porter218 Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 the OP here doesn't read like someone who is going for her doctorate.....maybe it's just coincidence. The other thread doesn't mention the OW having a child already, and a few other points (like the Jamaica trip etc). I think we have to take each thread at face value for now. I noticed she hadn't mentioned those things, but I did notice that she wasn't interested too much in talking about the OW and what she had done with her H. Or any background on the OW except what pertained to her H. Also there was no mention at all of how her H actually was meeting up with the OW, He lives on the other side of the country from her. A vacation together would have made perfect sense.
Love4Eternity Posted June 27, 2008 Posted June 27, 2008 personally, i think he took full advantage of your vulnerability! He knew exactly what to say and how to keep you in his life. Pure selfishness on his part. The only mistake you made and should be held accountable for, is believing in him (which resulted in pregnancy)...sorry you are in this situation I sure hope you can get through this and keep your head held high. Dont let him call the shots any more, just be strong and stand your ground k...
Author grumpygirrl Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 Hi Guys, Um actually I am working on my doctorate and no my post does not sound like it because you learn with higher education you have to know how to speak to the masses; I am a professor at a local university. I read the other post and I wish that I could comment, but at this time it would not be wise at all. I didn't want to be rude to all of you that has giving your advice to a stranger. This type of action demostrates to me that the world is still a great place and there are caring people out there. Maybe its not such a bad world to bring a child into. I wish I could tell you guys more, but I can't. This woman is insane and I can't allow her to ruin my professional career or my life as she is ruining her family, again not my problem His problem. If I fight fire with fire then that is being reduced to her level and that is something that I won't do. I will tell you guys this, "I am talking control of my life and although I can not control other people actions I can control my actions and how I allow them to treat me. I now know that I will be ok. I really wish I could say more. I did change my telephone number and I also told Him if she attempts to harrass me again I was going to file a harassement charge against her through the New York Police department and this will be effective in California. Porter 218 I guess this last statement says it all. Again, thank you all. Maybe we will meet again. I sure hope so!
porter218 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 I am glad you came back to reply. And I am glad you are feeling good about the world you are bringing this child into. As I am sure you have read the story I have been talking about then I am sure you have a clear picture of what I think about everything. You are just caught in the middle of a bad situation and a dysfunctional marriage. But at least one great thing will come out of it all, your baby. Enjoy your child, and steer clear of this drama. In time this marriage will end and things will be easier. Best of luck to you!
astra77 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I am so glad you are feeling better about things. You will have good days and bad days, but try to remember that it will improve, you will return to normal. Go easy on yourself huny and best of luck with your pregnancy.:):)
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I am so glad you are feeling better about things. You will have good days and bad days, but try to remember that it will improve, you will return to normal. Go easy on yourself huny and best of luck with your pregnancy.:):) I don't know if Mrs. Insane is going to see this but I have a question that is really bothering me. Is it wrong to tell this man that because he does not know when his life will change because the wife is trying so hard and his family is telling him that he needs to accept his wife for who she is, is it wrong for me to say, that I understand his situation and I do not hate him but this is not in the best interest for me
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Sorry I was not done I hit the wrong button. When you try to tell this man that you are hurting and what u feel the baby also feel and you tell him to get his life together then we can go from there. Is this wrong of me to walk away? When he tells me that he wants to help me get through school because he wants to help my out and I tell him he has done enough is this wrong? When he say that although he knows that his marriage will not surpass three year howeve, he can't give me a time frame because he does not like time frames and I say ok. I accept that but what you are proposing to me is not enough is this wrong of me to let go and stand my ground? Is it wrong to say that I need more to go on? He wants me to move across the country on words that are not even stable words. And he tells me that he has to get his life together and I tell him I respect that but for him to do this he needs to concentrate on his marriage and I am a distraction so let me go am I wrong? My instincts tell me that as long as I am in his life like this he will always have an excuse. I tell him that i am afraid of getting caught in a web that i will not be able to get out of. He claims he wants the best for me. of course what he is doing by not giving me a time frame is freeing himself of more guilt because if it does not go my way he is going to tell me, 'I never promise you this would happen in this time frame' Am i wrong? I am getting weak. I have made up my mind of no more contact under I get stronger. When I tell him that I forgive him because that is what people do when they love someone, but I can no longer go on like this am I being unreasonable? Is this the right thing to do?
