JackhammerGemma Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I have recently discovered that my boyfriend is registered with an adult "friend finder" site. He actually has two profiles - one created two years before we met and the other created last year, the very same day he asked me to be his girlfriend. For those who know the history he is a serial cheater and all I want to know is... Doesn't that indicate he has a problem? Is he sick? The fact that he has a girlfriend but has these clandestine memberships to adult sites like that where he is obviously looking for something on the side. Please don't ask me why I'm still dealing with this, I just want to know if people like that have a problem that might classify them as a sex/love addict. I can deal with porn, I can deal with old memberships he started before me, but this I cannot tolerate. If he refuses to delete the memberships I will seriously consider deleting him. If this appears normal, semi-normal, or acceptable to anyone, let me know. Curious to hear if anyone else's partner has done this.
johan Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 What if everyone on here responded that they thought it was perfectly normal? Would you shelf your feelings and move on happily? What if everyone condemns him? If you know people at all, then you know this is what is going to happen. Neither of those outcomes is going to change what you know in your heart that you'll do. But I know what you'll do: you'll overlook this and hope for the best. If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't be here asking people's opinions.
zicke Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 My ex did this...he is an ex. My ex has issues. He doesn't admit them. men like my ex always need to know that there is another woman lined up. It's sick.
Citizen Erased Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 He's not sick. He is just an arsehole. My vote is for the deleting him part.
Jilly Bean Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 what you'll do: you'll overlook this and hope for the best. If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't be here asking people's opinions. He's totally right (as usual). If he has a recent profile up on AFF, then he is cheating. But, you apparently already knew this, and are still involved with him regardless. Not to sound too harsh, but I wouldn't call him a sicko, but I do question your self-esteem if you stay with him.
Author JackhammerGemma Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 What if everyone on here responded that they thought it was perfectly normal? Would you shelf your feelings and move on happily? What if everyone condemns him? If you know people at all, then you know this is what is going to happen. Neither of those outcomes is going to change what you know in your heart that you'll do. But I know what you'll do: you'll overlook this and hope for the best. If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't be here asking people's opinions. I like to take a step back from what I'm feeling sometimes and try to see if there's another way of looking at things. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's alright for him to be doing this, I'm not really shocked but still feel saddened by it. I don't want to overlook this. I have already overlooked far too much from this guy. Was just wondering what others have done in this case-did they dump the person or try to get them to go get help, etc.
zicke Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I like to take a step back from what I'm feeling sometimes and try to see if there's another way of looking at things. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's alright for him to be doing this, I'm not really shocked but still feel saddened by it. I don't want to overlook this. I have already overlooked far too much from this guy. Was just wondering what others have done in this case-did they dump the person or try to get them to go get help, etc. Your gut is usually right, in addition, you've said he has done something like this before..a tiger doesn't change it's stripes, past behavior...etc
Keridan Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I have recently discovered that my boyfriend is registered with an adult "friend finder" site. He actually has two profiles - one created two years before we met and the other created last year, the very same day he asked me to be his girlfriend. For those who know the history he is a serial cheater and all I want to know is... Doesn't that indicate he has a problem? Is he sick? The fact that he has a girlfriend but has these clandestine memberships to adult sites like that where he is obviously looking for something on the side. Please don't ask me why I'm still dealing with this, I just want to know if people like that have a problem that might classify them as a sex/love addict. I can deal with porn, I can deal with old memberships he started before me, but this I cannot tolerate. If he refuses to delete the memberships I will seriously consider deleting him. If this appears normal, semi-normal, or acceptable to anyone, let me know. Curious to hear if anyone else's partner has done this. I don't have a personal opinion. I just wanted to make a couple points. A serial cheater is something to avoid unless you are up to an open relationship (which denies cheating by nature) You say it was the same day you got together. What about the time? Maybe he was just looking at his options before comitting. AFF is basically an amatuer porn site. If you don't mind porn then you can ignore him having a profile, but make sure he isn't trading emails with someone. If you don't like him having porn, then the profile is more problematic. Do you know how often he logs in? He could basically ignore the thing. I'm not condoning or condemning, just offering a few items for thought. Good luck with your questions!
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 This guy's been shady since the very beginning of your relationship, sometime previous to late Sept./07. Why do you continue with him? How much more of his cheating can you put up with? You can't fix him but you have full control of yourself. Just walk away. Do it for yourself. Seriously, how much more erosion of your self-esteem can you take?
Jersey Shortie Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 No, this is not normal. People in happy, healthy relationships do not have profiles on "adult friend finder" . The fact that you mentioned that he is a serial cheater is huge red flag. You aren't going to be the magical little princess that changes his cheating ways. Because his cheating, and the fact that he needs so much female validation, is completely his issue. I would venture to say that he is a combination of low self-esteem and completely self-invovled.
Author JackhammerGemma Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I don't have a personal opinion. I just wanted to make a couple points. A serial cheater is something to avoid unless you are up to an open relationship (which denies cheating by nature) You say it was the same day you got together. What about the time? Maybe he was just looking at his options before comitting. AFF is basically an amatuer porn site. If you don't mind porn then you can ignore him having a profile, but make sure he isn't trading emails with someone. If you don't like him having porn, then the profile is more problematic. Do you know how often he logs in? He could basically ignore the thing. I'm not condoning or condemning, just offering a few items for thought. Good luck with your questions! I called him on it when I found out about the first profile and he basically said what you said, he uses it to look at porn. But apparently with the most recent profile has has done some emailing/just not sure what was in them or with whom.
KinAZ Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 The part about him being a serial cheater concerns me. That, in and of it self, is a sign of a problem. But APART from that, as you know the situation and you're adult enough to make up your own mind, I would wonder what exactly he was looking for. Personally, if everything else was peachy in the relationship, and I was OK with porn and such, I would be trying to get him to open up about our sexual habits before I jump to any conclusions. Maybe because I'm not exactly what one would call a tigress in the bedroom, I would be wondering if he's looking for titillation online because I'm not giving him enough at home. If he tells me "oh everything is fine, baby," then I'm going to have a huge problem with messages and flirtation on an adult site. I say this because I've harmlessly flirted online before, though I don't recall doing that while in a relationship. So, if everything else in the relationship was going well, I would like to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
grogster Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 My current GF was on AFF. In fact, she introduced me to the site. She's no longer on it, but she did meet some interesting guys. AFF is Match without the relationship pretense. I like that. As for your guy, dump him.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Let's see serial cheater? dump him. You said so yourself that you've overlooked many of his faults, but obviously you're really having doubts about being with him. When in doubt, look for a way out.... my own quote But seriously no guy is worth staying with if he's cheating online with whores.
MalachiX Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Don't use the word sicko. That implies he has some problem which is out of his control. If he started a new account the day he decided to commit to you then he's clearly looking to cheat if he hasn't already. The day you ask someone to "go steady" as they'd say in the 50s is probably the most into them you'll ever be. If he was already looking for other options back then, then you should never trust him. The fact that he's swapping e-mails is just further indication that he doesn't respect you and is looking to cheat. Stop analyzing. Stop trying to find a way around it. The guy's an ass and he's not gonna change.
americanrevgirl Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 He's not a sicko, he's a cheato, lol. His ass would be sitting in the street with his friend finder thingy, if it were me. Around his neck, ha ha. Hate to say it, but so many guys these days try to have as many going on as they can. It's the way so many men are now. Just think if you were his wife, and he did this. Be glad you found out how he really is, now. Can his ass.
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