ate_the_paint Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Feels like we're all survivors or war vets...I notice the same theme in every story (I read them all the way through...there's some wisdom in every thread). Four short months ago I never would have realized that such a community exists. I thought my life was going fine. I never imagined that so much pain and trauma was waiting just around the corner for me. It's like surviving a train wreck...you don't see it coming. And then you're life is changed forever. Someone mentioned that they would like to see posts from the Dumpers (the real ones; those who get bored, cheat, don't feel like trying to work things out, lie, and then blind-side the person they were pretending to love). It's too bad that they're not on here. I would love to read some of their posts. Anyways, getting to know everyone's different personality is great, and reading their advice and then the stories that brought them here in the first place is enlightening. By the way, should we call a REAL Dumper by a different name? How about coward?
kizik Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Playing the part of the Dumper tonight, Mr. Kizik. "Basically I felt like I couldn't keep up my end of the R anymore. Every time I saw him, I felt like I couldn't be myself and that he was suffocating me. When he said 'I love you,' I said it back, but it broke my heart because I knew I didn't mean it. He didn't DO anything to make me fall out of love with him. Actually, maybe he did TOO much. He was always there for me, and never got mad at me. I just pushed him and pushed him. I picked on him for little things he did. I couldn't help myself from doing it. And he just LET me do it. It was like he was spineless and couldn't stand up for himself. And it turned me off, a lot, because a real man would have said: 'SHUT UP! If you're gonna be such a bitch, I'm gone!' Instead, he apologized all the time and let me walk all over him. Which just made me want to do it more. I was far along in my career, and he didn't even know what he wanted to do yet. Sure, he wrote good songs, but that's not a career; that's a hobby. We were on very different paths, and I knew it wasn't going to work out. But I didn't have the heart to tell him. So I just pretended like it would be OK. But it all came to a head when I screamed at him over some stupid stuff. He didn't do anything to deserve it, but I guess I just used that night as the final push-away. I told him he could never remember anything, that he was rude to my parents, that I didn't feel like he even liked me, let alone loved me. That it shouldn't be this much work. When he called me that night, I said, 'You know what? I'm with my mom, and we're actually having fun', in this really rude tone. We broke up the next day. He said he wasn't going to try to hold us together anymore; that he couldn't be the only one who wanted to stay. And by that point, I didn't care. I was exhausted. I was heartbroken. I let it go, because I didn't love him, and I knew we would never make it in the long run."
trust Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Playing the part of the Dumper tonight, Mr. Kizik. "Basically I felt like I couldn't keep up my end of the R anymore. Every time I saw him, I felt like I couldn't be myself and that he was suffocating me. When he said 'I love you,' I said it back, but it broke my heart because I knew I didn't mean it. He didn't DO anything to make me fall out of love with him. Actually, maybe he did TOO much. He was always there for me, and never got mad at me. I just pushed him and pushed him. I picked on him for little things he did. I couldn't help myself from doing it. And he just LET me do it. It was like he was spineless and couldn't stand up for himself. And it turned me off, a lot, because a real man would have said: 'SHUT UP! If you're gonna be such a bitch, I'm gone!' Instead, he apologized all the time and let me walk all over him. Which just made me want to do it more. I was far along in my career, and he didn't even know what he wanted to do yet. Sure, he wrote good songs, but that's not a career; that's a hobby. We were on very different paths, and I knew it wasn't going to work out. But I didn't have the heart to tell him. So I just pretended like it would be OK. But it all came to a head when I screamed at him over some stupid stuff. He didn't do anything to deserve it, but I guess I just used that night as the final push-away. I told him he could never remember anything, that he was rude to my parents, that I didn't feel like he even liked me, let alone loved me. That it shouldn't be this much work. When he called me that night, I said, 'You know what? I'm with my mom, and we're actually having fun', in this really rude tone. We broke up the next day. He said he wasn't going to try to hold us together anymore; that he couldn't be the only one who wanted to stay. And by that point, I didn't care. I was exhausted. I was heartbroken. I let it go, because I didn't love him, and I knew we would never make it in the long run." Yeah, you've got some growing up to do. So he needed to put you in your place? Is that what you're saying? That's what a "real man" does? Better a dump now than a divorce later.
kizik Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hi Trust, I was playing the part of my ex girlfriend. ATP wanted a post from a Dumper, so I tried to get inside my Dumper's head. I guess I did a good job!
