bf and female housemate-not sure how to handle

[drumming_girl]

I've been w/my bf almost a year. During that time, we broke up once for a month and a half and got back together (this was in April). We've had some turbulent times-a bit of drama, but we love each other a lot.

 

Anyway, he's 24, and lives in a house that's more like a co-ed dorm. He shares a room with a bunch of guys (bunk beds). This has been frustrating for me the whole time we've been together, because I live kind of far from him, and we can only have quality intimate time when he comes to my place and stays with me.

 

Needless to say, I'm not happy with his living situation but he says he won't change it til he gets a car in another couple of months. I've tried to encourage him to answer an ad on craigslist and just rent a room with someone. He doesn't want to live with someone he doesn't know. I don't get that, cuz people he doesn't know come in and out of this house where he lives constantly (one even stole the iPod I gave him for Christmas. )

 

I'm also not happy that there are girls living there. I can be kind of jealous.

 

I suggested that he find someone at the house who he trusts, who wants to move out, and get a 2-bdrm with that person. Well, he was considering doing this with a woman in the house I'll call Jane. I think Jane only recently moved in. He said Jane is cool, and she seems responsible. I'm not sure about him living with just 1 woman. That doesn't make me totally comfortable. I didn't object, though.

 

I am even less comfortable now, because he's been talking a lot about how Jane likes this guy I'll call Karl, who lives in the house. My bf keeps saying, he can't understand why Jane likes Karl, when Karl's a bit of a screw-up and not that smart. I can't understand why he cares so much. Last night my bf stayed over and we hung out wiht a couple of his friends, and he talked about it for a while with them. One of his friends said Jane is "cute."

 

Now, he hasn't said much about Jane beyond these things but he seems to be jealous of Karl in general. I've never heard him complain about Karl before, even tho Karl's been living there a long time. Now he's saying their landlord keeps coming to my bf, complaining about Karl--maybe that is why Karl is on his mind so much. I guess the landlord is considering kicking Karl out, because Karl has screwed up some construction jobs the landlord assigned him.

 

I'm trying not to discuss this with my bf, because right now I don't really know if he has an attraction to Jane, or what the situation is.

 

He's very attentive in our relationship. He'll call me from the house at night-we talk all the time--he texts me, emails, IMs me...is very communicative.

 

Because he doesn't seem to be pulling away from me, or seeming like he's interested in another woman, other than talking about her a lot lately and her attraction to Karl, I'm deciding to not even broach my discomfort over Jane with him. I thought I might just stay quiet and listen for a while to see what my gut tells me.

 

Also, my bf said he was having second thoughts about moving in with Jane because she didn't pay her cellphone bill (so maybe she is not so responsible after all?) So maybe I won't even have to mention that I'm not sure I'm cool w/him moving in with Jane.

 

I've also considered asking him to move in with me, but I have to see how well things are going at the time he gets his car. Like I said, things have been rocky.

 

If, though, the situation changes and he decides to move in with her, how should I talk about it, without coming across like I'm too jealous? Do you all even think I SHOULD bring it up?

[endlesstrains]

I think you have a right to be a little wary... sure, it is 2008, but a non-single guy moving in with a girl who he is attracted to is really asking for disaster... it would be one thing if she was an old friend from school/childhood and he had only platonic feelings for her, but this is obviously not the case. I'm not saying he is definitely hot for her but the option is there, especially since he doesn't know her too well. I would definitely be uncomfortable as well if my BF was going to move in by himself with a female roommate, but I think he would never do that because he realizes it is inappropriate. If it sounds like your BF is really going to make the move, I would try to find a way to talk to him about it without being accusing or threatening in any way... just try to feel out his reasons and why he feels it is ok to move in with a female roommate who he just met.

[theobserver]

I think he could be setting himself up for some trouble and effectively ending the relationship, HOWEVER, you haven't really spoke up yet. You need to tell him your not comfortable with this and you need to tell him now before their plans to move are set more into the stone and theyre both because he ddin't have time to pull out.

 

I can't make you want him to live with you but maybe you could offer to put him up for x months while he finds somewhere else, or hey maybe you'll enjoy it but I do know your waiting for the car situation etc. There just has to be a compromise here.

 

Anyway to clarify I agree with your fears, I do find it somewhat unusual but if you don't speak up he's going to presume it's ok and maybe that you're a doormat too. I know my girlfriend would of spoke up from day one if I said I was going to be living with some random chick etc infact I'd probably lose a toe for bringing up something so stupid lol.

 

Good Luck.

[sally4sara]

I can understand your moment of pause over this, but you should look at all the "green" flags in your relationship too.

You already have a LDR and have found no reason to not trust that this relationship is important to your BF. He could just as easily have gone home with random girls during this time and cheated without having ever lived as a roommate with a girl. He hasn't tried hiding any of this from you. He has even gone so far as to share his inner monologue with you concerning his reasons for why she is a good candidate and why she might not be a good candidate. And keep in mind, the first time she showed signs of not being very responsible, THAT is what he was worrying about. So it sound to me like he is mostly just looking for a good roommate. He sounds like a serious minded guy, do you think he would risk a drama situation in his own home?

I had three guy roommates and no female roommates for the 8 months I was in a LDR with my fiance. They were all hetero and there was no funny business going on.

Get to know the girl as best as you can. If she seems like she will be a problem then talk to your guy about it. If you can't get to know her well, you can always let him know that you would prefer he have a guy roomie. But you still need to keep in mind that if he is going to cheat it doesn't have to be with some girl he shares an apartment with.

[drumming_girl]

I can understand your moment of pause over this, but you should look at all the "green" flags in your relationship too.

You already have a LDR and have found no reason to not trust that this relationship is important to your BF. He could just as easily have gone home with random girls during this time and cheated without having ever lived as a roommate with a girl. He hasn't tried hiding any of this from you. He has even gone so far as to share his inner monologue with you concerning his reasons for why she is a good candidate and why she might not be a good candidate. And keep in mind, the first time she showed signs of not being very responsible, THAT is what he was worrying about. So it sound to me like he is mostly just looking for a good roommate. He sounds like a serious minded guy, do you think he would risk a drama situation in his own home?

I had three guy roommates and no female roommates for the 8 months I was in a LDR with my fiance. They were all hetero and there was no funny business going on.

Get to know the girl as best as you can. If she seems like she will be a problem then talk to your guy about it. If you can't get to know her well, you can always let him know that you would prefer he have a guy roomie. But you still need to keep in mind that if he is going to cheat it doesn't have to be with some girl he shares an apartment with.

 

These are all good points. Thanks. If he's still seriously thinking about moving in with her, I will suggest that I meet her...after all, I'd be spending time at their place, right? He needs to know that both me and the girl are comfortable with each other.

[Ronni_W]

He needs to know that both me and the girl are comfortable with each other.

Well, that's not HIS need as much as your way of making your request seem legit, isn't it? So, maybe suggest it to him as you thinking about 'Jane' -- that she'll likely want to ensure she is comfortable with you, since you'll be spending a lot of time at her place.

 

What I'd really suggest, though, is that you just come clean with him, and say you want to work through all your own niggly doubts so there won't be any nasty surprises later, that'll come up and spoil the wonderful relationship that you and he share.

 

Best of luck.