Memory Loss

[Planofool]

I will try not to make this long but I need help with my wife's memory loss.

 

I have posted threads about my wife's EA last year and alot has surfaced about my wife's past. This is only important to me because she led me to believe her past consisted of her x husband then me. This all happened before my time and I would be ok with that except for the facts that have come out prove she has not been real truthful about certain men in her life.

First of all let me say that my wife has kept everything from her past since highschool. It stayed at her mom's house until she moved and we had to bring it all to our house.

Since the EA came to lite I have searched our house high and low and discovered through letters and writings that her past had more than just her x. The man that she got caught sleeping with by her x, (he was her x's best friend) was more than just a friend to her. I have been told all along that they never slept together that she just used him to make her x jealous because he was screwing around on her.

 

The truth comes out in letters that I found she wrote him and writings in her monthly logs that they were in love and had been sleeping together.

 

I asked if she slept with him and she said "I DON"T REMEMBER" The guy she had the EA with last year she also dated after her divorce. I asked if she slept with him and she said she was sure she hadn't.

 

Now I ask you.....if you say you have only slept with two men in your life ( your x and your present husband) then it comes to lite that isn't true per your own writings, how can your memory be that bad. How can you not remember who you have slept with when the number is that low? If it was 50 I could see a memory problem but 3 or 4 ??????

 

Maybe this should be a non issue but the deception over the years makes it relevant to me. I am not trying to relive the past but just this week it came up in conversation that she had brought this guy to the lake and camp we got to every weekend. Guess what she has no memory of that.

 

So help me out here how can she not remember things that involve an ex lover?

[Owl]

Either she's 'blocking' that memory...

 

Or she's lying about all of it.

 

Given her track record...I'll let you come to your own conclusions.

 

FWIW, my wife also "lives in the present"...and has a terrible memory for anything negative that she's done in her past as well.

[Planofool]

Owl, she can remember going to her x husband's Dad's funeral and the way he touched her, the things he said to her etc. etc. That was 20 yrs ago.

They seem to live in the present when they want to or it benefits them. Why not deal with the truth?

[Owl]

Because the truth paints her in a bad light...its not flattering, and so its not what she wants you to see/hear.

 

So she lies about it to cover her tracks.

 

She might also be intentionally not attempting to think back/remember about these things so that she can avoid conflict over them. She knows she lied to you about it, and doesn't want to face the truth of the situation.

 

So, you get the "can't remember" speech for things that very clearly she CAN remember...she's simply not caring enough about how you feel on the subject to TRY to remember, and TRY to tell you the truth.

[electric_sheep]

This is classic denial strategy. Simply don't admit to anything that makes you uncomfortable.

 

I dated a girl that applied this philosophy to a ridiculous level. She just completely rewrote history according to her own needs. She would deny events that we even experienced together! If flat out denial didn't work, then she would shift to an inability to "remember".

 

Part of the tactic is to get you to question yourself. Indeed, it has you questioning your sanity even at times. This takes the heat off of them.

[smartgirl]

I will try not to make this long but I need help with my wife's memory loss.

 

I have posted threads about my wife's EA last year and alot has surfaced about my wife's past. This is only important to me because she led me to believe her past consisted of her x husband then me. This all happened before my time and I would be ok with that except for the facts that have come out prove she has not been real truthful about certain men in her life.

First of all let me say that my wife has kept everything from her past since highschool. It stayed at her mom's house until she moved and we had to bring it all to our house.

Since the EA came to lite I have searched our house high and low and discovered through letters and writings that her past had more than just her x. The man that she got caught sleeping with by her x, (he was her x's best friend) was more than just a friend to her. I have been told all along that they never slept together that she just used him to make her x jealous because he was screwing around on her.

 

The truth comes out in letters that I found she wrote him and writings in her monthly logs that they were in love and had been sleeping together.

 

I asked if she slept with him and she said "I DON"T REMEMBER" The guy she had the EA with last year she also dated after her divorce. I asked if she slept with him and she said she was sure she hadn't.

 

Now I ask you.....if you say you have only slept with two men in your life ( your x and your present husband) then it comes to lite that isn't true per your own writings, how can your memory be that bad. How can you not remember who you have slept with when the number is that low? If it was 50 I could see a memory problem but 3 or 4 ??????

 

Maybe this should be a non issue but the deception over the years makes it relevant to me. I am not trying to relive the past but just this week it came up in conversation that she had brought this guy to the lake and camp we got to every weekend. Guess what she has no memory of that.

 

So help me out here how can she not remember things that involve an ex lover?

