Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If your wife is a SAHM, have you considered forcing her back to work by removing her access to your income? I'm thinking in longer range. It might help with support issues for the potential future, if she's working. She also might leave on her own, when things aren't so comfy...
Author Planofool Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 Thats not the case. She works for two surgeons and works at nights in a hospital. She works an average of 50 hrs per week. The hospital has been a source of concern because there is a doctor that likes to play with her hair and give her back rubs in the wee hours of the morning. He also talks about sex and shows them porno on the internet. When we discussed this I ask her if she would be comfortable with me standing there watching these acts or listening to their conversations and she said no. I said it was not right and it needed to stop. She said I just didn't understand the situation, it is the middle of the night and everyone is tired from delivering babies and the stress level is high blah blah blah. So I told her if she didn't tell him to stop I would call the hospital and complain. I know she did not talk to him about it but she doesn't mention him anymore. Go figure.
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 So, is there a substantial disparity in your incomes? Once again, this is for the purposes of potential support payments.
Author Planofool Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 If I understand your question correctly she makes about 30 thou less than me but makes a good income. We also own properties and rental units together. Things would be very sticky to settle up. We have spent 27 yrs together and have acquired alot of stuff together.
Trialbyfire Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Do yourself a favour and start to unwind some of the intricacies. The more liquid you become, the easier it is to remove yourself. She's not going to change. You know it. She's been leading a double life for decades now. Also, she has to understand when you mean business. I would take back full control of everything financial. Of course, this will drive her nuts if she's a control freak.
carhill Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 If you don't agree on property settlement, there are legal formulas which will take care of that for you. Dissolving a 27 year business (yes, all those wonderful assets and rental properties and the like are essentially a business partnership) isn't simple or cheap. It's why some people choose to retain the legal marriage and physically live separate lives with others and manage those assets as non-romantic business partners. That's not easy or cheap either. Get professional advice. My instinct, considering the topic of this thread, is that none of this is going to be easy or cheap. If you start today, five years would be a reasonable target. Perhaps that's good, since the real estate market in much of the country is soft right now, but should recover in a few years. One thing to remember (it sounds like your W might have selective memory on this as well) is you can always buy more stuff and, in any event, you can't take it with you.
Author Planofool Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 I had a long talk with my wife this weekend regarding our situation. She claims to be more secure with our relationship now than ever. She also said it came at my expense and she is sorry for that. She claims she no longer needs to hold on to the past ie: her x husband and her x boyfriends. She said they were like a spare tire...there if you had a flat and needed them. She says she never wanted them but needed them for security. I also talked to her about counseling and she is not interested. A co-worker told me the other day that in listening to me talk about my marriage I needed to go by myself to counseling. Which is something all you guys have been telling me. Her co-workers have been trying to help her with her hording problems and they have told her that all of her issues stem from things in her childhood. For example...She wasn't allowed to go out and eat as a kid so eating out is a big thing with her. She claims she only had one pair of shoes as a kid so that is why she has 30 to 40 pairs of tennis shoes now. She does not wear them because she doesn't think she is worthy. The same with new clothes. So she has lots of reasons to go to therapy but won't. In cleaning up our bedroom I found enough new picture frames to fill 4 storage tubs. This year is our 25th wedding aniversary so I thought I would take all the silver frames and put all the pictures of her x husband and boyfriends in them for her. What do you think?
bish Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I had a long talk with my wife this weekend regarding our situation. She claims to be more secure with our relationship now than ever. ?? She isn't the one the needs to be secure with the R. She is the cheater and liar here. YOU are the one that needs to be secure with it. So question is, how can YOU be secure with it since she is a cheater and STILL continues to lie to you? Her co-workers have been trying to help her with her hording problems and they have told her that all of her issues stem from things in her childhood. For example...She wasn't allowed to go out and eat as a kid so eating out is a big thing with her. She claims she only had one pair of shoes as a kid so that is why she has 30 to 40 pairs of tennis shoes now. She does not wear them because she doesn't think she is worthy. The same with new clothes. So she has lots of reasons to go to therapy but won't. So she had a bad childhood. How does that excuse her cheating and lying? In cleaning up our bedroom I found enough new picture frames to fill 4 storage tubs. This year is our 25th wedding aniversary so I thought I would take all the silver frames and put all the pictures of her x husband and boyfriends in them for her. What do you think? Oh my, that is an evil idea:eek: On a serious note, why do you put up with her? Have you ever thought about divorce and setting yourself free??
