The long road ahead for astra

[astra77]

I am a person who made mistakes. I am a person who NEVER thought I would fall in love again, but I did I am a person who realised after 6 months that I was 2nd prize, even though I was made to believe I was 1st ( how blind am I )I am a person that cheated. I am a person who fell in love with a MM, while I too was married. I WAS the OW

and I hit rock bottom................ twice

I HAD TO FALL TO LOOSE IT ALL

 

Well I fell, I lost, I died, I still suffer

BUT..........I am a survivour. I am trying HARD to rebuild - my god it's a stuggle. I am a person who is worthy of love and healthy relationships - The A was NOT healthy. I am not healthy

But I am also not a rescue worker who will put the MM's life back together at the cost of my own life and happiness. I am not the third person supporting his marriage. That would be GREAT for him, but not so great for me. If he married the wrong person - he should leave - but he hasn't I AM NOT 2nd prize, I AM worthy of 1st prize - only I AM 2nd prize to HIM and ALWAYS will be. I should not have to give my ALL, my soul to a R and not get the same in return. I will not settle for this life, I will work through the hurt and pain and come out the other side a better person. I will not beat myself up for it - I made a mistake and need to move on. I will hurt for quite some time, I will have Up's & Down's, High's & Low's. I gave everything I had to him and he has kept it, wont give it back

 

But do I really want it back?

 

Do I want to be the sad sorry a#@ person he makes me be, or do I want to reclaim my life and be a better person? I will try to read this when I am having a down moment and remind myself that I am better than 2nd prize and I deserve more

[nadiaj2727]

I am a person who made mistakes. I am a person who NEVER thought I would fall in love again, but I did I am a person who realised after 6 months that I was 2nd prize, even though I was made to believe I was 1st ( how blind am I )I am a person that cheated. I am a person who fell in love with a MM, while I too was married. I WAS the OW

and I hit rock bottom................ twice

I HAD TO FALL TO LOOSE IT ALL

 

Well I fell, I lost, I died, I still suffer

BUT..........I am a survivour. I am trying HARD to rebuild - my god it's a stuggle. I am a person who is worthy of love and healthy relationships - The A was NOT healthy. I am not healthy

But I am also not a rescue worker who will put the MM's life back together at the cost of my own life and happiness. I am not the third person supporting his marriage. That would be GREAT for him, but not so great for me. If he married the wrong person - he should leave - but he hasn't I AM NOT 2nd prize, I AM worthy of 1st prize - only I AM 2nd prize to HIM and ALWAYS will be. I should not have to give my ALL, my soul to a R and not get the same in return. I will not settle for this life, I will work through the hurt and pain and come out the other side a better person. I will not beat myself up for it - I made a mistake and need to move on. I will hurt for quite some time, I will have Up's & Down's, High's & Low's. I gave everything I had to him and he has kept it, wont give it back

 

But do I really want it back?

 

Do I want to be the sad sorry a#@ person he makes me be, or do I want to reclaim my life and be a better person? I will try to read this when I am having a down moment and remind myself that I am better than 2nd prize and I deserve more

 

Good for you for realizing you are a person who deserves to be first priority in your partner's life, for refusing to settle for second and for refusing to tear apart a marriage or family to get what you want. You are very strong and your post is refreshing on here. Best wishes.

[astra77]

Thanx nadiaj2727. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would cheat on my husband. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would fall in love with someone else after i got married. I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would be the OW. I guess thats why it hurts so much.

 

I made a BIG mistake falling in love with a married man while I too was married.

 

But I would never FORCE my xmm to do something he didnt want to do

IE leave his kids - mind you he was definately not thinking of his kids when he had me over his desk shaggin me stupid - go figure. He is forced to do things he doesnt want to do by his wife on a daily basis.

 

The A was WRONG, and even though I still love him, I need to love myself more. I may NEVER get over him, NEVER get the answers to my questions, I may ALWAYS love him but I can not FORCE the issue. Which sounds so stupid - now that I read what I just wrote, I was selfish to have the affair in the first place - what a dumb ass I am. Im selfish enough to start the A in the 1st place, but not to "push" him to be with me - am I CRAZY ???????????

