ohwhyme Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Hello. My ex broke up with me for some other guy. We had a long distance relationship for a little longer than a year. I came to visit over the summer and then saw my family etc. I have been doing no contact for a month. I deleted her on facebook. She wrote me an email asking me if this means we are not friends in any way. I'm not sure if I can be friends with her, I mean we usually never talked before we were dating either. I'm not sure if its worth being friends after a break up especially how she found someone else so quickly. I felt kind of like all the time we spent together meant nothing. I don't see why I should give friendship a chance when she didn't give me a chance. Any ideas? I'm on the fence here. I loved her and she hurt me.
Abomination Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I think you mention a very valid point. She's not very deserving of your friendship if she mistreated you like that. If you DO decide to stay friends, prepare to feel like crap. If you had an intimate relationship with her, and then all of a sudden you have to restrain yourself and think of her as a friend only, things can become difficult. I'd say stay away from her, live your own life. Find someone who doesn't take you for granted, and you'll be much happier. - A
Author ohwhyme Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 yea its one of those decisions where you don't know what would have happened. Like if I choose never to talk to her again, I'll be wondering if I could have gotten back with her. And yea we were pretty intimate so it was kind of awkward to see her for the last time. She said she wasn't seeing anyone and then she suddenly got a boyfriend or whatever. I've gotten used to it. Doesn't make me want to get into another relationship. People just come and go like that.
sparktonSS Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Hello. My ex broke up with me for some other guy. We had a long distance relationship for a little longer than a year. I came to visit over the summer and then saw my family etc. I have been doing no contact for a month. I deleted her on facebook. She wrote me an email asking me if this means we are not friends in any way. I'm not sure if I can be friends with her, I mean we usually never talked before we were dating either. I'm not sure if its worth being friends after a break up especially how she found someone else so quickly. I felt kind of like all the time we spent together meant nothing. I don't see why I should give friendship a chance when she didn't give me a chance. Any ideas? I'm on the fence here. I loved her and she hurt me. No friendship.
Tripper Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I never understand why women want to be "friends" after they end a relationship... Lemmee see... dumping my @$$ for another guy doesn't seem like a very "friendly" thing to do. Friends??? Nawh... don't think so...
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 You don't owe her anything, particularly friendship right now. Until both of you are completely indifferent, friendship will only prolong your pain. I would tell her that there's zero gain for you, to be her friend. At this point in time, it's pretty selfish of her to even suggest it.
stolenheart123 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I would suggest no friendship until you have healed. My ex and I broke up earlier this year, and I tried to remain friends with her, but it only left me hanging on to the belief that we would reconcile. I begged and pleaded with her, we did get back together but that was short lived. Friendships can set you back especially if the other person has moved on.
Author ohwhyme Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Anyways thanks for the help guys. Guess I've found my answer. Don't know how I'll cope with all this though.
chrisanderson Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Anyways thanks for the help guys. Guess I've found my answer. Don't know how I'll cope with all this though. It's gonna be tough man but don't give her the pleasure of being friends. She wants the best of both worlds. Just ignore all of her contact attempts and try your best to move on. I'm in the same boat man. My fiance left me for another man but I refuse to let her have any part of my life. I hope you do the same. Good luck
Author ohwhyme Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I'm sorry to hear that man. Its hard to just move on when you were you've been together for a while. I mean nothing was wrong and then suddenly all this happened. I learned that at any given moment, **** happens. But I know one thing is that working out has been a lot easier when your pissed off.
alialui Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Don't think what you had with her meant nothing to her, only because she got a new boyfriend quickly. Sometimes, people meet someone special very quickly, whereas others meet their next lovers in a while. She was in a relationship with you and I'm sure that you meant alot to her, but just you guys were not a perfect match and someone better is waiting for you. She suggested friendship not out of selfishness, but because she was sorry that she broke your heart. She loved you once and residual feelings would be still there and she would care about you even though it's a different feeling from wanting to keep being in a relationship with you. remember, she left you, not because you are not good enough, but because she noticed that she didn't really fit you right in some ways. You'll meet someone who's a perfet fit for you. focus on your life. Be nice to her and tell her that it is not a good idea for exs to remain frineds in most of cases and you want to move on. She would understand. Good luck:bunny::bunny:
Author ohwhyme Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 so how did you guys move on? I still have dreams about her and stuff. It kind of sucks. Some days are better than others. But she comes up a lot and lots of stuff remind me of her.