Trialbyfire Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Your wife is chock full of issues and you're paying the price for them. Why are you staying with her?
Author Planofool Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 It seems everyone is voting for divorce as the answer. I must be the fool because I don't see that. Or maybe I am scared to face the truth.
Kasan Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 It seems everyone is voting for divorce as the answer. I must be the fool because I don't see that. Or maybe I am scared to face the truth. I don't know if divorce is the answer for you, but I am responding to your wanting to frame the photos of your wife's exes as a 25th wedding anniversary gift. A couple of things stand out for me ~ 1. What do you want? 2. How are you going to achieve what you want? 3. Where do you see your life 5 years from now? 4. When is enough, enough for you? I totally get that 27 years together is a very long time and that the fear of the unknown is scary....after all, she was supposed to be your life partner. However, what is the current situation doing for you? How much can you/are you willing do to put things back together? How much work is she willing to do? I think you should break things down to the bare simplicities. Have a plan for tomorrow, then next week, then next month............ I think you know what you need to do, but summoning the energy could be just overwhelming. You will get through whatever you need to do to get the resolution that you need. I am very sure of this. Edited to add.............I might contact an attorney to see how your assets would be divided, although it's probably a good bet given the length of your marriage that they would be divided in half. The more information that you have, the easier it becomes to make a decision.
Owl Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 From my perspective, divorce is one of several options: 1. Work with your wife to improve the marriage. 2. Don't change the marriage, and accept the status quo. 3. End the marriage. That's where I see it at. You can either opt to improve things you're not happy with, you can accept them the way that they are, or you move on. You don't seem to be willing to do #1, so it narrows your options down to 2 or 3. Where do YOU see this going from here?
Author Planofool Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I have spent my whole marriage improving myself. She will confirm this....I have done all she has asked. I would like to see her work harder at our marriage. Obviously she would like to put all this behind her. When we talked the other day she went back on the defensive mode reminding me of things she thinks I did wrong. I am still hung up on the fact that she portrayed herself as someone she wasn't. I will never get over what she has done and I am willing to move forward but I don't see a big change in her.
Owl Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 If you can't get over what she's done, and you don't see a change in her...where do you see things going from here? That still leaves you at options 2 or 3 in my list.
Author Planofool Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Got some more talk time in this weekend. She swears she can't remember having sex with one of her old boyfriends. I said you wrote about it not me. This is only important because she has lied about it for 27 yrs. I am working toward option 1 on Owl's list of three. I am very open in the things I say to her where I used to avoid conflict, I now tackle it head on with her. It's her answers to the tough questions that get me......"I don't remember". I guess if we are going to move forward I will have to let those things go and work on the present.
Lookingforward Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Got some more talk time in this weekend. She swears she can't remember having sex with one of her old boyfriends. I said you wrote about it not me. This is only important because she has lied about it for 27 yrs. I am working toward option 1 on Owl's list of three. I am very open in the things I say to her where I used to avoid conflict, I now tackle it head on with her. It's her answers to the tough questions that get me......"I don't remember". I guess if we are going to move forward I will have to let those things go and work on the present. and the things she "doesn't remember" (or would rather not) remain the elephant in the living room for the rest of your M. You've lived this way for 27 years, is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life plano? You signed on to be her husband NOT her damned therapist........
bish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 It seems everyone is voting for divorce as the answer. I must be the fool because I don't see that. Or maybe I am scared to face the truth. Trust me my man, I didn't want to see that either. Last thing I wanted was a divorce when I found out, but I wanted to stay in the marriage for the wrong reasons. During the initial shock I was willing to stay with her even though I knew deep down I'd never trust her again and would see nothing but "cheater" written across her forehead. When the shock was over, I started thinking more clearly and filed for divorce. It was the best decision I ever made. My kids? Their lives were turned upside down. But SHE did that to them by spreading her legs for other guys.
