sveltskye Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2 months and things had been going great until this week. I had been thinking for a little while, a week or so, about how we had never said "I love you" to eachother, so I brought it up, but in a way that I thought was relatively low pressure. I said something like "You know, there's something that two people say to eachother in a relationship that we've never said". My bf immediatly responded "Oh its been said" and when I inquired as to what he meant, he said that he had said something like "that's the girl I love" and I had texted him something like "but I love you anyways". So I was like, ok, not quite the same, but apparently he's comfortable with it, that's out of the way. I texted him later in the week that I loved him and he texted me the same back. So fast forward to Sunday. I had a terrible day, I had been working 9 hour shifts on Sat and Sun and I had spent the night two days in a row (I work with disabled people). The girl who was supposed to relieve my shift forgot and went out of town, so I had to scramble to find someone to come in on emergency so I didn't have to stay overnight again. So I was pretty wired, exhausted and emotional when I came to his house. I kind of tried to warn him that I was sensitive and to not say anything to upset me. But as we about to go to sleep I was feeling grateful to him for letting me stay over among other things and I told him "I love you". He paused for a while and said "I'm not sure if I feel comfortable saying that to you right now." Basically he said he had thought about it since and he didn't know if he loved me, he didn't really understand what it was (I'm his first girlfriend) he had never loved anyone he hadn't been with since birth and he had only known me 2 months. All of which I can kind of understand, but I was so crushed and hurt anyways. I cried for probably an hour or more and couldn't sleep. I almost went back to my place but I didn't want to get even more upset cause I was alone so I eventually slept there. I just went through a breakup a few months before I met him and though I'm posative it wasn't a rebound- this guy is way more quality than my ex but I think I'm kind of sensitive still. It also hurts cause he didn't say it from the get go but rescinded kind of. He said he cared about me a lot and could see a future with me, but I asked him why he would sleep with me when he didn't know if he loved me and he fed me that bull**** line about how guys are different from girls in that they have sex for fun. As if girls don't! I just feel kind of resentful I guess because I was really hesistant and worried when I started going out with him about hurting him, it being a rebound, ect. and he came on super strong in terms of commitment and seriousness from the very beginning, and then pulls the whole "I don't know if I love you" card? I can't say I really feel he did anything that wrong, but I can't help feeling so hurt and rejected. He's been texting me, asking how I was and wanted to take me out to dinner but I told him that I didn't think I wanted to see him for a little bit. I'm not doing that as punishment or anything but just because I feel so hurt I don't want to deal with him right now. What do I make of this? Am I overreacting?
Keridan Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 First of all, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think your feelings are completely valid, but that you may need to forgive him for the greater good of the relationship. You said that he is very new to this whole thing and that you just came out of another relationship. Also, you haven't been together that long yet. I can see why he would be scared. That first "I love you" feels like such a huge comittment! I think he really doesn't know but that you should be patient. Just cuz he doesn't know it's love doesn't mean it isn't. If you let this drive a wedge between you, I can garauntee it won't turn into a comfortable love. You obviously love him and I totally understand why you are hurt. But try not to get too upset with him. He's learning.
trubella Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 2 months dating and your already saying the L word? too soon, i would give him a break.
Krytie TV Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Yeah, to be this hung up about this issue after 2 months is a little worrisome. Maybe thats what he's thinking too.
Calisto Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Yes, I wouldn't bring it up again for long while. He seems really supportive and caring toward you, and he isn't freaked out and scared off or anything like a lot of guys would be after the incident, he still is wanting to spend time with you. I would try to forget this episode happened and carryon and enjoy for a while, unless there's any reasons you have to doubt his feelings for you besides this one thing.
Author sveltskye Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Yeah, I realize its really soon. I'm trying to get some space and deal with my feelings on my own a little. I don't know for sure, but I think it wouldn't have shaken me so much if it hadn't been such awful timing and he had just said that when I brought it up the first time. But I guess he said he felt pressured or something.
share&care Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I think you are hurt and have valid reasons for that, but 2 months is kind of soon for the I love you's. Hang in there and let some time pass. You'll both know more about each other soon enough if its love. And its true, guys don't need to be in love to have sex and the sooner we girls get used to that fact the better! Good luck.
