fran82 Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 my closest friend has just got engaged, they've only known each other a few months. i really am so happy for them, and i really dont want to sound selfish and i really do want her to be happy. but i find myself hurting, regressing, its hard to see them together so happy (even tho its a beautiful thing) i know im probably just jealous, but a part of me feels a little like that was meant to be me. i was meant to be the one settling down, starting a new life with my now ex! life's really feeling like a b*@&h today. last night we had an engagement party for them, and i was so obviously the newly single sore thumb, surrounded by happy couples who didn't want to see me because i currently represent the very thing their all scared of! ouch! anyone got any advice, or been there too?
kizik Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Being in a relationship is incredibly over-rated. There are all those cute little moments, and you feel "secure" when you're at some wedding party... but you have to sweat and cry and worry about if the other person is mad at you, happy with you, etc. Like you said, you represent what they're scared of. A lot of people in R's are scared. Scared of losing their love, even if deep down they know that person isn't right for them. Scared of being alone. I'm alone after 3 years, and it's not scary. It is real. Alone is life. If we can't learn to enjoy our own company, without the validation of another, then we are co-dependent. And co-dependents never learn to be happy w/o the ego-feeding of another. Be lucky to be alone. You're stronger for it. You get to see how painful life can be, and after you've gone through the hardest parts, you come out knowing yourself and what you want out of life. It's an awful process, but it makes us more whole, more confident people in the end.
Author fran82 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 thanks kizik, you make a lot of sense! a dose of reality sometimes times help you along. its just not always so easy to remember the pro's that you get from being alone, the long term pro's. pretty much right now im feeling lots and lots of fear. i hope it makes me a better more confident person in the end, other wise life really can be a b*@ch. i dont know how many more knocks i take. i am afraid of being alone, im afraid of never finding someone to share my life with, im afraid, cuz alone sometimes just isnt nice, alone means i sit in a corner and feel like crap in a room full of couples. Also i've noticed that all my coupled friends keep trying to pair me up with some/any available guy, like im broken and its the only way they can think to fix me! as much as i love my friends sometimes they're the hardest ppl to be around. your very wise kizik, and part of knows what your saying is right, but the rest of me to too scared to except it
justine4 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 thanks kizik, you make a lot of sense! a dose of reality sometimes times help you along. its just not always so easy to remember the pro's that you get from being alone, the long term pro's. pretty much right now im feeling lots and lots of fear. i hope it makes me a better more confident person in the end, other wise life really can be a b*@ch. i dont know how many more knocks i take. i am afraid of being alone, im afraid of never finding someone to share my life with, im afraid, cuz alone sometimes just isnt nice, alone means i sit in a corner and feel like crap in a room full of couples. Also i've noticed that all my coupled friends keep trying to pair me up with some/any available guy, like im broken and its the only way they can think to fix me! as much as i love my friends sometimes they're the hardest ppl to be around. your very wise kizik, and part of knows what your saying is right, but the rest of me to too scared to except it Fran, wait until the wedding comes around - talk about a reality check that you haven't got your ex around. I had a wedding the week after we split up. EVERYONE seemed to be coupled up and blissfully happy. What a downer I can tell you. But, I've had the marriage, and can say from experience, just because people are together as a couple, if the relationship isn't working its the loneliest place ever - even more so that being single and lonesome. You never know what is around the corner though (am dishing out the advice here, but if Brad Pitt came around the corner at the minute, I wouldn't be interested as he isn't my ex). But it is true.
Author fran82 Posted June 23, 2008 Author Posted June 23, 2008 thanks justine! that must've been awful! poor you! i dont know how im going to cope, its quite soon too, winter time, so i dont even have much time to get my head fully round the whole thing :S heck, i hope brad pitt's around the corner! i certainly wouldn't say no! lol! i do hate the idea of being stuck in an unhappy marriage, but was ultimately why i ended the r/ship, neither of us would have been happy to forsake our own lives total and move for each other, even after 4 years, so imaging what marriage would've been like! i can only imagine that would be pretty yuck!