Author ohwhyme Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I guess I'll just ignore her, I don't want to give her the chance of friendship because it might become something later. I don't want to be the last resort guy.
Abomination Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I guess I'll just ignore her, I don't want to give her the chance of friendship because it might become something later. I don't want to be the last resort guy. Right on the money, bro.
alialui Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 first, be realistic about the situation and keep telling yourself that it's over and it's waste of time and energy if you keep looking back. SHE IS GONE. and that's nice, because she left you because someone better is waiting for you. second, wallowing for several days is okay, but more than several days of wallowing will giva you a depression. stop listening to sad songs which make you cry. Instead, listen to happy songs about being in love and have a faith that you will meet someone who'll make you feel loved like that. oh, stop watching sad breakup movies nor second chance movies. rather watch something unrelated to love such as action movies or something thirdly, it's the best time to have fun with your family and friends. go to every family get together, attend your cousins' and friends' weddings. who know? you will get the cutest bridemaid there;) forthly, try to stop thinking about her. this is the hardest part. If the anger against her keeps bugging you, try to forgive her. Forgive her because YOU ARE BETTER THAN HER. She hurt you, but you are a better person than her, so you won't get back at her, but rather you'll forgive her and won't waste your energy hating her. instead, use your energy on something useful such as work, new gf, or family. some comment about rebound: if you date someone just to date someone, it will backfire. that would just remind you of how much you still love her. Actively find someone you can have good chemistry with and when you finally find one, you don't even try to move on 'cuz you are too busy to be happy with her:) first week, and first month is the hardest part. but you won't feel that way forever unless you keep having wishful thinkings of getting back together or hating her. Hatred won't bring any good to you. that is going to make it hard for you to trust your next lover who deserves your trust, and undermine your soul. I know it's hard to forgive someone who dumped you for another guy, but YOU ARE BETTER THAN HER IF YOU CAN FORGIVE HER. I hope everything works out well:)
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 By jove I think he's got it!!! She hasnt contacted you because she would look stupid in basically going back to the guy she dumped for another man. She doesnt want to eat crow. I would slam it through your thick foggy head what she did to you and make sure you dont forget she abandoned you and left you and belittled you. Just because that was her choice. She erased you from her life like you was nothing!!! Now take that realization in and think about it. Why would you want to go back? Why would you accept that? Why would you feel that she would want to be back with you? You should remember what she did and never forget it!!!! Let it fuel you that she betrayed and abandoned you. Use that to fuel you to be better on your own. Without her. She was right your not made for each other and she made that loud an clear with her actions! Where's your anger? where's your fire! Man up! and demand better, because you deserve it. You as a good man should not be number two to anyone. Dont let her use you again!
iain Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 What chrome has said is brutal and aggressive but true... but i also think life isn't black and white when you're in these situations and it's never going to be till you're a long way down the line. No need for anger, every time I got angry I've regretted it, but be clear and bold. Take your time and space and put you first. Don't visit the area till you think you're ready
Author ohwhyme Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I'm trying to think from both sides here. But if one were to think like this, then surely two people who have dated would never get back together again? I've kept myself busy and just improving myself. I think its foolish to just rush into another relationship especially when its my first love. I guess you have to take it one day at a time. I really recommend the gym for someone who has a lot of anger from relationships eh. What do I do with her stuff as in shes given me etc, pictures? Throw it out? Keep it? oh and thanks for everyones input.
ate_the_paint Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 What do I do with her stuff as in shes given me etc, pictures? Throw it out? Keep it? oh and thanks for everyones input. Pack up all your sweet photos together, along with all the love letters and any mementos, and tape up the box, and mail it to her. For gits and shiggles you can put someone else's panties in the box, too, with a note saying "I think you left these here".
justaman99 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 You don't owe her anything, particularly friendship right now. Until both of you are completely indifferent, friendship will only prolong your pain. I would tell her that there's zero gain for you, to be her friend. At this point in time, it's pretty selfish of her to even suggest it. Yup. Well said. Friendship is possible but not right now. Only when you are over her and moved on would it be realistic. Tell her goodbye.
