He says too much drama, what do I do?

[megnog]

ok so I already have a post floating around here somewhere so I feel stupid that I'm writing a second one. But I need to know what to do. My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years is sick of the "drama". Over the past 6 months we have been doing really well (our relationship before that was a mess!). However this past week I just turned 21 and started hanging out with friends (he was always invited) and we have been fighting a lot more.

 

Anyway to make a long story short I guess he thinks I just keep fighting with him but some of the things are deservedly so (which one of them was my other thread - he crawled out of my bed to sleep in another woman's bed one drunken night at my house!) How should I not be giving him any crap?

Well last night we were supposed to hang out and I blame him and he blames me but we didn't get to hang out. So I decide to go out with a friend to a bar (probably not the best decision). It was completely innocent, I just wanted to go out for a beer (I had TWO, and I was gone all of an hour). but he said he was sick of this, he felt we were going back to our old relationship which he did not want. He was ready to call it quits last night and told me he was going to hang out with an ex girlfriend (something he knew would really piss me off).

 

Anyway I call him after I go to the bar and he didn't pick up. Next morning (today) he calls me saying he went to bed which is why he wasn't picking up his phone. ....ok?

 

Just a little history - a year or two ago whenever we got in fights he would admit to cheating on me. Of course when we settled down he would say he didn't really cheat on me. I found out he did really cheat on me and he kind of rubbed it in my face saying "I always told you but you never listened so I lied and said I didn't" (that was our "end-all" argument when we were breaking up in January)

 

ANYWAY so now I'm upset that he would be so willing to break everything off and I'm also upset that he has apparently been talking to a girl or his ex girlfriend, which of course he tells me he lied about NOW but I don't want to be stupid about it. I don't know what to think.

 

However, the big point of this is that now he claims he is sick of fighting, he wants to be drama free for the next few days but I'm still upset about all these things. Maybe I am being some kind of drama queen but I feel like he just keeps screwing up! Should I just relax? I don't know whats going on anymore.

[Haloandhorns85]

 

Just a little history - a year or two ago whenever we got in fights he would admit to cheating on me. Of course when we settled down he would say he didn't really cheat on me. I found out he did really cheat on me and he kind of rubbed it in my face saying "I always told you but you never listened so I lied and said I didn't" (that was our "end-all" argument when we were breaking up in January)

 

ANYWAY so now I'm upset that he would be so willing to break everything off and I'm also upset that he has apparently been talking to a girl or his ex girlfriend, which of course he tells me he lied about NOW but I don't want to be stupid about it. I don't know what to think.

 

However, the big point of this is that now he claims he is sick of fighting, he wants to be drama free for the next few days but I'm still upset about all these things. Maybe I am being some kind of drama queen but I feel like he just keeps screwing up! Should I just relax? I don't know whats going on anymore.

 

Are you serious? This guy has lied to you how many times? And cheated on you how many times? Seems to me, from experience, he is trying to make you do the dirty work and end it so he doesn't have to. Besides, haven't you ever heard that old saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater"? In most cases, that true. Even with a liar. If he lied to you a couple times, he's gonna lie to you more. Trust is a HUGE part of a relationship. You cannot, let me say that again, CANNOT have a good, healthy relationship without trust. If you can't trust him, then why give him your heart to f*ck with? You should leave this guy in the dust. He is screwing up. Go with your gut instinct. Women have a natural intuition that will never steer you wrong...but you gotta listen to it.

[megnog]

From the way it sounds, I can see your point. However, that was our "old relationship" - one where I did many bad things as well. I would go out, tell him he couldn't go out without me, wouldn't answer my cell phone. I was a terrible girlfriend and I did cheat on him as well (not sex though). Apparently though, he "thought" I cheated on him multiple times from all those times I went out not answering my cell phone - not so. So he has cheated on me multiple times.

Anyway, I realize this is a crooked relationship from the start. But ever since January our lives have been decent. Wherever I go, he is invited. I haven't lied to him since. There have been times that I've been upset because I wonder if he is still talking to the girl he cheated on me with (he told me they had been e-mailing for a while) but he made me feel better by saying "you should know whether or not I'm talking to her judging by how our relationship is going. If you treat me good, I'll treat you good." (... something like that). At this point though I don't know what to do. I thought I had been treating him well this past month. I don't understand why one day he would say how much he loves me, wants to marry me, tells me I make his life so much better. And then the next day, while out of anger, can so quickly want to end things. He said he didn't want to cheat on me again, he told himself if he was going to do that again he would break up with me first. Are these lies out of anger to hurt me or are these truths? I can't decide. Thats my whole problem. I guess this doesn't sound good to anyone but I want this relationship to work. Ask me a week ago and I would have thought without a doubt he wasn't cheating on me or talking to anyone and that he was happy with me. But now, I'm afraid he is doing something wrong.

I guess the real question is - if you suspect someone is cheating or even talking to someone they shouldn't be, what can you do? I don't want to accuse him and push him further and further. For now, I'm trying to act as nonchalant as possible, maybe reminding him that I'm not such a drag to have around as he seems to think..

[Haloandhorns85]

You shouldn't have to convince someone that wants to be with you that your not a drag to have around. If the guy is worth YOUR time, then he should already think AND treat you like that. Now as far as the "crooked relationship", it sounds like a toxic relationship. You lie to him, you cheat on him, in return he lies to you, he cheats on you. That's not really very healthy for either of you. In my honest opinion, I really believe he is trying to put off the actual breaking up on you. But, I can see that you really want this to work. So here is my advice: Reverse Psychology. The next time he says those things to you out of anger, make him follow thru. Tell him this:"Fine...you say you cheated on me? You say you want to break up? Fine then. We're over. Find someone else who is willing to deal with YOUR drama and YOUR bullsh*t. I'm over it." If he really cares about you and really wants to continue the relationship with you...he WILL backtrack on what he said. And he WILL come crawling back to you. It may take a few days or a few weeks, but if he really wants to be with you, he will come back to you. If he doesn't, then you have your answer. Cut your loses and move on. You will be much better off, I promise.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Look, I am going to be honest and hard. You both are messing up this relationship. You are as much a villain in this as he is. Just wanted to get that off my chest so that I am not feeding your ego like so many others have and will probably do.

 

Now this is should be a no brainer, unless you two are going to take relationship counseling, make and effort to make the past the past, and to work (each of you on your own issues) the problems you each have with the relationship AND talk and take account for your own faults you bring in, this relationship should end. Not based on a one sided failing, but the fact you both are toxic to each other.

 

 

DNR