nab0610 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Ok well a hair of background about my life... I was 8 months ago about a hair away from getting engaged to a woman when things broke away i ended up ending the relationship because my feelings changed when my ex said/did some things never cheated on me or anything but my feeling changed anyways i've been home working since may 1st and theres this absolutely amazing girl that i work nights until 11 with about 4 nights a week. We always get about 2 hours to just hang out and talk because the place is just dead during these times were always fooling around little play bumping, nudging, messing around having some fun, i've learned alot about her life especially recently and alot about her past...she was married 2 years ago, engaged to a guy i've met once or twice...at first i was turned off by the fact that she has a 2 year old child...but i can tell i'm falling in love with her because i'm starting to realize it wouldn't really bother me she's done some suggestive things every now and then, but to me she seems like she's not the type of person to cheat on her fiancee nor do i want that... she has mentioned trying to get a poker night going between co workers so we can get some beer just chill and relax... any1 got some advice for me...right now i'm just letting things go as they go and i'm not trying to force anything
mihea Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 First of all. You shouldn't rush it. Be friendly to her but not too pushy, don't let her think that she is the queen of your world and maybe you'll succeed. Appart from that you'll be able to recognise if her affection is based just on your affection to her or she is really into you and your character. When you're having a poker night show her that you're smart and a bit competitive, but do not overreact, it could distract her.
CaliGuy Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 She's engaged? HANDS OFF! How would you feel if some dude at your fiance's work was scamming on your future wife? Besides, if she doesn't respect the ring with him, what makes you think she would value or respect a relationship with you? Back away and leave this woman alone. Friends is ok but nothing more.
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I agree with Cali. I've been on both sides of that fence, and neither are good places to be. As the betrayed guy, it causes a ton of emotional scarring. As the betraying guy, you wind up with a p_ssed off guy at your front door one day with a Louisville*. It's a path you just don't want to go down...trust me. I'm having a standing problem with this myself; every girl I fall for is either dating someone, or outright married. Fortunately, lately I've learned to overcome my initial reaction, which is to go for them anyway. It's tricky (especially since taken people do seem to love flirting), but it's necessary. Even if something happens that is unrelated to you and she becomes single again, wait. If the ex catches the two of you together shortly after their breakup, valid or not, he'll blame it on you; again, cue the Louisville.
CaliGuy Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I agree with Cali. I've been on both sides of that fence, and neither are good places to be. As the betrayed guy, it causes a ton of emotional scarring. As the betraying guy, you wind up with a p_ssed off guy at your front door one day with a Louisville*. It's a path you just don't want to go down...trust me. I'm having a standing problem with this myself; every girl I fall for is either dating someone, or outright married. Fortunately, lately I've learned to overcome my initial reaction, which is to go for them anyway. It's tricky (especially since taken people do seem to love flirting), but it's necessary. Even if something happens that is unrelated to you and she becomes single again, wait. If the ex catches the two of you together shortly after their breakup, valid or not, he'll blame it on you; again, cue the Louisville. I'm not overly concerned with the jealous fiancé. I'm more concerned with the fact that she would entertain the flirting and then act on it. The general rule of cheating is as follows: "If he/she will cheat on their S/O with you, they will cheat ON you as well." In other words, if she can't maintain the integrity of her current relationship, odds are she won't be able to maintain it with him either. This is one of the biggest red flags and certainly not the way to kick off a relationship.
Author nab0610 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I know what your saying and its raised red flags with me as well which is why i came here. Personally if she ever tried to do anything with me while still in a relationship with this guy or directly after breaking up with him I wouldn't do it or i'd at least try to slow things down... I can tell she's fighting it which is what makes it difficult, it was just one of those things we hit it off from the get go...just the other day she caught herself because she winked at me then quickly blinked a couple of times trying to play it off I know its difficult and i'm not trying to push anything its just hard when you really like someone because of who they are, there personality, and the fact that you have so much in common
CaliGuy Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 So then my best advice to you is to back waaaaaaaaaay off. Let her work out her own issues and then if she becomes available you can decide what to do. If you have not distanced yourself from their relationship and the problems associated, then you become part of the problem itself.
bish Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 First of all. You shouldn't rush it. Be friendly to her but not too pushy, don't let her think that she is the queen of your world and maybe you'll succeed. huh? You are actually giving him advice on how to get her to break her engagement? How despicable is this?
