Archaeopteryx Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I'm horribly confused right now and need a good place to vent... I've been with my wife for 9 years (married for 2). We have two children, 4 and 2 years old. We met in high school, and began dating when I was 16... immediately after breaking up with my psychotic ex-girlfriend (emotionally abusive, cruel). My wife had been "crushing" on me, and I was aware but not that interested... but we dated anyway. I spent a lot of time with her out of the house, probably mostly to avoid my parents, but that's hard to say definitively, looking back... We moved in together when I was 18, and we had a very tenuous household... I had suffered from major depression and generalized anxiety, and caused her no end of grief with it... I lost jobs, I stayed alone most of the time... that type of thing. Only, she was never supportive of me... She screamed at me and blamed me when I felt overwhelmed by a job... I knew her sense of security was threatened, but I really had some serious issues... I didn't WANT to not work, I COULDN'T work (or leave the house at some points). She got pregnant, told me amidst tears... 29 weeks later we lost the baby... I couldn't bear being at the hospital the whole time she was on bed rest... I made sure to visit every day, but I admittedly didn't stay more than a couple hours each time... her family was there, and I wasn't dealing with the situation well... She still blames me for that, and I can only partially understand... on the anniversary of her death, we talked and cried, and I thought we both finally understood each other, but apparently not well enough to forgive... Between then and our next child, my parents went through a divorce, my mom leaving my dad after 25+ years of marriage. I knew they never got along well, and wasn't incredibly surprised... just kinda numb. For nearly the entirety of our relationship, we have been friends with a dating-then-married couple. We were all very close, spending almost every day together. 3 years ago, they had some escalating marital difficulty, and I ended up falling in love with the now-separated wife. We had our few months of happiness before getting caught, and I ended up lacking the fortitude to leave my future-wife, even though I had admitted I didn't love her. She begged me to stay and begged for things to work out, and I couldn't bear breaking her heart... even while knowing that we just weren't right for each other... Less than 6 months later, we got married... I think largely due to guilt on my part... I now had two beautiful daughters, and I thought everything would work itself out... Now, 3 years later, we are friend with the same married couple (who got divorced, then remarried), and I'm again cheating on my wife with her. I try to force myself to remember that infatuation is not love, and ask myself constantly whether this is as real as it feels... I think it is, but it scares me too... My wife and I have different goals, different desires... different attitudes, different personalities... we make each other unhappy, though she refuses to admit it. I tried to talk the divorce talk with her tonight, but she cried and screamed and begged until I gave in to "one more marriage counseling appointment". Now I hate myself for agreeing, because I feel like I'm only prolonging the inevitable. I don't want to hurt my wife, but I do not want to be in the relationship with her anymore either. She and I simply disagree on too many things to ever have a chance... we fight if we talk at all, and the sex died years ago... (I stopped asking her for it, after she made sex a "reward" for me doing housework). I don't understand why she begs and cries and threatens to kill herself over me now, when she never even noticed if I had shaved or not for a week+ at a time... She still blames me for everything, but she begs me not to leave... I love my kids with all my heart, and I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to be involved with an anger-filled person I never shared any common interests with... I know a common question to ask a "potentially-soon-to-be-ex" is "would we be friends if we weren't married?" And I can answer that with a definite NO. We literally have almost nothing in common... she wants to watch TV for entertainment, but ignores me in everything I do... I played in a band for over 6 months, practicing twice a week, and she could only name one song that we played... I fell into the trap of trying to "force" her into taking an interest in what I was doing... but then I grew resentful when she simply was NOT interested... I just don't know what to do... the love of my life is back in my life again, and my wife won't let me go... The "other woman" is actually sleeping in my den room right now, after having moved out of her husband's house... she expresses the same desire to be together that I do... and we both feel like we're a perfect match for each other... I know the situation is overly complex and convoluted... but I do feel like this "other woman" is my soulmate... We've talked and communicated and agreed on more in the last 3 months than I ever have with my wife... I feel like I've been given one more opportunity for true happiness in a relationship, so long as I have the guts to make the difficult decisions... What do I do?
