Can we turn it around?

[Confused-Husband]

I was reading some of the posts here and found that many people here can give some good advise, so I registered and decided to see if maybe I can find some help/answers.

 

In a nutshell, my marraige of almost 17 years is in great jeopardy. We have gone through some very tough times over the last few years and we started to grow apart. The other day she told me she doesn't feel the same about me as she used to. She told me that I'm her best friend but that shes not sure shes still in love with me.

 

Although we had a couple hints of the problems surfacing over the last couple of years, I was still devastated to hear this. I still love this woman although I most definately have been gradually becomming distant from her the last few years. So, yesterday, I wrote her a letter opening my heart, discussing out past and our family (we have 2 girls) and the pain I felt knowing all those years of marraige may be ending. I told her that I would do everything I could to try and make it work and asked her to do the same. I told her that she is still the most important thing in my life. Later that day, when she came home, she said she wanted to try.

 

My question is, how can I make someone feel the same about me as she used to? Am I wasting my time? Can you love someone again when you've let it slip away?

[EnigmasMuse]

What kinds of things have happened over the last few years to make you both feel things are slipping away, and are distant from one another?

 

I do think people can rekindle things and start fresh, but it will take alot of hard work and dedication from BOTH partners. If both or even one isn't into trying to make it work then more than likley it wont.

[Screwedover]

but that shes not sure shes still in love with me.

 

Is there anything else going on?

 

This quoted portion is a comment that is often heard from cheating spouses. Is it possible she is stepping out on you?

[Tripper]

Sorry you have to go through this, CH.

Over the course of long term M, people do change - sometimes they grow closer together - sometime apart. This happens on different levels... physically, intellectually, emotionally etc.

 

The question is can it be "repaired"?? Another way of looking at it is, is what you have together better than what you would have apart??

 

I sense from your post that one of the background issues in your situation is that communication between you and your W has broken down. She's gone through some changes, not communicated her needs or situation and now you've been blindsided.

 

I think you need to have a very open and honest discussion between the two of you to see how you came to this point. What she's feeling and why need to be examined. Possibly she has a health issue such as depression or early menopause that is causing these feelings and thoughts to surface.

 

If you can't down with your W and have such a discussion calmly and openly then maybe you should consider doing it in MC where a professional can referee and probe to get both of you some answers.

 

You may want to start the ball rolling by simply asking her what she want's. She may not even be able to articulate an answer as she herself may not know... but you do need to ask the question to open that door.

 

It may not be easy and you may not like what you hear, but you can't live in limbo with uncertainty forever..

 

Good Luck

[Starman]

The good news is that your wife is willing to try, that is a huge first step. Now you both have to keep open the lines of communication to determine why you both think things have progressed to where they are now. Is it due to a lack of intimacy, has the marriage become too routine in everyday tasks, etc. Once you both share these feelings with each other then you can begin the process of rekindling those feelings that brought you two together in the first place.

 

But you are off on the right foot, good luck!!

[Confused-Husband]

Screwedover-

Infedelity was the first thing I thought of. She swears that isn't it. I have no choice but to believe that for now.

 

Starman-

The routine thing is definately a possibility. Intimacy never really went away as far as sex is concerned. Obviously over the years we had our hot times and cold times. One thing she did mention is that I don't kiss her anymore.

 

Tripper-

Do we have it better together then apart? In my mind, I think yes. In her mind I can't know for sure. Depression was discussed and I think it's likely that both of us had been suffering from it for the last few years. We had a business that went down and brought us to financial ruin several years ago and I don't think we ever really recovered. Today we both have good jobs but the years of being depressed and feeling worthless have taken their toll on both of us.

 

enigmasmuse-

I agree it will take both of us. I'm not sure if that will happen or not. One phrase she mentioned that sticks in my mind was "Well try and see what happens". In my mind, I'm deeply concerned that I have far more invested in this relationship then she does. Maybe thats not true, I can't say for sure.

 

If I take her at her words, and take some hope that shes not lying to me about any of this (and I don't believe that is her nature) then I'm left with the monumental task of trying to rebuild what once was. She used to be fiercely in love with me and I her. I'd like to regain that again if I can.

[Jersey Shortie]

My question is, how can I make someone feel the same about me as she used to? Am I wasting my time? Can you love someone again when you've let it slip away?

 

I totally think you can. I think much like the economy, relationships have their ups and downs. It needs to do that so that it can come back up healthy and strong.

