The Dumped and the Dumpers

[kizik]

Most of us on here got Dumped. The rest of us were the Dumpers, but only b/c the ex did something unforgivable (cheating, lying, etc.) that hurt us so badly that we got out of the R.

 

As of yet, I haven't met anyone on this site who fell out of love with their ex, became distant, and abruptly left a multiple-year R. What I'm describing is the classic Dumper.

 

We're on this site b/c we're trying to figure out how to deal with the pain. It took us by surprise and we were not emotionally prepared for it. THEY are off somewhere, happier without us, living their lives in a productive, optimistic manner.

 

Are they with someone else? Maybe. Does it mean they're "soul-less," "co-dependent" and are "filling the void in themselves with others"?

 

Maybe. I don't know. What I DO know is that to help ourselves, we should be looking to the DUMPER as a role model for how to act, post-breakup. I can almost guarantee you my ex is fine. She's finally free, without the pressure of having to worry about me.

 

We talk so much on this site about how "they did us wrong." I've said it myself, many a time. Well, no they didn't. They did what they felt they had to do. If we stay too much in our self-pitying perspective, we don't learn anything. So, understand that your ex is a free individual whose choice to exclude you from their life, is a choice like any other that should be respected.

 

There's no right and wrong here, no winners or losers. Just a bunch of people who are doing what's best for themselves. As the Dumped, we need to adopt the mindset that the break-up was best for us, too.

[sumdude]

What I DO know is that to help ourselves, we should be looking to the DUMPER as a role model for how to act, post-breakup.

 

hmm.. must disagree on this one from my perspective. Lying like crazy and nastily blaming the other for every possible thing wrong isn't my style.. Besides most of us don't know for real just how the other is behaving most of the time. We only get to see their game faces.

 

We talk so much on this site about how "they did us wrong." I've said it myself, many a time. Well, no they didn't. They did what they felt they had to do.

 

Depends on the relationship and how things went down. Sorry but being disrespected, lied to and generally treated like crap is wrong in my book. They did what the felt they wanted to do... no one HAS to do anything... other than basic bodily functions that is...

 

However.. the self pitying must stop regardless and at some point even if they did do us wrong they must be forgiven within ourselves as imperfect people with big flaws. As we all are... some are more flawed than others though..

[Nevermind]

It's hard to see who is the dumper in my case, but technically I am. Though for the sake of the argument, let's say he was (since he excited through cheating).

 

we should be looking to the DUMPER as a role model for how to act, post-breakup

 

Mh. Okay...how I can find someone to string along, ridicule, give hope, crush, ridicule again and then blame for said behaviour? Or maybe I should just be a decent person..yeah, let's try that.

My ex is not a role-model. I get what you are saying, but to this I don't agree. Every case is different, though.

 

We talk so much on this site about how "they did us wrong." I've said it myself, many a time. Well, no they didn't. They did what they felt they had to do.

 

Well, no. I actually think that he did me wrong. Very much so. In a cruel manner. Completely uncalled for. If he felt he had to do that (and I guess he did) then this just proves he is a walking waste of semen, but it doesn't make his behaviour right.

 

we need to adopt the mindset that the break-up was best for us, too.

 

Sure is.

[sunshinegirl]

Ditto what NM said.

[FloraPost]

Sorry, just noticed this glorious Freudian slip: he excited through cheating

 

HA! So did mine!

 

And no, his cheating on me and handing me an STD was NOT best for me. Me kicking him out, yeah, that was. It is pretty complex sometimes. But someone had to start the shoving match and for us, it was him.

[stlnsmile]

This is so true. I can see it now. I think most people just can not see it before they are ready. It took us whatever time it took us to see the light so to speak. Now, I'm honestly too busy to care. Ive had a few days now and again, and I am sure that will be the way it is for all of us from time to time, but more often than not, my days are filled with...well...MEEEEEE! And its honestly a great place to be. Its just taking a long time to get used to being single, more than its honestly been about him..although..sometimes it truly is. I guess what I am saying, is that I do forgive my ex for choosing a life with out me, and in some ways even understand the choice, I really was clinggy then, and ya know, Im not any more, and I think I just had to learn that. So I agree with everything, sometimes, its just better to be apart. They made that choice, and you have to respect it.

