And the Baller Is Packing...

[johan]

Also, don't forget about the possibility of a season-ending injury. He could be home a lot sooner than you think.

[Jilly Bean]

How much less, do you think? How many months of blissful single-hood do you think you've got coming before it all starts over?

 

Do the math, woman!

 

Wait, rubbing my crystal ball... wait for it...wait for it...

 

Who knows, hon.

 

The math also needs to include that I will most likely break up with him twice a week if we go LD, since I am not built for that, and I am sure I will take my disappointment out on him. Won't be pretty...

[Jilly Bean]

Also, don't forget about the possibility of a season-ending injury. He could be home a lot sooner than you think.

 

If that came from anyone else, it would offend me. But from you, dear heart, it was quite funny.

 

Yes, that's true. But, you know even when on the DL, they all still attend the games... He'd be the type to sit on the bench during practice. All that brotherhood and teammate garbage...

[zicke]

Jilly, 6 months is really nothing in the scheme of things. Seriously, if this is the man for you, 6 months is pocket change. Also, within those 6 months, you will be seeing him. I understand that you travel a lot, and own your own business, but, if you are truly invested in building something with him, then this will not be too much of a big deal.

 

Maybe you are really realizing just how much, or how not you are into him?

 

(I don't follow football, so, I am sorry I didn't get the actual time stuff...I like watching with my friends at a bar, drinking beer, but I am not really watching if you know what I mean--jus spending time with my friends.)

 

Like I mentioned, a convo doesn't have to be heavy. Men don't like that anyways, just feel him out.

[johan]

Ok. Well I'm all out of ideas then. Regardless of what happens, I hope it works out for you. But mostly I hope you and he work things out, so that I can maintain the little bit of faith in the world that I have left.

[Jilly Bean]

Ok. Well I'm all out of ideas then. Regardless of what happens, I hope it works out for you. But mostly I hope you and he work things out, so that I can maintain the little bit of faith in the world that I have left.

 

Thank you, sweetie. But that's a whole lotta pressure for the Bean...

[johan]

It's not all selfish, of course. I'd be really happy for you.

[Jilly Bean]

It's not all selfish, of course. I'd be really happy for you.

 

I know you would, hon. And I love you for it. Seriously, thanks for all the advice and kind words.

 

If it wasn't for Baller, you know we'd be dating, right?

[Calisto]

This from somebody who thinks it's the guy's job to do all the chasing?

 

{sorry...couldn't resist }

I don't see it as chasing and I don't see it as the guy doing it all.

[johan]

If it wasn't for Baller, you know we'd be dating, right?

 

If those are your legs, I honestly don't think we would be going out much.

[Jilly Bean]

If those are your legs, I honestly don't think we would be going out much.

 

LOL. Yes, they are mine, thanks. Im doing a lot less dancing this days and a lot more choregraphy, but that is a recent pic and still how they look. So, we can stay in then and you can be the big spoon.

 

Johan - how do you think I should bring this up to him? Er, honey, what are you thinking about when you leave? Er, honey, whats the game plan?

[johan]

Bring in a chalkboard and have him lay it out for you in X's and O's. "Ok, after you snap, I'm going to move over here. Then you go long (distance)..."

 

I don't know how you bring it up. Maybe he doesn't like to talk, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care enough to do it. Maybe you should just ask him, "what do you want me to do while you're gone?" And then make him reason it all out with you.

[Jilly Bean]

Bring in a chalkboard and have him lay it out for you in X's and O's. "Ok, after you snap, I'm going to move over here. Then you go long (distance)..."

 

I don't know how you bring it up. Maybe he doesn't like to talk, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care enough to do it. Maybe you should just ask him, "what do you want me to do while you're gone?" And then make him reason it all out with you.

 

LOL. The X and O's might be the best offense...

[Tomcat33]

Hm I read the entire thread Jilly and I am torn, and I feel for ya. This is a tough one indeed.

 

While having a clean break will offer you a better handle on your emotions, if you feel this man has completely won your heart staying with him during that time he is away would be a sacrafice you would make out of the love you have for him, to support his career and to nuture your relationship. On the other hand keeping it going with no assurance that a future can be had at the end of those 6months can actually promote some tough times ahead, emotionally speaking (I hear you on that and you know yourself best) and that would ultimately destroy any chance of future progress.