 

Just don't expect it to happen over night. It will take time. But you both need to start romancing each other again and finding that spark and love. If you had it once, it's not so far fetched that you can't find it again. And it's very promising that your wife wants to try. It's also very promising that you wrote a letter to express yourself.

 

PS:

And don't look at porn.

[quankanne]

you can get it back, stronger and better than before because of this new awareness of needing to work at it, but only if both partners are committed. And it sounds like you guys are more than just "interested" in trying.

 

the best thing my husband and I did for our marriage was to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend nearly 10 years ago. Boy, did that ever make us focus on our relationship! No outside interference, no hiding from learning how to effectively communicate, a lot of honesty and soul-searching ... my suggestion is that you and your wife look for a similar vehicle (I've heard marriage-builders recommended by several people at the 'Shack) to help you move into this next stage of your relationship.

 

right now, she may not feel like she's "in love" with you, but it doesn't mean that the love is gone, just that she might not feel like she's special anymore, and therefore the relationship has changed on both ends.

[Keridan]

Okay, I have read some great comments in here, but I honestly don't see the sought advice.

 

First, date her again. It sounds simple, but it's HUGELY important. If she's complained that you don't kiss her anymore, then she is likely missing this part of the relationship. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to let go of the chase.

 

Suprise her with flowers, take her to the park and have a random picnic, go out and buy her something you know she wants because you love her, not because it's her birthday. Sprinkle rose petals on the bed and light candles by a warm and ready bathtub. Take her to a nice dinner and spend the whole time staring at her like there is nothing else in the world that could bring you joy.

 

Second, bring back the affection. Kiss her for no reason, tell her she looks hot today (putting it crudely might even get you a good smile), Don't have sex without an absurd amount of foreplay.

 

You said you two used to be passionately in love. So fall in love again. Treat her like a new woman. She probably is after all these years. Get to know her again.

 

You can't pretend the challenges of life don't exist, but you can make them secondary to the beauty of having each other.

[Confused-Husband]

Okay, I have read some great comments in here, but I honestly don't see the sought advice.

 

First, date her again. It sounds simple, but it's HUGELY important. If she's complained that you don't kiss her anymore, then she is likely missing this part of the relationship. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to let go of the chase.

 

Suprise her with flowers, take her to the park and have a random picnic, go out and buy her something you know she wants because you love her, not because it's her birthday. Sprinkle rose petals on the bed and light candles by a warm and ready bathtub. Take her to a nice dinner and spend the whole time staring at her like there is nothing else in the world that could bring you joy.

 

Second, bring back the affection. Kiss her for no reason, tell her she looks hot today (putting it crudely might even get you a good smile), Don't have sex without an absurd amount of foreplay.

 

You said you two used to be passionately in love. So fall in love again. Treat her like a new woman. She probably is after all these years. Get to know her again.

 

You can't pretend the challenges of life don't exist, but you can make them secondary to the beauty of having each other.

 

Great advice, thank you

[whichwayisup]

She used to be fiercely in love with me and I her. I'd like to regain that again if I can.

 

Then start "dating" her again. Make out and kiss, remember what it was that brought you two together in the first place. Treat her with love, tenderness and as a woman. Make her feel loved and desirable again, sexy and beautiful. Do nice things for her, for no reason but because you love her. And, she needs to do the same for you! Start putting eachother first, instead of letting life get in the way.

 

If you both want it to work, it CAN work. But it takes 100% effort from both of you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Treat her like a new woman. She probably is after all these years. Get to know her again.

Bingo! Look at it this way - if your marriage broke up and you eventually started a new relationship, you'd be doing all those little thoughtful and touching things for your "new" woman that we do in the beginning. For your best chance, turn back the clock and make her feel like you're connecting for the first time. It may feel silly and awkward at first, but I'd wager that the payoff could be significant...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused-Husband]

Well last night, I bought her some flowers and a card. I jotted down some feelings I had on the card and set up a date at one of our favorite restaraunts. When she got home she said she doesn't think it will work no matter what we do. I spent literally all night trying to convince her that 20 years is too precious to throw away without trying. I asked her to try and forgive me for all the things I've done or not done. I told her she means everything to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and that if she can just try, we can slowly make it happen again.

 

She wouldn't commit to that. I gave everything I had last night to her and I think I still struck out. Bring on the pain and bitterness. I'm completely lost right now.