 

As to why it happened - I guess we really felt something there, but it wasnt strong enough to act on ie leaving our M's to be with each other. If he REALLY loved me, he would have left his wife to be with me - he knew I would leave my M. I only hope that I can muster the strength to remember this on my bad days. It makes me feel so cheap and nasty, but thats the price you pay for being an idiot i guess

 

THANKS AGAIN - hugs to you nadia :):)

[astra77]

FYI - I am on day 5 of NC, after some MAJOR slip up's and guess what - it IS getting a little easier - i still think of him ALOT, but not as much, I still want to contact him, but it's getting easier to say NO to myself, not too sure if i am having a good day or bad day yet, I still haven't found another job - I left the job that I loved as he was my boss, and i have had 2

" sorry you were unsuccessful" in getting the job calls today, so I am a little down about that.

 

I guess it's a little easier to go NC since he was so nasty to me when we spoke last week - said he had nothing to say to me, but that i was talking sh*& when i said he never loved me and I was just his side dish - god only knows what that was all about. His W was in the room when i called. But you know what, I can not be some1's side dishe, I have more to offer some1 than that.

[nadiaj2727]

FYI - I am on day 5 of NC, after some MAJOR slip up's and guess what - it IS getting a little easier - i still think of him ALOT, but not as much, I still want to contact him, but it's getting easier to say NO to myself, not too sure if i am having a good day or bad day yet, I still haven't found another job - I left the job that I loved as he was my boss, and i have had 2

" sorry you were unsuccessful" in getting the job calls today, so I am a little down about that.

 

I guess it's a little easier to go NC since he was so nasty to me when we spoke last week - said he had nothing to say to me, but that i was talking sh*& when i said he never loved me and I was just his side dish - god only knows what that was all about. His W was in the room when i called. But you know what, I can not be some1's side dishe, I have more to offer some1 than that.

 

Good for you for staying strong and staying in NC. You're right, it does get easier and as you have more space and distanst your mind will clear. I'm not sure what you're doing about your marriage but hopefully after awhile of being in NC you can focus on that and on yourself instead of on xMM who, you're right, did treat you like a side dish. You deserve better and I hope that your husband treats you well and you can start treating him well. Or if you want to divorce I hope you can focus on that and have it be as peaceful a process as possible. Hugs.

[Owl]

Where is your marriage at right now?

 

Does your H know about your affair?

 

How are you ENFORCING the NC?

[astra77]

I am still in my M, H doesnt know yet, as I myself do not know if i want to stay in the M. I have been suffering from depression, and I am still trying to work out who i am. It was quite a shock for me to realise I had lead a double life, I decieved my H and family, and mostly myself for the better part of 6 months. I feel like I do not know who i am at the moment and it feels like my xmm has stolen my identity - don't know if this makes sense.

 

I had to leave my job coz xmm was the boss and I have been out of work for a month. I still haven't found work yet, and I am scared to death of losing my house and car. Bills are piling up too.

 

I have done so many stupid and selfish things lately that I am trying my ass off to get new employment - trying to make this my focus. I have hurt so many people with my selfishness, the last thing i want to do is be kicked out in the street coz i cant pay the mortgage, my H would be devistated. I have not thought of anyone but myself for a very long time, and I want to focus on getting a job for my H. Hoping that once I get our life back on track in that department that I can work on the M

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I do not know who i am at the moment and it feels like my xmm has stolen my identity

 

No, he didn't steal it, you lost yourself and became someone you don't know anymore. Don't put that on the MM..Each of you are responsible for the affair 50-50.

 

For that, please seek counselling so you can find yourself again and figure out what you want to do. Counselling will also help you grieve in a healthy way and see if there are any real feelings of love left for your husband.

 

I do think though you need to tell your husband the truth so he can decide if he loves you enough to want to try to fix this. He may want a divorce, and that's his right. To keep him in the dark while you decide if you want to stay married isn't fair to him.

[astra77]

[quote

How are you ENFORCING the NC?

 

I dont really know that i am enforcing NC - xmm has not tried to contact me for about 4 weeks, stupid me was the one calling and emailing. I have just tried not to contact him for the last 6 days and so far it is working as finding a job is my focus. I still have my moments when i want to hear his voice, but i am able to say no to myself - and I remember the guide to the long walk, a line that say something about looking foolish if you constantly try to contact them. I feel foolish enough already, I dont need to look or feel any worse than i already do.

[whichwayisup]

Anytime you feel the urge to contact him, come here and post and/or go read that NC guide by no foolin'...

 

You can do this!

[astra77]

Thanx so much guys. I have to let go of xmm as the decision to stop the A has been made. No more coulda, shoulda, woulda for me - well i can only try!!

 

I guess I was scared for a long time that by letting go I would lose the memories, but as no foolin said, NO ONE can take that away from you. But at the same time I have to be woman enough to take responsibility for my indescretions, learn from that and NEVER do it again. After all the PAIN I have been through and still go through, i will NEVER enter into an A again ! My god it hurts so bad at times i feel like i am going to die.