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I'm horribly confused right now and need a good place to vent... I've been with my wife for 9 years (married for 2). We have two children, 4 and 2 years old. We met in high school, and began dating when I was 16... immediately after breaking up with my psychotic ex-girlfriend (emotionally abusive, cruel). My wife had been "crushing" on me, and I was aware but not that interested... but we dated anyway. I spent a lot of time with her out of the house, probably mostly to avoid my parents, but that's hard to say definitively, looking back... We moved in together when I was 18, and we had a very tenuous household... I had suffered from major depression and generalized anxiety, and caused her no end of grief with it... I lost jobs, I stayed alone most of the time... that type of thing. Only, she was never supportive of me... She screamed at me and blamed me when I felt overwhelmed by a job... I knew her sense of security was threatened, but I really had some serious issues... I didn't WANT to not work, I COULDN'T work (or leave the house at some points). She got pregnant, told me amidst tears... 29 weeks later we lost the baby... I couldn't bear being at the hospital the whole time she was on bed rest... I made sure to visit every day, but I admittedly didn't stay more than a couple hours each time... her family was there, and I wasn't dealing with the situation well... She still blames me for that, and I can only partially understand... on the anniversary of her death, we talked and cried, and I thought we both finally understood each other, but apparently not well enough to forgive... Between then and our next child, my parents went through a divorce, my mom leaving my dad after 25+ years of marriage. I knew they never got along well, and wasn't incredibly surprised... just kinda numb. For nearly the entirety of our relationship, we have been friends with a dating-then-married couple. We were all very close, spending almost every day together. 3 years ago, they had some escalating marital difficulty, and I ended up falling in love with the now-separated wife. We had our few months of happiness before getting caught, and I ended up lacking the fortitude to leave my future-wife, even though I had admitted I didn't love her. She begged me to stay and begged for things to work out, and I couldn't bear breaking her heart... even while knowing that we just weren't right for each other... Less than 6 months later, we got married... I think largely due to guilt on my part... I now had two beautiful daughters, and I thought everything would work itself out... Now, 3 years later, we are friend with the same married couple (who got divorced, then remarried), and I'm again cheating on my wife with her. I try to force myself to remember that infatuation is not love, and ask myself constantly whether this is as real as it feels... I think it is, but it scares me too... My wife and I have different goals, different desires... different attitudes, different personalities... we make each other unhappy, though she refuses to admit it. I tried to talk the divorce talk with her tonight, but she cried and screamed and begged until I gave in to "one more marriage counseling appointment". Now I hate myself for agreeing, because I feel like I'm only prolonging the inevitable. I don't want to hurt my wife, but I do not want to be in the relationship with her anymore either. She and I simply disagree on too many things to ever have a chance... we fight if we talk at all, and the sex died years ago... (I stopped asking her for it, after she made sex a "reward" for me doing housework). I don't understand why she begs and cries and threatens to kill herself over me now, when she never even noticed if I had shaved or not for a week+ at a time... She still blames me for everything, but she begs me not to leave... I love my kids with all my heart, and I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to be involved with an anger-filled person I never shared any common interests with... I know a common question to ask a "potentially-soon-to-be-ex" is "would we be friends if we weren't married?" And I can answer that with a definite NO. We literally have almost nothing in common... she wants to watch TV for entertainment, but ignores me in everything I do... I played in a band for over 6 months, practicing twice a week, and she could only name one song that we played... I fell into the trap of trying to "force" her into taking an interest in what I was doing... but then I grew resentful when she simply was NOT interested... I just don't know what to do... the love of my life is back in my life again, and my wife won't let me go... The "other woman" is actually sleeping in my den room right now, after having moved out of her husband's house... she expresses the same desire to be together that I do... and we both feel like we're a perfect match for each other... I know the situation is overly complex and convoluted... but I do feel like this "other woman" is my soulmate... We've talked and communicated and agreed on more in the last 3 months than I ever have with my wife... I feel like I've been given one more opportunity for true happiness in a relationship, so long as I have the guts to make the difficult decisions... What do I do? I highly doubt you are in any situation to make a rational or reasonable decision to save the marriage. I'd definitely suggest ending your extra marital affair first. As far as your marriage, how can you work on something that you have completely given up on? That's completely unfair to your wife. It doesn't matter if she's begging or screaming or crying. That's desperation and codependence speaking. You'd be doing her a favor by leaving her. Be honest with your wife about the way you feel. Stop pretending is the first step.
Billy Bob Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 You got married too young.. You aren't in-love with your wife, she's probably not in-love with you, but she is co-dependant. You're in your second affair with the OW and she's living in your home.. Get a divorce. Let your wife meet someone and be happy. You two obviously aren't in any sort of healthy relationship.. in fact you have been together since you were 16! You never got the chance to figure out what you want out of a relationship..
Nomad1 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If that is how you feel, let her go. Be decisive and tell her about the OW. That will help her move on. It may be difficult at first, but she'll be fine. And don't try to be her friend. That never works. Nomad1
Author Archaeopteryx Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I hate to add to the already large mess, but... We fought again last night, and she ended up begging, screaming, and crying... I finally agreed to go to "one more" marriage counseling appointment, just so she'd stop threatening to kill herself... Am I doomed to have this fight over and over again? If she's going to be this unstable, I don't want to leave her with the kids... How can I talk to her about this rationally without the hysterics? I don't feel like she's in love with me either, but she thinks she is... I'm sick of being "bullied" into doing what she wants so that she doesn't feel bad... And the OW is a guest of my wife's, not mine... I truly believe she's the one for me... I just lacked the confidence to ever pursue her before... but whether or not that's the case, I think the relationship would be better off over... I'm just at a loss...
TrustInYourself Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I hate to add to the already large mess, but... We fought again last night, and she ended up begging, screaming, and crying... I finally agreed to go to "one more" marriage counseling appointment, just so she'd stop threatening to kill herself... Am I doomed to have this fight over and over again? If she's going to be this unstable, I don't want to leave her with the kids... How can I talk to her about this rationally without the hysterics? I don't feel like she's in love with me either, but she thinks she is... I'm sick of being "bullied" into doing what she wants so that she doesn't feel bad... And the OW is a guest of my wife's, not mine... I truly believe she's the one for me... I just lacked the confidence to ever pursue her before... but whether or not that's the case, I think the relationship would be better off over... I'm just at a loss... She's using hysterics because it's worked in the past. It's an act. She's in pain just as you are in pain. Be a man, look her in the eye next time and tell her to face reality. You are both unhappy. You need time to evaluate the marriage. She needs time to think about the marriage. Be prepared mentally. She will go from anger to hysteria to anger to sadness. This is all normal. Just push on through and tell her you are past the point of working things out. That simple. I'd be ready to move out right after the conversation. As I said be prepared.
FloraPost Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I'm sorry but this was just a bit much for me. "It's an act." Wow. I've been suicidal myself once and believe you me, it was anything but an act. How do you know his wife is just faking it to manipulate him? When you are a wife and have had children with a man and he is unfaithful, just like when a woman does the same to a man, sometimes it DOES actually put the persona into enough of an emotional crisis that they do attempt and sometimes achieve suicide. Or murder. Read the papers? In my home, there are a few things that are taken seriously. If she threatens suicide, take her to the hospital or call the police. To me, it is like saying "Bomb" in an airport. Can't take the risk and can't let it become a manipulation. I'm not meaning to be harsh but to assume she's just acting... Yikes!
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