iain Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 My Fiance has recently left me, 1 week ago today. She hasn't given me the details as to why, just a number of personal issues I was aware of (sick relative, work stress, engagement itself, depression and anti-depressant medication, family asking for a bank loan - again, the list goes on.) However it seems the only problem on the list she can control and run away from is me. So she's moved out, no notice, we've only been in Dubai a year together and 4 years before in the UK. She says it's nothing I've done to make her leave and one second she can think of nothing better than marrying me, settling down etc... and the next moment she feels she has to get out, get away and start again and not have regrets. I'm trying to give her NC but it's very difficult knowing I (supposedly) haven't done anything wrong and I guess my question to you people is this... should I call her and arrange a time to meet and sit down and chat, no arguments (i never argue anyways) so she can try and explain it all to me and I can feel like I'm getting some closure? Or should I stay strong, try NC forever and see if she ever reaches out to me?
Geishawhelk Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I'm a woman, so I'm not trying to be disloyal to my 'sister' but she's the one with the problem, not you... I think that there is much in her life she feels she can't control, and as you say, the only thing she feels she can exert any influence over, is you. The question for you is - How far are you prepared to let that happen? Because you know, you let this slide once, and she'll always do it. This was her choice. her decision. Of her making. Let her dig herself out of the hole. Let her do the running, because it's all very well having situations she can't control elsewhere, but when you try to do this with the affections and kindness of another person, that's when the line is crossed. I think she herself may need help with establishing her own boundaries and knowing when enough is enough, in other areas, and how to say 'No' to others (family asking for loan....) If she also suffers from depression, there is a degree of personal mental confusion and she really may not know her own mind.... And I don't mean that disparagingly.... I'd wait. I'd wait and see what she comes up with, because all she may need is a bit of space.... If she comes back to you, it may be an indication she needs some support, so I would suggest seeing a professional to her, about counselling and managing her depression. If she DOESN'T come back to you.... it might be an opportune time to let go, and realise that in this case, this kind of freedom is better for you.
Author iain Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Thanks for such a quick reply and to be so honest with your opinion. I did call her (my own weakness) and we spoke about me needing answers for closure which she responded "I owe that to you but I don't think I can answer most of the questions you have myself, I've acted like I always do in hard situations, spontaneously, and I haven't had the time to think things through. So I don't know if it's extreme wedding jitters or something more" Anyways, after reading your message I text her back saying it's OK not to have the answers just now. When she feels she does, contact me and let me know. And my door is always open if she needs help. I know after tonight, if we do meet, her answers won't be sufficient, and I'm not sure if any answers will help me anyways. I love this site since I found it and I intend to use it during those dark hours in the days ahead. Thank you for caring and I'll do my best to support others in similar situations!
ate_the_paint Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 geisha is right. Your fiance made the decision to go so she'll have to be the one to make the decision to talk. It sounds like you're a caring guy. The first couple of weeks are hard places to be in and when you care a lot it hurts more. Keep your chin up. The advice on LS has been helping me as it does lots of people. Read through some stuff. Let her be the one to figure out her own life because that's what she's asking for. Good luck. Try to do your own thing for a while and keep us posted!
critter909 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I'm very interested to see how this plays out. My bf left for various reasons (he says) but really because his life was a complete mess due to alcoholism. Just like in your case, I was the one situation he could control, he says it's part of him making changes. I am giving him space also because that's what he asked for and I said I would oblige. Keep us updated, like I said I'm very interested to see how this works out for you.
Geishawhelk Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 (Thanks for your input, but you need to hold the 'shift' key for a bit more impact......!!!! )
ate_the_paint Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 (Thanks for your input, but you need to hold the 'shift' key for a bit more impact......!!!! ) LOL:laugh:
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 "I owe that to you but I don't think I can answer most of the questions you have myself, I've acted like I always do in hard situations, spontaneously, and I haven't had the time to think things through. So I don't know if it's extreme wedding jitters or something more" Acting without taking the time to think things through (or even knowing why you’re doing it) is not “spontaneity” ... it’s recklessness. Especially when you’re still completely indifferent to the heart you just squashed under your heal while running for the exit. So she’s dealing with some stress. Welcome to the adult world. But if this is any indication of how she handles herself in “hard situations”, than it doesn’t take much of a stretch to imagine how she’d deal with the ups and downs of married life if you had been unlucky enough to get her down the aisle. She may have done you, and any potential children you may have had together, a greater kindness by exiting your lives now rather than waiting until your family depended on her most. While I know it feels like you just took a bullet to the heart, it seems you’ve actually dodged one. I think you would have ended up sadly disappointed in this relationship one way or another. You just took a quicker detour to the inevitable end and spared yourself one or two more years of suffering. No sense in keeping that door open to someone who is ... by both action and admission ... reckless, irresponsible, undependable and wishy-washy. You’d only be welcoming back more of the same.
Geishawhelk Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 iain I have to say it, Enigma really has it pretty much square on the nail. "Gentle" as I was in my post earlier on, I pointed out your GF was the one with the problem. Now enigma's really painted it like it is. 'Reckless' is pretty much accurate, I figure. TBH, I'm astonished you're really not a whole lot angrier than you are. You have every right to be. In fact, maybe it's about bloody time you really did show her your anger, and how insufferably selfish she is being. It might give her the short, sharp shock she could perhaps do with. OK I'm done. Fer now..........
Author iain Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 OK so I just packed up the last of her stuff for tomorrow, the rest was done by her, but I need it out or I'm about to go postal! I have a few choices, 1.leave he stuff in bin bags by the door , 2. leave her stuff in binbags with a note saying I miss her and to contact me when she knows thats going on, or 3. give her the truth, that she has behaved recklessly and I feel unimportant to her own needs... But the reality is, I still love her, she's still my fiance, and until I want to see otherwise all I try to do is my best to make things right and get back together.
df273 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 go with #1... she knows you miss her and she knows how to contact you... don't be mean like she way either... leave her **** at the door and let her be for now.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Get the back, and tell her to peace out! plain and simple. Closure doesnt always come, you need to accept that. Closure is when you accept the fact that she left. She had issues you couldnt fix and she probably did you a favor. There's other women out here that will stand for you. Forget the ex. She isnt worth it.
Author iain Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 Well I'll keep you updated on how things pan out... she picked up her stuff, I was out the house and dropped the key in the plant pot, took everything and left not even a note saying thanks or bye. And not even the right amount of money she owed me! Now, Day1 NC....
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