porter218 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I don't know if Mrs. Insane is going to see this but I have a question that is really bothering me. Is it wrong to tell this man that because he does not know when his life will change because the wife is trying so hard and his family is telling him that he needs to accept his wife for who she is, is it wrong for me to say, that I understand his situation and I do not hate him but this is not in the best interest for me You are absolutely right. This is what I was saying. Let his problem settle on it's own. Just step back and act as a single mom. If he needs you there to have the balls to leave then it isn't right yet. I wouldn't really hate him for it either...I am sure when he married her he had no idea exactly how far she would take her manipulating tendencies. This is an unfortunate situation, but in the end it is no place for a woman trying to live her adult life and pregnant as well. But I am curious, why does he not have the balls to leave her? Has he really explained this to you?
bentnotbroken Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You are absolutely right. This is what I was saying. Let his problem settle on it's own. Just step back and act as a single mom. If he needs you there to have the balls to leave then it isn't right yet. I wouldn't really hate him for it either...I am sure when he married her he had no idea exactly how far she would take her manipulating tendencies. This is an unfortunate situation, but in the end it is no place for a woman trying to live her adult life and pregnant as well. But I am curious, why does he not have the balls to leave her? Has he really explained this to you? Probably because he had no balls to begin with.
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 You are absolutely right. This is what I was saying. Let his problem settle on it's own. Just step back and act as a single mom. If he needs you there to have the balls to leave then it isn't right yet. I wouldn't really hate him for it either...I am sure when he married her he had no idea exactly how far she would take her manipulating tendencies. This is an unfortunate situation, but in the end it is no place for a woman trying to live her adult life and pregnant as well. But I am curious, why does he not have the balls to leave her? Has he really explained this to you? He claims that his wife has taken no interest in his life for years. They lived seperate lives and it hurt him. And he assumed that she did not give a damn. But, now she wants to talk to him and he said they have nothing in common. He also tells me that she has threatened to kill herself and blah blah blah. He says that it is getting unbearable but he just can't up and leave. He got scared today when I keep telling him this was not in my best interest when he felt that he could not reach me he said ok give me three years, when I asked him was that what he really wanted to do he said no, he does not like time frames although by the time the baby is born who knows what will happen giving him time frames bothers him. And porter I tell him fine this is ok with me but I will not be around for this. He says that i am putting pressure on him! So, he says that we dont have to talk about his life; he just want to talk about my life. But, as long as he knows what is going on in my life then he has a heads up on me. Oh and his mother who never married tells him that he is making a mistake and to stay with his wife. Hey, again I tell him fine, but i have the right to say that this does not work for me. Oh and he said that the time frame of three years to him is like getting divorced tomorrow. Fine i said do what you like , but Porter he is getting angry with me when I am the one that should be angry. His family want to believe that I am some homewrecker and I refuse to play into that. I dont call him I dont harrass him I keep my distance. This is the right thing to do? You know I am southern baptist and my family is going to basically disown me. On the positive side I have a daughter who got accepted in one of the top colleges in the US, and I raised her alone. i have two years to complete my education and then the sky's the limit and I have a great career where I am making a difference in people lives everyday. These are the things that keep me going and I know that if I dont stop this with him these things will not matter.
