kizik Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 The temptation after a breakup is to try to save it, to avoid it, to keep it from happening or to try to go back to something that's destroyed. I'm talking about calling that person, texting, begging, asking why, crying all the time, talking your friends' ears off past the point of what's reasonable. Here's what we need to consider in this post-breakup recovery process: will we be able to look back at our actions down the road and say, "I'm proud of myself"? To say, "I sure handled that well. I was heartbroken and in the worst pain of my life, but you know what? I maintained my dignity and self-respect. I didn't ask that person for another chance incessantly or bug them all the time. I saved face. I went on with my life." The way we handle crises determines and demonstrates our character. If we can walk our way through hell in a mature manner, we can do anything. Be a Man. Be a Woman. Don't sell yourself short or hurt your self-esteem by trying to hold onto a person who doesn't want to be with you. Moreover, be Man or Woman enough to recognize and admit that they don't want you. You don't want me? Fine! F*ck off. You are not worth my caring heart or my time. Good riddance.
foxh1234 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 The temptation after a breakup is to try to save it, to avoid it, to keep it from happening or to try to go back to something that's destroyed. I'm talking about calling that person, texting, begging, asking why, crying all the time, talking your friends' ears off past the point of what's reasonable. Here's what we need to consider in this post-breakup recovery process: will we be able to look back at our actions down the road and say, "I'm proud of myself"? To say, "I sure handled that well. I was heartbroken and in the worst pain of my life, but you know what? I maintained my dignity and self-respect. I didn't ask that person for another chance incessantly or bug them all the time. I saved face. I went on with my life." The way we handle crises determines and demonstrates our character. If we can walk our way through hell in a mature manner, we can do anything. Be a Man. Be a Woman. Don't sell yourself short or hurt your self-esteem by trying to hold onto a person who doesn't want to be with you. Moreover, be Man or Woman enough to recognize and admit that they don't want you. You don't want me? Fine! F*ck off. You are not worth my caring heart or my time. Good riddance. Hi Kiz, I did all the things you mentioned. The first day after she dumped me I drove around in my car in a total daze. I called her 30 times and left 20 messages. I just wanted to know how and why. The next day we met and I cried like a baby, so did she. As the days went by I felt a bit better but every time I heard her voice I cried. I couldn't help it, I cared so deeply for her. After a couple of weeks I had gathered myself a little and now I am past the crying stage. I am not proud of how I acted and I am a little embarrassed but who cares, I lost it for a few weeks when the love of my life cheated and then dumped me. I feel I had a right to be very very upset. If it gave her the power, I could care less, I have the power now, the power to control my life and my happiness. No one will ever have that kind of power over me again, rest assured of that. Do I wish I had went NC the minute I found out, yes of course I do, but I can't change it, so I have to roll with it. As I said to you in another thread, we will look back at things and laugh down the road my friend, of that I am certain.
Author kizik Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Fox, of course. I'm with you. I guess I'm just saying that if you're proud of yourself and the way you handled things, it makes recovery that much easier b/c there is no REGRET factor. You grieved like you needed to. So have I. I'm just saying that if she thinks I'm going to beg for her, she's got another thing coming. The best revenge is happiness without her.
ate_the_paint Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Exactly. I broke down when she left me and was a total wreck for a week, then a little less the following week...by week four I was starting to get angry and went for NC. If you don't have a breakdown when someone yanks your life out from under you, what kind of human being are you? Wouldn't you cry if that person had died rather than dumped you? Of course! It's the same thing. You're losing someone you love. I wouldn't trust someone who could cooly say "That's your mistake babe. See ya!" and walk away with their head up. That part comes a few weeks after!