 

I dont know what the future brings for me as I am in a dark place at the moment, but i will push through and see what awaits me on the other side. I guess i need to shake of the OW that I became before I can do this.

[astra77]

Anytime you feel the urge to contact him, come here and post and/or go read that NC guide by no foolin'...

 

You can do this!

 

Hugs to you. Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement !!

[astra77]

Yes I do deserve a healthy relationship.

 

As WRONG as the A was - I MADE MY BED AND NOW I LIE IN IT - i was actually prepared to leave my marriage to be with this guy. I wanted a life with this guy - HOWEVER - for his own reasons, he stayed M.

 

I will NOT be a bit of fluff on the side to "fluff up" HIS M and make him feel better about himself and HIS situation. He tested the waters with the W and I guess he decided that he couldnt leave coz of the kids, but thought oh F**K IT, I get what I want from the OW (me) so the situation can stay how it is - thats F***ING DANDY FOR HIM BUT NOT 4 ME.

 

So yeah - Yes I do deserve a healthy relationship. An A is NOT a healthy R AT ALL.

[astra77]

All I hear (read) is Me Me Me Me Me. Where is your H in all this?

 

I had the A not my H - so it is about me me me me. I cheated, not my H, i lied not my H.

 

I get what u r saying, BUT I was selfish and I need to work out WHY I was selfish. I am currently on a journey of self discovery if you like, trying to work out why I had the A

 

Doesn't he deserve to know the truth? You might lost your morals when you cheated, how are you doing with your conscience with the continue lying and withholding the truth that he has EVERY RIGHT to know?

 

YES he does deserve to know the truth, but how do i say to him Huny i slept with some1 else and have no reply to his question WHY ?? He deserves an answer to this question, and at the present time I have no answer myself. I cant just lump it on him when I havent got answers to his questions - thats not fair to him. Not sure if that answers ya question.

[NoIDidn't]

I think the first post was great. Self-love is important. Self-respect, even better. Too many of us give ourselves too much self-love, leading to selfishness, though. Self-respect, however, compels us to treat others the way we want to be treated, leading to balancing selfish desires with selflessness.

 

At birth, we all deserve loving and healthy parents. But most of us get loving but dysfunctional (in some way) parents.

 

After living for a while, it becomes apparent that some of us deserve what we get because of what we give, though. We can't have healthy relationships when we are not healthy. We will not attrack happy people when we are not happy.

 

If you are depressed, look at that. Seriously. Depression distorts things. Makes us blame others for failing to keep us from getting depressed. Sure its a clinical diagnosis. But more often than not, its because of our own unreasonable expections that we can't even reach.

 

Whether or not to tell your H is debatable. The affair was 6 months? Maybe make sure to tell before another year goes by? I don't know. Either way, its not going to fix things. Its going to break them and make things worse for a while.

 

Getting to my point. I think deserve is too strong of a word for us humans. It comes off as a demand. I feel if we haven't earned it, while desiring it, it more than likely won't come. Some people are lucky and don't have to earn what they desire. But most of us aren't that lucky.

[Owl]

Astra-

 

It really is just as simple as you described "Huny i slept with some1 else and have no reply to his question WHY ?? ".

 

No, its not EASY...but it IS that simple.

 

You don't know why. Trying to figure out why on your own is pointless...its worse than pointless, its avoidance. Its a way to postpone what you dread doing...admitting the affair to your H.

 

You agree he deserves the truth. Then give it to him.

 

There are potential benifits in it for you as well. While YOU can't figure out the why...jointly, the both of you likely can. Even if you can't...with the truth out in the open, you'll be able to seek counseling to help figure it out...and treatment for your depression while you're at it.

 

The thing is...you're STILL living that lie to your H and to your family. It didn't go away when the affair stopped. Every single day you spend between the time it started to the time you admit the truth is continuing that lie.

 

MAKE the time...TODAY...to sit down and tell him the truth. There are soooo many reasons why you should...and nothing but excuses and rationalizations for why you shouldn't.

 

Stop looking for the reasons why you shouldn't (read: don't want to) tell him, and start focusing on all the reasons why you SHOULD.

 

Seriously...yes, the affair was all about "me, me, me". But your MARRIAGE shouldn't be. The affair impacts the marriage...therefore, you need to stop with the "me, me, me" mindset and start thinking about the "us, us, us" one. Its the healthiest thing you can do for EVERYONE involved...for more reasons than I can list here.