 

 

This is not a mystery. She remembers. She doesn't want to talk about it. We all do things in our past that we do not want to have to relive and unless it is causing some real harm to our current spouse, we shouldn't have to relive it.

 

I realize she had an EA and you are having difficulty with that betrayal. You now see her as a liar and it seems you are investigating her to see what has been lies and what has been the truth. I know from first hand experience that what you feel you want more than anything after an A is to feel comfortable your spouse is no longer lying to you about anything. But there is a difference between the lies she told you about the EA and attempting to cover up mistakes from her past. I'm not saying that in this case it is ok or not, I just believe there is a difference that should be acknowledged.

 

I understand your need to know when it relates to things that have to do with you and your marriage. But I don't really see where her opening up every ugly thing from before she met you is really fair.

 

If however, you see some of these things as a pattern of behavior then try to focus in on the potential causes of the patterns.

[Planofool]

She is so sincere when she says "I can't remember". I see this guy almost every weekend at camp. He would come over and talk to my wife and me and he was her friend. Now that the truth has come out about the past he is now scum of the earth to her. I said he used to be your friend but now you don't like him......what gives? She has no respect for him she says.... He was good enough to bed but now he is trash. Go figure

[Bryanp]

It is also clear that she has no respect for you. Her continued lies (forgetfullness) implies she thinks you are a fool. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would accept such comments from you? I don't see how you could ever believe anything your wife says now and in the future. You deserve better than this!

[LakesideDream]

It's a classic case of "do you believe me, or your lying eyes and ears". I learned how to deal with it during a 25 year marriage. If there was the possibility of the story being true, I let it be.

 

Of course in the end it all came out, when it didn't make a difference. This was btw the same woman that could remember every misdeed, perceived slight, or untruth I told, and recite them verbatim from months before the marriage to the day it ended.

 

In the end it didn't serve us well. Your wife's inability to face the truth will not serve you well either.

 

I suggest you get some serious counciling, both as a couple, and as I expect your counselor will suggest, individual therapy for your wife. Bare in mind that the counciling may not work, or even make a difference. You wife almost certainly is choosing her behavior. My ex did, and rejected 5 councilors one after another.

 

I hate to suggest this, but as you have conciderable time and effort already invested it might pay you to begin keeping a journal with dates, times, and events. If I had done it a pattern would have emerged very quickly that would have given me the information necessary to make changes in my life for the better, before I was played for the fool.

 

Good Luck.

[Planofool]

It is also clear that she has no respect for you. Her continued lies (forgetfullness) implies she thinks you are a fool. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would accept such comments from you? I don't see how you could ever believe anything your wife says now and in the future. You deserve better than this!

27 yrs later and she still has no respect for me...the fool part I get. Why do you think I use the name Planofool. The man she has stayed in contact with for 27 yrs lives in Plano.

If the roles were reversed we would be divorced right now. Trust is a thing of the past in our relationship.

[Owl]

If the roles were reversed we would be divorced right now. Trust is a thing of the past in our relationship.

 

What are you doing to change the power dynamic in your marriage so its more equal? What boundaries are YOU setting in the things you'll accept from her?

[Planofool]

For the last year my attitude towards her has been more towards the I don't care stance. Lately I have found myself back to cowing down to her raves and rants and letting her back in charge. I don't like being that way and need to be more independent.

 

 

This is not a mystery. She remembers. She doesn't want to talk about it. We all do things in our past that we do not want to have to relive and unless it is causing some real harm to our current spouse, we shouldn't have to relive it.

 

I realize she had an EA and you are having difficulty with that betrayal. You now see her as a liar and it seems you are investigating her to see what has been lies and what has been the truth. I know from first hand experience that what you feel you want more than anything after an A is to feel comfortable your spouse is no longer lying to you about anything. But there is a difference between the lies she told you about the EA and attempting to cover up mistakes from her past. I'm not saying that in this case it is ok or not, I just believe there is a difference that should be acknowledged.

 

I understand your need to know when it relates to things that have to do with you and your marriage. But I don't really see where her opening up every ugly thing from before she met you is really fair.

 

If however, you see some of these things as a pattern of behavior then try to focus in on the potential causes of the patterns.

 

The reason her past means so much to me is the way she portrayed it. To find out the guy who has called my house for the last 27 yrs is more than just her cousin is a big deal to me. To find out her cousin has been writing her love letters for the last 27 yrs is a big deal to me. So see her ugliness that she hid from me for 27 yrs isn't very fair either. I am having doubts about whom I married. To find out the guy she talks to at camp every weekend used to call my house and talk to my wife about getting back together is a big deal. Then to find out she used to be in love with him and slept with him is a real big deal to me. Deception deception deception.