Author kizik Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Well-put. Hopefully y'all haven't misunderstood me. A breakDOWN after a breakUP is natural and to be expected. At a certain point, though, you have to pick yourself up before you lose your self-respect.
replicator Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Great post Kizik. I think most people who were deeply committed to a relationship will break down, and carry out some desperate acts to try to save it. I know I did, and I don't think I could have done any differently. I was in denial for a month. Now, I still have some rough days. Today, was particularly painful, but I have the sense now to be able to evaluate the situation and ask myself those questions that you posed. Definitely takes strength to walk away as a mature adult.. Being able to do so, is an achievement in itself, and something that we can be proud of. We can stand on our own two feet. If they don't need us, we sure as hell don't need them.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 The temptation after a breakup is to try to save it, to avoid it, to keep it from happening or to try to go back to something that's destroyed. I'm talking about calling that person, texting, begging, asking why, crying all the time, talking your friends' ears off past the point of what's reasonable. Here's what we need to consider in this post-breakup recovery process: will we be able to look back at our actions down the road and say, "I'm proud of myself"? To say, "I sure handled that well. I was heartbroken and in the worst pain of my life, but you know what? I maintained my dignity and self-respect. I didn't ask that person for another chance incessantly or bug them all the time. I saved face. I went on with my life." The way we handle crises determines and demonstrates our character. If we can walk our way through hell in a mature manner, we can do anything. Be a Man. Be a Woman. Don't sell yourself short or hurt your self-esteem by trying to hold onto a person who doesn't want to be with you. Moreover, be Man or Woman enough to recognize and admit that they don't want you. You don't want me? Fine! F*ck off. You are not worth my caring heart or my time. Good riddance.I've read this several times today Kiz... it has helped. I'm proud of the fact that I did everything I could do and barring the 5 minutes of taking the break up bullet I never once tried to get him back. In fact we had already "broken up" and we were trying to work it out at the end but only because he initiated it with me (via sex and I still feel used) and of course I wasn't going to say no... I loved him. I was going to see it to its bitter end. I still believe he gave up too soon but that doesn't change a thing and I understand. I can accept it and not agree at the same time. For me pride has no place in love... afterward yes, of course. I have maintained my dignity and pride afterward but I threw it away when I was with him. I only have one regret about my actions. I wish I hadn't decided to have sex with him after the initial break up. Somehow I just can't get passed something he said once. He said "I have no idea when I'll be having sex again". Ugh. And the last day I saw him it was so obvious he wasn't ever coming back and I did it again anyway. *facepalm* What an idiot I was! So, yeah... pride. I got used because I gave mine away thinking I was loved. DUH.
Author kizik Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I've read this several times today Kiz... it has helped. Good, LC. Thanks. I'm glad it helped you. I wish I hadn't decided to have sex with him after the initial break up. Somehow I just can't get passed something he said once. He said "I have no idea when I'll be having sex again". Ugh. And the last day I saw him it was so obvious he wasn't ever coming back and I did it again anyway. *facepalm* What an idiot I was! So, yeah... pride. I got used because I gave mine away thinking I was loved. DUH. You loved him. I would have done ANYthing for my girl. And you would have done ANYthing for your guy. You cannot blame yourself for sleeping with someone you loved. Can someone please tell me she's not over me yet? I'm in so much pain over her, it hurts to think she doesn't think about me or miss me. I talk so much tough love bullsh*t you guys, but the truth is that I'm still very much broken up about the whole thing and in lots of pain. Writing advice for you guys helps me temporarily, and hopefully it helps you long-term. But what I say objectively, and how I really feel in my broken heart, are two very different things.
pickingupthepieces Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 So true.. I was like that for months... and BOY do I regret it all.... I was this weak, weak little girl. I would of done anything to be with him..anything!! I begged and pleaded.. forever, until I thought he hated me. I mean this guy HAD to avoid me I was SO obsessive.. i can't even believe I EVER acted that way, desperation I suppose. I didn't see the break-up coming so I was more then SHOCKED... I finally went NC for about a month and a half....then all of this started and I'm not doing so good. Seriously thinking of doing the Nc thing again because it is getting hard. I just don't have the strength to follow through with it.. when I see my phone ring and its him.. I can't help but answer! how sad! you are SO right though.. if only I would of realized how it would be BEFORE I acted like an idiot!