Author sveltskye Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Well, it may have been a mistake to bring it up in the first place. Its kind of weird I guess to jump right from one relationship to another, its like I had just gone through all the formalities just a few months before and it was kind of a big ordeal when I said it with my ex (with more crying and all), so I'd been kind of relieved when my bf had been so cool about it at first. I guess maybe I'd wanted to kind of get it out of the way instead of letting it be more organic. I think it wouldn't have been quite such a shocker had he said it from the beginning and not in such bad timing. I think part of my strong reaction was that this hit me in a similar way to my break up, which I totally didn't see coming and completely devastated me only a few months before. Just as you guys have said that he's learning and its his first relationship, in my defense, its only my second and I was just burned pretty bad by my first. I'm not surprised that there's still kind of some fall out. Oh- and its true, guys don't have to be in love to have sex- but that's true of both genders! What bugs me is this notion that somehow there's this big gender difference in psychology that gives a guy a permission to be a jerk and commitment phobe just because "that's how guys are". And its different when both people have the understanding that's its just sex and not love, I'm not saying that every guy who has sex out of a committed relationship (or even in the early stages of a relationship) has to be in love, but after two months its kind of hard to hear that he's not. The last time that I heard the "that's the difference between guys and girls" line was when the guy was basically backing out of dating me after leading me on for about a month- and the ironic thing was that it was because he was still totally hung up over his ex! Anyways, I was never considering breaking up with him over this, I just didn't really understand how to manage my feelings.
Lauriebell82 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I can understand why you would be hurt and upset. But like the other posters said, it is kind of soon in your relationship. Your bf might have realized that it was a little too soon to be saying it. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but like you said he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience so maybe saying something that serious after only 2 months freaked him out a little bit. I'd just continue with your relationship and not bring it up again. I would lay off the "i love you's" until he is ready to say it again. He may percieve that as added pressure, and it will have a really negative effect on your relationship. Play the "understanding girlfriend" role and go with the flow. He'll be really happy that you are understanding and it will validate his feelings about what a kick butt gf he has!
MalachiX Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I think you're BF is being honest and respectful. Many couples go a lot longer than two months before they say "I love you." I've only said it once in a relationship and it was after about five or six months of dating. You have to realize that, for some guys, saying that is a pretty big deal. I had trouble breathing when I tried to get it out. I remember being with my EX, rambling like an idiot, and saying, "You know how in movies someone is trying to say something and they can't get it to come out. And you watch the movie, or I'd watch the movie, and I'd always think 'just say it!' and think it was no big deal. Now that I find myself in the situation however, it's becoming apparent that it's not so easy." It took me about an hour to finally get it out and that was after about a month or so of wanting to say it. I guess what I'm trying to get across is this: The fact that your guy takes saying those words seriously is a good sign. It means he plans to mean them when he says them and he wants to wait until he's sure. He's not looking to manipulate you or jerk you around. As for having sex before saying "I love you," you have to realize that HE'S A GUY! I know this seems sexist and silly but it's true. Women don't seem to realize that sex for most men is just a need that they try to fill as soon as they can. Even if it's love at first sight and a guy is already planning his future with you after the first date, he'll still want to have sex as soon as possible. He won't think you're a whore for it and it won't change how he views you in the long run. It's just the mentality of, "I like sex. I want sex. If I can have sex with this girl while we're getting to know each other then why not?" Yes, men rush into sex. It's sad but true. But I think you've proved yourself that women often rush into the emotional stuff. I don't think you can truly know if you "love" someone after just two months. Maybe I'm wrong but that's my take on it. If you needed the L-word before sex then you should have made that clear. Men are taught in this society, right or wrong, that we have to be the one's to initiate sex. Hell, I've been told by some female friends that the guy has to initiate it because if he undresses her first, she feels sexy but if she has to undress him first, she feels like a whore. I'm not saying any of this is easy or fair. I'm just saying that's the way it is (at least as far as my experience goes). Personally, I always have issues trusting people, both lovers and friends, who are quick to start telling others, "I love you." Give your guy some time and perhaps do a bit of soul-searching yourself. Ask yourself if you were really 100% sincere when you said "I love you" or if perhaps, even if this isn't entirely a rebound, you weren't looking to get back into the old groove a bit too quickly. Think about it.
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