well I agreed that I went out too much and didnt invite him along (because he never showed interest in the things we did). Well now here I am 4 yrs later blaming his actions on my previous behaviour. We were also almost parents until I had a miscarriage at 4 months along (I am RH neg) and after that I had gained weight that I am struggling to get rid of and I felt insecure so I refused to be intimate for about 4-5 weeks because I didnt want to be touched. I didnt tell him why I felt this way simply because he never asked. but when he finally did come to me, he thought it was because I was having an affair. I explained it to him and he got upset. Ever since then I have been nothing but loving and thoughtful to him and when I found out about his EA with a girl at work, everything changed. I wanted to know where he was all the time. I didnt like him texting ppl (because thats what he was doing with her while I was around) I wasnt comfortable with anything and I feel like I have come around alot. I make sure that he has anything he needs dinner, clean clothes, Anything special he might want (because I want to show him that I care) I just dont say I LOVE YOU anymore because like I said, He will say it back in what seems like he is saying it out of Obligation. No I havent expressed how I feel before. I want to know how I need to approach him since he feels like everytime I want to talk about US I am trying to question him (since thats what I did for a little while after the EA). I dont want him to feel that way, and I want to atleast try, but I dont know how to go about expressing how I feel.
KinAZ Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I have left. When I found out about the EA, I left and went to my mom's he begged for me to come back. He promised we would work through it. Which we are but I am still not as comfortable as he thinks I should be with everything just yet. I was never the kind of person that NEEDED someone to say I LOVE YOU or to tell me that I was pretty, or stroke my ego. But after what he had done, it made me feel like I wasnt and he used to tell me these things. Thats where my questions lye, either he doesnt do these things because we are too COMFORTABLE with each other that we dont or he doesnt feel this way about me anymore. I feel like I need to explain these things to him and pending his reaction I will know what I need to do. But I dont know how to go about it. If he's not doing it anymore, then it could be that he doesn't feel as strongly OR... it could just be that you're not doing something you used to do. Maybe if he knows that you still don't totally trust him anymore, and certain behaviors have changed, then his behavior would naturally change as well. And honestly, just from experience, there are some things that people don't need to be told. They do them because they want to do them. BUT, even if he isn't as motivated to do those same things anymore... that doesn't mean he doesn't love you still. I'm not in your relationship, so I can't tell you what the situation is. But, sometimes, just putting things into words isn't going to get it, and sometimes asking questions again isn't going to get you all the answers. Some time ago, I saw my ex-husband ONCE while I was broken up with my ex. My ex asked me honestly, and I told him honestly, but he could not deal with it, and felt threatened by it. And even though he went through the trouble of laying down all the ground work for us to start anew, his behavior towards me had changed! After awhile of dealing with it, mine changed as well. Things weren't the same and so I just walked away. I'm not saying you're doing this, but I think it's worth considering the possibility. I could accept that what happened made him feel threatened and insecure, I tried as best I could to give him reassurance, but there's nothing I can do to force him to stop worrying about my ex-husband. That's something he had to come to terms with and find a way to deal with, something that we would have to work through together if he was mature enough and ready to look for a real solution. But you can't agree to get back together in a relationship, but haven't completely forgiven him, haven't completely gotten over it, don't treat the man the same, and expect him to be the same. Again, I'm not saying this is the situation you're in, but if it's a possibility that could be the root of the problem.
Author hotpinklove85 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I completely understand where you are coming from, and if I am treating him differently I dont know it. Thats something that I want to ask him. Honestly, I have forgiven him for what he did to me, and I belive we can get past it, or else I would not have come back. Maybe everyone is right, like I said, Maybe I should move on. I just feel like I want to try and make one last effort to discuss it so that I can make my decission on what I need to do. I want to know if its something that I am doing wrong. He says that I have changed since we have been together and yes I have, I was 19 carefree no responsibilities and I am now 23 with bills so I cant stay out late because I work everyday. I have obligations and he says that I act "old" because of these things. Because if we go to dinner with friends and its like 10pm and he wants to go back to their house and play cards or something and I say...no I think we should go home, we have to work tomorrow. I appreciate all of the feedback, I guess I just need a little condfidence to be able to approach him in a non-aggresive way that way he doesnt automatically jump on the defense.
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