bluemood73 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 [sIZE=2]Help! I don't know what to do and I feel like I am going crazy. Tonight my husband and I had a discussion on ending our 15 year marriage. I told him last week how I was feeling and that I was just tired of it all and couldn't do it anymore. Tonight I suggested we go out to eat so that we could talk about our situation. We didn't say much to each other during dinner, but after we got home we talked a little. We are both so sad. I keep having conflicting emotions. One minute I know that it would be best if we were apart and the next minute I am wondering what I can do to make things "normal" between us. I'll give a short history of us. My husband and I met when we were 14. We dated off and on throughout high school. He was into things that I just wasn't into(alcohol and some drug use). So we broke up many times, but always ended up back together. At 20, we got pregnant and got married. We always figured that we would get married, it just turned out to be sooner than later. Despite his bad habits, I was crazy about him and he was crazy about me. I think that he saw in me what he really wanted to be, and I thought (at my young age) that I could fix him. The pregnancy turned out to be twin girls. He worked very hard to support us and he loved his new family. But he was always fighting the urge to drink. He had gotten away from the drug use, but beer was still a constant thing. He would come home drunk too many times to count. Sometimes he would wait until after he got home, but many times he drove home like that. He would pass out in the car, at someone's house, on the porch, wherever. Sometimes he would get pretty verbal with me and say things that hurt me. The next day we would have "talks" and I would tell him how much I hated that side of him and how he was going to tear the family apart. He would always agree with me and he would tell me how much he wanted to stop being like that. He would get depressed and just lay around on the couch. I would agree to forgive and forget as long as he tried to stop drinking. Of course, I did my best to hide it from my girls. I knew that one day they would be old enough to realize what was going on. I didn't know what I would do then. There were many moments of happiness in our relationship. We got along pretty well when there was no beer involved. We never had much problem communicating with each other and there was a lot of chemistry between us. BUT, we have never had any mutual friends. He never wanted to hang out with other people. When I wanted to go out somewhere, It was usually just me and my girls. I shied away from creating too many friendships, because I never felt confident in my marriage. I didn't know how to "act happy" when I truly wasn't. He stopped kissing me and although we still had sex, I couldn't enjoy it anymore. As the years went by, he became even more depressed. Everything made him angry and he found no joy in life. Occasionally, he would act happy around me and the girls. He would joke and be silly, but it was very short lived. He opened up a couple of years ago and told me how much he was addicted to alcohol. He craved it constantly and didn't know how he could overcome it. I wanted to help, like I have always tried to help. I told him I would go to AA meetings with him. He went one time and decided that it was not for him. He would do it alone. It works for a couple of weeks and then he's back to coming home toasted. I want to rip his tongue out when he talks to my girls while he's drunk. The girls have started ignoring him and have made comments about not caring if he comes home or not. He has never acted violent towards them, but they know that "Daddy is acting funny". We have recently moved out of state and are trying to create a better life for ourselves. The drinking has cut back, but his attitude on life has not. He comes home from work and lays on the couch. He watches tv, and says almost nothing. He hardly talks to the kids or me. When he does talk, it usually all reflects back to how terrible his life is. Financial stress has overcome him. I am in the same boat, but I still want to love life. I want to put on a happy face for our children and try to appreciate all that we do have. He can't see it that way. I feel like my spirit is being sucked out of me! With my husband always sleeping on the couch and my kids locked up in their room, I feel very drained and tired. I NEED to be happy. I NEED to have people around me that enjoy life and love themselves. I NEED for my girls to experience this too and not to have to live in a house that is so sad. So here I am, trying to decide if I should end it now. I wish that I didn't love him anymore, but I do. I may not like him, but I love him. He understands how I feel, which makes the separation even more difficult. Even though we are talking about separation, he has no where to go. His only family member lives on the other side of the United States. We don't know anyone around here and we don't have the money to rent a place for him. So we are liviing in the same house, but sort of ignoring each other. I know this sort of a long post, but I would appreciate any opinions. Thanks [/sIZE]
LakesideDream Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Blue. I hate to hear what you are going through. There is hope in your situation though. You typed that you had moved, and now your H is no longer drinking heavily, that he has pulled away, acts depressed, isolated. That could be a good thing Blue, He's probably heavily into both the psycological and physical process of alcohol withdrawl. Look closely at the possibility before making life decisions. He may be hurting worse than you realize. Good Luck!
Author bluemood73 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Thanks for responding Dream. I know that he is hurting very much. I see it every day. He has never really stopped drinking. He does this all the time. He stops drinking for a couple of weeks and then he starts up again. The drinking is just one of his issues.But I do see what you are saying. I have noticed that when he stops, he gets major headaches and bodyaches. He just feels rotten. Since my posting, I have given looonnngg thought and have decided to be extremely nice to him and we have since become very intimate. It seems to have broken the spell he is in for now. He decided to go to the doctor yesterday. The doctor pretty much diagnosed him with bipolar mania. He is on three different meds. We are hoping that this is the first step to getting our life back on track.
LakesideDream Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Thanks for responding Dream. I know that he is hurting very much. I see it every day. He has never really stopped drinking. He does this all the time. He stops drinking for a couple of weeks and then he starts up again. The drinking is just one of his issues.But I do see what you are saying. I have noticed that when he stops, he gets major headaches and bodyaches. He just feels rotten. Since my posting, I have given looonnngg thought and have decided to be extremely nice to him and we have since become very intimate. It seems to have broken the spell he is in for now. He decided to go to the doctor yesterday. The doctor pretty much diagnosed him with bipolar mania. He is on three different meds. We are hoping that this is the first step to getting our life back on track. LakeSideDream, Thumps his chest proudly.... I hope you guys can figure this out and live a true "happily ever after" life. Even shourt term successes are satisfying.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I will just say that no only are addictions like this tough but they're never fully beaten. I have a good friend that just fell off the wagon after 13 years of sobriety and it's been very hard on his wife and kids since they thought those days were behind them. No one would - or should - blame you if you were simply worn down from the challenges and wanted to put yourself and your kids first. I think that you have to think of what is currently best for you... Mr. Lucky
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