bish Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I have spent my whole marriage improving myself. She will confirm this....I have done all she has asked. So basically you busted your ass to stave off a cheating wife, and what has she done? Nothing, other than continue to lie to you. I would like to see her work harder at our marriage. Obviously she would like to put all this behind her. By continuing to lie? When we talked the other day she went back on the defensive mode reminding me of things she thinks I did wrong. Shows right there she will never change. She is a cheater and a liar and will continue to be both because she is blaming you. And if you don't do everything perfect from here on out and refuse to walk on eggshells, then guess what? The legs will open again, and not to you. I am still hung up on the fact that she portrayed herself as someone she wasn't. I will never get over what she has done and I am willing to move forward but I don't see a big change in her. Ok, you will "never get over what she has done" BUT you are "willing to move forward" with her. That is the very definition of a cuckold? is that what you want to be? The very fact that you admit that you will NEVER get over what she did to you tells me that you really need to divorce her. That and the fact that she continues to lie to you, blames you for her cheating and tries to justify it. Dude, get rid of this trash.
Author Planofool Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 I hear you guys. I just want to clear up that I have no proof of any kind that she has been unfaithful sexualy during our 27 yrs together. Yes she has had contacts through letters and phone calls but nothing I have found shows any physical contact. I know that if I found out otherwise I would be filing immediately. I could not take that after everything else.
Lookingforward Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I hear you guys. I just want to clear up that I have no proof of any kind that she has been unfaithful sexualy during our 27 yrs together. Yes she has had contacts through letters and phone calls but nothing I have found shows any physical contact. I know that if I found out otherwise I would be filing immediately. I could not take that after everything else. Plano, regardless of whether or not she cheated, your W has MAJOR issues you are not equipped to handle........
savethedrama Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Women do not forget with whom they sleep....In fact we remember every small detail. What was said, what we were wearing, how he smells and tastes and well, need I say more? We do not forget. We are women. We pay attention to details. So, unless she has suffered from a severe head trauma, then she remembers. I won't comment on all the other stuff that is going on because I didn't read it all in detail. I am only commenting on her not remembering if she slept with the guy. She remembers. Also, being married to someone like her you have obviously not been a stranger to pain. So if you must go thru a lot of pain REGARDLESS - why don't you end it now and maybe you will be in Pain for - what - a year after the divorce? But you will heal and be able to have SOME happiness in your life. If you stay, you may live out the rest of your life in pain and misery. Some women are so insecure that they crave CONSTANT attention from the opposite sex. It's not about YOU. Women like this are dangerous and very prone to cheat. It is just who they are. That's my 2 cents
Author Planofool Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 If you only have 3-4 partners you would think you would remember them all. I was told her only other partner was her 1st husband. When I read her writings that she had slept with the guy she was dating when I met her it was like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. I'm sure some of you don't understand that, but you have to know what she had told me about the man. This is the man that she claimed she used to get back at her cheating husband. She claimed they never had sex or dated. She claimed she used him to get back at her husband. Twenty seven years later I read that they got caught in bed together by her husband. Now granted the husband had been cheating on her for years and evidently she strayed to his best friend who had been telling on him. Sounds like a soap opera doesn't it. Then throw in the fact that she stayed in touch with her 2nd cousin (whom she dated) for the last 27 yrs. He has been sending her love letters and calling our home phone off and on. "He's just my cousin, were talking about our family". Last year they talked non stop for 3 months on cell phones until I caught her. She did it for revenge for me dancing with a girl at a 50th B-day party. I know I should not have done that but please. After I saw a phone bill and busted them out all the rest of her history came out when I started going through her boxes of junk we have had stored. She saved everything and I guess that is what cost her because I read it all. Every last love letter. It's bad enought to do that to your spouse but to save them and get caught with them. Her phone calls to him last year were hours long every day. Every chance she could get free of me and the kids she was on the phone to him. She said "I didn't get anything out of it". Maybe I am in pain and don't realize it. But a year later things are starting to wear off. I don't spend all day thinking about it. I do remember it though.......I guess my memory is better than hers.
Author Planofool Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Women do not forget with whom they sleep....In fact we remember every small detail. What was said, what we were wearing, how he smells and tastes and well, need I say more? We do not forget. We are women. We pay attention to details. So, unless she has suffered from a severe head trauma, then she remembers. I won't comment on all the other stuff that is going on because I didn't read it all in detail. I am only commenting on her not remembering if she slept with the guy. She remembers. Just this weekend she was talking about how good her memory is. So how do I get her to admit that she remembers who she slept with and confess? I want to know. She wanted to know every detail and whom I slept with before we met. I want to know and I think after all of this I deserve to know. I want to know if she has lied about it. How do I get her to tell me?
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