[astra77]

I get it - got some serious thinking to do

[astra77]

SELFISHNESS AND SERIOUS DELUSION.

I had a "nice" reason to wake up in the morning and go to work. WHICH FELT AWESOME coz lets face it, who really wants to got to work??? I now had a reason to smile in the morning. But that smile didnt last for very long.

 

"Harmless flirting" turned into something so much more serious, so F##KEN serious in fact that, even now, I still cant grasp the reality of the destruction it has caused for me, him, and could potentially cause to our partners if they find out. A short time passed and the "harmless flirting" turned into him "kissing me out of the blue" that turned into "full blown sex for SIX months", that turned into "guilt and humiliation" that lead to me leaving my job, ending the affair, which is slowly killing me emotionally and mentally and leaving me with only thoughts of suicide.

 

I fell in love with this man, he bailed on me when the **** hit the fan and I got the guilts. Now a month or so later, i have still no job, no self esteem, my bills are piling up, I will have to sell my home and car, i feel cheap and nasty - atleast a hooker gets paid for her services - and i feel used.

All I ended up doing in the end was cheating, I lied to my husband and for what - a quick F##K???? i mean nothing more to him (MM) than the thing that he stuck his dick into to get his rocks off.

 

The feeling of euphoria lasted a while, he made me feel "special and wanted", told me he "loves" me, i was his "queen" and he wanted to "be with me all the time" Im an "amazing person" I Make HIM feel good. We went on a trip away - serveral infact BUT no one WARNED me when the euphoria wears off and he started to treat me like the whore i am and the whore he thinks i am, theres NO turning back. im spiralling into the deep dark pit of self destruction he has set me up for and when i got to the bottom of the hole that i have dug for myself, its a very lonley place and no one can get me out of it.

 

And when my "bubble world" burst, and HONESTLY that is all it is - a fantasy world thats smashed into my reality world faster than i could say WTF - he threw me under the bus - he'll f##KED off on me, he left me for dust. NOW that he has left me ALONE i have fun trying to pick myself up, dust myself off AND WORK OUT WTF HAPPENED. Now i CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY I only remember when i had a reason to smile when i went off to work in the morning .I dont have a job to got to in the morning, the boss is nowhere to be seen there is NO REASON TO SMILE IN THE MORNING NOW, LET ALONE A REASON TO WAKE UP AND GET OUT OF BED.

 

Now not only do i feel like ****, not only have i cheated and lied to my husband AND myself, i've ALSO been taken for a ride by this guy, I have self destructed and CANT deal with it......... All for a quick f##k that looking back now, SOOOOOOO WASNT WORTH IT

[Chrome Barracuda]

SELFISHNESS AND SERIOUS DELUSION.

I had a "nice" reason to wake up in the morning and go to work. WHICH FELT AWESOME coz lets face it, who really wants to got to work??? I now had a reason to smile in the morning. But that smile didnt last for very long.

 

"Harmless flirting" turned into something so much more serious, so F##KEN serious in fact that, even now, I still cant grasp the reality of the destruction it has caused for me, him, and could potentially cause to our partners if they find out. A short time passed and the "harmless flirting" turned into him "kissing me out of the blue" that turned into "full blown sex for SIX months", that turned into "guilt and humiliation" that lead to me leaving my job, ending the affair, which is slowly killing me emotionally and mentally and leaving me with only thoughts of suicide.

 

I fell in love with this man, he bailed on me when the **** hit the fan and I got the guilts. Now a month or so later, i have still no job, no self esteem, my bills are piling up, I will have to sell my home and car, i feel cheap and nasty - atleast a hooker gets paid for her services - and i feel used.

All I ended up doing in the end was cheating, I lied to my husband and for what - a quick F##K???? i mean nothing more to him (MM) than the thing that he stuck his dick into to get his rocks off.

 

The feeling of euphoria lasted a while, he made me feel "special and wanted", told me he "loves" me, i was his "queen" and he wanted to "be with me all the time" Im an "amazing person" I Make HIM feel good. We went on a trip away - serveral infact BUT no one WARNED me when the euphoria wears off and he started to treat me like the whore i am and the whore he thinks i am, theres NO turning back. im spiralling into the deep dark pit of self destruction he has set me up for and when i got to the bottom of the hole that i have dug for myself, its a very lonley place and no one can get me out of it.

