coffeemaker Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I'll keep it short this time. Three great dates, some wonderful phone conversations and then the "i want to be friends first" Her situation, just got out of a 5 year relationship and never really dated anyone before that - she's 27, said she really enjoys our time together and our conversations and would like to keep meeting up - I've been in enough relationships to know that there could be something really good here, and I can feel myself slipping emotional with each interaction. I definitely don't want to end up as her friend only to find out that a year later she's met someone else. I can appreciate her situation, but i'm not sure what to do... Thoughts?
Suiyobi Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Either she wants to take things slow or she sees you as nothing more than a friend. If I were you, I'd just act calm and natural about it. No need to get a hissy-fit nor should you ignore her like as if you don't care about her anymore just because of what she said.
carhill Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 If you haven't kissed her yet, now is the time. Regardless of "friends first", declare your romantic intentions. It's OK to go slow, but not as buddies. If you're attracted to her, don't waffle.
soulseeker Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 If you haven't kissed her yet, now is the time. Regardless of "friends first", declare your romantic intentions. It's OK to go slow, but not as buddies. If you're attracted to her, don't waffle. ooh, I like this advice.
sfsassy Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I'll keep it short this time. Three great dates, some wonderful phone conversations and then the "i want to be friends first" Her situation, just got out of a 5 year relationship and never really dated anyone before that - she's 27, said she really enjoys our time together and our conversations and would like to keep meeting up - I've been in enough relationships to know that there could be something really good here, and I can feel myself slipping emotional with each interaction. I definitely don't want to end up as her friend only to find out that a year later she's met someone else. I can appreciate her situation, but i'm not sure what to do... Thoughts? I have a feeling I may be in this situation in a few hours. If this comes to pass, I am going to make my intentions, very, very clear. I don't want to be his "buddy". Tell her you will take it slow, but you aren't here to talk about other guys, or rag on guys in general. I have ended up with so many "guy friends" from this type of thing, tha I refuse to do it anymore! I envy you, I go to Border's cafe a lot, and have never randomly met up with a fellow coffee lover, lol.
Author coffeemaker Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 Ha, I hear ya sfsassy, I've been in similar situations before only to end up with one too many female friends. I've had enough. Like I said though, I understand her situation, but I'm not going to be left in limbo. Right now, I think i'll just make my intentions PERFECTLY CLEAR the next time we talk. I'll tell her taking it slow is perfectly ok, but not as friends. If she needs time to feel the situation out, get to know me better, and assess her own emotions, fine, i'm ok with being patient to a point. But i will not, under any circumstance, become her friend only to get emotionally involved and heartbroken later. Not a chance in hell. Been there, done that, not doing it again. Hope your conversation goes better than mine did :-)
Author coffeemaker Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 yeah - i think that's true as well. bah. whatever, on to the next one!
carhill Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Modified advice. Initiate contact and "hang out". During, make sure she knows that you find her attractive and great company and that you respect that she wants to take things slow right now, but that's not where you're at. Hug her goodbye, look her in the eye and wish her well. Let someone else sweep her off her feet for the rebound. Meanwhile, date others and enjoy yourself. A new opportunity with another lady may present itself. In the future, the "take it slow" lady may contact you. Be friendly, but distant. You've been in enough relationships to know the "difference". If this lady has that difference for you, leaving things as they are (not pursuing her nor dismissing her) might (I stress might) leave an impression on her for the future. It costs you nothing
Author coffeemaker Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 that's carhill, that's makes sense. I am admittedly disappointed but not distraught - I met another interesting gal on the Amtrak a few weeks ago and have plans to meet up with her this week. Apparently bookstores and train rides are the way to go! Anyway, distant but friendly is good. And you're right, if she just came out of a 5 year relationship, i don't want to be the rebound guy. Thanks for the advice!
Calisto Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 As a woman, if a guy I went out with a few times and I was attracted to him "friendzoned" me right away, I would say "sure, I'll be your friend" but then when he called I wouldn't pick up or be available. Forget that stuff.
Mahatma Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I'll keep it short this time. Three great dates, some wonderful phone conversations and then the "i want to be friends first" Her situation, just got out of a 5 year relationship and never really dated anyone before that - she's 27, said she really enjoys our time together and our conversations and would like to keep meeting up - I've been in enough relationships to know that there could be something really good here, and I can feel myself slipping emotional with each interaction. I definitely don't want to end up as her friend only to find out that a year later she's met someone else. I can appreciate her situation, but i'm not sure what to do... Thoughts? Cut back on the "wonderful phone conversations." These are what causes her to place you next to her other girl friends. It is ok to have one of these once in a while. But if you want to connect with her, do it in person.
monkey00 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I think the key is to be less available when she calls or wants to get together. I would avoid seeing or even talking to her for 2 - 4 weeks and give her the gift of missing you. When you feel the time is right, ask her out correctly on a real date such as dinner + movies. That is when you lean in and make a move, no hesitations. If she rejects you...you have to take the risk of cutting her from your life. Honestly, if you want to move forward with this girl, you'll have to risk the friendship either way.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Well you could either back off now, or be the guy on speeddial when she gets drunk and needs someone to wail on. It's not fair, but she doesn't sound like she wants to date. Take it as a miss, and move on to someone willing to reciprocate.
Replicant Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 yeah - i think that's true as well. bah. whatever, on to the next one! Good attitude to take. There's no sense in getting caught up in her fish out of water mindset. Toss her back into the dating pool, get your line back out there and keep trying...hopefully you'll catch a trophy worth mounting.
sfsassy Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 that's carhill, that's makes sense. I am admittedly disappointed but not distraught - I met another interesting gal on the Amtrak a few weeks ago and have plans to meet up with her this week. Apparently bookstores and train rides are the way to go! Anyway, distant but friendly is good. And you're right, if she just came out of a 5 year relationship, i don't want to be the rebound guy. Thanks for the advice! I ride Amtrak all the time too! Why doesn't this happern to me?.
Legend Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 friends first is a nice way of her saying she just sees you as a friend.
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