 

I am not sure how long you have been going out for or how solid your relationship feels at this point, but if you can't talk about this stuff openly and make a team effort to find a common solution that is best for both your goals and that shows you both are on the same page, then maybe it is best to go your seperate ways and if it is meant to be you will find each other again.

 

Are you in love? Is he? Have you discussed a future?

 

The other thing is if you are not at a point yet where you can discuss this stuff freely why not try to see how you handle being apart? I mean it's better than having the "dreaded talk" if it is premature to do so. It might actually make more sense to feel it out and follow your instincts once he is gone, even if it has to be a slow death it is much better than having "a talk" with a guy who is not on the same page as you.

 

I don't have much to offer on having "the talk" itself if you choose to do that since I don't have much experience in that. I tend to follow my instinct and would rather a "slow death" than a dreaded "so where do we stand?" convo. You can pretty much tell where you stand and following how the relationship makes you feel and you can make a decision on where you need to go next. Leaves the ball in your court in terms of saying "this is not working out for me I need to move on". but if you have the talk with a guy when he is not on the same page as you then you are putting the onis on him to decide, and some guys will drag it on if they are comfortable right where they are.

 

Again this is all on the assumption you are at that point in the rel where your feelings and future are unspoken.

 

If you are in a committed relationship and you have discussed your future then talk to him, dude or not this is your life too and if he can't talk about his emotions EVER because he is a "guy" then consider this because that is what you will be dealing with for the rest of your days with this guy.

[Star Gazer]

How do pros have wives? Not that I'm saying you need to be his WIFE, but they make it happen when they really want to. Sounds like you do, does he?

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks for the post, TC.

 

It's not that I *can't* discuss things with him. It's just that there seems to always be more going on between us than either of us ever says, and our dynamic is not one where we actually DISCUSS our relationship. If that makes sense. I mean, he took me home to meet him family, which I know was huge for him. Yet, he never came out and said how much it meant. Basically, there is a lot of implied emotion. If we have a fight or argument, sure, we talk it out. It's not like we are in denial or anything odd. It's just that the dynamic is supremely NON-analytical.

 

Do I love him? I suppose I do. Though I never wanted to.

 

Does he love me? I am certain of it.

 

As far as discussing a future, we talk about future PLANS, but have never discussed future US. But, we never have, and hear we are, years after met, and now solidly entrenched for 6 months now. Not a long time, but also not our first trip to the rodeo together.

 

His departure is something he is very excited about. I mean, he plays football for a living, so he REALLY loves it, and can't wait to get back to *work*. However, he still talks about including me in plans months from now. I hadn't planned on that.

 

What it comes down to is deciding if I want to see him LD, or just scrap it all now, OR, like you said TC, allow it to slowly die on its own from the sheer distance we will have. Tough choices, and I honestly didn't plan on caring this much about it when he left. Damn.

 

SG - we are nowhere near discussing marriage. If anything, he is far more into this than I have been, and I am the one who is having all the trepidations. Nothing has changed for him, and he doesn't seem to view the impending distance as any type of hindrance. Apparently this is my issue alone. Aren't they always... lol

[Calisto]

So has he said "I love you" to you or not? It seems you're making a lot of excuses for him.

[Prodigal Princess]

How do pros have wives? Not that I'm saying you need to be his WIFE, but they make it happen when they really want to. Sounds like you do, does he?

 

The wives are mostly kept women. It's much easier to travel to see your man during the season when you don't have your own career to take care of, like Jilly does.

 

Sorry Jilly, you're in a tough spot and I have no words of wisdom (having been with similiar men to Baller before, I never figured out how to have Talks with them either). Good luck to you and keep us updated!

[Jilly Bean]

The wives are mostly kept women. It's much easier to travel to see your man during the season when you don't have your own career to take care of, like Jilly does.

 

Oh yes, for sure. The guys he plays with that are married - well, I don't know ONE that has a wife who has a legitimate career. Most stay home, work out, get their nails done, tend the kids, go to the spa, etc.

 

Years ago, I dated a guy who played in the NBA. I wasn't *too* into my career quite yet, as I was still young, and he basically flew me from city to city to be with him during season. At the time it was fun and exciting, but I would never do that again. Too much to lose at this point...