[sailing]

Wow, the force is strong in this one..

 

There is so much truth in your post and it's very good, constructive advice even though it may be hard to swallow.

 

While some dumpers do seem unnecessarily cruel, they are - as you say - only doing what they think will be best for themselves.

 

After being dumped, my problem was that I immediately started to beat myself up for not being good enough, which is equally bad. Other people seem to go to far in making themselves believe that no-one will ever match up to their ex. In these cases, I think a dose of anger can make you see more clearly who should be prioritised.

 

But it is only once you re-focus on yourself that you can start dealing with your own stuff, whether that's insecurity, relying too heavily on a relationship for your own happiness, picking the wrong partner etc. To take that next step, it certainly helps -to - at some point - try to stop viewing your ex as the bogeyman/woman. It changes your perspective and will help you accept.

[fran82]

no, i get what kizi is trying to say, taking that positives that their post break up behaviour, and i agree! i was a dumper, but was lead to it with good reason, i dont hate my ex, and dont like he's views. but he has had a classic dumper mentality throughout the whole thing.

 

he holds his head high, he decides calmly if he wants to take this direction of that, even if its a brave face, his coping so much more, with a level head! (at least i think anyway)

 

i dont know how they get this mentality, maybe thats they coping method, maybe they run into someone else arms to feel the void and appear happy on the outside, maybe they are happy! one thing i've always believed in is that you must look after no.1, everything else will follow, maybe that what they're doing!

 

i think you've made a very good point, although one im not quite ready to try out just yet, but i think there's sense in it!

[motive2002]

Maybe I'll do some blow and start sleeping around... yenno, a model after my ex.

Sure beats being depressed!

[LikeCharlotte]

Most of us on here got Dumped. The rest of us were the Dumpers, but only b/c the ex did something unforgivable (cheating, lying, etc.) that hurt us so badly that we got out of the R.

I didn't do anything so horrible. Sorry.

 

As of yet, I haven't met anyone on this site who fell out of love with their ex, became distant, and abruptly left a multiple-year R. What I'm describing is the classic Dumper.

Want his phone number?

 

We're on this site b/c we're trying to figure out how to deal with the pain. It took us by surprise and we were not emotionally prepared for it. THEY are off somewhere, happier without us, living their lives in a productive, optimistic manner.

I stopped wanting him when he decided I wasn't worth working for. Too much energy to keep me and what we had I guess. His loss.

 

Are they with someone else? Maybe. Does it mean they're "soul-less," "co-dependent" and are "filling the void in themselves with others"?

I could'nt care less.

 

Maybe. I don't know. What I DO know is that to help ourselves, we should be looking to the DUMPER as a role model for how to act, post-breakup. I can almost guarantee you my ex is fine. She's finally free, without the pressure of having to worry about me.

If his behavior is an example I would like to know how many lemmings are lined up behind him.

 

We talk so much on this site about how "they did us wrong." I've said it myself, many a time. Well, no they didn't. They did what they felt they had to do. If we stay too much in our self-pitying perspective, we don't learn anything. So, understand that your ex is a free individual whose choice to exclude you from their life, is a choice like any other that should be respected.

Sure thing. And he can have it. I'm not self-pitying at all. Again, his loss, really.

 

There's no right and wrong here, no winners or losers. Just a bunch of people who are doing what's best for themselves. As the Dumped, we need to adopt the mindset that the break-up was best for us, too.

Uh, no he really did lose. I'm awesome.

 

 

Kiz- I like your post but its not universal.

[kizik]

Thanks to everyone for your opinions. My posts are hit or miss, and this one was a miss, I think. My point was basically that people do what's best for them, and though it hurts us, we have to respect it somehow.

 

To those who object to the term "role model," you're right. I should have said that we should use the quickness with which they move on as an example to ourselves for how to say, "You know what? F*ck em."

[sid3]

I should have said that we should use the quickness with which they move on as an example to ourselves for how to say, "You know what? F*ck em."

