Tangerina Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 So, for the first time I'm dating someone I really like, who is actually a good and kind person who is interesting and independent and all that other great stuff. I'm really happy. He'll be the first to admit that he isn't the life of the party, and I definitely observe that he is shy at first when he is getting to know people and then is very animated with people that he is comfortable with, but he is generally friendly and easy, if a bit quiet. I mean, he and I talk and talk and talk, but I just don't expect him to be that way with all my friends after just 2.5 months, though he has bonded more with some than others and we all do stuff together. So, we all went out last night and tonight my best friend brings up to me that "everyone" felt like he was being condescending in the conversation we were having because he kept rolling his eyes at them. I did notice he was being a bit competitive (we were playing a trivia game at a bar,) but nothing mean or over the top or anything. OK, three weird background points: -My best friend admits that the thing she is most sensitive to is people being condescending to her, to the point where she sees it when it isn't there. -My boyfriend once told me "I roll my eyes too much for no reason, please tell me if I'm doing it so I'll stop." -My best friend decided that my last boyfriend was condescending (he kind of was, but had other good qualities) which really impacted our friendship because I never felt like we could all hang out together. Come to think of it, I've never dated someone who got along great with my friends and it really really hurts to think that my friends wouldn't like the first really really good guy I've been with. For the record, he likes them. So seriously I know my boyfriend wasn't trying to be mean and that my friend was being oversensitive, and she and I had a pretty good talk about it and I think she understands that it wasn't mean spirited, but now I feel that I'm in a really weird position where even though it isn't my responsibility to make sure he makes everyone super happy every second, I almost feel like it has been put on my shoulders to make sure he is super socially perfect. There is also the issue that I feel resentful because it was the first time we were out with a new friend and I don't think he noticed anything himself but now his first impression of my boyfriend is my friend trying to get everyone to agree that he was being mean (because I am pretty sure it was her getting others to agree they noticed it too.) And there's the issue that even if he was not being mean spirited his mannerisms still made people feel like he was being unfriendly, which is a big problem. I talked to my sister about it and she thinks that my friends should be used to the fact that he is a little awkward but fundamentally super nice and a good person and not be so sensitive, and after explaining to my best friend that "no, he really doesn't think you're dumb" she pretty much backed off, but I guess my question is now whether I should say anything to him about how he made people uncomfortable (especially since we play trivia every week) or if it is between them to work out how they want to feel about each other... cuz they're grown-ups and I'm not their mom. I just feel weird because it was brought up to me, and because I'm super afraid of ending up yet again in a situation where I feel like I have to keep my friendships and lovelife separate. Even if it is just my friends being too sensitive it doesn't make it not a real dilemma. SIGH!
Keridan Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I would warn him that your friend is being sensitive in this area and tell him you want them to get along well so could he please be careful with her for your sake. My guess is he'll be fine and she will get over it. You didn't describe him as arrogant, so it is likely just a matter of clarifying a small thing. Don't worry about the new guy. When you are getting to know people, you usually learn quickly what dynamics in the friendships to ignore. They will either get along or not on their own. Good luck to ya!
Leia Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Your friend should work on her over-sensitiveness and your boyfriend should try not to roll his eyes for no reason.
imbewildered Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Your friend should work on her over-sensitiveness and your boyfriend should try not to roll his eyes for no reason. Gee, that is what a man would advise - well said ! However if you have aspirations to be an honorary guy, we would object because from your photo you would not pass the Physical .. Ha ha !
Author Tangerina Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Thanks all (especially Keridan, that's spot on.) It seems like a silly inconsequential situation, but believe me there is a lot of baggage behind it. Now that I've thought more about it I think the reason I felt so bothered is that, knowing the people involved, I'm relatively sure it was my one friend (B) getting everyone else to agree with her. I think my other friends did notice it too, but if for instance J didn't cause a big fit when our other friend got drunk and kept hitting on her, I really doubt she bothered to more than notice my boyfriend rolling his eyes. When B told me about how "everyone" felt, she mentioned that people secretly didn't want to go to the next bar with us along, which is almost exclusively something she would come up with cuz the others aren't the type to care that much. So yeah, I feel like my friends were turned against my boyfriend and that feels like crap.
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