sunshinegirl Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 It has been roughly 6 weeks since my breakup; a month since we were last in contact where I learned of his cheating. Like everyone, I've been in the pits for most of the time since. But things are slowly getting better - the ups last a bit longer each day, the downs are a smidgen less long and less severe. I still cry unexpectedly (eg a couple days ago when a CD from the ex started playing in my iTunes library) and the smallest things can set me off, and often down those paths of "what was wrong with me, why did he reject me, what does the hooch have that I don't, is he totally happy with her now". My appetite has only come back in the last week. BUT. Today has been a good day. Started with having brunch with a good friend. Then it was a day of errands. My kitchen has been woefully bereft of food for...months. My ex was an excellent cook and I pretty much never ate at home the whole year we were together. So today I went to Whole Foods and stocked up on fresh produce and staples. Picked up a new shower curtain to spruce up the apartment, and brought home a dozen beautiful African roses to bring some beauty and life inside. I also went to the liquor store and got a couple of South African wines, and some vodka should I suddenly feel the urge for a cosmo. Then I came home, ran some laundry, vacuumed, washed dishes, and went for a run (felt good!). I am going to go to yoga tomorrow morning, I am going rock climbing Thursday with friends, and I have signed up for my first voice lesson this week (it's always been a dream of mine to be a folk singer). I am also considering taking some cooking classes. It hit me while I was out running that there is no reason I can't learn to cook as well as he did. I don't have to freaking mourn the loss of good food, gourmet almost, and specialty drinks in my life just because HE'S not in my life anymore. Hell, anybody can get better at cooking and mixing cocktails. So maybe I will, and then I will have that many fewer reasons to be sad about HIM. So - it feels good, and positive, that I have finally regained some small slice of interest in my own life again. The pain is still there - I have unexpected triggers and sometimes I wonder/wish if at some long distant point in the future we will be able socialize comfortably together with all our mutual friends (without the awkwardness LikeCharlotte just went through last night!). In the meantime, I think these are the only steps I can really take to get my life back under control and to re-discover the awesome woman I always was, and am, without him in my life.
foxh1234 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 It has been roughly 6 weeks since my breakup; a month since we were last in contact where I learned of his cheating. Like everyone, I've been in the pits for most of the time since. But things are slowly getting better - the ups last a bit longer each day, the downs are a smidgen less long and less severe. I still cry unexpectedly (eg a couple days ago when a CD from the ex started playing in my iTunes library) and the smallest things can set me off, and often down those paths of "what was wrong with me, why did he reject me, what does the hooch have that I don't, is he totally happy with her now". My appetite has only come back in the last week. BUT. Today has been a good day. Started with having brunch with a good friend. Then it was a day of errands. My kitchen has been woefully bereft of food for...months. My ex was an excellent cook and I pretty much never ate at home the whole year we were together. So today I went to Whole Foods and stocked up on fresh produce and staples. Picked up a new shower curtain to spruce up the apartment, and brought home a dozen beautiful African roses to bring some beauty and life inside. I also went to the liquor store and got a couple of South African wines, and some vodka should I suddenly feel the urge for a cosmo. Then I came home, ran some laundry, vacuumed, washed dishes, and went for a run (felt good!). I am going to go to yoga tomorrow morning, I am going rock climbing Thursday with friends, and I have signed up for my first voice lesson this week (it's always been a dream of mine to be a folk singer). I am also considering taking some cooking classes. It hit me while I was out running that there is no reason I can't learn to cook as well as he did. I don't have to freaking mourn the loss of good food, gourmet almost, and specialty drinks in my life just because HE'S not in my life anymore. Hell, anybody can get better at cooking and mixing cocktails. So maybe I will, and then I will have that many fewer reasons to be sad about HIM. So - it feels good, and positive, that I have finally regained some small slice of interest in my own life again. The pain is still there - I have unexpected triggers and sometimes I wonder/wish if at some long distant point in the future we will be able socialize comfortably together with all our mutual friends (without the awkwardness LikeCharlotte just went through last night!). In the meantime, I think these are the only steps I can really take to get my life back under control and to re-discover the awesome woman I always was, and am, without him in my life. BRAVO!!! I think you are doing great, keep it up. It is great to hear this and I hope it inspires more people to do the same, well done.
