sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Hello all. My fiance Wonderboy and I are going through a tough time at the moment- not with our relationship per se, but it is being affected by a few external things that we have going on at the moment. We are both leaving our jobs next month, and moving back to our home country on the other side of the world, where we will then look for new jobs, a house etc and get married at the end of the year. The wedding plans are at the bottom of the priority list for now, we will pick up those again when we get home. So.... its quite a stressful time. We are both very busy at work in the lead up to leaving, Wonderboy has been working extra hours for extra money, as we are going to have a month travelling on our way home, so we need the extra cash for that. We don't seem to have that much time together, and when we do, we are either trying to spend time with the friends we are leaving behind, or trying to get stuff done like packing and all the other jobs we need to do before we leave, and bickering about it. We also live in a tiny house with too many other people, and neither of us feels that we have any "space" to just chill out- we live on top of eachother and that is starting to get to me badly. I have more friends here than WB (other friends from my home country who also live here), and because I have only lived in London for a year, I feel like I have neglected them for all the years that I was with my evil ex. I don't really have that much in common with WBs friends, and he works with some of his too, so I think (unfairly) that mine are more important (to me) and I would rather go do things with them in my spare time than hang out with his buddies, especially as that time is limited. WB is a very tolerant and great BF- he never moans about my friends, he always comes to things with me, in fact I think he has been SO different to my ex in that respect that I have started to unwittingly take advantage of his good nature. Yesterday he pointed out to me that he feels that I am doing that, and that he feels sometimes that I don't appreciate him and all the stuff he does for me. He says he also feels that it isn't always reciprocated, and that he doesn't always feel like he can approach the subject with me. I cried, and apologised, as did he. Sigh. I feel terrible. I love him so much, and I realise that I have been quite selfish. He is such a great guy, and has been so different to my last BF (with whom I had to fight my corner every step of the way) that I think I have been given an inch and taken a mile. We have been bickering about dumb stuff, and I think our living arrangements are partially to blame for that- we can't just go off to opposite ends of the house to do our own thing and chill, we can't even argue without the rest of the house hearing. But we have to live here till we go. In the next 6 weeks our timetable is jammed with social events, leaving work commitments, and various things we have to do before we leave here for good. I want to get through it without fighting and us both getting to see enough of our respective friends while also seeing eachother. We knew the last couple of months here would be busy and stressful, and that it would be a good test on our R. Any ideas on how I can be a bit more tolerant of stuff and chill out while at the same time get all this stuff done and keep my R going strong?
Author sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 How do you get through stressful times and still emerge out the other side with your R intact? I have never been in this situation before.
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Start leaving him little love notes around the house. When you come home, bring him flowers or something you'll know he'll appreciate. Don't think ahead, stay in the moment. Stuff will get done as time goes along.. Just keep in mind the stuff you're bugged about ISN'T worth getting into arguments about - Pick your battles...Keep it inside of you if he's getting on your nerves and if he is pissy with you, ask him to keep it to himself unless it's big issue.
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 If you consider how long you've been planning this move, it's only six more weeks to go. Why not deliberately take one day a week and make it about the two of you and what both of you want to do, simple things, like a walk in the park, a hike or somewhere that's calm and peaceful, so you can relax and chat, on a non-stressful level. Beyond that, the balance of the six days, you can both spend time with career and friends, even if it's separately. Keep in mind that you don't need to spend all your time together, since you'll be doing 24x7, fairly soon. Downtime never hurt anyone. Beyond that, how exciting for you! Only six more weeks!!
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 How do you get through stressful times and still emerge out the other side with your R intact? I have never been in this situation before. Make time for eachother no matter what. Don't forget that he comes first..And he should make time for you as well, even if life is busy as heck.
