David33313 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I'm in a wonderful relationship, I have finally found someone that loves me for me and who has my best interest in mind. We've been dating for about 7 months, we've accepted the age difference (she is 21 years older than me) and have begun planning our future together, just when I felt that everything was fine she brought to my attention that she is not over her ex, that she has not found closure with him and that she needs to see him to see if their is anything still there so she will "not have any regrets" and that she wants to rid him from her system so that she can focus on me 100%. I allowed her to e-mail him because I trusted her but now I feel like an idiot because it seemed like that was the precursor (i.e, feelings we're reignited) to the situation that I'm currently in. To say I was shook up was an understatement. I mean this is an individual that neglects his children, abuses both drugs and alcohol I mean I just don't get why their would be any room for doubt?? She told me countless times that she was stupid before for taking him back, and for being with him, granted they have a long history (they've known each other for 20 some odd years) but I mean come on what is she thinking?? I feel so torn because I don't feel like the rebound guy (e.g, she says she loves me and wants to spend her life with me) but it appears that I am. She says that she is going to go see him in a month or two "to make sure that he is alright and to finally end it" and that she is not "asking for my permission". I love her and I cant imagine life without her and I'm happy that she was honest with me but I don't know what to do from here; she wants us to continue as normal but the uncertainty is what bothers me the most (a man does not want to invest time and energy into something and see it go nowhere). Any advice would be appreciated
Javelin Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 My current girlfriend went through phases like this for about a year's time, over a similar mentally abusive ex-boyfriend. The only differences between your relationship and mine are: My girlfriend and I are the same age, there's no gap between the two of us. My girlfriend had been with her ex-boyfriend for less than a year. Aside from the differences in time, everything else is similar.... Advice You're going to have be firm with her and let her know that her actions will mean that you'll leave her. Why should you sit around and wait for her to get over someone else? If she wasn't ready to be in a relationship, then she should have taken the nessicary time and kept your relationship a friendship. I say this because it worked for my girlfriend... She called me one night crying because of her ex-boyfriend and it was the final straw for me. I broke up with her and said if she really wants to be back with him, then she's can be with him. I wished her luck, told her I would always love her and she'd always be in my heart... Hung up the phone and went on about my life.. We talked for the next couple of days, but she knew I was 100% serious and couldn't believe she would actually lose me. Anywho, during our time part I guess my girlfriend weighed out her options and decided that she really wanted to be with me, but she then read a comment posted on my blog from another girl (a friend of mine, that she did not like) and felt she needed to get me back before someone else did... She didn't know I was hoping she'd come back to me! So at 2am she came over my house and just poured her heart to me. I didn't take her back right away either, I think I played the, 'thinking about it' game for a couple more days and then got back together with her. We've been a much better couple ever since. - She hasn't had contact with her ex-boyfriend in over 8 months now. - She doesn't cry about him or even think about him. - She uses our relationship as strength to over come him and it worked. She could careless about him and when I bring him up, she usually says, ' f*ck him! ' Hehe, it's amazing how much stronger she has become! Trust me man, it's a win/win honestly. You break up with her means 1 or 2 things will happen... 1) She'll forget about her ex and focus on you - You win because she realizes that you are a much better person! 2) She shows her true color and goes for closure anyway. - You win because you're no longer dating a weak person.
Author David33313 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Javelin thanks for the reply. I've been thinking about what you have been suggesting and I'm just not sure if I have the strength to do that, it's hard to say goodbye to someone that you love, it may not be goodbye forever but it's hard. I mean I have other things to way that impact my decision making (e,g. We are currently sharing an apartment and getting ready to move into another) so for the forseable future we are financially dependant upon one another, I mean I donot want to move into another apartment being unsure about the status of our relationship.... But thanks for the advice Javelin, much to consider.
orangesean Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Isn't that all sort of manipulative. I'm sort of dealing with this right now, but I really don't think the girl I'm seeing is attached to her ex as much right now as she may think... I'm not sure. I guess I should be worried, but I feel confident her feelings will wane the more she sees me. Is that arrogant? She broke up with him 7 months ago, but had a rebound boyfriend between that was 4 months long. She maintains I am not a rebound. I also got out of a 4 year relationship 3 months ago, but I seem to lack all the residual ex longing like others at this point. But it's all thanks to no contact and a re-evaluation. It seems like you can't really "trick" someone on getting over their ex, but at the same time, what are you really supposed to do? What's crossing the line? Should no one ever see or talk to their ex again after a break up as a general rule?
nab0610 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 as the old saying goes if you love them let them go...if they come back to you it was meant to be
imbewildered Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 just when I felt that everything was fine she brought to my attention that she is not over her ex, that she has not found closure with him and that she needs to see him to see if their is anything still there so she will "not have any regrets" and that she wants to rid him from her system so that she can focus on me 100%. I allowed her to e-mail him because I trusted her but now I feel like an idiot because it seemed like that was the precursor (i.e, feelings we're reignited) to the situation that I'm currently in. You need to take a stand here a let her KNOW that you are not willing to let her "to and fro" in this way, with you sitting on the backburner just waiting and hoping that she will "choose "you. SHe is abusing your trust and your committment by suggesting that she see him to resolve her feelings . THis is not how adults behave -this is how stupid emotional teens go about things. Man , we ALL have some leftover feelings for our Ex's . I do ,and I have a lot of EX's to think about and yearn for. However the reason that they are EX's is that they were not a good fit to be SO's. They acted in ways that disqualified them from an LTR. "Feelings" are irrelevant in this context. YOu need to make a stand and mean it, because if she sees her Ex there is a very good chance that whatever latent and lingering feelings that she IMAGINES that she has may be re-ignited . However there is one other take on this . She may be inventing this whole scenario to avoid making a firm committment to a future with you . She is buying some time and creating some distance by suggesting that she has some residual "feelings" for her EX. Lastly her statement that she is "not looking for your permission" is outrageous and disrespectful in the extreme. That alone would be a dealbreaker for me. She owes you the courtesy of at least clearing her plans with you BEFORE she takes one forward step towards her ex. I know how you feel here, I have been ambushed one time by a woman who pulled this stunt. When I revealed her scam, it boiled down to this - She wanted me to be absolutely committed and exclusive to her, BUT she wanted the freedom to date others and live like a single woman when it suited her. I suggested that if she wants it that way, then we are now BOTH free to date and form intimate relationships with others. She asked me hat I intended to do, and I replied that I plan to date another woman starting this coming Saturday night and that our relationship is now only one of several that I intend to form. She squealed and squirmed so I hit DELETE on her. Good riddance. I learned by that experience that no amount of great s*x, or having a hot woman in your life is worth surrendering your values, and self respect. I suggest you think about doing the same.
Recommended Posts