Sagwa Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Everyone's story gave me insight and in its own way helped me out but the major point in this tragic event that turned everything around was when an epiphany hit me that I no longer wanted him and would never want to again and all I truly wanted was to be friends. It took nearly four months and one panic attack to get there and now I can say I'm happy again and it doesn't hurt anymore.
replicator Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Welcome paint eater.. This is a good place. It really helped me get through the past few months. An unexpected break up is unbelievably difficult, and having some people to talk with and reach out for support is a great thing. As for the dumpers.. Every situation is different, but generally, if they were able to leave - they are in a different place emotionally. I think it is less likely are scouring the web and visiting these forums like us (although there are a few). We, the dumped, are the ones who are broken, and with shattered self esteem. We're the ones wondering how someone we loved and cherished could just give up and not try to work things out.. We're the ones searching for answers..
melodymatters Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Funnyy post Kiz ! ... And sometimes the "dumpers"are on here, because though we loved each other, they weren't healthy enough to be in a relationship with, so we let them go, and come on here to grieve and learn how to make better choices next time.
underpants Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Someone mentioned that they would like to see posts from the Dumpers (the real ones; those who get bored, cheat, don't feel like trying to work things out, lie, and then blind-side the person they were pretending to love). It's too bad that they're not on here. I would love to read some of their posts. You can find that too. There are areas of the site devoted to that. I spent months reading some of the archive threads before I even joined. I just wanted a better understanding of human processing and the character traits that lead to decisions or actions. i.e. what to embrace and what to let go of. I'm glad you found you way here. Stick around, read and see what you may be avoiding. The light at the end of a tunnel, or silver lining, so to speak. Chin up Paint. Read, learn, and contribute where you can. No where to go but up and more enlightened. This is a good thing.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Feels like we're all survivors or war vets...I notice the same theme in every story (I read them all the way through...there's some wisdom in every thread).Ohh! You've read my story! You must be bored to tears! I've survived much worse than a break up so I feel pretty at home among survivors. I came to LS because I felt like I couldn't talk to friends about how I was feeling. I have so much less experience with "falling in love" than most of them. This was only my second time and the first time I lost him to an illness. Don't get me wrong I've loved but I just don't "fall". I tend to be too practical to try to get into a relationship based on how I feel early on. I have no idea what possessed me to try this time but I've learned nothing from the break up. I did find out that I can fall in love and that is good but I'm not sure I'll ever be that spontaneous with my emotions again. Nice to meet you paint! By way of introduction I give you ...(drum roll)... Charlotte, the short version (in case you hadn't actually read my story) Took a chance on a flaky feeling and fell in love. I was so happy I thought I'd never see the ground again. I was free of fear and full of hope with someone else for the first time ever! The guy I thought was really great and worth my love then proceeded to (metaphorically) drag me through the mud and knock me down off my cloud with a lead pipe over and over again until every ounce of hard earned hope, trust and positive thinking were gone. All because he wasn't strong enough to do a little work during the "negotiation phase". My worst fear came true. Got hurt. Got over it. I am forced to navigate the after effects in total darkness. The moral of the story: Falling in love is a lie and a fantasy. Real love is about communication, trust and commitment without that there is nothing. He never loved me and I obviously didn't know him at all. Fin. The only battle I am fighting is the one that keeps me looking to find someone who is strong enough to be with me because it was a long hard road for me to be strong enough to love. I feel like a veteran in that regard. Your turn.
Nevermind Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Falling in love is a lie and a fantasy. Real love is about communication, trust and commitment without that there is nothing. He never loved me and I obviously didn't know him at all. Fin. Singing my song.. paint: I believe the kind of dumpsters you mentioned would tell you a very different story. Not necesarily because it is true, but because they need to see the things differently. They, after all, love themselves and need to readjust reality to fit their image of themselves. Therefore, reading their side would not bring much clarity. However, there are a few who are honest to themselves. Kizik gave a good impression of what it could look like. What mine would say? I don't know, nor do I care.