Kamille Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Hi SB, First, I think the both of you are already dealing with it as best you can, and that deserves a pat on the back. He brought up his concerns, you are now aware of them and more then willing to recognize their validity. A month goes by really quickly, so I fully understand why you feel you need to get as much as possible in before leaving - but I wonder if that isn't precisely the feeling you should avoid. So instead of speeding up, try to slow things down. Why not plan one good quality time event with both your group of friends? (A night of camping usually does it for me. It's a lowkey event, where the focus is on the people present, which lasts longer then a night out in the town, thereby allowing for unrushed conversation - and I find the best part is in the morning, when everyone sits around for breakfast. I understand that since you already have so much on your plate, planning a camping trip likely isn't ideal, but I bring it up to point out what makes it quality time for me.) Why not schedule weekly quality time with Wonderboy, that way, you don't lose sight of each other in the rush? I guess what I'm saying is that a month is a short amount of time, and perhaps the best way to deal with it is to schedule down time (I personnally don't think it's antithetic to schedule down time). good luck MM
marlena Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Just remember that the situation is temporary and that soon you'll both be on vacation together alone. Sleep well, eat well and focus on the future. TBF's idea of dedicating one day out of the week to eachother exclusively sounds good as do WWIU's little scattered love notes. You are fortunate in that your boyfriend verbalizes his emotions. This is a very important thing as it cues you into what you have to do to reverse a problem in the making. It sounds like he has some very good communication skills. Use them to your advantage. Have a great time travelling! Marlena
Author sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Just keep in mind the stuff you're bugged about ISN'T worth getting into arguments about - Pick your battles...Keep it inside of you if he's getting on your nerves and if he is pissy with you, ask him to keep it to himself unless it's big issue. I know I know. Thank you everyone. Its SO close, yet feels so far at the same time. I am losing the will to live at work- its so demanding and busy, yet my "give a sh*t" factor is at about -8. Knowing you are going makes it harder in that respect I think. WB DOES keep it to himself- its me that gets pissy about the small stuff. Then if we have a fight he brings up the bigger stuff that he is worried about- which we both agree may not be the best way to go about it, but then I shouldn't get naggy about little things. He is stressed too, and he is usually SO laid back- I am the stresshead normally. I am going to cook him a nice dinner tonight, he isn't going to be here for the next two nights, he is going on a school camp. (which, in honesty might be a good thing, give us a chance to miss eachother!) I agree- we shouldn't do everything together 24-7. We both want to get to know eachothers friends who are coming to our wedding, but its important that we do spend time with our friends alone. We are having our hen/stag parties on the same night in a couple of weeks, so we are pretty much having that whole weekend apart alone with our respective groups of friends, so that will be good for us both I think. Thanks again ladies. Just needed a little pick me up and a reminder that i am normal.
Author sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Aw thanks, you guys are nice too, I had hoped that my favourite LS ladies would reply to this thread, and they did. I AM quite selfish...... I am working on that though. Wonderboy is the only BF I have had that has encouraged me to be selfish by looking out for me so much- which is nice, but I need to give back what he gives me too. The others were so selfish themselves that it was a constant battle of wills- at least I WANT to be less selfish for WB. All Rs are a work in progress though right?
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 sb, I don't see you as a selfish person but if you feel that way about yourself, you have to know that becoming less selfish, can have some real payback from WB. I guess it's all about showing appreciation and being appreciated. WB sounds like a great guy and I'll echo what marlena said about his ability to communicate his emotions. It's a wonderful trait! I so envy you.
Author sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I think some of my selfishness has come from being the giver SO much in other Rs, that now I am not the only giver, its much more on even ground. I don't see myself as a taker taker either- I am glad he has told me before things have escalated and resentments have bubbled away. We are a pretty good team, I just need to remember to tell him how great he is as well as tell everyone else!
Author sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Selfish= I like my own way most of the time. (don't we all though?) I won't fight for it though. Any hoo, thanks again ladies, I am off to the gym to get rid of some of that work tension then i will return home to play domestic goddess with a chicken. Chicken dinner and maybe a BJ for dessert. Nothing shows a guy appreciation more than a spontaneous BJ.
marlena Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Chicken dinner and maybe a BJ for dessert. Nothing shows a guy appreciation more than a spontaneous BJ. Absolutely!! Lucky stiff (Oops! Excuse the pun :D:D)!!
Touche Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Occasional bickering is normal. As I recall a few weeks before the wedding we picked at each other more. I know you're months off but I guess my point is that any kind of added stress can manifest itself in that way unfortunately. As long as you can both talk about it without it turning into a shouting match, you'll be fine. Interesting dynamic between you and WB. I've always considered myself the more "selfish" one in our union. I have to keep myself in check so that I don't take advantage too much. So in that regard you sound like me. As long as you make an effort to give more and you do express appreciation for WB's does, you should be fine. Appreciation and respect is mostly what guys like our guys look for. They're pretty easy to please that way. The fact that he feels safe in bringing up any concerns and the fact that you take what he says to heart speaks volumes about the kind of relationship you both have. Don't worry, SB. You'll be fine. I thought you got good advice from the other ladies here. Take some time out and do something just for him at least once a week if you can spare the time. No one should come before him.