sid3 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 they may seem like simple steps now, but they are major in getting you back to where you want to be... good for you
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I hope so. It's all I have right now... I enjoyed some fresh shrimp cocktail and a glass of crisp white wine this evening -- he doesn't get to take stuff like that away! Listening to John Mayer and Alison Kraus/Robert Plant and the Strokes has been therapeutic too. But wow, alcohol is a depressant so....yeesh...I have some down moments to work through right now. Instead, I will go call my dad. Therapy has helped me uncover that he and I don't have the greatest relationship and that has affected my choices in men, so for Father's Day I asked him if we could spend more time talking with each other and getting to know each other better. Tonight's our first "appointment" to do that.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 I went to the rock climbing gym tonight, because I'll be damned if I am going to lose this part of my life. I made sure he wouldn't be there. But I still only managed to stay half an hour before I had to get out of there. I kept wishing for him to be there, watching me boulder and giving me tips for making complex moves, being proud of me when I successfully complete the routes. He's played that role virtually the entire time I have been climbing, and now I have to learn how to love climbing without him. This is going to be the hardest thing for me to reclaim. I swear I even thought "well, maybe we can be friends again one day and he can play that role again - maybe we can climb together in the future." Which is so stupid and wrong, I know. And maybe this has deeper roots in climbing being the thing that brought us closest together or made me feel most validated and appreciated in our relationship...I'm not sure. Anyway, I could use some support/advice/suggestions for how to deal with this aspect of my loss. I'm having a pre-dinner glass of wine, having already forgotten how it made me depressed last night.
sid3 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Maybe take a break from the climbing for now. It doesn't mean you have to think of it as a loss. Just something you need to wait alittle while to start doing again. Give yourself some time, 6 weeks isn't that long. There are plenty of activities you can take up to stay active. Kardio kickboxing? Wine is a super depressant for alot of people. Although shots lead to drunk dialing:confused:
carrotgirl Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Maybe take a break from the climbing for now. It doesn't mean you have to think of it as a loss. Just something you need to wait alittle while to start doing again. Screw that! Sunshine don't you DARE take a break from climbing. You love it and it's yours! Let him take a break from climbing, preferably after he gets dropped on his a$$ a few times by the current flake. Climb away! Carrot
inulg Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 YAY!! i'm so glad you're feeling better! its very inspirational to read your post! makes me feel that maybe we're all slowly getting better, but unaware of our own progress!! Its crazy what a difference just doing things around the house (familiar chores) makes you realize that it's you that controls your happiness, not him!
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks carrot and inulg - carrot esp given the hard time I give you over on your own threads. I don't want to give up climbing. Thursday I am going climbing outside with two friends...hmm. They're E's two best friends, but that's NOT why I'm climbing with them. I've known Matt, one of them, longer than I've known E and Matt has been an incredible friend to me throughout. He's married to my good friend and I know he'll be in my life forever. I do expect Thursday to have some emotional bumps for me because it will seem like the obvious "who's missing from this group?" vibe will be there to some degree. BUT these guys have always been extremely encouraging of my climbing and they are just as good at coaching me as E. So I hope Thursday will help me reclaim a bit too. I would definitely say progress is being made, inulg. It feels slow but actually I am doing great considering the timeline! I'm eating again and finally cooking real food for myself instead of eating cereal out of the box and making mac & cheese. I am feeling a bit down but I'm coping. I'm going to read a book in bed and look forward to a better day tomorrow.
northstar1 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks carrot and inulg - carrot esp given the hard time I give you over on your own threads. I don't want to give up climbing. Thursday I am going climbing outside with two friends...hmm. They're E's two best friends, but that's NOT why I'm climbing with them. I've known Matt, one of them, longer than I've known E and Matt has been an incredible friend to me throughout. He's married to my good friend and I know he'll be in my life forever. I do expect Thursday to have some emotional bumps for me because it will seem like the obvious "who's missing from this group?" vibe will be there to some degree. BUT these guys have always been extremely encouraging of my climbing and they are just as good at coaching me as E. So I hope Thursday will help me reclaim a bit too. I would definitely say progress is being made, inulg. It feels slow but actually I am doing great considering the timeline! I'm eating again and finally cooking real food for myself instead of eating cereal out of the box and making mac & cheese. I am feeling a bit down but I'm coping. I'm going to read a book in bed and look forward to a better day tomorrow. Good for you Sunshine!!! Small steps.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 26, 2008 Author Posted June 26, 2008 I went climbing today. Original plan to climb outdoors was scrapped due to bad weather, so we went to the climbing gym where E and I always climbed. A few reflections on it: (1) I was worried about being triggered by being with his two closest male friends. Didn't know if they would mention him, give me dirt on him, etc and didn't know how I felt about that if it had happened. Well, they totally didn't bring him up, possibly out of courtesy for me, but that was good. He was on/in my brain, but I kept it inside and didn't poison our time together by bitching about him. (2) I realized that I am the only person in life who pines for, or misses, his company. His two best buds don't wring their hands, cry, or feel sad when they don't talk to him or see him. Sure, they're all friends, but the two guys I climbed with are both married and their spouses/kids are much more important parts of their lives than their friendship w/ E. (3) I also realized that our conversation lacked nothing. What I mean is, M & J are more talkative people anyway, but they provided just as much coaching, support, enthusiasm for me -- more, actually -- than E ever did. And any non-climbing conversations we had would not have been made better by E's presence: he isn't a talker and rarely adds much of an interesting perspective to conversation anyway. (4) I climbed almost as hard as I ever have, which is great since I've not really climbed in over a month. So my technical abilities are still there. Yay me. To be clear, I felt slightly "off" the entire session, as I ruminated on all this stuff. But it went so much better than I thought. And I really began to see that E never really added a whole lot to our group climbing sessions: I certainly got all the climbing/conversation input I wanted from his friends.