CandyGirlXO Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Just wanted to say I can relate! Almost all of my friends are engaged or married. Then there is me. I feel like I suck at life! Why is everyone so lucky and happy except for me. I ended the R too because I was unhappy but either way you look at it, it sucks I know your pain.
sumdude Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I know how you feel... guess I'll share my 'war story' Two weeks after my wife left me I was at our freinds engagement party. A few weeks after that at another couples wedding. We had already RSVP'd so I had to sit next to the empty chair with her name tag there... and to really top it off? When we went to the after reception party at the hotel where the newlyweds were staying? It was the same damn hotel where I spent my wedding night... talk about getting slammed from all angles.. sometimes I just hate irony..
D-Lish Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I am currently the only single person left in a sea of friendships where evryone is married or about to be. I am at that age where most of my close friends have kids and tend to only spend time with others who have kids too. I get excluded a lot as a result. I went to a friends house warming party not so long ago and I was the ONLY single person left in that group of friends. People tend to look at me as if they feel sorry for me. Lots of questions like "why haven't you found someone". It gets exhausting having to explain why I am still single at 38. I hear ya! Then again, when I was married, life wasn't a bowl of cherries either. I never felt fulfilled in that relationship, I was alone, yet still felt lonley. I think that feeling is worse than being single and lonley. For me it's about not settling. I don't want to be with someone just to alleviate being lonley. I find most of my married friends have just moved on. When I am dating someone I get invited out to functions, but when I am single, I get lost in the shuffle.
stolenheart123 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 I feel so alone at times, even though my ex wasnt the best, it was nice having her there. But we need to realize having sumone there, wont take away the fear, we must learn to conquer it on our own.. being old or young doesnt matter. There is sumone out there who understands and loves u for u. We need to stop believing our ex is the greatest, cuz most likely they werent. We love them for who we thought they were, not for who they are now.... i too must learn to take that advice....But it will all get better in time
justine4 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 thanks justine! that must've been awful! poor you! i dont know how im going to cope, its quite soon too, winter time, so i dont even have much time to get my head fully round the whole thing :S heck, i hope brad pitt's around the corner! i certainly wouldn't say no! lol! i do hate the idea of being stuck in an unhappy marriage, but was ultimately why i ended the r/ship, neither of us would have been happy to forsake our own lives total and move for each other, even after 4 years, so imaging what marriage would've been like! i can only imagine that would be pretty yuck! Weren't you going to move over to England though Fran, if he'd wanted you to? Have you heard anything from him at all? You said before he seems to be handling the split better than you, but could that be a case of male pride and he's putting on a front? I was going to call my ex's best friend to see how my ex was doing. I know he'll be doing crap anyway because he was already going into a hole with his mum being sick etc, but, I know my ex, and the only person he actually opened upto and didn't put on a front with, was me. Thats why its so bloody hard getting my head around the fact he's dealing with all this alone when I would have been there to get through it all with him. Pride has a lot to do with it. I don't think he wanted me to see him depressed. None of his friends do. He avoids going out with them. Hey, even if you go to the wedding and have to fight the men off () it'll boost the self-esteem anyhow. Its a few months away, so who knows what'll happen in the meantime?
Author fran82 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Posted June 24, 2008 hey everyone, thanks for your responses isnt it awful, but i cant honestly say i'd rather be left out either! all those questions bombarded at you, were did it go wrong? how are you coping? is there anyone new on the scene! yuck! maybe i would rather say at home! lol! all those menacing couples! justine, how're you doing? i was thinking of going to england for a course but not because he was there, i'd be in student accomodation, and i dont think it would've made much difference to our r/ship. i still might go, cuz its an amazing course! (i desparately want to be a silversmith, and there isnt a great lot of courses here) i spoke to him last night actually, it was his birthday and i thought i couldn't just let it pass. we txt on and off and he's always seemed uber positive, but last night he admitted that he's not been his usual club loving lout, he's almost been hiding away. i guess it seems he has been putting on a front! knowing that tho, has made me feel kinda bad! maybe you should call your ex's best friend, it might put your mind at ease, that way you'll know someone will look out for him! i wish! i've decided what i need to do is get my sexy back, then i'll be fight them off! lose a few pounds (like 12!) lol! got the new do, the get a great tan! tehe! bring it on! i think we single folk should show all those couples how it really should be done! you know how you get comfy in a r/ship and let is all tho, then realize after a year, oops, i dont feel so great about myself! well! maybe single is the way to go! we'll see i guess! (thats easy to say sitting on my bed, hiding away from all the scary single things that single ppl have to do!)