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 grumpygirrl i am so sorry to here of your situation. I feel your pain. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING SILLY. There are alot of people here on this site- more experienced than me - to help you and give you advice and we have all been through simalar situations. Do you have any family or friends you can talk to? Or even better a counselor. The first step to healing is posting your story - I was scared to death to do it MYSELF, but now that I have I feel a little better. People here are very supportive and understanding, and TALKING / TYPING DOES HELP. I inadvertantly found myself in love and having an affair with my boss - who is married with kids - I am also married. I left him and my job a short time ago and it has ripped me to the core, but suicide IS NOT the answer. Think about this - your pain now is what your loved ones will feel 10 times over if you go through with it. How would your mum, dad, sister, brother, kids and friends feel if you left them? PLEASE DONT DO IT !!!!!!! Let me understand, did this man ask you to have his child and then go back to his wife???? I am not too sure what his motives are here, maybe he wanted an "easy" way to leave his wife so that he could be with you, but its safe to say that this has only complicated matters further now that she wont leave. It's a little ironic that he uses his kids with his wife as a reason to stay when YOU are expecting his next child - what about the needs of your child with him????:mad::mad: this makes me mad. See a counsellor, you have some BIG decisions to make and keep posting here and let us know whats going on - BIG hugs and kisses to you girl, DONT GIVE UP. Honey, I have read your post and my heart aches for you. You will get through this and with all that you are feeling taking the time to post to my thread makes me feel so much better, your story has helped me, I know it is not much, but thank you.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Grumpy, For those that believe that GOD has his plan and the DEVIL still demands his due here is wisdom... It kills me to see a person who's fought and striven to do the right thing like you get waylaid by some jealously miserable SOBs who're so fixated on dragging the world down that they can't think or empathize with (let alone consider) the dreams, merits, or potential of anyone else within arms reach while spiraling into the depths of their own hell. If the world won't grant these individuals the "silver platter" happiness they feel deprived and entitled to then they'll be damned if they allow someone they considers less deserving, like you, to know joy no matter how hard you've worked for it. Remember that the way you've led your life has inspired and captivated an entire spectrum of wanting souls which makes you a beacon drawing not only the lovingly earnest but, also the destructively disingenuous, for you show a selfless love. I don't have any real advice to give you but pray that you'll shed this parasite, parading as a man, and find the strength to return to the path you destined yourself to travel before you were diverted by the sweet sounding lying and smiling face determined to seek your destruction. Get your earphones out because GOD needs to talk to you girl... Good Luck and GOD Speed Grump
astra77 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Honey, I have read your post and my heart aches for you. You will get through this and with all that you are feeling taking the time to post to my thread makes me feel so much better, your story has helped me, I know it is not much, but thank you. Grumpy, your post has been a breath of fresh air to me and has got me thinking. Although my situation is very different to yours - as in i am not pregnant to my xmm, I think we are on the same page with our emotions. Its not wrong that you are "sympathetic" to his situation - it shows the depth of your character, you are a very understanding person. My xmm would ALWAYS tell me that I was a very understanding person - maybe he "loved" that about me. But at the same time, even as understanding as we are, we can only "give" so much of ourselves without getting anything back - does this make sense? It is also NOT wrong for you to still love him on some level, and it is NOT wrong that you can not be angry with him. God knows I have tried to be angry at my xmm to help get me through the day - i try to think how much he has hurt me and make myself angry at him, but it NEVER lasts long as i always think - maybe HE is in a bad situation himself, maybe he is torn by this too and NC from him is the only way he can deal with the pain. As strong a person as i normally am, I too have a breaking point and will not accept that the affair / relationship is pretty much one sided - HE gets to have his cake and eat too, BUT this doesnt work for ME - what am i getting from the affair / relationship ?? A quick shag and thats about it. Oh and a truck load of hurt as a side dish !! It also shows that we are beautiful people in the sense that we are sacrificing the LOVE we feel for someone by stepping back and saying - HEY I DONT WANT THIS TO CONTINUE. As much as it is painful for us to end it, and our love for our MM is so deep, we can not hurt ourselves anymore given the situation we find ourselves in. Like you grumpy, my xmm's w is VERY manipulative of him - so is his family and hers. I could have quite EASILY become the manipulator and WON him over, but i can not live with myself knowing that the only reason i "scored" the MM was by being a manipulative little cow. I wanted him to be with me in a full time relationship because that is also what HE wanted and with no persuasion from me. I WILL NOT lower myself to that level, no matter how much I am hurting. I know the a was wrong - will NEVER do that again !! - but falling in love with someone was NEVER on my radar. I thought that this guy felt the same way I did - guess I will never know the answer to this. I was prepared to leave my marriage for this guy i fell that hard. And i guess I hurt so bad coz know i know he was on the same page as me for a short time, he then jumped off that page, but "forgot" to tell me, and I guess he didnt really want me to think any different. Maybe he loved me, maybe he didnt. I will never get the answer and I think I have stopped searching for it.