Nevermind Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 sunshinegirl: That's great. You seem to get better every day, it's a pleasure to read your progress!
justine4 Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 Sunshine, I just read this thread for the first time. Your original post gives inspiration to even the most depressed of us on here. What a great attitude! Hats off to you!
kizik Posted June 26, 2008 Posted June 26, 2008 SG- Amazing how a little conversation with people who do not judge us, and accept as as we are, and are interested in having a fun and stimulating convo, can completely rejuventate us and help to see exactly why it wasn't working with the Ex.
Author sunshinegirl Posted June 27, 2008 Author Posted June 27, 2008 Today was a reasonably good day. Went out to dinner (Asian food) with friends tonight, and my fortune cookie fortune read: Happier days are definitely ahead for you, struggle has ended. I think that's the best, most on-point fortune I've ever gotten! I am also feeling better because I know he left today to go overseas for a week or 10 days - a trip I was supposed to go on with him. Who knows, maybe the stupid hooch is with him, but even if she is, HE is out of my zip code, out of my state, and out of this COUNTRY...and that gives me some lovely breathing room.
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Way back in Jan 07 when my ex and I first got together, I was dating around and had gone out a few times with a different guy that I really liked. He had all the hallmarks of a healthy, well-adjusted, whole guy. Conversation flowed, he was a great listener, we had a lot in common (rock climbing! spirituality!), he's good looking. So I was literally at a decision point: proceed with this guy? Or with E.? (Great job, me! I picked the still-married, conversationally challenged, emotionally cut off guy! To disastrous end.) Fast forward to my breakup last month. In a manic phase of "I have to move on", I contacted the first guy via Facebook. He wrote me back right away. I think I suggested drinks but was up-front about being out of a breakup fairly recently. At first he was totally up for a drink, but when I told him just how recent the breakup was, he suddenly became "really busy at work" and canceled the plans. Which was TOTALLY fine with me, I would have been crap company. I wrote the whole thing off, and figured I wouldn't hear from him again. Well, tonight he contacted me again to see if I'd still be interested in getting together. And here's the big question: am I? I don't know! Part of me is, especially if we can be in a low-pressure 'friends'-like zone, at least for now. Another part of me is afraid I will get really triggered about E. and realize I'm still nowhere near ready to be hanging out with guys. But to be honest, there were points during my relationship with E that I thought about this other guy, and how much easier conversation would have been with him, how much less of a mystery it would have been to be with someone like him. Advice?
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 [sound of crickets] Anyone? I'm not sure what to do about the guy in the post above.
iwish Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Way back in Jan 07 when my ex and I first got together, I was dating around and had gone out a few times with a different guy that I really liked. He had all the hallmarks of a healthy, well-adjusted, whole guy. Conversation flowed, he was a great listener, we had a lot in common (rock climbing! spirituality!), he's good looking. So I was literally at a decision point: proceed with this guy? Or with E.? (Great job, me! I picked the still-married, conversationally challenged, emotionally cut off guy! To disastrous end.) Fast forward to my breakup last month. In a manic phase of "I have to move on", I contacted the first guy via Facebook. He wrote me back right away. I think I suggested drinks but was up-front about being out of a breakup fairly recently. At first he was totally up for a drink, but when I told him just how recent the breakup was, he suddenly became "really busy at work" and canceled the plans. Which was TOTALLY fine with me, I would have been crap company. I wrote the whole thing off, and figured I wouldn't hear from him again. Well, tonight he contacted me again to see if I'd still be interested in getting together. And here's the big question: am I? I don't know! Part of me is, especially if we can be in a low-pressure 'friends'-like zone, at least for now. Another part of me is afraid I will get really triggered about E. and realize I'm still nowhere near ready to be hanging out with guys. But to be honest, there were points during my relationship with E that I thought about this other guy, and how much easier conversation would have been with him, how much less of a mystery it would have been to be with someone like him. Advice? I went on a date last Friday and to be honest, yes i thought of my ex and wished it was her that i was with, but i managed to enjoy myself a little bit and don't regret anything. Well i did kiss her and i shouldn't have (i'm defo not ready for that yet).. I felt much better kissing my ex .. In conclusion I say go for it. It's only a date. You don't have to do anything you don't want to and it could be fun.
