mistresswchildren Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 NC is the word, yes, but it doesn't always make it easy. I honestly think that if I didn't have TWO of his children that this would all have been a dream/nightmare. Sometimes, I still believe that. I wake in the morning rubbing my belly (as if I were still pregnant), and think, "Oh, it was a dream." Then I hear my little girl crying and I realize that it was not a dream. I did what I did. I hurt who I hurt, and now, I don't know how to get over it all. Yesterday my son and I were talking (mind you he is two). He asked, "Where's Daddy?" I told him that Daddy was in Iraq (how do you explain this to a two year old?). Then he got upset and said "I no have Daddy." He ran into his room and cried. I didn't know what to say to him. All I could tell him was that no matter what his Mommy loved him. I gave him hugs and kisses. I told him how much I loved him and that nothing in the world would change that. He kept crying. This is why it is hard to get over. I thought I had sound judgement at one point. I thought that I would never allow myself to do something like this. I thought that if I EVER had children, that it would be with someone that would love them the way a father should. So, why did I mess up? I don't have the answers anymore. I give up on trying to figure it out. This guy should have at least been a good father to his children, and yet he isn't. Why did I do it? I really don't think that all the good standbys apply either. I don't have Daddy issues. I don't have self-esteem issues. So, why? It wasn't all that exciting either. It wasn't the thrill factor. So what is it? I'm still struggling to completely overcome this, so any advice would help. Why do I still feel that if this man came knocking at my door that I would hold him and tell him how much I really missed him?
astra77 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 MWC - I do not have kids, with my H or with my XMM so although I sympathise, I can not fully understand - although I do - does this make sense?? I am not up to speed with your situation, but I know from my own experience that some days I would run back to him if he called too. God they way he made me feel was electrifying to say the least. It must be sooooo hard for you now that the babies you had with your MM are asking about him. From my own situation, i guess accepting I made a mistake, had bad judgement - whatever - is a part of forgiving myself. I fu**ed up royally, but beating myself to a pulp about it and killing myself in the process is no good for ME. I made a mistake, maybe I need to realise that I made a mistake, it happened and im not absolutely sure why, I just need to move on as I dont know the answers. I guess sometimes we have to accept that we had strong feelings, maybe even love for some1, and that it is OK that we felt that way BUT we were WRONG to feel that way. I guess I search for answers like you, and have a really f****ing hard time accepting that sometimes there ARE NO answers. Not sure if that is a help to you, but it sounds like you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF.
bentnotbroken Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 You can't go back and change the past. What you need to realize is that your child is doing what kids do, and this is just the beginning, they question all of our decisions. They don't come with instructions, so it is on the job training. And there will be mistakes made, because the product continues to change, grow, evolve. They weren't concieved in the best situation, neither was Jesus, but what happens after the conception is more important than the orgins. It isn't were they begin, but where they end up. This is were you are going to have to be honest(age appropriate), and creative in your parenting. If the father chooses to walk away,then you will have to find someone to stand in the gap. Your father, brother, male friend, who ever is willing to help out. There are things that we mother's can never teach our children(especially our sons)one is how to be a man. You need to think about what your answers will be as they get older. You have repented, and turned from what you did, now look for the future. Yes, there will still be fallout, but know if you are calm and forgive yourself God will guide you.
SerenityX2 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Mistress, You want this horrible guy back b/c he's "familiar" not b/c you really want him, would be great for your kids etc... That part to get over will take time, maybe even a year to experience all the things on your own (birthdays, holidays etc...) without him truly in your life, when you split from someone I can imagine in your situation it could still feel like a divorce and many people view divorce as a death...allow yourself time to process this. I can't tell you how many times in the first COUPLE years how I'd break down into tears late at night..."if only this" and "if only that" and this was a guy quite capable of abuse, let alone cheating!!! So how dumb was that? The heart takes time to heal, you'll get there. You just graduated right? Everything is new and overwhelming right now...give yourself some "you" time and just "be." As far as the pregnancies themselves, did you find yourself wanting kids? I was always the person who thought I could take them or leave them, I thought I would have been happy just traveling not being tied down so to speak. However for some reason I started getting these twinges when I'd see babies...sort of like a wistful "oh that won't ever be me"...anyway I was on the pill for a loooong while and it was wrecking havoc with my emotions, so I went of it w/my Exh knowledge...sort of throwing caution to the wind, thinking if I did get pregnant it was "meant to be" in terms of the MARRIAGE (in your case you could say the same in r'ship) Once again how stupid was that? Oh, my son was meant to be, I don't believe children are ever mistakes, and I'll bet when you look in their little faces you know that's true too. They are a tremendous blessing and you know what? Just their prescence can make us stronger, b/c we now HAVE to be strong for their sake...but and the key here, just in having his son, did not make that marriage "meant to be" not by a long shot, but I feel incredibly blessed to have my son who has taught "me" so much. He made me into someone that I never would have been. You know that Gladys Knight song "you're the best thing that ever happened to me"? Well that song says it all for his and my r'ship. My exH leaves much to be desired in the parenting role. And I can remember when his work was too important and he'd blow my son off, I would sit there, wiping his tears when he'd sit and cry and say "if only I got better grades..." "if only this or that..." and I'd reassure him and say NO! it's not you...your father loves you the best "he" knows how, but that may not be the real way to love (b/c no matter what I never wanted him to have a skewed view of what love is and r'ships in general and I have to say at 15 he's done me more than proud:love:) I taught him in words what good love should be...I told him everything happens for a reason, we may not understand it right now, but we will in time. Yes, as you know he now has a great male role model in my H but honestly, and truly we were okay on our own, we forged a bond that still lasts compared to perhaps some 15 y/o that always had a dad at home, so who knows why things happen as they do. I wouldn't trade my path at all, bumps and all...they've taught me so much,and I've met some incredible people on the way. Did I make more dumb mistakes in the process? You bet...I still wouldn't trade the pain. Please don't be hard on yourself...you'll get through this...what you're feeling is normal, just don't make the mistake of giving in and inviting his drama back in your life...you're almost out, that's why the temptation is strong to fall back in, strange but true. Strength mistress, you have it...don't doubt it.
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 MWC, I'm gonna say this with absolutely no malice or anger...please read it that way. OK...you screwed up...get over it already!!! :D :D Stop worrying about the why's...start focusing harder on the what now's. And especially on the what next's. You've got little ones to take care of. You don't have the liberty to sit and hash over what you did...you just need to learn from what you did, don't do it again, and focusi on doing what's right from here on out.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I totally agree with Owl. Beating yourself up about it isn't doing any good. Why don't you talk to a counselor or your child's pediatrician who can give you some ideas on how to deal with this with your little ones. (((HUGS)))
Author mistresswchildren Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 MistresswChildren, could you answer the above questions? I think it all comes down to the fact that he sees other kids that we hang out with and they all have Daddies. The four year old next door is very possessive of her father, so when he dad was playing with my son, she got upset and said "No, he is my Daddy!" It isn't completely abnormal for a child to be possessive of their father. My nephews have done this to him before as well. My nephews actually get a little more harsh about it and tell my son that he doesn't have a Daddy. It has just become more apparent to my son that he doesn't have a "normal" family. There is no real "normal" in today's world, but there is not nuclear family. It isn't Mommy, Daddy, and two children. It is Mommy. That is all they have. I don't think he realizes that anything is lacking until it is pointed out to him. Also, just so you know, you underestimate children. Most two year olds that I have met are more intelligent than you would think. Children understand a lot. Unless you have one, you may not know what I'm talking about, but from friends that I have asked this is not entirely abnormal behavior.
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