astra77 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 he is getting angry with me when I am the one that should be angry. Just had another thought - not sure if i am right or not, but i find that looking at things from all angles is helping me to move on - Im trying to rationalise things. I wonder if the MM in our situations do feel love for the OW, but their lives have been manipulated for so long that they have trust issues with the OW - they do want OW (us) but have been hurt so horribly in the past by their W's that the thought of it happening again with us is too much to bear. So the s**t hits the fan. We (OW) cant give them our soul and have nothing in return, we are effectively questioning our place in their lives. Maybe the MM has decide - hey i dont love the W anymore, but there are too many things keeping me in the M - kids money status whatever. But I love this OW so I am not letting her go, i want to make a decsion for myself for once and this is it, I will stay married to you (W) so I dont have to go through the mess of a divorce, but i want this ow in my life. It sounds selfish and callous, and really it is, but maybe the decsion was made by the MM with out any real harm intended to the OW. Maybe he truely believed that it was possible to have a wife and a girlfriend. Of course this cant happen, but maybe in the MM's mind he thinks it can work. Him being angry with us is because we have ruined his "ideal" that it can work. That said, we are in the right place now GG, just trying to rationalise the mess i am in. Just pondering out aloud.
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Grumpy, For those that believe that GOD has his plan and the DEVIL still demands his due here is wisdom... It kills me to see a person who's fought and striven to do the right thing like you get waylaid by some jealously miserable SOBs who're so fixated on dragging the world down that they can't think or empathize with (let alone consider) the dreams, merits, or potential of anyone else within arms reach while spiraling into the depths of their own hell. If the world won't grant these individuals the "silver platter" happiness they feel deprived and entitled to then they'll be damned if they allow someone they considers less deserving, like you, to know joy no matter how hard you've worked for it. Remember that the way you've led your life has inspired and captivated an entire spectrum of wanting souls which makes you a beacon drawing not only the lovingly earnest but, also the destructively disingenuous, for you show a selfless love. I don't have any real advice to give you but pray that you'll shed this parasite, parading as a man, and find the strength to return to the path you destined yourself to travel before you were diverted by the sweet sounding lying and smiling face determined to seek your destruction. Get your earphones out because GOD needs to talk to you girl... Good Luck and GOD Speed Grump thank you. Your words have given me the strength that I need. No more contact. You are correct. If he cant be happy then no one can. I knew this, but just wouldnt face it. again thank you.
porter218 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 So grumpy, on another note .... How far along are you? How have you been feeling?
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 So grumpy, on another note .... How far along are you? How have you been feeling? I'm three months today! I have been worried because I had some spotting. Believe it or not when the W called my house I was so upset that the next day i went to emergency and they said that It looked as if I was in the first stages of a miscarriage. Believe it or not that is when I realized I wanted my baby. They told me there was nothing they could do, its been a waiting game. But, my tummy is expanding and no more spotting. I will go to the doctor in a couple of weeks! I just want my baby to be healthy. Of course my baptist family believes this is my punishment for being a sinner. How are you?
pelicanpreacher Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I'm three months today! I have been worried because I had some spotting. Believe it or not when the W called my house I was so upset that the next day i went to emergency and they said that It looked as if I was in the first stages of a miscarriage. Believe it or not that is when I realized I wanted my baby. They told me there was nothing they could do, its been a waiting game. But, my tummy is expanding and no more spotting. I will go to the doctor in a couple of weeks! I just want my baby to be healthy. Of course my baptist family believes this is my punishment for being a sinner. How are you? Hey Grump, You're experiencing the journey of a miracle. Please put all negativity and naysayers out of your life or on hold for the moment. Let the experience of your pregnancy consume you with joy. We of the cyberangel brigade salute and watch over you. You're gonna be alright kid!
porter218 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I'm three months today! I have been worried because I had some spotting. Believe it or not when the W called my house I was so upset that the next day i went to emergency and they said that It looked as if I was in the first stages of a miscarriage. Believe it or not that is when I realized I wanted my baby. They told me there was nothing they could do, its been a waiting game. But, my tummy is expanding and no more spotting. I will go to the doctor in a couple of weeks! I just want my baby to be healthy. Of course my baptist family believes this is my punishment for being a sinner. How are you? Don't listen to your family, they will come around in time. Sorry to hear about the close call, but I wouldn't worry too much. It isn't too abnormal to spot early in the pregnancy. I am actually 16 weeks myself, and I have had spotting also, but the ultrasound said the baby was fine and my doctor isn't worried. Don't let her get you riled up like that. You should change your # until after the baby is born, tell MM you are doing this and why. I guess at 3 months you are almost out of the hard part.