justine4 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 Hi Fran, You're joking me? Not many silversmiths in Norn Iron? Hey, maybe you could make something good and heavy and use it to knock some sense into your ex ? Maybe he'll come around (after the concussion!) and beg you to move in with him? ONLY JOKING!!! Before anyone thinks I'm suggesting violence... A change of scenery, with new people, and doing fresh things, that'd be a great step forward. You're lucky to have the opportunity. Having no ties. You lucky thing! I broke my don't contact him first promise to myself today. I was listening to Gerry Ryan talking to a woman about internet dating. A guy from South Dublin texted in to tell her not to do it and he'd take her out instead. He described himself at 6ft with hazel eyes, non-smoker, non-drinker and athletic. My heart sank! I physically felt sick. The texters description matched my ex exactly and for a minute it went through my mind, what if it is him? Even though I know thats the last thing on his mind at the moment. I couldn't help it. I texted him and said 'hiya, just wondering if you were listening to Gerry Ryan on the radio right now?' I was so relieved when he texted me back immediately saying 'no, im too busy'. We had a brief chat by text, and so endeth 2.5weeks on no contact. Its only the second time i've texted him since we split. He has done all the contact up until now. I know i should kick myself, but i couldn't help myself. Just going to go and give myself 50 lashes right now as punishment....
lovestruck818 Posted June 24, 2008 Posted June 24, 2008 my closest friend has just got engaged, they've only known each other a few months. i really am so happy for them, and i really dont want to sound selfish and i really do want her to be happy. but i find myself hurting, regressing, its hard to see them together so happy (even tho its a beautiful thing) i know im probably just jealous, but a part of me feels a little like that was meant to be me. i was meant to be the one settling down, starting a new life with my now ex! life's really feeling like a b*@&h today. last night we had an engagement party for them, and i was so obviously the newly single sore thumb, surrounded by happy couples who didn't want to see me because i currently represent the very thing their all scared of! ouch! anyone got any advice, or been there too? Don't be jealous...she is stupid for marrying someone she has only known for a few months and he is even stupider for asking. No wonder why the divorce rate is so high...
justine4 Posted June 25, 2008 Posted June 25, 2008 Don't be jealous...she is stupid for marrying someone she has only known for a few months and he is even stupider for asking. No wonder why the divorce rate is so high... Not always the case lovestruck. You've got to go with the heart sometimes. My own parents met and got engaged WITHIN A WEEK, married less than 10 months later, and 3 children, 11 grandchildren and 41 YEARS later, they're still together and very much in love.
Author fran82 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Posted June 25, 2008 hey justine, dont beat yourself up for txting him, i think its good to keep contact, but only so much as you can handle! you needed to know, otherwise you be sitting up all night worried and thinking and stressed out! you've done great only txting him twice in all this time! less than i've managed! but i've resigned myself to it! not that im stalking him, we're very detached now, but we like being civil, and just checkin on each other, shows we still care. dont you feel even and little better for contacting him? or have a little more peace of mind? i dont hate him (much)- tehe! but maybe a knock around the head would do him some good! he's the kinda person who needs a good shaken, you know?! like's he just got too comfy! i cant wait to do my course, even tho ive over a year to wait, but it'll be so refreshing! like you said, new ppl, scenery, a different life to be inspired by! bring it on! lovestruck, i dont say she's stupid, just a little crackers! but in a good way! shes meet her soul mate, so whats the point in waiting! they're an amazing couple together! and it think a lot of ppl, even those already in a couple would find it hard not to be jealous of their r/ship! im not jealous of her tho, im jealous of the situation. like im mourning a little for the lack of chance that i have to get what i have always wanted for my life (husband and kids, big house) -> and yes i have almost already written myself off as an old spinster! i cant help it, i just feel that way!
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