[EnigmasMuse]

Well last night, I bought her some flowers and a card. I jotted down some feelings I had on the card and set up a date at one of our favorite restaraunts. When she got home she said she doesn't think it will work no matter what we do. I spent literally all night trying to convince her that 20 years is too precious to throw away without trying. I asked her to try and forgive me for all the things I've done or not done. I told her she means everything to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and that if she can just try, we can slowly make it happen again.

 

She wouldn't commit to that. I gave everything I had last night to her and I think I still struck out. Bring on the pain and bitterness. I'm completely lost right now.

 

"When she got home she said she doesn't think it will work no matter what we do."

 

Oh I'm so sorry this is happening to you!! You deserve so much better than this. Sounds like you have really tired and put forth the effort, and the sad part is, its one sided, and you've been in this by yourself. A marriage is two people. Once again I'm sorry, try to hang in there and continue to post here for support.

[Jennifer26]

Keridan's advice was really good and I would follow it. I know it may seem pointless because the flowers and card didn't get the results you had hoped for, but it won't work overnight.

 

Keep trying though. Remember back to when you two began dating and were in the courting phase of your relationship. How did you act then, what sorts of things did you do? Most people put in far more effort in the beginning and as the years go on become complacent and stop putting in the effort.

 

Make her feel special again. Kisses, public displays of affection, compliments, planning something special for the two of you.. whatever you can think of. And don't give up right away, it took time for your wife to fall out of love with you and it is going to take some time for her to fall back in love.

 

I don't believe once someone falls out of love that is it. I think throughout a marriage you have periods where you might grow apart and out of love, but I think that it can be ameliorated.

 

You said you've asked her to forgive you for things you've done or not done? Do you know what those things may be? Often women in relationships will "nag" their men for a while to change things or give them hints they're unhappy. And when those things go unchanged, often we'll give up and that is when the resentment starts to build. I would be willing to bet there is more to this than just lack of affection. There are probably many key things she has said to you over the years that you may not have taken seriously. Try to think back to what those things might be.

[whichwayisup]

She has to give it her best. For starters, marriage counselling could help -Both of you should go together and separately. The marriage counsellor can work with you both one on one, and hopefully bring you two back to where you should be.

 

Right now her mindset is negative and she can't see the future or how it will turn out if she digs down deep and gives it her everything.

 

Hate to ask, but is there a possibility that she's met someone and that's why she's so sure it won't work? The I love you, but I'm not inlove with you syndrome?

 

When she got home

 

Where was she?

[JackJack]

I'm not saying to give up on trying to work things out, BUT keep in the back of your mind, one has to wonder how long to keep trying and holding on to hope before they know that its really time to give up the fight. I'm not saying don't fight for your marriage, but thats not something you can do alone for long before you'll become tired.

[whichwayisup]

The other thing is, IF in her mind the marriage is over, then it is over. Chances are she detached a long time ago and did her grieving a while ago as well - Which could be why she's so sure that fixing the marriage won't work.

[JackJack]

The other thing is, IF in her mind the marriage is over, then it is over. Chances are she detached a long time ago and did her grieving a while ago as well - Which could be why she's so sure that fixing the marriage won't work.

 

Exactly. And thats why I say don't try to fight for something for to long that you are fighting by yourself. If she has already checked out of the marriage and not going to fight along with you, then your efforts could become tiresome and pointless.

[whichwayisup]

This is why I wonder too, if there is someone else.

[Keridan]

I'm sorry as well that the first attempt didn't work out so well! You seem like you have the right idea and are willing to put in the effort. Unfortunately, you can't do everything by yourself. She has to be at least open to rebuilding the relationship.

 

That being said, however, don't give up too easy! So the first try didn't work out so well. I am really sorry about that, but have you made it through so many years of marriage by giving up that easy? My honest advice would be to politely reject her rejection and move on to step two.

 

Someone who cares as much as you do deserves the same affection in return. You probably want to give yourself a point at which you will be willing to give up, but don't make it too soon. You obviously love this woman and are willing to work for it.

 

I wish you all the best and hope things turn around for you!

[TCatherine]

It sounds like you have had a hard time.. i am sorry for your pain. I think the dating thing is good, but don't overdo it, because if she is feeling like pulling away, nothing is worse than being smothered. I am not saying to back off, but maybe try to remember why she fell in love with YOU in the first place? It might be hard to find the self-esteem required at this point, but that is what you need. If she has moved on emotionally for real, there may not be any way to get her back, but just try to be the man she fell in love with. Flirting, joking, confidence... i cannot remember any guy in my life winning me over with roses or presents or love until I already cared.. what made her care?? Once she cares, the flowers, cards, poems etc. will seal the deal, but until you are getting positive feedback, act like you are just starting to date.. the very beginning.. getting her interested in you.

