orangehose Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 At any moment, your significant other can lose interest in you. At any moment, they can just walk off, abandon you without so much as a backward glance or a minimal attempt at explanation, jump into bed with another person the next day (if they haven't already). As though the past x number of years didn't happen at all. Even if the day before they were saying they loved you, or wanted a future with you. If there's anything I've learned from reading all these stories on loveshack, as well as from my own personal experience, it's the instability, the inherently fickle nature of romantic love. I know people say relationships just end, love just dies, and to just enjoy relationships for what they are in the moment. But I know the next time I'm in a relationship, in the back of my head I'll thinking, 'wonder if / when THIS one is gonna run off?' And it's going to kill some of that enjoyment. How are we all going to trust again?!?
kizik Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Great point. I have realized that love is impermanent. Sure, there are couples who are 80 and have been married 60 years. Do you think they still feel passionate love? I highly doubt it. They CARE about each other, they want each other to be healthy... but the passion, the spontaneity, the sex are all gone. Someone go ahead and say I don't know what I'm talking about. Go ahead. Romantic love, as orange said, is fickle and based upon a series of infatuated, highly addictive emotions. It's intense and those feelings DO NOT last. There is the initial excitement of getting to know someone, the joy of spending time with them and the comfort of routine... and then, there come the fights, the discontent, the feeling that who you once knew no longer exists. I don't believe in permanent love anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to love. I know now, after several multiple-year Rs, that love does not last. Cynical? Bitter? Nope. Realistic.
v33 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Folks, we can see this coming. Remember how you used to go for long walks every day, make love every night, laugh and joke, cook together and drink a bottle of wine? When these things stop happening something is up. Sure you get used to each other, sure you fall into a routine, but you both do it. And unfortunately, someone becomes dissatisfied with this before the other. And that's when they "love you, but are not in love with you". I am determined to not let this happen again. I will do everything in my power to keep the love and excitement and challenge alive. And if they don't want a part of it, then *I* will be the one to move on.
chrisanderson Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I ask myself the same question. How can I trust again? How can I NOT think that the next one will run off like my ex fiancé? I think a big component is commitment. People just aren't committed anymore. I'd say it has alot to do with our current culture. In my questioning to my ex about why she left she said, "well Jessica Simpson dated other guys before she married Nick Lachey, that's how she knew he was the one for her". How stupid.
kizik Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Folks, we can see this coming. Remember how you used to go for long walks every day, make love every night, laugh and joke, cook together and drink a bottle of wine? When these things stop happening something is up. Sure you get used to each other, sure you fall into a routine, but you both do it. And unfortunately, someone becomes dissatisfied with this before the other. And that's when they "love you, but are not in love with you". I am determined to not let this happen again. I will do everything in my power to keep the love and excitement and challenge alive. And if they don't want a part of it, then *I* will be the one to move on. I like what you say here. My stupid ex MOVED to another city for a job, so all those things became impossible. I BLAME HER for choosing other things over me. Whatever. She's an idiot who never considered what the move would do to us. Didn't really care either.
chrisanderson Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Folks, we can see this coming. Remember how you used to go for long walks every day, make love every night, laugh and joke, cook together and drink a bottle of wine? When these things stop happening something is up. Sure you get used to each other, sure you fall into a routine, but you both do it. And unfortunately, someone becomes dissatisfied with this before the other. And that's when they "love you, but are not in love with you". I am determined to not let this happen again. I will do everything in my power to keep the love and excitement and challenge alive. And if they don't want a part of it, then *I* will be the one to move on. But how can you keep things fresh forever? There's simply no way in my opinion and frankly I don't think it's worth it.
kizik Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 It's not up to just *you*. When the other stops putting in the equal effort - you get out.
kizik Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Y, I really like you when you're not ranting. BTW you like my rant from last night in the Post Here?
Lizzie60 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 At any moment, your significant other can lose interest in you. At any moment, they can just walk off, abandon you without so much as a backward glance or a minimal attempt at explanation, jump into bed with another person the next day (if they haven't already). As though the past x number of years didn't happen at all. Even if the day before they were saying they loved you, or wanted a future with you. If there's anything I've learned from reading all these stories on loveshack, as well as from my own personal experience, it's the instability, the inherently fickle nature of romantic love. I know people say relationships just end, love just dies, and to just enjoy relationships for what they are in the moment. But I know the next time I'm in a relationship, in the back of my head I'll thinking, 'wonder if / when THIS one is gonna run off?' And it's going to kill some of that enjoyment. How are we all going to trust again?!? It is reality now.. we live in a disposable society.. everything is disposable.. relationships included.. I prefer to remain single.. I don't have that problem. I never believed in 'love till death do us part'...it's crazy to think that two people can remain together and faithful all their life.. not in 2008.. and on...