LikeCharlotte Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Can someone please tell me she's not over me yet? I'm in so much pain over her, it hurts to think she doesn't think about me or miss me. I talk so much tough love bullsh*t you guys, but the truth is that I'm still very much broken up about the whole thing and in lots of pain. Writing advice for you guys helps me temporarily, and hopefully it helps you long-term. But what I say objectively, and how I really feel in my broken heart, are two very different things.If she's not still hurting shes a liar or a lunatic. Trust me kizik... I sound strong but if you saw the woman I was yesterday you'd never believe a word of it. I had to run off and hide for about 10 minutes because my hands were shaking and my stomach was soured. I wanted to talk to him and be nice but somewhere buried very deep inside is the fear that if he did I would have just vomited on his shoes and run away in tears.(I'm being dramatic, I know) It wasn't so long ago... for both of us kiz. Shes healing too.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 You loved him. I would have done ANYthing for my girl. And you would have done ANYthing for your guy. You cannot blame yourself for sleeping with someone you loved.I needed to hear that. I've just had my first tear in months. Thank you again.
Author kizik Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 You're welcome, LC. A quick, sad reality check: The ones that don't love, don't come back. The ones that love would take them back if they did. But they don't come back, unless something or someone happens to let them know what they lost. And this is rare. Call it 5%. And if and when this 5% does come back, the ones that still loved no longer love anymore. Because they've spent months in misery over the ones that stopped loving. And the misery has turned to anger and resentment... while the ones that didn't love - their emotions turned to guilt and regret for having passed up on something so special. But for whatever reason, they couldn't see how special it was at the time. They lose it, we still have it, but over time we lose it.
mollers Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Great post Kizik and spot on. We also learn from each break up. The break up before my most recent? I text, rang, sent him letters, cried and cried and it took me longer to get over it. I also came to bitterly regret my attempts to make contact when I looked back on them and felt like a complete a**ehole, especially as now I feel sick when I even think of him because I would never want him back! This time round? It was someone I loved and cherished and thought I'd be with till the end. But no way was I going down that begging route again. I made one attempt to keep our relationship (no crying or begging though, a mature discussion) and when that did not succeed I called time and began NC. I remembered the last time around and learnt from it. Yes this time the relationship was much stronger and harder for me to let go, but I needed to retain my sanity and my dignity and it has helped me enormously with coping.
sunshinegirl Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 If there's one thing I can be proud of in all my breakups, it's that I never begged, stalked, sent bajillions of texts, emails, or calls. It's either been strict NC or 1-2 post-breakup conversations before returning to NC. I made this ex tell me face-to-face that he cheated on me, but once I learned that devastating truth, it's been NC ever since. If I've even once been tempted to reach out to him, all I have to do is remember how cold and defensive and unapologetic he was in our last conversation. That is not the Eric I knew and loved. That guy is gone. New Eric is boning the office hooch and why, oh why, would I want to inject myself into that dynamic? Yes, of course there is a part of me that hopes he regrets what he did (when he lets himself think about it) and maybe even misses me at times. But I will likely never know.
Nevermind Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Sunshinegirl: I wish I had had that. He never had to look me in the face, and he actually never once fully confessed. Instead he hid between smaller lies and trying to make him look like the victim of circumstance (and cruel me). I wasn't on NC, really, and I should have been. All I take from this are learning experiences. Was my behaviour correct? No. I was right about him the entire time, but I should have found the strength to just leave it be. Listening to him spin a net of lies once again...and again and again. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice... I hurt myself, eventually. He was never to be hurt, and he never respected me in the first place, so there is no loss there. Am I feeling bad about writing and caring still? About the first: yes. About the second: no. I no longer view him as the love of my life. I am over him. The rest is "just" getting over the hurt and my own weakness. A process of a different kind.
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