v33 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hey folks, So I've recently met a woman who has two young children. The two of us get along fantastically and I would like to continue dating her with the possibility of a long term relationship down the road. I have not met her kids yet as she currently has unofficial joint custody of them, but full custody is an almost certain situation in the future. I have a pretty flexible schedule with no major commitments other than my 9-5. I understand that she will not always be %100 available as her children will be a priority. I have no intention of stringing her along nor do I want to just be a temporary presence in her life only to disappear. What I am saying is that my intentions are good and I have no problems with her kids being part of our life, but never having been in this kind of situation, what should I expect? I don't think I am overlooking any obvious issues, nor do I have any stigma attached to the situation but this is completely new to me. Any similar experiences to share? Any advice from single moms?
imbewildered Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hey folks, Any similar experiences to share? Any advice from single moms? Yeah I have been married to one. The kids were great -too bad about their mother. All women in her position are different. Some are contenders and some are not, however the biggest RED FLAG is when she has recruited her children to be her comforters, her confidantes, her emotional sponges or WORSE -her "friends". THis is common in single mothers and to do so is an abuse of her mothering role. MOm will tell you how "close" she is to her children. That means that she has engulfed them with her needs. Children are not here to supply their moms with comfort or keep them company nor to provide emotional support to their divorced mother. Mothers are supposed to "be there " for their kids, not the other way around. Some giveaways signs of dysfunction in single mother households are - *An almost complete removal of discipline and firm limits and boundaries. The children act as if they have the status, power, and decision making freedom of an adult. *The sharing of the mother's personal or intimate emotional information with the children. *Breaking dates with you because one of the children is "upset" . There are more, but these are some early danger signs.
saraispiel19 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hmm. Well I am not a single mother (but I am a mother) but if I were I would definately want someone that I could depend on- and by what your saying your definately on the right track. It's great that she hasn't introduced you to the kiddies yet (you want to make sure the both of you are on the same page and also if the children are ready; depending how old they are and how recent the seperation was). Speaking of seperation; how long has it been since she's been "single" so to speak? You have to realize if it's too soon you'll become that cliché "rebound" and it's best to give her her space and take time to get to know one another and especially wait to move in with eachother. What you need to do - as strong as this woman may seem- you need to be patient and take the time for this relationship to grow and to get to know one another. Breakups in the end are a mutual agreement; things don't turn rotten for no reason, find out the reason why it didn't work out with her ex, then you'll find the key element to what is "wrong with her" (bad way to put it but you can tell what your future girlfriend is like or boyfriend by examining thier past relationships). Be patient that is all I can say- if you rush things you'll just end up with a bad taste in your mouth. Another thing to think of: since the "provider" has left the home she may become needy or clingy especially if this was recent- people tend to feel lost once they have endured such a long relationship especially if it was a toxic or unhealthy one. The best you can do is be yourself, show your true colors and be prepared to be shut down whenever she feels uncomfortable with a certain situation. It takes time to heal wounds from an old relationship especially if there are children involved. You sound like you could be this lady's "prince" but remember she will always think you might turn back into a "frog". Good luck to you- enjoy your relationship and take it slow.
trubella Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 well coming from a single mom, i think youve nailed the most important thing..her time is divided and number 1 priority is usually in most cases always the kids first. so if you can deal with that you should be fine. I also think its a positive when a guy shows interest when kids are involved. i know when i dated guys in the past and they seemed aloof when i would bring up my son in a conversation thats usually when i'd get rid of him. since your in the early stages of dating she probably wont introduce u to the kids yet, but when shes ready to do that she will, dont push the issue. it took several months for me introduce my son to my current bf, because i wanted to make sure he was here for the longrun. also i dont know how involved the kids father is but if this does turn into a LTR, i would make sure everything is smooth sailing. ive heard some horror stories of exes when children are involved, so i hope she and the ex are atleast civil towards eachother. no ill will involved. gluck.
