XCrandallX Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Hello, all. My wife and I have been married for about 5 years now. About a year back, my wife discovered that I had been lying about viewing certain unmentionable things on the Internet. We had a huge fight which resulted in her almost leaving me. We made up, but ever since then, no matter how hard I try to prove otherwise, she still feels like she has no reason to trust me. I realize her feelings are absolutely valid, but it's gotten to the point where she won't believe anything I say, no matter how truthful. Is there something I should be doing or are these trust issues something she needs to work out before we can start to move on? Thanks in advance! -Jed
Lovelybird Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 restoring the trust takes time. she probably always has some imaginations about the internet thing. maybe you need to communicate with her more, ask her to forgive you. and show you vulnerable side. If you don't communicate often, that would give her mind more space to image things up. and try to be transparent. If you decide to work out, then it most likely will. Good luck
Geishawhelk Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 In a nutshell? She is definitely not over it, is she? Frankly, you both need counselling. If she has trust issues, that's partly her problem. If she can't let go, that's her problem too. Tell her this. If she refuses to see it, then you have a problem, don't you? How about this option? Next time this issue raises its ugly head, say: "I really don't care what you think any more. I know I'm being honest. If you can't believe me, that's your problem, not mine. I'm over this, you're not. I suggest we go to counselling, because until we sort this matter out, I'm always going to be on trial, and you're always going to be on my back. So either you get over it and quit balling me out, or we do something about it. Which is it to be?""
Geishawhelk Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I realize her feelings are absolutely valid, but it's gotten to the point where she won't believe anything I say, no matter how truthful. ..... Sorry, just spotted this.... Are you implying therefore, that there are some things you are still not completely honest about...? 'No matter how truthful', seems to suggest that there's a mix of honesty and some deceit there. Just asking.... And if the answer is "yes, occasionally, I do still lie to her...." Then, can you blame her? Let's clear this up first, shall we?
Jersey Shortie Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 How about this option? Next time this issue raises its ugly head, say: "I really don't care what you think any more. I know I'm being honest. If you can't believe me, that's your problem, not mine. I'm over this, you're not. I suggest we go to counselling, because until we sort this matter out, I'm always going to be on trial, and you're always going to be on my back. So either you get over it and quit balling me out, or we do something about it. Which is it to be?"" As a woman, if I had discovered the man that I trusted had broken a trust between us, and said the above comment, this would do the opposite of healing things. It would come off crass, mean and selfish and it wouldn't be the words that would make me trust him more or want to work with him. Gentel your approach. You would be speaking to the woman you love, not a team of football players ready to go out on the field. When one partner breaks the trust of another, it takes time to heal. It's not easy to get back. And you have to keep proving yourself and making the other feel safe to make up for the transgression. It's not easy. But it is part of the process. If a person lies about one thing, it's normal to wonder what else they could be lying about. I do think it would be helpful if you both went to counceling though.
pentacle Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Umm. I don't really understand. So you lied by ommiting to tell her you were looking at porn on the internet? Or did she ask you before and you denied it, then she caught you? You didn't tell her - why? Because you feel it's private? Because you didn't realise that it was anybody elses business but yours? Or because you thought she would not approve? Or because you know that particular site was utterly degrading? Just what is her objection to the sites you were looking at - are they legal? I think that the answer makes a difference to how we look at this situation and I'd rather know the real situation first. Just to play devil's advocate-seeking to control someone else's legal behaviour by emotional manipulation is unacceptable. And full disclosure of absolutely everything is not a requirement - there is such a thing as privacy even within a relationship that is variable between couples. And when is ommission really a lie? - that's a fine line.
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