 

That being said, if I didn't have my work and business, I probably would move with him and camp out and get my nails done and hit Neimann with his credit card. lol. Is that wrong? jk. Im just burnt out today... Then again, knowing Baller, he would never be attracted to a woman like that.

 

Ya can't win for losing somedays...

 

But PP, it's not so much that I can't talk to him about anything, I just know that he would think I was over-analyzing something that doesn't even deserve any air play, you know? He joked with me the other day and asked if I was going to require a first class ticket every time I came out this summer to see him. So, he's still thinking we're together, and it's just a matter of making plane reservations.

[Prodigal Princess]

I'm feeling for you Jilly. Another thing that keeps cropping up in my head is that even if the relationship survives this season, this is his career. How many more years of playing does he have left in him? This is going to be a continuing problem.

[Jilly Bean]

I'm feeling for you Jilly. Another thing that keeps cropping up in my head is that even if the relationship survives this season, this is his career. How many more years of playing does he have left in him? This is going to be a continuing problem.

 

 

Totally! He's still in his 20's, and barring a (god forbid!) career ending injury, he's got a good 5-10 years left in him. This occured to me as well.

 

I really only planned to date him short-term and then watch him play in the fall from a sports bar - lol. He's gorgeous, sweet, patient, funny, loves his family, and is a massive meathead and I feel so incredibly safe with him.

 

I hadn't planned on falling for the guy. That's where I really effed up. sigh.

[Event Horizon]

Hell, you never know, you might get lucky and he'll blow a knee. Then he'll be with you 24/7.

 

j/k:)

 

 

Poor guy has no idea that he's gorgeous, sweet, patient, funny, loves his family, and is a massive meathead and you feel so incredibly safe with him, yet, he's on thin ice!

 

 

E..H

[Tomcat33]

Thanks for the post, TC.

 

It's not that I *can't* discuss things with him. It's just that there seems to always be more going on between us than either of us ever says, and our dynamic is not one where we actually DISCUSS our relationship. If that makes sense. I mean, he took me home to meet him family, which I know was huge for him. Yet, he never came out and said how much it meant. Basically, there is a lot of implied emotion. If we have a fight or argument, sure, we talk it out. It's not like we are in denial or anything odd. It's just that the dynamic is supremely NON-analytical.

 

Yeah it makes sense you are taking it at the pace that works for him, fair enough.

 

Also don't forget he is in career mode, his #1 prioroty right now must be his sport, so any promise or commitment he makes outside of that would ultimately take away from what he needs to focus on.

 

Do I love him? I suppose I do. Though I never wanted to.

 

Does he love me? I am certain of it.

 

then what's the problem Jilly? if you are certain he loves you and he makes you feel loved why can't you make this sacrifice to support him from afar? Who knows maybe in 6months when he returns things get even more serious since he now has the time and energy to devote to the other phase of his life, his romantic relationship.

 

 

His departure is something he is very excited about. I mean, he plays football for a living, so he REALLY loves it, and can't wait to get back to *work*. However, he still talks about including me in plans months from now. I hadn't planned on that.

 

My experience is men don't multitask all that well, they are either in career mode or relationship mode, in order for a guy to be in relationship mode he needs to have his career in order and steady flowing. Your guy is trying to focus on career now.

 

Ok so he does talk about you in his future. That's a good sign, pay attention to that.

 

 

 

What it comes down to is deciding if I want to see him LD, or just scrap it all now, OR, like you said TC, allow it to slowly die on its own from the sheer distance we will have. Tough choices, and I honestly didn't plan on caring this much about it when he left. Damn.

 

While it may not be ideal for you and it may actually really suck for you, this is something you need to do for HIM, if you love him and if you are truly supportive of who he is, his career is a big part of who he is today.

Look you gotta risk to win you know? It's not like this guy is some booty call he is making gestures to make you feel like he is serious about you he has taken you to meet his family etc. his only hesitation in getting too wrapped up in you right now could very well be that he needs and wants to focus on his career. So keep being yourself and supporting him this might be exactly what he needs to fall hard and why no other woman would even compare to you, because a man in his type of career needs the type of woman who is going to support him even when it is inconvenient for her and she can't have him there by her side.

