JackhammerGemma Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I have recently discovered that my boyfriend is registered with an adult "friend finder" site. He actually has two profiles - one created two years before we met and the other created last year, the very same day he asked me to be his girlfriend. For those who know the history he is a serial cheater and all I want to know is... Doesn't that indicate he has a problem? Is he sick? The fact that he has a girlfriend but has these clandestine memberships to adult sites like that where he is obviously looking for something on the side. Please don't ask me why I'm still dealing with this, I just want to know if people like that have a problem that might classify them as a sex/love addict. I can deal with porn, I can deal with old memberships he started before me, but this I cannot tolerate. If he refuses to delete the memberships I will seriously consider deleting him. If this appears normal, semi-normal, or acceptable to anyone, let me know. Curious to hear if anyone else's partner has done this.
porter218 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Sounds like a sex addict to me. I couldn't handle that at all. But you said you know he is a serial cheater, that is the exact same thing as a sex addict. So to sum it up, he is what you already know he is...a sex addict.
LakesideDream Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Sounds like a sex addict to me. I couldn't handle that at all. But you said you know he is a serial cheater, that is the exact same thing as a sex addict. So to sum it up, he is what you already know he is...a sex addict. Hold on there Porter! Sex addict is a serious diagnosis. Serial cheater? Where did that come from, you are painting with broad strokes. He can have a few affairs, or multiple girlfriends without being a serial cheater. He can have accounts on kinky dating sites, (maybe he's a voyer, or is just a "lurker") without being a sex addict. Obviously there are problems. That doesen't make the man mentally ill.
porter218 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Hold on there Porter! Sex addict is a serious diagnosis. Serial cheater? Where did that come from, you are painting with broad strokes. He can have a few affairs, or multiple girlfriends without being a serial cheater. He can have accounts on kinky dating sites, (maybe he's a voyer, or is just a "lurker") without being a sex addict. Obviously there are problems. That doesen't make the man mentally ill. It came from her own words. She said that he is a serial cheater. A serial cheater is someone who cheats compulsively, a sex addict is someone who compulsively has sex to a point where it affects other aspects of their life...ie. relationships. Serial cheater=sex addict + sex website = definitely sex addict. I am not saying he is a full blown off the deep end sex addict, this is all on a continuum. I am painting with regular strokes lakeside.
johan Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I suppose next you're going to say he probably has accounts on those adult "friend" finder sites or something crazy like that.
porter218 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I have recently discovered that my boyfriend is registered with an adult "friend finder" site. He actually has two profiles - . Is nobody reading this post correctly?? Yes johan he is on that website.
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If he refuses to delete the memberships I will seriously consider deleting him. If it were me, I wouldn’t just “consider it” ... it would have already been done. The thing is, you shouldn’t even have to ‘ask’ your significant other to show you the minimal amount of respect and consideration required for a relationship. Especially when it comes to things that are just plain common sense to most folks. If you have to resort to ultimatums to get some nitwit to behave appropriately, than it’s hardly a genuine gesture on their part, and therefore not honestly given or felt even if you do manage to guilt-trip him into some sort of compliance. By what you’ve described so far, it sounds like you’ve landed yourself a real relationship retard. He probably doesn’t have the foggiest idea of just how screwed up he is ... and will end up one of those miserable, angry, sad sacks who spends the rest of his life being drop-kicked by one naive female to the other. Look for his Nice Guys Finish Last rant to be headlined on some misogynistic thread, sometime soon. Meanwhile, I’m even more puzzled by why YOU continue to tolerate this sort of nonsense from some guy just for the sake of having someone to call a “boyfriend”. I know. I know. You don’t want to go there ... but honestly, the simple solution to all your relationship problems begins and ends with you.
redfathom Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I think you want to know if he has a problem, so you will know that anything bad that has happened is not about you. So I will just say it...it's not about you. It's not about what you did do, didn't do, should have done...it's about him. I don't know your history. But I will say that it's not about you and never will be and you most likely can't save him. Do what is best for you and only you.
bish Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I have recently discovered that my boyfriend is registered with an adult "friend finder" site. He actually has two profiles - one created two years before we met and the other created last year, the very same day he asked me to be his girlfriend. For those who know the history he is a serial cheater and all I want to know is... Doesn't that indicate he has a problem? Is he sick? It doesn't make him a sicko. What it makes him is an untrustworthy jackass. Dump him and move on to a good man.
lolobear Posted June 28, 2008 Posted June 28, 2008 I think that you have two options. You either take this for what it seems like & dump him, or you give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him about what's going on. For me, when I love someone I try to trust and have faith in them (although you mentioned he was a serial cheater, so I'm not sure what I'd do in that situation). But I'm an optomist, and you don't know if he stopped using those accounts or not. He might be able to explain something else to you, maybe he's a sex addict and when you approach him you guys can seek therapy together. There's a reason that you've stuck with him throughout all of his indiscretions, and I'm guessing it's because you love him. So since you do, talk to him! Fix this together instead of jumping to conclusions.