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 Hey Grump, You're experiencing the journey of a miracle. Please put all negativity and naysayers out of your life or on hold for the moment. Let the experience of your pregnancy consume you with joy. We of the cyberangel brigade salute and watch over you. You're gonna be alright kid! Oh thank you! I'm gonna put the naysaysers out of my life for good. There is only so much in life you can take from those who "love you" You know they only love you if you do what they say. After I read your last response you helped me a great deal. I have had no contact for two days and there is a peace that I now have, which surprises me. I really have made up my mind that im Not going to put up with this crap and I have made a stand and what comes of it, I accept. I have let it go! Those were some strong words you wrote and true. Again thanks!
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 Don't listen to your family, they will come around in time. Sorry to hear about the close call, but I wouldn't worry too much. It isn't too abnormal to spot early in the pregnancy. I am actually 16 weeks myself, and I have had spotting also, but the ultrasound said the baby was fine and my doctor isn't worried. Don't let her get you riled up like that. You should change your # until after the baby is born, tell MM you are doing this and why. I guess at 3 months you are almost out of the hard part. Congrats! Are you expecting a boy or girl? We have nothing but girls in our family and if my mother can get a grandson, the sun will not shine until he is born. I did a lot of reading about spotting and it is normal, my mother said she spotted with all three of her girls, but it is scary. I go to the doctor in a couple of weeks and until then I am still holding my breath. I changed my number a few weeks ago, of course she denied that she called me the third time, but I'm not taking the bait, from either of them. I don't know what has come over me, but I feel strong and I will not give in to their madness. I have taken a stand and as I have told PelicanPeacher, what comes of it, I accept it whole heartedly!
porter218 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Congrats! Are you expecting a boy or girl? We have nothing but girls in our family and if my mother can get a grandson, the sun will not shine until he is born. I did a lot of reading about spotting and it is normal, my mother said she spotted with all three of her girls, but it is scary. I go to the doctor in a couple of weeks and until then I am still holding my breath. I changed my number a few weeks ago, of course she denied that she called me the third time, but I'm not taking the bait, from either of them. I don't know what has come over me, but I feel strong and I will not give in to their madness. I have taken a stand and as I have told PelicanPeacher, what comes of it, I accept it whole heartedly! I will tell you what has come over you...it is the love for your child. This supersedes anything else. I will find out what I am having on the 18th of this month. My son has been telling me it is a girl. He has been telling me he has a sister since the day I conceived. Don't know though because my husband has all boys(one together and 2 older ones).
Author grumpygirrl Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 I will tell you what has come over you...it is the love for your child. This supersedes anything else. I will find out what I am having on the 18th of this month. My son has been telling me it is a girl. He has been telling me he has a sister since the day I conceived. Don't know though because my husband has all boys(one together and 2 older ones). Trust your son instincts! Hopefully you will get your girl and I will get my son. Yes, I believe you are correct, this baby has given me purpose and I am going to take it head on! My daughter who is 16 says that she is having a brother. I was teasing her today and telling her that her brother or sister is going to call her an old goat because of the age difference, she cracked a smile for the first time. She has been upset because she feels that she is all I ever needed. Thats' a whole other thread! It is the Fourth of July in the states and I am off to a Good old American Bar B Que. (Although I am a vegetarian!). Wish you were here!
NoIDidn't Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 GG Hi there. Congrats on the pregnancy. It should be a grand time, once you decide on parenthood. Your family may or may not come around, but don't let that deter you from giving this child the best life you can. The situation with this man is really bad. I read the W's thread and I feel really sorry for her. Apparently, he used her to get over you only to find out that he wasn't over you and blamed her for not being you. Of course, he feels that she doesn't pay attention to him. He wasn't looking at her. He wasn't looking to fill in a plug for himself to feel better. Now, he's gotten you back into his life and he's screwing things up for you and his family (W and kids). If he does D, I wouldn't want him. The drama will never end if he leaves her and their kids for you and the child you two will share. I said all that to say this: minimize your exposure to him. He is toxic. Not just to you, but also to his W. He has spent years demeaning her and making her feel bad about herself and telling her that she only wants him for his money and status that she has started to act like it. He is controlling and manipulative. He will do to you what he has already done to her, and you don't deserve that. Neither does this baby. (An aside, I can't believe he said he was disappointed in his kids with her. They are HIS. Just imagine how he lives his life. Whenever something doesn't work out the way he wants it, HE'S disappointed in it. He needs to take a good look in the mirror, this one does!!!!)
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