confusedforalongtim3 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I'm in desperate need of some advice, please help!! I'm in what i think is a bad relationship and have met a new girl who i feel could be the right one. I'm a 28 year old guy who has been with a 29year old girl for 3 years. Our relationship has had problems since the end of the first year, We have had many arguments when we decide to break up. But for some reason neither of us has the guts to end it permanently and we both apologise. Then to make matters worse we emigrated to her home country because of my work where things got even worse. I asked her to move out soon after we arrived but after 6 months she moved back in, i was lonely and she needed a place to live - we decided we would give it another shot. Our problems are: - We fight about trivial things, she has thrown things at me and hit me - we never spend time together, even when we are both at home we will always be in separate rooms - I have taken 2 trips home on my own and 1 vacation without her - She is completely disinterested in sex - we very rarely go anywhere together, our social lives are completely separate I am not sure what to do, i am too scared to move out or ask her to leave because i don't want to break her heart again. I dumped her once and then asked her back, i feel like the biggest ahole for thinking of doing it again. The past few months i have told her im unhappy and i think we don't have a future, but she doesn't seem to care. She doesn't want to talk about it and just tells me it will be fine. I'm really not in love with this girl anymore but i don't know how to tell her. If i tell her i've met someone else it will hurt her even more. To make matters worse i told the girl i met that i am single. I have only met her twice for dinner/drinks and have not kissed her yet. Please give me your thoughts, feel free to tell me if you think im an ******* thank you!!
Walk Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 It's hard to break up with someone, even if you know the relationship is wrong for you. I learned from experience that the best way to handle it is to bite the bullet and break up. Its far more humane then slipping around behind your significant others back seeing other people, and then devestating them when they find out about it. And she will find out about it. I think you know what you have to do in this situation, but you're finding excuses to delay the outcome. I am not sure what to do, i am too scared to move out or ask her to leave because i don't want to break her heart again. I dumped her once and then asked her back, i feel like the biggest ahole for thinking of doing it again. The past few months i have told her im unhappy and i think we don't have a future, but she doesn't seem to care. She doesn't want to talk about it and just tells me it will be fine. I think you need to analyze the reasons you haven't ended this relationship yet. Do you feel you might be a bit co-dependent, and its preventing you from striking out on your own? When you break up with your gf, do you feel she is incapable of taking care of herself? Why do you feel like you have to stay with this woman even after she's told you she doesn't want to face any of the problems in the relationship with you? You can't fix this relationship. Your gf doesn't want to recognize that there is a problem, and she's refusing to help you with it. If her heart is broken because you broke up with her, then it's her own damn fault. Someone who cares about you will spend the time to listen to problems, will attempt to find solutions, and will want to work WITH you to make you happy in the relationship. If the person isn't willing to do that, if you've tried to repair the relationship and create open discussions about it, then the dissolution of the relationship falls on their shoulders, not yours. But to me, it doesn't sound like your gf wants to stay in this relationship. Its convient to her because she gets a place to stay and some companionship. She doesn't have to really work at it, or try to make you happy with how things are. She's treating you with no respect, and she believes you'll continue to stay no matter how she treats you. End the relationship, and tell your new girl the truth. Its not fair to your new girl if you don't. That's the only part I can fault you on. You lied about your relationship.
BrooklynBridge Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 This sounds like the worst relationship ever. Why wouldn't you end this?
imbewildered Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Our problems are: - We fight about trivial things, she has thrown things at me and hit me - She is completely disinterested in sex THere's your problem. She is a perpetrator and is also guilty of "denial of affection" that makes her an abuser .( I read that in some supermaket women's magazine ) If you were a woman you would have everyone here screaming at you to toss his azz out and call the cops. Dump her man and find yourself a "nice" woman.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 You're staying with her out of guilt. Because you broke up with her once, you're afraid to hurt her again. But you've said that she's unsympathetic and sometimes bordering apathy, so most likely she will throw things at you to save a little dignity and walk out the door never to return. If you're unhappy with her, then you shouldn't stay with her. The only reason you've stayed with her for so long is because you moved to her country and everything was so foreign to you. She basically became your lifeline in that country because you've been so lonely. If you truly want happiness then its best to break it off, be honest with the new girl, and start over new.
Author confusedforalongtim3 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 But to me, it doesn't sound like your gf wants to stay in this relationship. Its convient to her because she gets a place to stay and some companionship. She doesn't have to really work at it, or try to make you happy with how things are. She's treating you with no respect, and she believes you'll continue to stay no matter how she treats you. End the relationship, and tell your new girl the truth. Its not fair to your new girl if you don't. That's the only part I can fault you on. You lied about your relationship. Thank you and other posters so much for the advice. I think i just needed to hear someone else who doesn't know me say it. I can see now that yes she is only staying here because she gets a free apartment and some companionship. Telling the new girl i met will be hard, i don't want to risk her hating me. But i guess i do not have a choice. If i don't tell her now and we get become serious it will blow up one day. So anyway i told her today its over. I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings, and read it to her. I told her i would find her a new place and pay her deposit on the new place. It makes me feel sick but this is the only thing that consoled her. She is happy that we can part on amicable terms. Now i just have to find the place and get her into it.
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