critter909 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I think you should go. You told him you were just getting over a break, he knows that and still wants to go. Take a chance. Just try not to talk about the ex the whole time and take it easy!
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I agree. Do it. Have fun and don't overanalyze anything. :bunny::bunny::bunny:
ianandris Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 It'll be good times. No pressure, just getting to know someone new.
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Thanks for the feedback. It looks like we are going to get together next week sometime. As I take more steps toward life, I realize that one thing I feared losing was the lifestyle and activities that E and I did together, as well as the people we did them with - real salt of the earth, fun people. And, to be honest, people with much more character and personality than E himself! Well, tonight I realized that I haven't lost a single friend I made while we were together. I was invited to dinner with a few people tonight, one of whom is a climbing guy from the gym - so if I want to keep him in my life, I'm sure I can. And tomorrow I am spending the day with 8-10 people - canoeing, beach, fireworks, etc - who I always thought of as *his* peeps. Except I am now realizing that they are MY peeps! I went camping with them in April (he wasn't there), get along great with them, and they have made explicit efforts to keep in touch with me. There for sure could be awkward times ahead if E and his stupid hooch make plans with these peeps before I can, or whatever, but it is gratifying to know that they are genuine friends of MINE now. Plus, in this crowd is the couple through whom we met, and the wife positively hates him at this point. I can therefore rest assured that she will resist almost any social settings involving him or the hooch, and she certainly will not invite him to anything ahead of me. Ah, the loyalty of friends.
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Thanks for the feedback. It looks like we are going to get together next week sometime. Update from last week: the guy completely flaked on me. He never responded my message last week saying Wednesday or Thursday (yesterday and today) were good days at my end. If he ever writes back, the old me might have been willing to set up another time to get together. The new me? I am THROUGH with men who show only half-baked interest in me. I deserve much, much more than that.
Zapbasket Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 I deserve much, much more than that. Damn straight!
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 If he ever writes back, the old me might have been willing to set up another time to get together. The new me? I am THROUGH with men who show only half-baked interest in me. I deserve much, much more than that. The Flake did finally write me back, with no mention of having blown me off last week, asking if I wanted to get together over the weekend or early this week. Mentally I decided after the blow-off that he was no longer romantic material. But he's a generally cool guy so I thought "well, maybe a new friend. And a climbing person. I need more climbing people in my life." So I wrote him back last night saying hey, yeah, I could do coffee early this week, how about Tuesday as I leave town Thursday again for a week. He writes me back with another "oops, this week has gotten crazy, how about we reschedule again?" in a very friendly tone. I wrote him back saying it was starting to look futile as I have two more trips following the one this week. I started to type out a "look, you've blown me off 3 times and that's not okay with me, so see ya!" but then I deleted it as it sounded mean. HOWEVER, in counseling today we pinpointed that I really don't stand up for myself or what I want/need in a relationship. I was terrible about it with Eric, and I've generally accepted very mediocre/bad treatment from almost all of my boyfriends. I need to STOP! As I thought about this with respect to The Flake, I decided now's a good time to start asserting myself. I just hopped on Facebook and sent a p.s. message to him: Hey there, Listen. I didn't say this earlier for fear of sounding "not nice" especially over email. But truth be told, three different times you've suggested getting together...and three different times you've blown me off. I of all people understand what it's like to be busy, but I always make time for the people I want to see. This is wearing thin. So I think I'd like to stop these attempts to meet up that simply aren't materializing, and leave this with saying, it was nice to get to know you a bit last year, and best wishes. I'll certainly have a friendly hello if we bump into each other on the street somewhere. All the best, SSG Perhaps it's still too nice a message, but I guess we all take baby steps to leave behind old behaviors. I feel really good about being clear that his behavior wasn't okay with me and that it has consequences. Namely, NO SSG FOR YOU!!
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