claycald Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 aight homie... im unsure what to say to you... im in the same situation. my first love left me after being together for 2 years. she completly and totally randomly left me. the night she left me she literally begged and pleaded for me to stay her friend. she acted as if i broke up with her. i tried my hardest to stay her friend those first two months... everytime we spoke i ended up talking about what happened... she didnt understand (she cared but didnt understand why i was falling apart infront of her). yet she still stuck around me and didnt want me to take off. but i stopped talking to her for 8 months. we have been speaking for 3 months now and shiznit boy it is hard. what makes it harder is she has a new boyfriend and says she loves him. it kills me to know that yet i keep talking to her. she knows i love her yet she still talks to me.... im unsure what to tell u. if i were u i would look at her actions when she left u (was she calm or was she losing it), did she beg to be ur friend or did she just ask, look at how important she is to you and how important you are to her. even though she is with someone else she has chose to keep u in her life. try to be tough dude, dont show any weakness to her, dont try to get with her, show her u care. u will always regret it if u dont. i dont like to listen to the majority of LSers... i think NC is the dumbest decision to do... so why i am i still here? i have no freaking idea lol
Vyliss Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 When a girl breaks up with you out of nowhere for a guy or otherwise and begs to still be friends with you, I know it's hard NOT to because you still love her but it is VERY damaging for your own HEALTH. She wants her new boytoy AND you at the same time. And what do you have? The scraps she throws at you. Be a man and LET HER GO, unless you want to be her second slave minus the sex. By stayig around you let her know you are ok with been treated this way and she'll keep on doing it. Women are notorious for doing this (i know, I am one hehe), especially to the NICE guys. Hence why I guess nice guys finish last cos they put up with so much of our crap. I would ignore her or even go so far as to show her you are RELIEVED to be out of that relationship, like you WANTED to get out anyway. I bet you it will drive her crazy inside and she'll probably start running back in a month or so. Just my 2 cents.
kizik Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 Women are notorious for doing this (i know, I am one hehe), especially to the NICE guys. Hence why I guess nice guys finish last cos they put up with so much of our crap. Your little "hehe" here makes me pretty mad, there's nothing funny about the way this person's ex has treated him, or the way you say you treat exes, Vyliss. I bet you it will drive her crazy inside and she'll probably start running back in a month or so. Just my 2 cents. I never like advice like this. People who come to this board are freshly heartbroken and often have no idea what to say, do or think. Original Poster, your ex will NOT come running back. The sooner you can accept that she is out of your life for GOOD and forever, the sooner you can get over this. Remember how she has a new f*ck buddy? Use No Contact as a way to reclaim yourself and your personality, and to learn how to live life without her.
Author ohwhyme Posted June 28, 2008 Author Posted June 28, 2008 Theres been no contact for a month. I know she wants to talk but its like a lose lose situation anyway. I'm a nice guy and it really blows that she chose someone else over me. Its a rebound thing but still, some other guy was there for her emotionally and I'm not gonna be thinking about whats happening cause its out of my hands. She made the decision, I cant change that. For some reason I have a feeling that I'll be seeing her again later in the future. We're used to talking everyday so its awkward for her not to talk even if we are not together. We only talked a lot when we were together so I don't understand how we can be friends. I don't know what I want of this to become. All the broken and empty promises we made etc went out the window. I forgive her but I don't feel like talking to her at the moment. Its just easier this way. But I have learned that someone can walk out of your life in an instant even when "nothing is wrong". This really questions whether or not relationships are worth while because casual encounters probably won't hurt as much as a relationship. I love her and maybe sometimes its the right thing to just let go. I tried to chase her, it didn't work. When girls make up their minds, you cannot change it.
claycald Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 When a girl breaks up with you out of nowhere for a guy or otherwise and begs to still be friends with you, I know it's hard NOT to because you still love her but it is VERY damaging for your own HEALTH. She wants her new boytoy AND you at the same time. And what do you have? The scraps she throws at you. Be a man and LET HER GO, unless you want to be her second slave minus the sex. By stayig around you let her know you are ok with been treated this way and she'll keep on doing it. Women are notorious for doing this (i know, I am one hehe), especially to the NICE guys. Hence why I guess nice guys finish last cos they put up with so much of our crap. I would ignore her or even go so far as to show her you are RELIEVED to be out of that relationship, like you WANTED to get out anyway. I bet you it will drive her crazy inside and she'll probably start running back in a month or so. Just my 2 cents. i guess... but she didnt get with this guy until 5 months after we broke up... so that wasnt her intention. but i will take that into consideration...
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