 

and in regards to the slow death, you may be surprised it may not be a "death" at all. You never know.

 

But what have you got to lose, it's like Johan said you won't go anywhere in 6 months if you really love this guy, so take a chance. Once he is on the road you'll be able to tell if this arrangement works for you or not.

And it would be a far more educated decision THEN than to do it now, when you are just anticipating what "might" happen.

[Calisto]

My feeling is he hasn't stated straight out after all this time that he is in love with her. There is still insecurity there in Jilly B's part about his feelings and dedication for her no matter what she states otherwise.

A man who is in love with you, especially after all this time, wouldn't hesitate to tell you that.

He seems rather cavalier about packing up and moving, like it's not a big deal, like it's really going to pain him that much to leave Jilly behind for six months.

Personally I don't think that deep down inside he is seeing this as longterm, probably because of the age difference.

Sorry, just being honest here.

I think you need to step back and see how much effort he makes to tell you he loves you and truly commit to you while you're on the road.

And the marriage idea isn't that far-fetched...I mean you've known each other for years. it's at least time to start thinking about a future. You're 33....don't you want kids and a family?

time to get real about stuff.

 

 

Yeah it makes sense you are taking it at the pace that works for him, fair enough.

 

Also don't forget he is in career mode, his #1 prioroty right now must be his sport, so any promise or commitment he makes outside of that would ultimately take away from what he needs to focus on.

 

 

 

then what's the problem Jilly? if you are certain he loves you and he makes you feel loved why can't you make this sacrifice to support him from afar? Who knows maybe in 6months when he returns things get even more serious since he now has the time and energy to devote to the other phase of his life, his romantic relationship.

 

 

 

 

My experience is men don't multitask all that well, they are either in career mode or relationship mode, in order for a guy to be in relationship mode he needs to have his career in order and steady flowing. Your guy is trying to focus on career now.

 

Ok so he does talk about you in his future. That's a good sign, pay attention to that.

 

 

 

 

 

While it may not be ideal for you and it may actually really suck for you, this is something you need to do for HIM, if you love him and if you are truly supportive of who he is, his career is a big part of who he is today.

Look you gotta risk to win you know? It's not like this guy is some booty call he is making gestures to make you feel like he is serious about you he has taken you to meet his family etc. his only hesitation in getting too wrapped up in you right now could very well be that he needs and wants to focus on his career. So keep being yourself and supporting him this might be exactly what he needs to fall hard and why no other woman would even compare to you, because a man in his type of career needs the type of woman who is going to support him even when it is inconvenient for her and she can't have him there by her side.

 

and in regards to the slow death, you may be surprised it may not be a "death" at all. You never know.

 

But what have you got to lose, it's like Johan said you won't go anywhere in 6 months if you really love this guy, so take a chance. Once he is on the road you'll be able to tell if this arrangement works for you or not.

And it would be a far more educated decision THEN than to do it now, when you are just anticipating what "might" happen.

[Tomcat33]

And the marriage idea isn't that far-fetched...I mean you've known each other for years.

 

 

You mean you were serious about Jilly asking the guy to marry her???

 

I would not be able to make a comment like that and keep a straight face so it's difficult for me to take your comments seriously.

 

The guy is in his 20's and a professional athlete, it's clear marriage is not a priority right now, his career is. If you as a slightly older woman who has different priorities (and we don't know what Jilly's goals/priorities are right now other than to have a commited rel with this guy, she didn't talk of marriage, YOU did Calisto) then you either let him do his thing for a bit and see if the rel evolves, or cut your loses and walk. The last thing you do is pressure him to decide to marry you before he focuses on his career. That's lame.

 

True love is about understanding and meeting your loved one's needs, they have only been officially together for 6months she has no right to put any pressure on him now. Te smart thing to do would is to play it out a bit and let the rel move forward, or walk.

 

C'mon surely you weren't serious that she should ask him to marry her. This, coming from the same person that says a woman should wait a day or two to text back a guy she met who she is intested in?

 

He seems rather cavalier about packing up and moving, like it's not a big deal, like it's really going to pain him that much to leave Jilly behind for six months.

 

Because he is going away for his career, it's not like the guy is going backpacking through Europe. What do you expect him to do propose to her after 6months of dating her?