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Someone mentioned that they would like to see posts from the Dumpers (the real ones; those who get bored, cheat, don't feel like trying to work things out, lie, and then blind-side the person they were pretending to love). It's too bad that they're not on here. I would love to read some of their posts. Here I am, on the other side of the fence. Let's see if I recall my last few "dumpings" (no bathroom humor please) I will be as frank and honest as possible. You may not like what you get to hear......... Last long term relationship was with a girl 7 years younger. I don't know if it was the age or the Paxil, but she seemed to turn out to be a whole different person than the meek, humble, nice girl I met. She was so obnoxious! her mouth never stopped, and she would babble nervously all the time. Very low self esteem. She just had to keep talking and talking, even if she had no idea what she was talking about... and even if she was totally wrong about something, she was right. She was always right about everything! You couldn't tell her otherwise. I finally couldn't stand it anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt about things, but she would always get defensive! I figured it was a lost cause. Resentment did start to set in... and when she started talking marriage and kids, well I knew I had to do something. I wasn't happy anymore. I tried to be honest with her about everything, but it's hard to say to someone "I don't love you anymore because you annoy the crap outta me!" I broke it off. She saw it coming. As I grew more distant, she of course clung on for dear life, which made my decision only that much easier to make because I felt suffocated. The one before that was much easier. Turned out she was married and had lied to me about it the whole time. "Don't let the door hit ya in the ass on your way out!" Before that was a nice girl that would have been any guy's dream girlfriend, except one small thing. She was practically a stalker! I had never had such a clingy girlfriend in all my life! Had to know every second and every move of my waking life. I simply told her that she was coming on too strong too fast and that I lost interest. Pretty straight-forward and honest, I think. The one before that was a girl that was painfully manipulative. Using guilt to get her way. When she wanted me to move in with her and her mom that was the last straw. The split was fairly mutual, because I wouldn't budge on this decision, and that's what she really wanted. There are others, but that's as much as I'd like to type right now I wasn't always the one getting dumped.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 What mine would say? I don't know, nor do I care.Now you are singing my song!
sumdude Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 She was so obnoxious! her mouth never stopped, and she would babble nervously all the time. Very low self esteem. She just had to keep talking and talking, even if she had no idea what she was talking about... and even if she was totally wrong about something, she was right. She was always right about everything! You couldn't tell her otherwise. I finally couldn't stand it anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt about things, but she would always get defensive! Holy cow! Did you date my ex wife at some point??!! She would make sh** up just to keep talking and seem like she had the best story.. tnx.. I needed a reminder today that it's a GOOD thing she's out of my life. Goes to show you. There may be a lot of fish in the sea but most of them are catch and release. Next time we'll all know a little better right?
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 ate_the_paint, everyone kicks into the survivor stage upon initial break-up. Isn't it time to start replacing the survivor stage, with the indifferent stage?
sumdude Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 ate_the_paint, everyone kicks into the survivor stage upon initial break-up. Isn't it time to start replacing the survivor stage, with the indifferent stage? Everyone has their own timetable... 4 months after a 7 year relationship isn't that long. It's dang hard to make yourself indifferent... you just become that way with time.. and some work. You do have to point your ship at that star though.
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Everyone has their own timetable... 4 months after a 7 year relationship isn't that long. It's dang hard to make yourself indifferent... you just become that way with time.. and some work. You do have to point your ship at that star though. Hence why I used the word "start".
motive2002 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Hence why I used the word "start". Hey TBF! Sorry to hijack, but I love your sig. "Tonight's forecast: Dark. Continually mostly dark tonight. Turning into widely scattered light in the morning!" Al Sleet, the hippy-dippy weatherman. Oh man that brings back memories.
kizik Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Especially since Carlin just died. I never thought he was that funny, but I respected him. The Seven Words You Can't Say on Radio...
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