stampdaddy Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Well, I guess I am in NC.. this thing of ours has been like watching sands in an hourglass trickling down to almost nothing OR is it a change to the other side of things? I don't know.. There have been alot of "so called developments" on her side of things, most I wont get into because they are personal for her, but I guess the jist of it is that a Divorce seems to be coming.. However, they are all on a family vacation as we speak.. "One last time, for the kids.." About a month ago, H came down the stairs and just calmly said, "the worst thing that could happen to these kids is us getting divorced. BUT that IS what is happening to these kids. It will be quick and their best interests will be taken into account. I will make a "plan" and we will talk about it later". I am so confused
Owl Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 It sounds like you're not the only one. Her H may be giving up attempting to understand her (her actions are clearly confusing to everyone involved) and simply giving up and getting ready to file. Not knowing any of the other 'developments'...I'm guessing.
Author stampdaddy Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 It sounds like you're not the only one. Her H may be giving up attempting to understand her (her actions are clearly confusing to everyone involved) and simply giving up and getting ready to file. Not knowing any of the other 'developments'...I'm guessing. You are pretty much on it.. there have been alot of fighting and stuff. He is constantly being reminded of things. He just came out of nowhere 2 weeks ago and asked her if she had gone to California with me, and she simply just said "yes".. Called her from the car to ask that question. Like he was gathering information. I dont know.. Anyway, your assesment is correct. She has been telling me that she needs to go handle this divorce alone, and I respect that. She has been buying little things at the store, like an extra broom, or big thing of toilet paper, kind of like "nesting", but who knows what is what. I sure as sh*t dont.. hard for me to swallow this vacation thing
Event Horizon Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I just want to take this opportunity to THANK you, Stampdaddy. If it wasn't for you and your previous posts I'd have never gotten away from the married woman I was seeing. I was a lurker here during your previous threads. I don't know if you're happy or not but your posts helped me and made me a happy person again. So, just know your posts have done some good. I wish you the happiness that your posts helped me attain. E..H
Author stampdaddy Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 I just want to take this opportunity to THANK you, Stampdaddy. If it wasn't for you and your previous posts I'd have never gotten away from the married woman I was seeing. I was a lurker here during your previous threads. I don't know if you're happy or not but your posts helped me and made me a happy person again. So, just know your posts have done some good. I wish you the happiness that your posts helped me attain. E..H Wow, um, I dont know what to say.. I am glad you have been able to move forward with your life and find happiness.. I hope I can find the strength on one hand or be patient on the other.. I dont know what to do anymore... I love her, and I miss her, but I feel put on a shelf again. If I only knew what the damn truth was. And YES, there is a reason I don't have the trust and faith in what I have been told, and we all know why that is... Thank you, EH, for the kind words
Event Horizon Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Wow, um, I dont know what to say.. I am glad you have been able to move forward with your life and find happiness.. I hope I can find the strength on one hand or be patient on the other.. I dont know what to do anymore... I love her, and I miss her, but I feel put on a shelf again. If I only knew what the damn truth was. And YES, there is a reason I don't have the trust and faith in what I have been told, and we all know why that is... Thank you, EH, for the kind wordsYou have no idea how intertwined our stories are. I actually took printed pages of your posts to work with me to read because just seeing her would make me forget everything I was learning here. I would read the pain and heartache in your posts and keep telling myself...that's you if you don't get your act together. Truth is, it already was me, but I eventually saw this thanks to reading and re-reading your posts. If not for you, I'd still be with her today. She wanted to maintain our affair for a number of years until the kids were older(blah, blah). I DEMANDED more and she dumped me. Called me 35 days later begging me to stay in the affair for just one year until she could leave. I didn't take the call or call her back...EVER. When I walked away I did it for good. I did it for me....I did it for you...and I even did it for user lakesiddream. I was early enough in my affair, along with reading this site and your posts, that I was able to walk away and never look back. Maybe happiness for you is being with the MW someday and having her all to yourself. I won't pretend to be able to give you advice...I know where you are and you have to find your own way home. Just know regardless of what happens, you can make it out the other side. Keep your chin up and don't let her get you down!!!! E..H
Lookingforward Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Wow, um, I dont know what to say.. I am glad you have been able to move forward with your life and find happiness.. I hope I can find the strength on one hand or be patient on the other.. I dont know what to do anymore... I love her, and I miss her, but I feel put on a shelf again. If I only knew what the damn truth was. And YES, there is a reason I don't have the trust and faith in what I have been told, and we all know why that is... Thank you, EH, for the kind words jeeez SD, do you really just want to be the consolation prize ? She's not leaving her M - her M is leaving her...............she didn't care enough about YOU to make that decision for herself. Just worried you're going to get hurt all over again.
White Flower Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 It's good to see you around here again, Stampy. Big hugs, WF
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 It aint NC if you still know what she's up to. Your fooling yourself man. She did it to him, she'll do it to you!!! We've been down this road before.