Author sb129 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Thanks Touche. To be honest, the wedding planning should be a piece of cake compared with all the stuff we have to get done in the next month! (especially since all the big stuff for the wedding is already organised) Its not easy to admit to being "the more selfish one", but being able to do it should help me AND our R. I think its a little left over self preservation mechanism from being in such destructive previous Rs, coupled with a smidge of competitiveness/ self esteem issue hangover? Strange combo. Whatever- no point worrying about where it came from, just that its there and I need to make sure I address it at the appropriate times.
tanbark813 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 How do you get through stressful times and still emerge out the other side with your R intact? Increased liquor and head.
Touche Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Thanks Touche. To be honest, the wedding planning should be a piece of cake compared with all the stuff we have to get done in the next month! (especially since all the big stuff for the wedding is already organised) Its not easy to admit to being "the more selfish one", but being able to do it should help me AND our R. I think its a little left over self preservation mechanism from being in such destructive previous Rs, coupled with a smidge of competitiveness/ self esteem issue hangover? Strange combo. Whatever- no point worrying about where it came from, just that its there and I need to make sure I address it at the appropriate times. I agree with you that it doesn't really matter where it came from but that you address it and are aware of it as it comes up. I did find what you wrote about where it stems from interesting though. I can sure relate to that. You know, I'd much rather deal with my own selfishness than someone else's. At least I can control mine. You can't control someone else's. Better to be with a giver than a taker too. I don't want my H to ever think that he's being taken advantage of though. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Some people wouldn't care though. You don't sound like you're one of those people so you shouldn't have a problem with this. That's great about the wedding. So if you can just get through the next month or so you'll be fine. Think of it as a test. Because you know that when you're married things will come up...things that will put stress on your marriage. Now is a good time to learn how to deal with those times in a constructive manner.
Ariadne Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Any ideas on how I can be a bit more tolerant of stuff and chill out while at the same time get all this stuff done and keep my R going strong? Just have joy in whatever you are doing. Get in the moment. Do things joyfully. If you have to and extract a tooth make it fun. So you won't be drained. Exciting times ahead. Seems like everything is going to work out great. Just a little more, enjoy the last days.
Nemo Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Increased liquor and head. Superb advice! And they're complementary - the first can make the second last a bit longer. Perfect.
Author sb129 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Just have joy in whatever you are doing. Get in the moment. Do things joyfully. If you have to and extract a tooth make it fun. So you won't be drained. Exciting times ahead. Seems like everything is going to work out great. Just a little more, enjoy the last days. Thanks Ariadne. I actually quite like pulling out teeth- its quick! Increased liquor and head. Superb advice! And they're complementary - the first can make the second last a bit longer. Perfect. Of course you two would say that. Why does it matter how long a BJ lasts as long as you are getting one?
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 WB is a very tolerant and great BF- he never moans about my friends, he always comes to things with me, in fact I think he has been SO different to my ex in that respect that I have started to unwittingly take advantage of his good nature. Yesterday he pointed out to me that he feels that I am doing that, and that he feels sometimes that I don't appreciate him and all the stuff he does for me. He says he also feels that it isn't always reciprocated, and that he doesn't always feel like he can approach the subject with me. I cried, and apologised, as did he. SB, the part I underlined is very important. Please pay special attention to what he is telling you here. It has to do with communication. If he doesn't feel comfortable communicating with you... that's bad news. I've been there. I know how this goes. Make changes now!
Nemo Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Why does it matter how long a BJ lasts as long as you are getting one? That's like saying, "Why don't you just take the one M&M - a single colour - from the packet, and save the rest for another time?"
Author sb129 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Please pay special attention to what he is telling you here. It has to do with communication. If he doesn't feel comfortable communicating with you... that's bad news. "and that he doesn't always feel like he can approach the subject with me." UF- Thanks for the response. I was concerned by this too, as I thought we have pretty good communication. I hope you didn't read that as "he always feels he can't communicate with me", because that definitely isn't the case. He does feel comfortable communicating with me most of the time (one of the reasons why i love him), however on this particular topic he was worried that I might take it the wrong way, especially given the amount stress we are both under at the moment. The good thing is- I didn't take it the wrong way and rather than get defensive and counter accusatory, I understood what he was saying and am glad we talked about it while its still a manageable problem. The fact that he feels safe in bringing up any concerns and the fact that you take what he says to heart At risk of sounding uber defensive of our R and "cherry picking" the good parts from other peoples posts, I do believe that in general we have good communication. We slipped up this time. That's like saying, "Why don't you just take the one M&M - a single colour - from the packet, and save the rest for another time?" You don't do that? Freak.
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