walt Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I found this forum because I was looking for advice on dating because I feel I suffer from fringe BPD and more CPTSD which are very related, and wanted to see if there was any tips on how I can improve my chances of meeting a lady. I have many of the symptoms and have been in therapy since I was hospitalized at age 17 for self mutilation. I knew that something was wrong with me, constant fear and anxiety, but I didnt know this was not normal, growing up in psysical and verbal and psychological abusive situation with my sibling who molested me from age 9 to 11 and subsequent death of my father, perceived abandonment from my mother when she had to leave me to foster care, etc etc... well the crux of my post is that a lot of folks on this and other forums that discuss this issue, incorrectly give advice about something they know nothing about, except their laymans understanding of the problem. Yes some people are abusive manipulative when they suffer from BPD, but not all of them and surely just because they seem evil doesnt mean they are evil, just overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings that a layman person cannot possibly understand. It is a horrible existence, as a suffered of something that resembles this annoying condition I can tell you that no one knows my personal strife, nor can I know their personal strife. However, to say things like GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, is not helpful because after all people with BPD are human beings who for some reason or another have the misfortune of living with these terrible instability issues, and are just looking help or love or simple understanding and support. As a person who sees the damage and behavioral issues that it has caused me; it doesnt help me much to look for help and read posts from ignorant people who make blanket statements. If you are not a therapist try not to dispense a diagnosis. and if you are a therapist remember that BPD is not simple and that the brain has a lot to do with the disorder due to (for me at least) years of abuse, stress and clinical depression, self loathing etc. so it doesnt help my low self esteem to read that I am an emotional leper. Some of us who have these symptons fall and try then fall and try again, and its not fair to speak as though you have some sort of authority on the issue because people are individuals and not everything is like television. perhaps its my perception due to my psychological situation, but considering the negative feedback towards BPD, I would just conclude that death is a good solution since, based on the information on this forum, that I will never be able to achieve a stable relationship and that my worth in society is void.
blind_otter Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 perhaps its my perception due to my psychological situation, but considering the negative feedback towards BPD, I would just conclude that death is a good solution since, based on the information on this forum, that I will never be able to achieve a stable relationship and that my worth in society is void. Watch out for that black and white thinking, buddy. I happen to know that is a hallmark of the disorder.... I was diagnosed with BPD a little over 2 years ago. And I have to say that, for most people - dealing with BPD in a loved one is nearly impossible. It is hard. Very hard. This fact has been impressed on me several times by others around me in my support system. Not everyone is cut out to be in a relationship with someone who is in treatment for BPD. There are those out there, however, who CAN handle it. They are open to becoming educated about the disorder, and they are willing to work with you. This is not an all-or-nothing issue, OP. Knowing how hard it is to deal with BPD on a daily basis, you have to cut people some slack. There aren't a lot of them out there who are willing to make the extra effort to be with someone with BPD - and believe me, it does take extra effort....
rproctor Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hey mate, you are right, you are still a person and deserve the respect of a person. I would think that if the person finds out their partner is suffering from BPD, or any other disorder for that matter, that the partner should calibrate that person... I don't think leaving someone only because they have a disorder is a smart decision. This may sound strange, but I would suggest that you read into Buddhism. Its sort of like self-help, except that it goes far beyond typical cliche problems. If you are suffering from mental anguish and displacement, then Buddhism may be able to help you. I dont buy into it all, only the parts that make sense to me. It really helped me to get a grasp on my "self" and my realize that I can control myself.
Jilly Bean Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 a lot of folks on this and other forums that discuss this issue, incorrectly give advice about something they know nothing about, except their laymans understanding of the problem. Walt, people do that on here with EVERYTHING, not just BPD. Very few admit they don't know something, and the large majority will weigh in on topics with which they have no direct knowledge or experience. That is to be expected with a public advice forum, Walt. If you are looking for advice and tips specific to your pathology, then I suggest sticking with a trained therapist, and neither soliciting nor relying on, the opinions expressed on sites such as this.
sveltskye Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I really appreciate anyone who brings up and argues against the stigma against people with bipolar disorder. Its true that so many people 1) don't understand it, 2) write off/assume things about people who have it and 3) (especially on here) think that people with bipolar can never function in a relationship. That's just not true. I have bipolar disorder and I know a lot of wonderful, NOT dramatic or crazy people who have it under control and are great people to be around and are in successful relationships. I suggest that you get involved in volunteer work- it might make you feel like you're accomplishing something and making it more understood. I'm a volunteer with my local NAMI center (National Alliance of Mental Health) and I feel really great about that.
imbewildered Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I really appreciate anyone who brings up and argues against the stigma against people with bipolar disorder. I think that the OP is talking about Borderline Personality Disorder ( I may be wrong )
xpaperxcutx Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Are you taking medication? I suffer from depression and it may be a bother taking pills all the time, but it does help with mood swings. Just because you have BDP doesn't mean that you're to be stigmatized. There are alot of ignorant people out there, but there are also people who don't discriminate. Sometimes it just takes time to actually find someone who understands and is willing to accept your faults. Its the endresult that prove satisfying.
Author walt Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Hi, thank you all for your responses. I am taking medication for my mood swings and other associated issues, and have been seeing a therapist every week for the past 18 years. I just get upset sometimes because its such a terrible personal issue that bewilders me on a daily basis, as one poster pointed out, the black and white thinking, I didn't realize I had gone there, but there you are (thank you by the way). I get upset because its already hard enough to live like this and feeling like I'm painted into a corner with the stigma. I also concur with the poster that mentioned Bipolar; I personally feel that all these symptoms we all feel are very related to each other and the DSMs of the world can only describe obtusely the intangible convolutions of the mind and clump them to give a general description of the issue (which is always complex). I was looking for information or tips on how I could improve my attitude or behavior about relationships by reading perhaps something inspirational because I want to try again to meet someone; Then a post from January was discussing this issue caught my attention, and it was just way too negative on people who suffer from mental disorders. In all honesty I am much better than in recent years, and I was never abusive towards my partners nor tried to control them, however I have grown very fearful of relationships because I know that my condition is a big factor that ruins relationships. In any case, I just thought I'd voice my objection to some of the advice thats being doled out to unsuspecting readers who may not know anything about mental disorders and are looking for honest answers, not subjective nonsense. I hope my comments are helpful in some way. thank you again.
sveltskye Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Whoops, I completely forgot that Bi Polar and Borderline Personality have the same initials! Sorry! How the OP was describing the way people assume and misunderstand the disorder completely resonated with me, though, and I still hold by what I said. I think it really feels empowering to know that you're fighting stigma against your particular disorder.
kbah Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 I understand some of the feelings you are having, as I was raised by a BPD mother and grandmother...who passed those traits on to me. I think it is wonderful that you are willing to try a relationship again. Have you been to any support groups for BPD or related issues? I know being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can be extremely taxing on the other (seeing as I have trouble being in a relationship with myself sometimes ) Someone who has not dealt with a traumatic past or emotional difficulty may not be as compassionate to understand. Maybe if you meet someone who has dealt with similar issues or at least has more empathy to they will be more accepting and YOU will feel more at ease. Maybe this would at least be a good starting point for you. What do you think?
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