 

They don't all always move on as quickly as we perceive them to. I've seen many dumpers stay emotionally screwed up long after the dumpee has moved on and became happy.Ultimately, it's the person who deals with the rejection/hurt that gains the most out of it in the end. Usually the dumpeer just continues to leave a path of emotional distruction amongst those they encounter. But your right kizik, F*ck em.....life is too short.

[critter909]

The dumper has much more guilt. Maybe not right away but I think eventually it hits them. That's why we beg and cry right away but they come back weeks or months later. The misery they created comes back to bite them in the ass

[v33]

The dumper has much more guilt. Maybe not right away but I think eventually it hits them. That's why we beg and cry right away but they come back weeks or months later. The misery they created comes back to bite them in the ass

 

We might all like to think so as dumpees, but I wonder how true this is.

[sunshinegirl]

We might all like to think so as dumpees, but I wonder how true this is.

 

I was thinking the same thing...

[kizik]

Doesn't matter, they're no way of knowing. You can ask the Dumper if they feel guilt, they say no, maybe they're lying.

 

V, it's a f*cking battlefield like that Ebook said. All you can do is not worry about how they're doing, whether better or worse than you.

[sid3]

The dumper has much more guilt. Maybe not right away but I think eventually it hits them. That's why we beg and cry right away but they come back weeks or months later. The misery they created comes back to bite them in the ass

 

That is so true! Maybe not in everyones' situation, but more often than not. Guilt stings far more than rejection. I'd say at least there are steps to healing and support from others dealing with being hurt. Guilt is solitary. People always assume their exes are so happy, not always true!

[kizik]

People like my ex, who think everything they do is right, DO NOT feel guilt.

[v33]

Doesn't matter, they're no way of knowing. You can ask the Dumper if they feel guilt, they say no, maybe they're lying.

 

V, it's a f*cking battlefield like that Ebook said. All you can do is not worry about how they're doing, whether better or worse than you.

 

Yup and in war there are no winners. Best thing to do is to not even join the fray. Sucks to be us, but you have to choose your battles. You can't win this one, can't make someone love you, and if they came back... well hell.... could you even trust them again?

 

We must demand more for ourselves! I don't care how common it is for people to split up, or what the divorce rate is. That does not make it acceptable for me! I want someone who wants me unconditionally because I will give myself totally and honestly to them. If they don't see value in me I want someone who WILL!

[sedgwick]

If I looked to him as a role model, I'd have to stop showering. I like showers. I think I'll pass.

[sid3]

I am certain those around you really appreciate that sedge.

[sunshinegirl]

Yup and in war there are no winners. Best thing to do is to not even join the fray. Sucks to be us, but you have to choose your battles. You can't win this one, can't make someone love you, and if they came back... well hell.... could you even trust them again?

 

Getting back together wouldn't be the point, for me. I wouldn't get back together with him - too much damage done, plus an increasing awareness that I couldn't have been happy with him long term.

 

But I would love to have the satisfaction of hearing that he feels badly about how he handled the end. A heartfelt apology would allow me to forgive him, really forgive him. And with that, I think my world would be righted again.

[kizik]

I got that "satisfaction" from an ex ex... five years after breaking up. It was nice, but I didn't care. Had no emotions involved anymore.

 

It always comes when you no longer give a sh*t...

[sultry33]

you can forgive but forgetting is a different game.. i have forgiven my ex, infact i agreed that it was right for him to leave..

 

he didnt cheat.. did lie though .. but you know he thought of no1.. himself

and i agree with op.. you got to protect an look after yourself..

hurts that our future wont be together but timings wrong and im sorry im not waiting:eek:

 

i cant wait to meet the guy that wants me warts an all.. not that i have any but you know what i mean...

 

my ex is hurting and yeah on outside seems like he is coping well.. happy. but i know him;) i hope he does feel happy , but i know he will miss me.

[orangehose]

Kizik, you make a good point - there are relatively few dumpers on the coping board, other than those who were basically forced into it by their exes doing something really bad. We have to assume that many dumpers DO feel a sense of relief, maybe some memories intrude but they brush them off by telling themselves they made the right decision.

 

And yes, not wanting the ex is the key to healing, but somehow, as much as I intellectually know I dodged a bullet with my ex, just telling myself that and reviewing the evidence doesn't completely cure the heartache.