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 It aint NC if you still know what she's up to. Your fooling yourself man. She did it to him, she'll do it to you!!! We've been down this road before. Maybe so, but I shut her phone down and have no intentions on calling or answering any calls that may come my way... Now, if she shows up and is divorced, we will see what road I am on then.. I respect your posts CB
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Maybe so, but I shut her phone down and have no intentions on calling or answering any calls that may come my way... Now, if she shows up and is divorced, we will see what road I am on then.. I respect your posts CB I wouldnt even be with her when she's divorced. How could you honestly trust her after she cheated on her husband, lied to him, deceived him. and not only that led you on for 4 years. Why do you want a woman who cannot and will not make up her damn mind. You've wasted 4 years of your life playing this game with her. Leave him and I'll treat you better crap. C'mon man. You know better. It's timeto do better. and also even is she shows up divorced what's to really guarantee she would want a full time relationship? I mean she was havng her fun while married. I assume she would feel less constrained by being single than being wit someone in a serious commitment. Stamp your better than that man. let her go totally. You'll be fine.
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Something to consider, SD. Her H is trying to understand the size of the affair...how long/far/deep/wide was it? So he's asking questions. He needs to know these things for two reasons...he needs to know in order to decide if he can forgive, and he needs to know in order know what he's being asked to forgive. This is NORMAL. Its a part of his personal recovery...and its an absolutely needed step if there is any marital recovery as well. It sounds like she's still lying to him by omission as well. He's still being forced to ask, rather than her telling him freely. That's another large part of the long delay here in their 'moving forward'. Quite honestly, at this point its anyone's guess if they'll reconcile or not. It could just as easily go either way, depending on a couple of choices that either of them can make. I do agree with CB on the contact, tho. If YOU are still so emotionally invested that you're 'checking up on' the situation...you are still too close. You're prolonging your OWN recovery and healing by doing this. Why not make the "complete break" now...so you can REALLY start to heal?
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Something to consider, SD. Her H is trying to understand the size of the affair...how long/far/deep/wide was it? So he's asking questions. He needs to know these things for two reasons...he needs to know in order to decide if he can forgive, and he needs to know in order know what he's being asked to forgive. This is NORMAL. Its a part of his personal recovery...and its an absolutely needed step if there is any marital recovery as well. It sounds like she's still lying to him by omission as well. He's still being forced to ask, rather than her telling him freely. That's another large part of the long delay here in their 'moving forward'. Quite honestly, at this point its anyone's guess if they'll reconcile or not. It could just as easily go either way, depending on a couple of choices that either of them can make. I do agree with CB on the contact, tho. If YOU are still so emotionally invested that you're 'checking up on' the situation...you are still too close. You're prolonging your OWN recovery and healing by doing this. Why not make the "complete break" now...so you can REALLY start to heal? If I knew how, I would.. I am trying to find the way, Owl, I am.. Again, I let her know that I would NOT be here when she got back, that it was too much, and too much to ask of me.. IF she is sincere and this is "just for the kids", which it could be. They did not get their summer vacation last year, and I know there was alot of guilt because of it, then maybe one day I WILL BE THE ONE thinking about "forgiving".. As far as H goes, you are correct. It has been a year since DDay, and he does not know the scope of it, other than it had been 3 years when he found out, and then he gave it 6 months to "let things settle down", and then BAM! He saw the 2 of us at a restaurant right before the holidays.. And then in Feb/March, more phone records of contact daily.. So, it seems that he has either been on auto-pilot or planning a D..
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I believe he'll divorce her, the minute he stops thinking about it. And focuses on his owb well being. But that isnt and should not be your concern. Your life should have no involvement with theirs. You should not be involved with her deception and her adultery ever again. Find someone else. today. Stop letting what you did with her and all the emotions associated with it take up space in your head.
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I believe he'll divorce her, the minute he stops thinking about it. And focuses on his owb well being. But that isnt and should not be your concern. Your life should have no involvement with theirs. You should not be involved with her deception and her adultery ever again. Find someone else. today. Stop letting what you did with her and all the emotions associated with it take up space in your head. OK, I will be right back.....
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I believe he'll divorce her, the minute he stops thinking about it. And focuses on his owb well being. But that isnt and should not be your concern. Your life should have no involvement with theirs. You should not be involved with her deception and her adultery ever again. Find someone else. today. Stop letting what you did with her and all the emotions associated with it take up space in your head. Seriously though.. Believe me, I am trying. My head goes in circles 24/7 trying to find my way out.. It is not as easy as snapping my fingers and *poof*, all gone. I have been building a relationship for 4 years now, and because of her inability to do the right things, I am standing here trying to pick myself back up.. I am detaching by the minute, I am, and feel very confident that when she gets back in 5 days, that if/when she calls, I WILL NOT ANSWER..
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 OK, I will be right back..... That was kind of funny SD. You know what's what and you know what I think. I'll just add - Keep as busy as you can in the next few weeks and dive into a project that will physically make you tired so you'll just fall into bed and sleep, not think. When she comes back from the trip, try your absolute best NOT to reach for that phone. Infact, can you ask a friend to take it from you? Can you throw it away or even smash it into pieces? Yeah I know it's phone that cost $$, but by doing that, it'll be one less way she can reach out to you when she "feels" like it. Stay strong buddy.