[Lookingforward]

For the last year my attitude towards her has been more towards the I don't care stance. Lately I have found myself back to cowing down to her raves and rants and letting her back in charge. I don't like being that way and need to be more independent.

 

 

 

The reason her past means so much to me is the way she portrayed it. To find out the guy who has called my house for the last 27 yrs is more than just her cousin is a big deal to me. To find out her cousin has been writing her love letters for the last 27 yrs is a big deal to me. So see her ugliness that she hid from me for 27 yrs isn't very fair either. I am having doubts about whom I married. To find out the guy she talks to at camp every weekend used to call my house and talk to my wife about getting back together is a big deal. Then to find out she used to be in love with him and slept with him is a real big deal to me. Deception deception deception.

 

You obviously aren't prepared to forgive her so why not just tell her you want a divorce and have done with it ?

 

I'm sure you'll both be much happier..........

[LakesideDream]

For the last year my attitude towards her has been more towards the I don't care stance. Lately I have found myself back to cowing down to her raves and rants and letting her back in charge. I don't like being that way and need to be more independent.

 

 

 

The reason her past means so much to me is the way she portrayed it. To find out the guy who has called my house for the last 27 yrs is more than just her cousin is a big deal to me. To find out her cousin has been writing her love letters for the last 27 yrs is a big deal to me. So see her ugliness that she hid from me for 27 yrs isn't very fair either. I am having doubts about whom I married. To find out the guy she talks to at camp every weekend used to call my house and talk to my wife about getting back together is a big deal. Then to find out she used to be in love with him and slept with him is a real big deal to me. Deception deception deception.

 

 

PlaneFool, Our situations are similar. My ex had an affair with her HS boyfriend for at least 23 years of our 25 year marriage. She kept this hidden from me. He didn't call her at our home, she called him.

 

In the whole 25 years of marriage it never occured to me to look at a phone bill. Not once. The marriage ended in 2001 and cell phones were not nearly as popular as now and had no memories. I know now that my ex called HIM occasionally from our home, and that they communicated mostly while both were at work (different cities).

 

So what? Here's what. Had I known I would have taken action. Either the behavior would have stopped or I would have made arraingments to leave the marriage. That is the decision you need to make now. Either continue to be the fool, or make arraingments to leave the marriage.

[smoothrider]

I don't know what to say. OP all I can say is 27 yrs is enough. Don't waste another year. You know I wouldn't even care if I'm about to possibly lose half my **** who cares you're probably going to be dead in a decade or 3. Dump this inconsiderate b*tch, but make sure you give her one nice f*ck before you slap her with the divorce papers do her in the ass too.

 

Seriously I'm enjoying being harsh this is just terrible. I really feel sorry for you deep down I hate people that do this to one another how are you not wanting to choke the sh*t out of her. Now don't anyone get their panties in a bunch I'm not suggesting violence on your wife or any woman EVER though I sure would kick the **** out of that "cousin" I mean come on 27 years. Jesus. She's robbed you of your prime!!

 

After the divorce get yourself laid, go to a titty bar I dunno drain those balls anyway you can "safely" do everything in life you've wanted to. In life Nice guys get screwed over incredibly hard don't let it happen again.

 

You know what get your wife. Ger her. Let her read all these comments the day your about to file for divorce let her see what scum she is. I hope karma has stirred up something good for your wife , something that's been brewing for 27 yrs that it has to be good.. maybe cancer ok that was harsh real harsh we all have family members with cancer I went to far. Point is I hope she gets what's coming to her... herpes. Ok I'm done.

 

GET A DIVORCE NOW!

[Planofool]

Smoothrider, I appreciate you taking the time to weigh in.

 

 

 

 

So what? Here's what. Had I known I would have taken action. Either the behavior would have stopped or I would have made arraingments to leave the marriage. That is the decision you need to make now. Either continue to be the fool, or make arraingments to leave the marriage.

 

Right now I will continue to play the fool

[Kasan]

Right now I will continue to play the fool

 

I don't really think that you are playing the fool. Not at all.

 

You are simply biding your time, as you have 27 years invested in this. Why would you feel the need to rush to a hasty decision? After all, you have been waiting for some time already haven't you?

 

But the alarms have been raised and every time you look at her, you will question everything, about every moment and everything you did. You will wonder if it all was a lie.

 

There will come a time that you will make the hard choice to either leave or stay because if you don't you will go crazy.

 

Your anger will cause you to make this decision.

 

I am really sorry, as what you are going through must be unbearable.

[bish]

The truth comes out in letters that I found she wrote him and writings in her monthly logs that they were in love and had been sleeping together.