theobserver Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Trubella has given some sound advice, and other responses are valid also. You seem like a good well rounded guy. Not much to do but wait, they will be introduced eventually just be polite and what not, they will also be looking to see if you are really in love with their mum or if you are there for a quicky I don't think it really matters how old they are all children will be checking you out the first couple of days/months/visits heh just be on your best behavior. You asked for some future issues that may come up. I wanted to bring up discipline, as this may come up in the future and depending on their age. Obviously you will never be able to discipline these children as if they were your own no matter how much she loves and trusts you and if they are the misbehaving type you will just have to deal with it I mean you can use your voice but don't be an ass, and ofcourse never use any force with them no matter how frustrating it gets you will be dumped on the spot, if your girlfriend is spank as in proper spanking (not the type where someone things a punch is spanking, sigh) let her do it even if she gives you permission refuse and leave it to her. (Im not getting into a discipline debate people, so Im going to swiftly move on) in short always mostly leave it to her to sort out but you can ofcourse set some rules. I don't care who you are how well your relationship is one day when you argue and you will argue the dreaded "they're not mine/ they're not your children" will come up no matter much much you love, respect and care for the children as your own. Understand this is out of anger and will probably come up rarely, mostly when/if you cross the line if it's always coming up in an argument then something is wrong and you both need to talk. Try not to feel so hurt as well you know.. your having an argument people say the most hurtful things in the heat of the moment. Try not to be super step-dad , yes be a father, be a friend but don't go mad about it never push that your some sort of replacement the children and your partner may resent you. No matter what never ever ever put down their bio father infront of them or to your girlfriend (unless it's established you can bash him with her if you knew him on a personal level etc), never use it as a weapon, if your girlfriend likes to put him down well.. that's her opinion and her right but it's nothing to do with you really and believe me the kids wont want to hear it from you even if he's the biggest deadbeat and especially if he's actually a decent dad. Hmm what else, if things get serious and you all move in with eachother don't be an ass or tight with money IF they end up living with both of you. They are a full package, if you're not used to spending a lot of your salary get ready to. More food, clothes, possible school trips. Don't pay for everything though, you don't want to be a door mat try to 50/50 when possible depending on her financial system. You already know your not going to be 1st place alot of the time. Nor 2nd in this case. However there should be some occassions where she should be making the effort and you too ofcourse. Keep the sex fresh, keep being romantic, reminder her how sexy she is and how crazy she drive you. ANY mother needs to hear this this goes to every man reading this with the mother of his children/step children. Children around can sometimes desexualize a woman unless you remind her she is still a woman who wants to be satisfied and wanted, set aside some times but also be random and surprise her she'll love you forever. In short the future will hold a lot of respect earning, possible financial strains, and a lot of comprimising and pleasing BUT if you pull it off just right you'll gain it all back and some extra love and you'll be the happiest man in the world. Maybe I typed too much maybe too little heh I hope some others can add other things. Best of luck, hope everything goes smooth with the first meet up with kids and you have a good relationship.
Author v33 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks for the insight and advice, everyone. To answer a couple questions that were brought up : She has been single for a year. Dated a bit and had a short rebound relationship. She says she is honestly ready to get to know someone now and I do feel that I can trust her judgment. She really has her life and head together. There is no ex drama to speak of. He lives relatively far away and doesn't seem very interested in a connection with her anyways. Anyways, I'll take it slow (as best as we can) and keep it honest. I'm a decent guy, and she's a decent girl...so far so good.
Lizzie60 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 My only advice: Make sure that, when you meet the kids, you, both, are certain about your relationship... Kids are not puppets.. they are human beings and they need both parents and people around them to respect their innoncence and vulnerability. Kids should and have to be her no. 1 priority. It's hard to date single parents... btdt.. and it never worked, in my case. You have to be willing to be the second 'violin'...
Author v33 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 My only advice: Make sure that, when you meet the kids, you, both, are certain about your relationship... Kids are not puppets.. they are human beings and they need both parents and people around them to respect their innoncence and vulnerability. Kids should and have to be her no. 1 priority. It's hard to date single parents... btdt.. and it never worked, in my case. You have to be willing to be the second 'violin'... Thanks, I am not taking this situation lightly.... I certainly don't want to unbalance her life or her children's. I think she is a fantastic, wonderful, confident and stable woman and this makes her highly attractive to me. I am great full that she feels the same way. Looking forward to the next time I can see her in person when we can lightly discuss the situation, assuming she is willing. We communicate very well. However I am letting her decide the when and the how or even the if of introducing me to her family. I respect her and therefore her choice of how to handle it.
goingforgold Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 RUN as fast as u can in the opposite direction...lol....just kidding. I do hope it works out for you. I personally would never date someone with kids, i dont like kids and they annoy me lol too much baggage that i dont personally need.
imbewildered Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 i dont like kids and they annoy me lol too much baggage that i dont personally need. Fortunately for you, your parents did not share your prejudices. You sound kind of full of yourself.
KinAZ Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 I can't speak for other moms, only myself and what I've seen. Some women are OK with bring a guy right in around her children, and I'm the complete opposite. I'm paranoid about scarring my children, and so I DON'T bring them around my romantic interests. Because of this, it makes my time all the more precious. hahaha So, from me, you could expect to see me only around certain times or certain days, unless I made special childcare arrangements for an event. Therefore, I might be more unavailable than many other moms out there. Although I haven't had to break dates frequently because of my children or childcare issues, be VERY understanding if it comes up. And very understanding and considerate if I had to make special arrangements just to go out with you. And with me, a guy would have to be VERY understanding that I'm protective of my little ones. i.e. Don't take it personal if I'm not ready for you to go to the zoo with you and my children after 3 months of dating. So, whatever her "rules" regarding her children might be, try to be understanding and respectful of that. Also, although I might not bring a guy around, it's always nice when they do take interest, suggesting the zoo, a baseball game, or something like that. Maybe this is a little off course, but it is a major pet peeve of mine for parents to introduce their dates to their children so quickly. I was seeing a guy who also had joint custody of his daughter, I was there over night... fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie. NOTHING at all happened, and his daughter came out of her room, but I didn't even know she was there. She was old enough to have some general understanding of the situation, at least, and it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences I've ever had. His explanation was that her mother brings men around their daughter all the time. That was not acceptable for me. He shouldn't, she should... lol... no one should in my opinion. I'm only telling this story to highlight that some of a mother's... feelings about certain things can be pretty strong. While there isn't too much difference between dating me with children, and dating me before I had children other than time restraints, and how long it will be before I invite you over for the family BBQ, the few things that I do have "rules" about I am very serious about.
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