Author nab0610 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 thanks for the advice...i do plan on backing off i know ppl can't help with the way they feel so if things happen they happen if not then you move on with your life i don't want to try to break off her engagement if i wanted to do that i wouldn't have come here for advice...i just haven't been put into a situation where i've wanted to be with someone who's engaged/married
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 ...i do plan on backing off i know ppl can't help with the way they feel so if things happen they happen People can CONTROL how they feel in a situation where they know it's wrong. You know this woman is engaged so allowing yourself to fall for her is just plain foolish. You're not an crazed animal - You MAKE yourself realize she's NOT available and you work on getting over it. To say you can't help howyou feel is one thing, to pursue it KNOWINGLY is another. It's still a choice.
CaliGuy Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Here's an example. At the new gym I go to, there is a drop dead gorgeous woman that works at the front desk. She gets hit on all the time and I know she's working so I thought better of asking her out. Well, about a month ago she showed up to work with a big fat ring on her finger. From that moment on any thoughts I had of asking her out fell by the wayside. Why? Because I respect that she has promised herself to another man. Now, I am one of the few men at the gym who actually respects that. I was talking to her the other day and she quipped that "It seems like some of these guys see the ring and totally ignore it, like it means nothing to them!" I couldn't agree with her more. Once someone is engaged, all bets are off. Instead of encouraging this relationship, instead of allowing yourself to draw closer to her, you should do the RIGHT thing and back off. Big time. Whatever happens between her and her fiancé is between them and should not include you. And if she does break it off to be with you, I really have to question her integrity (unless of course she had been having second thoughts long before she met you). And before she does break it off, I hope she realizes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Cheers, mate.
Author nab0610 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 i do understand what your both saying, but i also said you can't help the way you feel because you can't you can fight it and you can choose not to act on it, which is what stronger better ppl do...thats what i'm opting to do thats just my opinion though when it comes to feeling something...and it goes both ways for her and me i'm not going to try to pursue a relationship with her i'm going to go about my daily business at work and do what i've always done work...i'm not going to stop talking to her but at the same time im not going to try to lead a conversation in a particular way as for the ring she doesn't wear it when she works so when i first met her i didn't even know she was engaged...i found out after i started talking to her some
CaliGuy Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 i do understand what your both saying, but i also said you can't help the way you feel because you can't you can fight it and you can choose not to act on it, which is what stronger better ppl do...thats what i'm opting to do thats just my opinion though when it comes to feeling something...and it goes both ways for her and me i'm not going to try to pursue a relationship with her i'm going to go about my daily business at work and do what i've always done work...i'm not going to stop talking to her but at the same time im not going to try to lead a conversation in a particular way as for the ring she doesn't wear it when she works so when i first met her i didn't even know she was engaged...i found out after i started talking to her some I think you're on the right track, however I would avoid getting into situations where you two are alone together or talk about things other than on a friendly level. She doesn't wear her ring at work eh? I'm starting to wonder about this woman.
Keridan Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I know he said that they work in a restaraunt. Or at least implied it. Sometimes you can't wear rings if you go in the kitchen. I put my wedding band on a necklace whenever I'm cooking. After that, it's right back on my finger. OP, has she hinted at interest in you? If so, get away from her You can always find ways to be busy. If all else fails, be honest. Tell her yer into her, but not stupid or mean and don't want to break her up with her fiance. You just want her to know so that if you take space sometimes, it's not a comment on her, just trying to be a better man than all that.
Author nab0610 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 I don't know why she doesn't wear it at work, but i work at a grocery store...we both work nights as a 2nd job she did tell me she doesn't wear it at work tho when she told me she was engaged...anyways i'll take your guys advice and back up because i consider myself to be a pretty caring guy and i've been hurt by some similar things before
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