 

And when my "bubble world" burst, and HONESTLY that is all it is - a fantasy world thats smashed into my reality world faster than i could say WTF - he threw me under the bus - he'll f##KED off on me, he left me for dust. NOW that he has left me ALONE i have fun trying to pick myself up, dust myself off AND WORK OUT WTF HAPPENED. Now i CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY I only remember when i had a reason to smile when i went off to work in the morning .I dont have a job to got to in the morning, the boss is nowhere to be seen there is NO REASON TO SMILE IN THE MORNING NOW, LET ALONE A REASON TO WAKE UP AND GET OUT OF BED.

 

Now not only do i feel like ****, not only have i cheated and lied to my husband AND myself, i've ALSO been taken for a ride by this guy, I have self destructed and CANT deal with it......... All for a quick f##k that looking back now, SOOOOOOO WASNT WORTH IT

 

Your one of the first women on this board I seen that truly gets it.

 

Remorseful and the whole nine yards.Tell your husband. It can get better but only if he has the full truth.

[astra77]

I am remoseful. I am ashamed. I am disgusted with myself for "believing the lies" I hate myself more than I care to admit. I fell for a guys bull f**cken crap, now I have nothing. I was NEVER going to be the person i turned into. WTF happened to me?

 

The pain I have caused my H - though he doesnt know it - eats me everyday. Thats why I cant tell him as it will kill him

 

Its destroying me, but I f**cked up and I deserve everything that has come my way, my H did nothing wrong, and although if I loose my house and my car it will affect him, I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SELFISH NOT HIM. I dont want to hurt him anymore than I already have, I want him to have his bubble world coz the reality is too F**ken hard for me to bear. I dont want my H to suffer as i am for he has done nothing wrong. Just because Im a jack ass and got sucked in by such a monster (MM) who now haunts my mind and my dreams, has consumed my life and has control over me doesnt mean my husband has to know. If he found out now..... I dont want to be like my xmm and be responsible for someone elses agony that is truely too hard to bear, if that makes sense.

[astra77]

Your one of the first women on this board I seen that truly gets it.

 

Remorseful and the whole nine yards.Tell your husband. It can get better but only if he has the full truth.

 

I get it now, but its way too late. My god what have i done to my H, to my M ??

[astra77]

From My Point Of View

 

I Love You = I Love You

I Want To Be With You = I Want To Be With You

I Need You = I Need You

I Miss You = I Miss You

 

From My X Married Mans Point Of View

 

i Love You = I Love The Way you Love Me, Sleep With Me And Fulfil my Sexual Needs. Oh And I Love The Way That I Have total Control Of You Because Im Such A Dumb Ass I Have No Control Over Anything Else In My Life and You Are A Dumb Ass And Will Believe Me To Mean " I Love You"

 

i Want To Be With You = I Want To Sleep With You Again So You Can Fulfil my Sexual Needs, You Can boost My Ego And stroke Anything Else That Pops Up While You Are At It Huny

 

i Need You = I Need You To S**k Me Off Right Now Or F**k Me Right Now Coz I Have This Wild Sexy Thing Going On In My Mind And I Need You To Help Me Blow My Load. W**king Just Wont Do It For Me now That I Have You Here

 

i Miss You = i Miss You When You Aren't On The End Of My C*ck Doing All Of The Above

[Owl]

Astra...you're in pain, OBVIOUSLY.

 

Do you think your H doesn't sense that something's wrong? Has he asked what's going on with you the last few days?

 

You need to clear the air. Yes, it'll hurt him like he's never been hurt before...you're right about that.

 

But in the end, its up to him to make his choices on what he wants out of this too. HE DESERVES THE TRUTH.

 

You deserve it too. Your H can't do anything to help you heal right now either, because he doesn't know the source of the wounds.

 

Seriously...step up, tell him, and start really working on getting past it all.

[nadiaj2727]

Your one of the first women on this board I seen that truly gets it.

 

Remorseful and the whole nine yards.Tell your husband. It can get better but only if he has the full truth.

 

I agree with this and with Owl. Astra you should tell your husband. He deserves to make the same choice as you are making about whether or not HE wants to stay in this marriage.

[grumpygirrl]

Astra,

Maybe this relationship will help you to face your marriage and give you the courage to do what is best for your life without the OM in your life, he has been a distraction. If you left your marriage for this OM, your issues would still be there, because there is something that is going on in your life that you need to focus on and hopefully fix so you can be happy. Thank you for your inspiring words, you know my situation and yes you deserve more and your words have reaffirmed my determination to not give in to my MM, even though we were each other first loves and I came before the wife, I deserve to be 1st. And I will not accept no less, no matter what package it is wrapped in.