GPFan Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 This is the guy who was having an affair with a married co-worker right under your nose, yes? I just read he broke up with you because you blew the whistle on the two of them. Why are you agonising over him? Why do you refer to him as your boyfriend as opposed to ex? He treated you horribly and then tossed you to the side when you angered him. He has already moved on so any memberships to online sex sites really shouldn't concern you. This discovery should lead to a deep sigh of relief that he isn't your problem anymore.
Author JackhammerGemma Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 He deleted his AFF accounts. And he did break up with me but we are now back together. He has some serious issues and I'm trying so hard not to take them personally because I know they are HIS issues that were there before I came along. I'm just sorry I became so dependent and attached to him that not being around him or being broken up feels like having a leg cut off. I need to be ok with being alone and/or being single, should that day come when it is finally over for good. I'm not there yet and therapy isn't helping. When I'm not around him I feel unmotivated to do anything, I just sit here alone and sad and depressed. And that's WITH being on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I have been able to quit other guys cold turkey without looking back but I can't seem to do that this time. Probably because I feel like a failure and I keep trying to make something work that ultimately won't. I know all of this and still I continue. Am I an optimist or an idiot? Most of the time I feel like an idiot. I don't know who I hate more, him for being the way he is, or me for sticking around. When is enough enough? Seems like I have no limit.
GPFan Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 ...but we are now back together.You have my condolences. Am I an optimist or an idiot?Neither. You may be using this relationship to punish yourself. We punish ourselves with addictions and unhealthy attachments. You may wish to explore this topic, if you haven't already, with your therapist. In the meantime, develop some hobbies and outside interests. Activities and people you won't be sharing with him. The more interesting your life becomes, in general, the easier it will be to detach from him when the time is right.
johan Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 In your other thread on the same topic, I said... What if everyone on here responded that they thought it was perfectly normal? Would you shelf your feelings and move on happily? What if everyone condemns him? If you know people at all, then you know this is what is going to happen. Neither of those outcomes is going to change what you know in your heart that you'll do. But I know what you'll do: you'll overlook this and hope for the best. If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't be here asking people's opinions. What people really thought doesn't matter, and you're proving it's true. The only thing that matters is what you think.
SethEaston Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Sexual addiction is a serious problem that develops over years and in many cases since childhood. I would be careful about labeling him this. However, it doesn't mean he's not a dirtbag. I would confront him about it and if he gets defensive or dismisses it, it's time to move on.
porter218 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 He deleted his AFF accounts. And he did break up with me but we are now back together. He has some serious issues and I'm trying so hard not to take them personally because I know they are HIS issues that were there before I came along. I'm just sorry I became so dependent and attached to him that not being around him or being broken up feels like having a leg cut off. I need to be ok with being alone and/or being single, should that day come when it is finally over for good. I'm not there yet and therapy isn't helping. When I'm not around him I feel unmotivated to do anything, I just sit here alone and sad and depressed. And that's WITH being on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I have been able to quit other guys cold turkey without looking back but I can't seem to do that this time. Probably because I feel like a failure and I keep trying to make something work that ultimately won't. I know all of this and still I continue. Am I an optimist or an idiot? Most of the time I feel like an idiot. I don't know who I hate more, him for being the way he is, or me for sticking around. When is enough enough? Seems like I have no limit. Just picture yourself married to this monster with kids and being this miserable. I think that should help you decide this is time to quit him. If you enjoy misery then stay, otherwise leave him and eventually you will be over him. Try to picture how happy every day could be with out the worries of cheating and all the other cr*p that comes along with him. You can't be that weak....just do it.
Author JackhammerGemma Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Just picture yourself married to this monster with kids and being this miserable. I think that should help you decide this is time to quit him. If you enjoy misery then stay, otherwise leave him and eventually you will be over him. Try to picture how happy every day could be with out the worries of cheating and all the other cr*p that comes along with him. You can't be that weak....just do it. I do think of him that way at times, as a monster. Sometimes I think he just can't help himself; he is too ignorant, greedy, and selfish to think about who he's hurting. Some people never learn. Myself included.
Recommended Posts