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Why not change your number so that you don't have to KNOW when she tries to call? Or block her number so that she can't get through at all? That way you're not subjected to ANY of the emotions that you'll feel when you know she's tried?
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Why not change your number so that you don't have to KNOW when she tries to call? Or block her number so that she can't get through at all? That way you're not subjected to ANY of the emotions that you'll feel when you know she's tried? I can not change my number, for work purposes.. Let me also say this: The AFFAIR is over. That is all it has become. There is no other relationship with her at this point. Like my analogy, all of the sands in that hour glass have dropped to the other side. I am trying to figure out what is on the other side. I have NO RELATIONSHIP with her anymore. There can't be any more dates, lunches, movies, walks through the park, ball games, anything. It is dead!!! She will either move forward or she won't. BUT I WILL
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 I can understand not being able to change the number due to work reasons. Let me ask a blunt question. What emotions do you go through when you see that she's tried/trying to call you? What do you feel when the phone is ringing, and you know its her on the other end?
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 I can understand not being able to change the number due to work reasons. Let me ask a blunt question. What emotions do you go through when you see that she's tried/trying to call you? What do you feel when the phone is ringing, and you know its her on the other end? well, it's all different now Owl. Before I was glad.. Of course there were times where I knew she couldnt (weekends, nights, etc..) and that bothered me immensly. She still has "my cell phone", but I shut it down the day she left for Florida. And I will not turn it back on. Now, if/when she tries to get ahold of me, it will be a little harder, but not impossible. To answer your question, I think it will be very hard if I see her number pop up on my phone. She will leave a voicemail more than likely and I will listen, I am sure. I will do my best not to call back, no matter what she says. This trip could be my "blessing in disguise". It is a forced NC, but a start none the less. I am sure that me shutting the phone down on her without warning jolted her, and now she has 2 weeks to think about it ALL.. Maybe she won't call. I am a bit suprises that she hasnt by now, honestly. Glad she hasnt but suprised anyway.. "IF" we were to speak again, I dont even know what I would say. I have been assured by her, by my support system around me, that this trip is "for the kids". I have a hard time understanding that, but OK, sure. What is really different? They went to Orlando, and H KNOWS that we did last year.. He knows that we were at a plush resort "on their Anniversary".. So I am sure the trip is no picnic for them.. Anyway, I am rambling. Dont know if I really answered your question or not. ***I would like to get a phone call when she was free, I would like to answer your question then***
Owl Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Well, if you've already made the "I would like to get a phone call when she was free..." abundantly clear to her, and made it equally clear to her that you want NO other contact AT ALL from her until then...and she continues to call....you need to take steps to enforce your own boundary. Block her number, so you don't get the opportunity to hear her voice messages/etc... When she's free at last...she can show up on your doorstep. Its a harder thing to do than just picking up the phone and dialing when she likes. That way you AVOID those feelings you'll get when you hear her voice/etc... Its all about protecting yourself, my friend. All of us have limits...and the smartest ones know what limits to push and what to avoid. You know your own far better than I do...I'm just pointing out what most people need to avoid in order to keep from getting sucked back into the black hole.
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Well, if you've already made the "I would like to get a phone call when she was free..." abundantly clear to her, and made it equally clear to her that you want NO other contact AT ALL from her until then...and she continues to call....you need to take steps to enforce your own boundary. Block her number, so you don't get the opportunity to hear her voice messages/etc... When she's free at last...she can show up on your doorstep. Its a harder thing to do than just picking up the phone and dialing when she likes. That way you AVOID those feelings you'll get when you hear her voice/etc... Its all about protecting yourself, my friend. All of us have limits...and the smartest ones know what limits to push and what to avoid. You know your own far better than I do...I'm just pointing out what most people need to avoid in order to keep from getting sucked back into the black hole. I wouldnt even say that I made that clear to her.. Her, "I'll see you in the fall" statements have been answered quite clearly by me, "There will be NO FALL for me.... This is what I believe. And I can't just sit and wait for fall to come, because you won't be coming.." And I don't know what to believe anymore. I am truly weaning myself off of so much right now, but I am doing it.
stillafool Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Stampdaddy, why do you love this woman so much? Just curious.
Author stampdaddy Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Stampdaddy, why do you love this woman so much? Just curious. I have been asked this question before, at different stages of all of this, and my answer has stayed the same (when I look deep inside).. I love everything about her. From A to Z. HOWEVER, at this point in time I am very frustrated and disappointed in her. I have been as loving and caring, patient and understanding as a man could possibly ever be, EVER! And I still have nothing to show from it.. I do not have a relationship with her anymore. There are only a few remnants of her existence in my house, and they too will be gone. There are no pictures, no clothes, none of her things.. No cards, no notes, NOTHING is left.. So, what do I love anymore anyway?? a memory?
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