[Confused-Husband]

Well a few days have gone by and we are "working on it". By this I mean mostly me lol. I'm doing all of those above suggestions and more. I leave her notes around the house telling her I love her and that I'm thinking about her. I text her with more of the same. I tell her I love her constantly and her normal reply is "I know" or maybe a weak "I love you too". I've been taking her out on dates, holding her hand, massaging her feet on a bench on the sidewalk, that sort of thing.

 

I know I have to be patient here cause it's going to take time. I'm given hope by those of you that said you don't think a person really falls completely out of love, just low points now and again. But it's difficult for me to be affectionate when I'm not getting the response I was hoping for. I don't want to rip apart our home and our kids lives over this and I just wish she'd give the 100% that I am right now to try and save it. I'm an intelligent, thoughtful and compasionate husband. Women tell me often that I'm a good looking guy (maybe not what I was 2o years ago). I've faithful to her for 20 years and I'm a little upset that she would just toss all that away like yesterdays garbage along with our kids and our home.

 

I'm willing to keep putting in the effort. I'm just concerned shes gonna wait 2 weeks and say well, we tried but it didn't work, sorry.

[carribeanblue]

:'( I'm so touched of the effort you gave to your wife, i want to cry. Well, I don't know if I can give you an advice but I have a testimony.

 

Few months ago, I found loveshack looking for some advice and enlightenment about what's goin' on with my marriage. I still haven't gotten back to that thread for the updates. Maybe I should do it now.

 

Anyway, my husband was the same way. He just seemed like he fell out of love from me. Maybe our situation is different since we've only been married for a year. I did the same like you did. I always reminded him how much I love him, sent cards, gifts. I even made a portrait of him and gave it to him. I made poems etc. There are times when I feel appreciated, there are times when I feel rejected and ignored. I continued to be being nice even when he left me and abandoned me.

 

I understand what you mean by doing mostly all the effort of working on it. Thus, putting you in a one sided relationship. I wished so much my husband would open his eyes and love me again. But to be honest, none of those nice things worked. I'm not saying it will happen to you too. Each situation is different.

 

We've been going on a roller coaster on our marriage. There are times he'd be so nice, there are times he'd be so nasty. He'd leave me and then beg me to come back.

 

One thing that change our whole marriage though is when I was already in a point of giving up. I talked to him and told him I don't want this anymore. And that, I know in my heart that I did EVERYTHING to make our marriage work. And I cannot live my whole life taking all of this pain. I told him it's not me, it's him. I am not the problem, it's him. I told him I'll leave, and when I go, I don't want to do anything with him anymore. I don't even want to look back. I'm not telling him about my plans. I'm DONE! I deserve better than this. I wasn't mad. I was just being honest about what I felt.

 

I don't know if that conversation helped him opened his eyes. Or maybe it's something else. But after that day, he came to me and apologized. No begging, no crying. He told he wants a family with me. And asked me to stick with him. I had no emotion. I did not promise anything. I never said a single word. But I listened to everything he has to say.

 

It's been 3 months now and I'm still here with him. He's striving to be a better husband anyone could ever ask for. The man that I fell in love with, the same person that I marry is back. For some reason, I feel loved again. I appreciate everything he does. Everything comes naturally. No promises, no expectations. But I'm happy I don't know how long this will last. I sure hope and pray it's for good.

[Keridan]

Confused-Husband, your wife is a very lucky woman. I'm sorry that she doesn't seem that terribly responsive. It has to make an already hard situation that much tougher. I honestly am unsure of what to tell you at this point. I can only hope it goes better.

 

Is her attitude changing at all? Is it slow to improve or not at all? I know you haven't been at this very long, but are you seeing any change at all? This really has to be a two person endeavor in order to work. Even if you are willing to do most of the effort she has to be at least open to change.

 

I am heartened to hear the enthusiasm you are putting into this. One caution I would give is not to go so far that she believes it's impossible for you to keep up or that it's an act. I don't mean hold back, just be sure she knows how genuine it is.

 

Also, just to see if you can get her to warm up a bit, maybe try something new or something you haven't done in a while. Amusement park, vacation, bungee jumping or a live play. It doesn't matter, just mix it up with something entertaining and that doesn't make her feel like she has to talk about anything important.

 

Good luck, friend!