Author orangehose Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 But how can you keep things fresh forever? There's simply no way in my opinion and frankly I don't think it's worth it. There isn't really any way to keep things fresh forever. At some point, it's the same personality, the same body, the same opinions, the same sex, the same everything. My ex-BF, when he left, basically said he was bored and the R was unexciting and he longed for the excitement of a first date. Well, I don't. I rather like not having to explain who I am to a different person every couple of months / years. Some of us just have a higher tolerance for 'sameness' than others.
Author orangehose Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 This needs to be made into one of those signs that you see hanging in people's kitchens. It'd look good in mine. Hilarious, Y!
Author orangehose Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 This needs to be made into one of those signs that you see hanging in people's kitchens. It'd look good in mine. Actually, you know what, I'm going to embroider my paragraph on a pillow and give it to my future husband on the day of my wedding (should I ever get married).
chrisanderson Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 There isn't really any way to keep things fresh forever. At some point, it's the same personality, the same body, the same opinions, the same sex, the same everything. My ex-BF, when he left, basically said he was bored and the R was unexciting and he longed for the excitement of a first date. Well, I don't. I rather like not having to explain who I am to a different person every couple of months / years. Some of us just have a higher tolerance for 'sameness' than others. You hit the nail on the head there. I'm with you about not wanting to go through the whole dating ordeal all over again. I'm only 22 but the thought alone just kills me. Have to meet a new family, new set of friends, have to learn what makes the other person ticks. It's daunting. Why can't people just be satisfied with what they have.
kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Some of us just have a higher tolerance for 'sameness' than others. Some of us love our partners / ex-partners. The ones that left or didn't care to try to improve themselves, don't. If you love someone, you will try. If you don't, you won't. But even the ones that still love can only try so much, on their end. To allude to another LS poster - one pillar can't hold up the temple alone.
ioncebelieved Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 You know that is very true!! I have heard there is three parts to a relationship: The beginning, the middle and the end. Funny thing is that I knew exactly this... this time around! Problem was I fell in love with someone and gave her my heart and didn't think it would just end like that. Put all my trust into her and thought it what turn into what I imagined. I will always be on guard for crap like this from now on!! Getting better every day and her loss indeed because I am ****ing great!
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If love is so impermanent, why do I desire a long term relationship? Why do I feel the need to have ONE significant other I can grow old with.. (oops, maybe too late on the old part?) Now this fickle BS I can see from twenty-somethings easily. They want to sow their wild oats. I'm done with that *****. I want stability and that 'comfortable' feeling. I don't have a wandering eye. I can put up with a lot of "little" things that would otherwise grate on people. In short, I have more patience now that I'm a bit older. I mean, people break it off after years because they don't like the way their partner chews their food, or they way they leave shoes lying around the house, or some otherwise stupid-ass trivial reason. Let me tell you folks, the grass isn't greener (unless they are abusive or something like that). Yeah maybe you'll get some wild sex and delicious attention that your partner no longer gives you (for whatever reason), but that doesn't last... Maybe the new person has a similar interest that your old significant other didn't appreciate. You'll have the butterflies and all that.. but eventually you'll find that your new love interest has their share of issues. Everybody's got them. Usually a lot of them! So, if you think you're fickle (you know who you are), DON'T get involved in a relationship. It's that simple. Don't "follow your heart". Don't think that your new partner is perfect for you. (they always seem that way at first) Don't rush in. Don't forget about reality... oh and don't come anywhere near me! Relationships take work. The new relationship is all joy and bliss, and no headache, but if you've been around at all, you'll know that this is only a temporary phase. Real solid lasting love doesn't have butterflies. It has a mortgage, and daycare, and cable bill, and housecleaning... all the wonderully dull things in life.... but taking that journey with another person and knowing each others strengths and weaknesses.. you can build that temple. I still have a shred of hope.
Author orangehose Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I still have a shred of hope. I hope you're right, motive. I really do.
Author orangehose Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I don't believe in permanent love anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to love. I know now, after several multiple-year Rs, that love does not last. Cynical? Bitter? Nope. Realistic. As much as I intellectually agree with you, my heart still finds it hard to stomach entering a new relationship, knowing that statistically speaking, it's likely to end and leave pain and heartache in its wake. It still seems to me to require a Zen-like cognitive feat to love someone while knowing that in all likelihood, things are going to go to **** at some point. This is all theoretical at this point, of course (I have no new prospects).
CandyGirlXO Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I agree completely with kivik. BITTER....no REALISTIC! Sad but true. However part of me wants to be a hopeless romantic and find my prince charming who will love and adored me FOREVER I am guilty. I fell OUT of LOVE. Go ahead hate me! But he was mean. Not good for me. I felt like he never really ADORED me or made me feel special. He would lie and say such horrible things. I know I had to leave. So WHY is he so sad??? I have no F**KING clue. Not my problem. He didn't treat me right. I WON'T settle. For right now it is completely exhausting thinking about meeting someone new. I was so comfortable in my R. It was too easy. But now I have to go find someone, get to know them, meet their friends and family vice versa. No thanks! Anyone else feel this way!?!? What's the F**KING point?
kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If love is so impermanent, why do I desire a long term relationship? Why do I feel the need to have ONE significant other I can grow old with.. (oops, maybe too late on the old part?) Now this fickle BS I can see from twenty-somethings easily. They want to sow their wild oats. I'm done with that *****. I want stability and that 'comfortable' feeling. I don't have a wandering eye. I can put up with a lot of "little" things that would otherwise grate on people. In short, I have more patience now that I'm a bit older. I mean, people break it off after years because they don't like the way their partner chews their food, or they way they leave shoes lying around the house, or some otherwise stupid-ass trivial reason. Let me tell you folks, the grass isn't greener (unless they are abusive or something like that). Yeah maybe you'll get some wild sex and delicious attention that your partner no longer gives you (for whatever reason), but that doesn't last... Maybe the new person has a similar interest that your old significant other didn't appreciate. You'll have the butterflies and all that.. but eventually you'll find that your new love interest has their share of issues. Everybody's got them. Usually a lot of them! So, if you think you're fickle (you know who you are), DON'T get involved in a relationship. It's that simple. Don't "follow your heart". Don't think that your new partner is perfect for you. (they always seem that way at first) Don't rush in. Don't forget about reality... oh and don't come anywhere near me! Relationships take work. The new relationship is all joy and bliss, and no headache, but if you've been around at all, you'll know that this is only a temporary phase. Real solid lasting love doesn't have butterflies. It has a mortgage, and daycare, and cable bill, and housecleaning... all the wonderully dull things in life.... but taking that journey with another person and knowing each others strengths and weaknesses.. you can build that temple. I still have a shred of hope. I didn't want any part of my breakup, motive. I don't want to sow any f*cking oats. I loved this girl, would have done anything for her, did everything for her and got little to nothing in return. I didn't break anything off based upon how she chewed her food. I accepted all her imperfections and bad habits. I loved her for who she was. But I was treated badly. She picked at me and made me feel like the most worthless, annoying as*hole in the world. I cannot believe she was so cruel to me. But I would have stuck with her, if she had just made one ounce of effort to work on herself. I'm all for compromise and sacrifice. But I just have no faith right now. Someone always turns out to be someone else. No matter what they say - I love you, I want to be with you forever, I want to marry you, I want to have your kids - it can mean nothing, because talk is easy and cheap and people change and hurt you and leave you crying in the f*cking dust, wondering how you could have fallen in love with someone so selfish. I want to date, to have good conversations, to kiss, hold each other and feel emotionally close. But I do not feel, right now at least, that I could trust another woman. Because I trusted my ex, I thought I knew her, I gave her all of my heart and being and every attentive nerve in my body. And she took those things away. And now I've got to find them within me again.
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I didn't want any part of my breakup, motive. I don't want to sow any f*cking oats. I loved this girl, would have done anything for her, did everything for her and got little to nothing in return. I didn't break anything off based upon how she chewed her food. I accepted all her imperfections and bad habits. I loved her for who she was. But I was treated badly. She picked at me and made me feel like the most worthless, annoying as*hole in the world. I cannot believe she was so cruel to me. But I would have stuck with her, if she had just made one ounce of effort to work on herself. I'm all for compromise and sacrifice. But I just have no faith right now. Someone always turns out to be someone else. No matter what they say - I love you, I want to be with you forever, I want to marry you, I want to have your kids - it can mean nothing, because talk is easy and cheap and people change and hurt you and leave you crying in the f*cking dust, wondering how you could have fallen in love with someone so selfish. I want to date, to have good conversations, to kiss, hold each other and feel emotionally close. But I do not feel, right now at least, that I could trust another woman. Because I trusted my ex, I thought I knew her, I gave her all of my heart and being and every attentive nerve in my body. And she took those things away. And now I've got to find them within me again. I'm glad you're getting this all out. Think of how you felt and what you want. There's gotta be someone out there looking for the same thing. Your ex was a bitch... hey! So was mine! There are literally millions of women looking for guys like us. Guys willing to commit. It's like finding a $100 bill on the sidewalk. We are a rare breed, and that's what makes us such a sought after commodity.. more than what the likes of our ex-girlfriends deserve. Our exes don't meet up to our standards, not the other way around.
CandyGirlXO Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Sorry about that I meant kizik not kivik Also in my 3 year R I NEVER had butterflies especially never like the ones I had when I was with my EX before him. Yes, thats my fault for staying but I was comfortable. He never made me feel really loved even though he said it all the time. I need to find someone that I'm head over heels for.
kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Are you my exgirlfriend? Some people never "feel" loved no matter what you do, b/c they don't love themselves enough to realize someone else could love them. Not saying that's you, but jeez... Ouch.
CandyGirlXO Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 NO kizik if you WERE mine I would NEVER let you go I only wish we lived in the same state. I could go into detail but you guys on LS would think I am completely nuts for staying with him for 3 years.
kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Awww... you are sweet but I don't believe you. Nice to hear anyway. -kiz
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