 

I asked if she slept with him and she said "I DON"T REMEMBER" The guy she had the EA with last year she also dated after her divorce. I asked if she slept with him and she said she was sure she hadn't.

 

Well, even though she is a cheater and cheated on her X, it was in the past.

 

Having said that, her answer of "I don't remember" is complete and utter bs. That coupled with the fact that she had an EA while married to you tells me she hasn't changed and is still the cheater she was before.

 

Maybe you need to divorce her and find someone with better character.

 

 

Now I ask you.....if you say you have only slept with two men in your life ( your x and your present husband) then it comes to lite that isn't true per your own writings, how can your memory be that bad.

 

Her memory isn't that bad, she is plain old lying to you. Or at least she thinks in her mind that if she says she can't remember, that it isn't lying since she didn't say one way or the other. She thinks you are stupid.

 

 

Maybe this should be a non issue but the deception over the years makes it relevant to me. I am not trying to relive the past but just this week it came up in conversation that she had brought this guy to the lake and camp we got to every weekend. Guess what she has no memory of that.

 

So help me out here how can she not remember things that involve an ex lover?

 

she can remember, she just doesn't want to tell you the truth, she is dodging the issue.

 

Plano, have you really ever considered divorce? She cheated on an X back then, she cheated on you, emotionally, but still cheated, and continues to lie to you. This woman is not trustworthy. Are you willing to put up with that and settle for less in life?

[bish]

You obviously aren't prepared to forgive her so why not just tell her you want a divorce and have done with it ?

 

Why should he forgive her? She continues to lie to him.

 

I agree though, I wouldn't put up with it. I think he would be happier with someone better.

[Planofool]

I don't really think that you are playing the fool. Not at all.

 

You are simply biding your time, as you have 27 years invested in this. Why would you feel the need to rush to a hasty decision? After all, you have been waiting for some time already haven't you?

 

But the alarms have been raised and every time you look at her, you will question everything, about every moment and everything you did. You will wonder if it all was a lie.

 

There will come a time that you will make the hard choice to either leave or stay because if you don't you will go crazy.

 

Your anger will cause you to make this decision.

 

I am really sorry, as what you are going through must be unbearable.

 

Anger causes alot of things in a relationship, and you are probably right it will cause me to make a decision. When times are good I can almost forget the past......but something always brings back reality. If I could just get her to go to counseling there might be hope. She has already gone back to her old ways of running the show for me and the kids. She has always been very controling. In the beginning of our life together I was self employed and my income wasn't the greatest. I let her run the show and it hasn't stopped even though I have made really good money for the last 15 yrs. I guess my power dynamics are off. Now I am letting her get away with messing up are relationship also.

[Owl]

Again...why don't you set some personal boundaries about what you're willing to accept in your life?

 

Make it clear to her that she's not respecting those boundaries, and that there are set consequences for not respecting them.

 

Better to nip it small than wait until it escalates into a divorce.

 

Why do you have to ask her to go MC? Why not simply schedule it...tell her about it...and go. If she chooses not to participate, she'll hate the fact that you're talking about her without her present. Simply remind her she's SUPPOSED to go...

 

If nothing else, you'll learn more about restructuring the power dynamic in your marriage from the counselor.

 

Stop ASKING her to do something, or for something...simply do it and EXPECT her to either go along, or not.

 

You're a man...step up to the plate.

[Planofool]

We went to counseling together the first time and then I went by myself. She said she did not want to drag up all the hurt from her past. She then recanted and said she needed to go and claimed she called twice at the hospital she works at but could not get ahold of anyone. That was the last I heard from her on the subject.

[carhill]

Continue to go to counseling by yourself. It will clarify many things for you if you are open to the process.

 

As an abstract relationship absolute, women remember everything. What memories they choose to share and/or contemplate outwardly is another matter entirely

[soda]

My wife demonstrates that selective memory, too. Our marriage became "bad" and we "were both so unhappy." She seems to forget that our marriage became crappy because of her emotional affair. I suppose the legal system is a good place to remind her that she's not quite the person she'd thought she'd be. I don't even think she suspects that I've hired a female attorney who used to hate her in high school.

[Planofool]

I guess I am pretty stupid......to pose this question about memory considering there isn't a detail of our 27 yrs together she doesn't remember. I just need to refrain from asking questions I already know the answers to.

 

OK we have been together 27 yrs. Our 25th wedding aniversery is this August. The 25th should be special.....what do I get her? I have some nice pictures of her old lovers she still has hidden in the house or maybe all her old love letters from her cousin individualy framed for her. How about 3 months of cell phone records from last year showing all the calls she made to her cousin. That would make a nice wall hanging.